Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 22: had some urges this morning, but could handle it pretty well.

    Three good things:
    1. Got a new contract with one of my employers. That was really nice, because it's probably my favorite employer. I will be trying to also get some projects from one of their other branches. That's a bit further off, but they do some pretty cool stuff.
    2. Finished one of the big things I was working on around the house: a 2,60 m wide bookcase that needed a lot of painting. Now it's finished I can put stuff in it. I think it will give us a lot more space!
    3. Did a very good workout yesterday. I began chest presses again about two weeks ago, but I only just the bar up till now. Yesterday I added 30 kg and that went very well. No pain, so that's good:)
    Outsider. likes this.
  2. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Congratulations on 3 weeks clean and all the good news. :)
    Living likes this.
  3. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanx Fry!

    I have to add another good thing by the way:
    I have this bush in my garden which in English is called a phaesant berry (Leycesteria formosa). I got one from my mother in law who has like five of them and they have these really pretty flavours which bloom in late summer and autumn. After a while the flowers turn into berries and I remember that last winter I googled if they were edible. It turned out that they were and that they tasted of burned caramel and chocolate. Back then the berries were already gone, but when this week when I saw them again I decided to try a few and they are great. You shouldn't eat a handfull, but just one or two whenever you walk by is pretty nice. And they taste exactly like burned caramel. It's a sweet molasses taste with just a bitter hint and indeed a bit chocolaty too. A great find:)
    cjm and Fry2 like this.
  4. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 34: I have been quite busy the last few weeks with work and other things and since things went perfectly fine I didn't really take time to journal. The last few weeks have been really good. I have been getting things done, had fun at work and really had some great time with my girlfriend. If things can always be like this I'll sign up for it anytime:) Yesterday I had a minor slip though: I got home from work early and watched porn and masturbated for a while. The reason: horniness struck me. Nothing more, nothing less. While I'm not against watching porn I regret doing it.

    Now I have been in this so many times and what often happens is that I'm able to refrain from a full-blown PMO-session, but the next day or a few days later this will still happen. Encouraged by the great period I had during the last weeks and which I guess I'm still having and working on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy I decided to stick to my values today. These good times I had, I want them to continue. While I still have my ups and downs, I have been feeling a lot better in general and I'm not gonna give that up for porn. Not that this was an easy choice. I have been considering a PMO-session last evening, last night, this morning and part of me is still considering it. But this morning (I have a day off) I started with a run and a workout and I made plans that I need to get done. And that's what I'm gonna do, because that's what matters to me.

    Perhaps in the past I would have reset my counter in this instance, but I'm not gonna do that today. I regret what I did yesterday, but I don't think resetting my counter will help me at this point. I'm on a good streak and I'm going to continue that. I'm not at square one again, I just had a little bump in the road.

    Three good things:
    1. My neighbour has a big willow in her garden cut down right now. While I love trees and I love how birds often sit there it took away loads of light. We still had a bit of light, but my above neighbours didn't get any light. Now it's cut I can't even remember we had this much light in our garden. In a way it's a pity, but I have a big park directly in front of my house and a smaller park directly behind my house, so it's not like one tree will be a huge loss. I guess the flowers in my garden will do even better next year:)
    2. I really had some fun evenings with my girlfriend the last few weeks and she is feeling a lot better too now that I'm not stressed out by my thesis anymore. It makes life a lot better:)
    3. I think the way I handled my urges this morning is very promising. Like I said, I kind of regret what happened yesterday, but if I can jump back on my feet like I'm doing right now I will be fine.
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2018
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  5. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    You got it mate. True.
    Living likes this.
  6. Living

    Living Active Member

    Still dealing with some urges to get back to porn, but overall I'm doing fine. I'm busy with getting more things done and have been asked for some work projects, so things are slowly getting better:) Yesterday I felt down. Probably because of the way I felt about the slip. Today is a lot better. Also I feel good about not giving into porn yesterday. Just a small step, but if I'm able to make small steps like these I getting closer and closer to my destination.

    Three good things:
    1. My parents brought around the piece of art they bought me. I hung in our hobby room and it just looks plain awesome. The room is quite narrow and the print has a very high horizon which gives the work inmense depth. It almost seems like we have a window there now:) And I like the print more and more whenever I look at it. Really glad I picked this one over the other one.
    2. This morning when I took a shower the sun shown into the bathroom. I'm so glad my neighbours tree has been cut. It makes are kitchen and bathroom sooooo much lighter. Plus, I realized just now, when I hang out the wash to dry, it will dry a lot quicker.
    3. I played my new board game (Robinson Crusoe: Adventure on the Cursed Island) for the first time last night. It is supposed to take 90 to 120 minutes and since I had around 2,5 hours spare time last night I thought I'd have enough time to play. I didn't even get halfway, plus I was more than halfway my death bed:) Although I had already read the manual, the game is pretty damn complex. There are so many things you can do and variables to take into account. I should try again when I have some more time:) The game is awesome though. If you like playing board games this is definitly a good buy. You can play it with up to 4 players, but it works very well as a solo game too. And the being stuck on a desert island-theme is pretty cool!
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  7. Living

    Living Active Member

    I've had some issues with urges the last couple of days. I'm starting to realize is that one of my biggest triggers is having the feeling of sexually missing out. As I have written before my sex life is not the way I would like it to be. Although I do see that right now, because of me finishing my thesis, a changed attitude towards my life and the effect that this had on the relationship with my girlfriend, things are getting better, I doubt it will ever be the way I would like it to be. Sometimes that is frustrating, but I believe I'm willing to accept that. But sometimes certain things happen and that frustration increases. And very often that's because of this feeling of sexually missing out.

    What happened a couple of days ago is that I was at a party of a friend of my girlfriend. Now these are all pretty and succesfull people and that always makes me a bit more insecure. Anyway, I was talking to this girl and she was referring to sex a couple of times in a way my girlfriend would never do (but which I do find really appealing) and then she talked about her flat mate (which is also a friend of my girlfriend) and how she tinders a lot and fucks like three different guys a week. The girl I was talking to actually mentioned this in a conversation where this was a form of behavior that she was concerned about, but stories like that really make me feel like I'm missing out. Especially because her flat mate is pretty damn hot. And it's not so much that I want to fuck that girl myself, but it I wouldn't mind if my girlfriend was a bit more wild. What I guess frustrates me is these are actual girls that I know. It's not porn, it's not fantasy, it's that these girls exists and that I know them. It's as real as it gets.

    Now, I'm not dissatisfied with my relationship in general at all, but if there is one thing I'm missing it is a more active sex life. I like sex (and intimacy) a lot and I find it important in a relationship. And what perhaps makes it even a bit more frustrating is that masturbation (with or without porn) could be a substitute for sex, but that's something I can't handle right now. And I know, it's not a substitute for the complete sexual experience (it's lacking in many ways), but sometimes just getting off is a nice thing too.

    Enough rant. I'm trying to get through these urges. Three good things:
    1. I had a really awesome sunday with my girlfriend. We didn't do anything very special, but it was just a great day that I shared with her. One thing I enjoyed is that she proposed to watch a spaghetti western. I'm a huge fan of spaghetti westerns. I just love the style, the slow pace, the camera work, the music, the thrill without the need for constant sensation etc. She knows I love them, but she never saw one herself. I think it's a bit out of her comfort zone too, so the fact that she suggested that was really cool. We watched 'A Fistful of Dollars' and she actually liked it.
    2. Did a pretty damn nice workout on friday. Had sore muscles for two days:)
    3. I had a pretty social weekend. First the party on friday and then meeting up with another friend of my girlfriend and then a friend of mine on saturday. Now I have social anxiety and especially the party wasn't really comfortable for me, but it's important to me that I do these things. I do like to feel a bit more comfortable at these parties and skipping wouldn't really help me. Besides, the party was okay:)
    cjm likes this.
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Would there be other ways for you and your partner to find eachother sexually, e.g. tantra or karezza?
    Living likes this.
  9. Living

    Living Active Member

    Well, it's not like she doesn't enjoy the sex. When we do have sex she loves it. So that's not the problem. I don't really understand what the actual problem is. Besides, I really doubt tantra is her kind of thing:) But perhaps I should read about a bit.

    GF is a way for a few days. I gave in to my urges just now and watched some porn and masturbated a bit. Not sure what to think about it. On the hand this is something I don't really need in my life right now, but on the other hand I do have my sexual needs. I don't believe I acted out of addiction or that I did it to escape something, I guess sometimes I'm just horny. This is something I'm kinda struggling with right now. I'm doing pretty good in average and gave my life a serious positive boost, but when the sex with my girlfriend is not enough for me, how do I see masturbation? Am I okay with that? Am I not? Should I be okay with that? How do I deal with healthy sexual needs? I'm not talking daily masturbation here, but sometimes it's nice to release yourself sexually, right? I just don't know, but what I do know is that telling myself I'm no good when I do masturbate (with or without porn) doesn't do me any good. Anyway, I pick up my backpack again and continue towards where I want to go:)
    TheScriabin and cjm like this.
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    you know what, ive been thinking about that. I don't think there is a definite answer. Its not like porn, or masturbation are inherently 100% bad, If you think about it, there are definitely positives and negatives depending on the person and their own circumstances :)

    but like a lot of things, too much of either is most likely not going to be a good thing

    with the GF is it jsut the frequency of the sex that's not enough? Ive been with women before and if they are not in the mood, they'll give a BJ or something. Does she understand your situation?
    Living likes this.
  11. Living

    Living Active Member

    I agree, but I believe our primary goal should be to lead a fulfilling life. What I have come to realize the last few months is that it wasn't porn that was my problem, porn was was just one of the ways I dealt with my problems. While learning to stay away from porn for longer periods of time did improve the quality of my life in certain ways, being here also changed my views on porn and my relationship to porn in a way that has impacted my life in a negative way. For example, viewing myself as an addict didn't do my self image any good. And every time I do slip/relapse I feel much worse about myself than I should. I try to watch if I'm heading in the right direction as much as possible, but I still put way more value to porn than does me good. Like using counters or talking about porn with all these people on here. The focus shouldn't be on porn, it should be on dealing with my problems in a healthy way. And if I can deal with my problems in a healthy way and watch porn once a month because I need a little bit relief, I think I should be fine with that.

    Yes and no:) Ofcourse it's a bit more complicated. I guess what I find most important is the intimacy and therefore the frequency is more important to me than what kind of sex we have. I do have stuff I like ofcourse, but I guess I can accept the sex we have. I don't think my girlfriend understands my situation. But what I think has had a bigger influence on our sexlife is how I have been the last couple of years. My thesis has been a rather big deal in how it affected me, her and us. It was stressful and made me feel bad about myself. I had a low self image and was often aggitated. I can't say the last few years I have shown the best version of myself. I guess that has made my girlfriend feel powerless and down too. She tried to support me, but I can fully understand how all that had an effect on her wants for sex too. The last couple of months I have seen our relationship blossoming and I hope that will effect our sex life in a positive way too.
    cjm likes this.
  12. Living

    Living Active Member

    Because I didn't want to give it more attention than it deserves I didn't write yesterday that I pmo'd on monday. I still don't want to give it that attention, but what I do find worth mentioning is that after this happened I bounced back up and by focussing on the right things I'm still in that state of content that I experienced over the last few months. I was slightly worried that I would be aggitated during the day and by that causing stress between me and my girlfriend. That didn't happen. When my girlfriend came back home she was sad because her parents are moving from her childhood house. So I comforted her by listening to what she wanted to say, acknowledging that I understood that she was sad about that, getting her a cup of tea and just giving her a break. I always dealt with things like that in the way I would like to be comforted: with solutions. The past year though I started paying more attention to what it is she needs at times like that and that is one of the things that really improved our relationship. Besides that I did some more stuff around the house that needed to be done and had a great evening with Indonesian food, a crime serie and after that reading a book.

    Three good things:
    1. Since I've graduated I'm able to work more often and getting more work offered too. This week is a bit quiet, but from monday on I have two months fully booked:) It's for a company I really enjoy working for and although I'm not sure yet if a permanent contract is an option with them, right now they can give me more than enough work to get by. I'm really looking forward to it. The last couple of years have been tough with not working full time because of my thesis and I think working for them will definitly give a boost to my self-image.
    2. The garden is still looking awesome. Some summerflowers are still blooming and late flowers like aster are just now starting to bloom. The tomatoes didn't ripe, but the chard is still growing and hopefully continues to grow well into winter. We had a great year garden-wise and next year might even be better because the willow is chopped. There are not so many birds right now, but I think they will be back when winter is coming. Really looking forward to that. Last year we had a big group of siskins that visited our garden on a daily basis.
    3. Getting all these things around the house done that I didn't really have time for before is really fulfilling. I brought around 40 books to a shop that sells books to support charities and I'm going to bring in some other stuff to a local second hand store. It's nice to hand stuff you don't really need another to people that are really happy with it.
    cjm and TheScriabin like this.
  13. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    ^A really nice post to read :) Can you not encourage more birds to your garden with feeders?
    Living likes this.
  14. Living

    Living Active Member

    I actually do that, but birds always come in waves. Right now there is more than enough food around, so that means less birds. I think I could encourage them more by spreading more seeds on the ground, but this time of the year that will mainly attract pigeons:) But when winter comes and there is less food my garden becomes bird heaven.

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