Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    It still find it hard to see why I am currently doing very well. There is this part of me that definitly wants to watch porn, indulge in it even. To have this moment where I can totally let go and get that good feeling and then just move on again...or not. But there is also the part that absolutely will not have that. The part that understands that right now porn will not be part of my journey. At the moment I don't have any reason to believe that part of me can't easily go 200 days or even a year. The idea of never watching porn again is still kind of hard to grasp, but knowing that I can deal with it right now feels really good. But the thing is that I can't really pinpoint why things are going so well, even easy, right now. I could say that I finally decided that porn can't be part of my life, but then again, there have been times when I was more motivated and tried harder. That in itself makes me wonder if I should try harder. Perhaps this is a good time for me to get some things done. I don't know...sometimes this just feels weird.

    Three good things:
    -I've decided to make amends with one of my best friends with whom things kinda blew up two years ago. He can be rather difficult guy and two years ago things just got a bit out of hand and I was simply done with it. Since then we've seen each other a few times at parties, but we don't talk, which has become just plain awkward. And that's not just to us, but also to others. While I still value our friendship and will always be there for him if he needs it, I have accepted that we're not that close anymore. What I would like though is that we can casually talk to each other again at parties so things don't become awkward. I went to his house two times this weekend, but both times we wasn't there. Still, I'm happy that at least I came to this point. I have to see what comes out of it, but at least I know I've tried.
    -I'm going to try and get ready for a pretty cool 15 km run in november. Right now I can do a 12 km pretty easily, so it should be doable in two months. However I currently run in level train and this run is known for its hills (I live in the Netherlands, so it's all relative). But still, if the sports medical test this friday goes well, I'm definitly going to train for it and sign up. Having a goal like that is really motivating to me, so I'm already looking forward to that:)
    -I had a rather good weekend. Got some important things done, did a bit of exposure, had a nice time with my GF, slept well, reached out to some of my friends, did a 11 km run and went to a nice exhibition on Italian realism.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Maybe this type of thinking is the part of you that still has doubts in yourself ? And tries to see what you're doing wrong, because clearly you must still be doing something wrong (the critic voice). Maybe it's a bit of silly over analyzing ? The mind looking for problems ? (Though getting things done is usually not a bad idea ;)).

    Maybe you're trying well, playing it smart and skillfully which explains why you're doing good. Maybe not trying hard, but trying well is what is helping.

    I may be projecting so totally disregard this if it doesn't make sense ;) ! It's just an idea I got when I read what you shared.

    This being said, totally cool on your 3 good things ! Hope you get those positive medical results back so you can work on that 15 km ! Go get those Dutch hills :D
    Bezoechow and Living like this.
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's about doubts. Maybe it's overanalyzing, but it could be innocent curiosity too. I have an investigative mind, I want to know how things work. I agree that my approach might be more effective than those of others, but in that case I still would like to know what makes it more effective. And ofcourse there are some things that I think might add to that effect, but I just don't know if they explain everything. Perhaps is 50% trying well and 50% luck. Perhaps things simply clicked for me. Come to think of it, I have written something before about how making positive steps doesn't guarantee that your life gets better, but that it 'just' increases the chance of your life getting better. And maybe that's it:)
    Bezoechow and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  4. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    What might be the case, what I personally believe is at least part of it, is that our approach of allowing masturbation avoids the sexual frustration time bomb. I've seen it trip up Gil, for example, who had been doing very well before. Besides that I think you're ability to accept yourself and others for who they are is helping you stay connected. Honestly I've been taking it for granted that you would continue being sober when really it's a great accomplishment. Good job Living.

    Is that the exhibition in Assen? I've heard about it, almost makes me want to go to Drenthe :p Might be a good reason to visit my aunt there!
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    While I also think that how I deal with masturbation makes things easier for me, I don't think you can compare Gil's situation with mine. I have my own sources of stress, but having two babies to deal with is a completely different game. If I was in his situation I don't think things were going this smooth either.

    And yeah, it's the Assen exhibition. The last couple of years they have some really nice exhibitions there. The Glasgow Boys was my favourite.
    Bezoechow likes this.
  6. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't want to imply that Gil could have done differently. In that period he was too tired and distracted for masturbation anyway. It seemed to me a good example of how increasing sexual frustration can eventually lead to a relapse, but you're right that stress and exhaustion played a major role too. I've heard often that dads of young children have short periods of acting out because of all the pressure of caring for newborn babies.
    Living likes this.
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I understand that you didn't want to imply that. It's just that whenever Gil posts about his lack of sleep I realize how lucky I am right now. Not that I think having babies is all burden, I can only imagine how much joy they can bring too, it's just that I really value my sleep a whole lot. Like I said, if I was in his situation I would have a hard time too.
    Bezoechow likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hmm, I think I should get a lawyer to defend myself here :p

    Definitely interesting discussion. Living, all the ingredients are there for you to overcome the addiction, but I think your main strength is your positivity and the fact that you have worked hard for it. Since I met yoy here you've been further building your life that doesnt need porn or even where there is no place for porn. A long-term plan and you stuck to it.

    I know this will work for me as well, but I need some time I guess. My previous streak was destined to fail, cauae I postponed regaining intimacy and sex wirh Mrs Gil. That is number 1 thing to work on for me for my recovery. The babies, yeah makes it more difficult on one hand, but also great motivator on other hand.
    Living and Bezoechow like this.
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thanx @Gil79! Lol, I don't know about the long-term plan though. Not sure if I ever really had a clear plan. But perhaps that's because I was more busy with values than I was with goals. Maybe that's another thing that really attributed to where I am now. By persistently trying to stick to my values day in, day out I think I have cultivated a certain mindset that makes things a whole lot easier these days. I did that in many different ways, but for example the three good things journal where I learned to pay more and more attention to things I love has definitly changed how I look at things. You mention my positivity, but I don't think I'm always that positive. If I was always positive I don't think I would have turned to porn like I did in the first place. But persistently getting back to all those beautiful things that life does offer that is something I really need. And I guess it has come to the point where it's not even a choice anymore. Sure, I have off days, I have days that are too stressed to really do those things, but if I want to take the direction I want my life to go, this is really the least I can do. And that point where I seem to be right now is a huge help in dealing with this.

    And I can understand the babies being a great motivator too. It's just that my sleep is kinda holy to me and when my girlfriend hasn't had enough sleep and I haven't had enough sleep and I have way more things to manage than I have time for and that goes on and on and on for weeks. Maaaaaan...I really have a deep respect how you or anybody else in that situation manages that. Sure, you didn't have a perfect streak, but I really think you maintained working on your issues rather well. Especially when we look at those circumstances.
    Gil79 likes this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Maybe you should count the number of smiley faces you have posted here :D. Still trembling every time I open your journal, fearing to be blown away by the 10-smiley face post. It is not a matter of 'if' it will come, but 'when' it will come :eek:;)

    This half year was definitely the toughest in my life in terms of endurance, but also the most satisfying. I have never felt so much love. Ok, that sounds cheesy, but well whk cares :p
    Living, Pete McVries and Bezoechow like this.
  11. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I'm waiting for the right moment to make the ten smiley post. When nobody is expecting it anymore and think I have lost my touch, that's when I will hit this board with that ultimate ten smiley post:)

    Three good things:
    -The sports medical test went well. No heart or lung issues, good values, excellent endurance. I do have to do my endurance training with a bit lower heart rate. Not a whole lot, but it's good to know. Tried it on a 11 km run Saturday morning and it actually went better than expected. Overall I'm really happy I did the test.
    -Had probably the most grown up talk with my girlfriend about the amount of times we have sex. I think this is really a good example of where I am right now. It really made me feel like I have grown as a person.
    -A friend apped me this ad from a plant nursery that were looking for people to take over the place in a couple of years. Now, I would really really love to have a nursery and the fact that they were all organical and all really appealed to me. But it's not the right time for me. What was awesome though is how my girlfriend supported me. Sometimes she is sceptical of my wilder ideas, but yesterday she was like:" Think about it. If this is something you really want, we can find a way to make this happen." That just meant sooooo much to me. I'm really lucky being with her:)
    -Bonus good thing: I had a plain awesome weekend!
    Pete McVries and Bezoechow like this.
  12. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Sounds good Living! Great to hear that your girlfriend is supporting you. Taking over a plant nursery seems like an awesome idea and right up your alley.
    Living likes this.
  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Yeah, it would be quite a big step, not just for me, but also for her. It would affect her career too. So yeah, that support really meant a whole lot to me:)

    For the rest things are going fine. Not much to report at the moment.

    Three good things:
    -I bought a sketch book I can take to work:) I really like the sketching and my other sketch book is a bit big, so it was time I bought a smaller one.
    -I've been trying cold showers for a few days now. Right now I try to get through the state of hyperventilation and then relax for a minute or so. An excellent form of energizing torture. I'll see where that takes me. I can imagine that it's good for certain stuff. Besides, it's good for using less gas too:)
    -Did another 11 km run. I'm really getting used to them now. They feel pretty good!
    Gil79 and Bezoechow like this.
  14. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Hooray! 6 months:) I've had an increase with urges the last couple of days. I think it's due to a combination of stress by some issues at work and a bit of anxiety because of a work outing. My social anxiety and lots of new people don't really go well together. Tomorrow I will have a talk with my region leader about the issues (which come down to me not being happy with my current situation). Kinda worried about that too. On the other hand I know he wants to keep me there, so it's not like I got a whole lot to lose. We'll see:)

    Three good things:
    -While the work outing created anxiety and stress it was also fun and I've had a great chance to step out of comfort zone. Talked with several people I don't know very well and even with a few people I didn't know at all. Even managed to get a lift from a guy that happened to go the same way I had to go. To me hell would be a place where every person I meet is a new person:) Or more like a group of new persons. Situations like this always give me quite some anxiety, but afterwards I had to admit I've grown in dealing with these situations. So that really was a good thing and made me proud.
    -During one of the lunch breaks last week two of my colleagues complimented me that they really like working with me. The one called me his conscience and then the other one said that she really liked working with me because I always knew what to do. So yeah, that was pretty nice to hear:)
    -Went on a bicycle trip with my father in law. That was nice, great environment. He's really a cool guy and every time you go on a trip with him cake is included:)
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    The urges are back to normal drifts right now. My meditation isn't going very well at the moment and that's always a bit of a thermometer of my stress level. What often happens is the more stress I have the less I meditate and the less I meditate the higher my stress level. On monday I did a 30 minute meditation and that just wasn't going very well I was distracted like 95% of the time. Today went a lot better, but still I notice during my meditations that I have a whole lot on my mind. Thoughts come and go, and I drift away with them constantly. So it's time to put a bit more effort in finding time for my daily meditation.

    Three good things:
    -A couple of hours ago I had a huge wow-moment. This week I wrote a cover letter to this job opening I really really liked. It is not in my own field of work, but it seemed like something I would enjoy a lot (it involves trees and nature:)) and would be good at too. And it was a small company that seemed really nice. I was going all out on the letter and the resume; in a subtle way I even included plants in my resume. And well, this afternoon they contacted me for a job interview. Right now I'm like: oh my God, this is sooooooo cool! I still have to convince them that I'm really fit for the job, but at this point they're at least interested enough to have a talk with me:)
    -This morning I was taking a walk and I was like: I do have a whole lot of things to be happy about. I live in a nice house on the edge of a park in great city in a country that has got it's shit together in so many ways. I have people who love me, people I get along with very well, I have the two most awesome cats that ever lived. Sure, there are things that I would love to see better, but I guess I'm better off than 95% of my fellow human beings and I think that's actually a cautious percentage.
    -I have the two most awesome cats that ever lived:)
    NewStart19 likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Actually I think these are more effective meditations than the ones that go smoothly. They give better insight in who we are and help us train the 'brainmuscle' we need to focus.

    Thats just not true. Fake news my friend. Maybe 2 out of 3 most awesome, cause the most awesome is here next to me.
    Living and NewStart19 like this.
  17. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Having a bit of a hard time. I'm still doing a lot better than a year ago, but I haven't had urges like these in a whole long while. What worries me most is that despite everything I still pay too much value to my streak instead of the whole proces. I have been doing well for over 200 days and part of me still has this idea that this will all be gone when I watched porn for one time. This is something that has been troubling me for a while now. I don't like being afraid. Then again, I do understand that when you value something you are also scared of losing it. Anyway, I can at least make it another day, so that's what I'm going to do:)

    What brings all this on, besides the casual urges and fantasies, is that I don't feel very good about certain things in my life. Mainly my work situation. It's plain demotivating and while I do manage I would like a bit more security. The plan is to move when my GF has finished some stuff for her work. Moving will mean more options for me. That will be within six months. I guess I can keep this up for another six months, but I'm rather tired of feeling negative about my job. What isn't helping is that I can't run due to a foot injury. Running has had a huge impact on how I feel. And I still need to meditate more. That's something to work on. Also considering going to the psychologist again. Now I've finished my thesis I think I can work on some issues that were kinda blocked by how felt about not having graduated. So the to do list is:
    -Make an appointment with the fysiotherapist
    -Get my meditation back on track
    -Make a decision about the psychologist
    -Make a decision about my job

    Three good things:
    -I'm learning Danish on Duolingo. I have never been the best at different languages, but this far it goes pretty well and best of all, I really enjoy it.
    -I'm having a few days off. This give me an opportunity to work on some stuff that I really wanted to do for a while (start of an article, getting some things solved with my bank and play Mage Knight).
    -I did have a great weekend. Had a friend over and me and my GF went to see this nice feel good movie:)
    Pete McVries likes this.
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Okay, so I did what I should not have done. I woke up, watched some pics on my phone, actually decided that was not going to give in, went to the computer to get on here and write about it and gave in. I don't know why I did it. I was mainly curiously about what it was like again and I have to say: it was a dissappointment. It didn't make me feel like I expected it to make me feel at all. So I gave in for a dissappointment...well, that was nice lesson:) And part of me was like: I think you should just watch, just to get over it and know you can handle that. Prove to yourself that you can fall flat on your face, get up and move on. And while I think that part of me had an obvious hidden agenda, I also think there was a little bit of truth there. Don't know, maybe it's bullshit, but it's all I can do now anyway so that's what I will do. I feel bad because ultimately this is not something I want, but I believe I can manage to get on with things. I'm not going to feel to bad about it. It happened, it was stupid and now I move on. So I'm going to take a shower, call the fysiotherapist, have lunch and do my meditation.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It is easy to make a bad decision, especially with your drugs at hand 24/7. I am confident that you will stay on the right track, but stay vigilant.
    Living likes this.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thanx @Gil79. Will do that:)

    What happened yesterday I primarily see as something negative. I binged on porn for a few hoand masturbated to it. For the rest of the day I had a mild headache because dehydration (kinda like a hangover) and I while I tried to keep myself in check I responded agitated a few times towards my GF. Ofcourse that's not something I wanted to happen at all. It reminded me of days in my past where this was a bit more common. Those weren't the days I look back to with a good feeling. However, I also have to say that perhaps this was a positive wake-up call. These serious urges didn't come out of nowhere. I think I neglected the situation I am in at the moment and especially the way I feel about that. Like I have mentioned before my job is pretty demotivating at the moment and that's really taking it's toll. I had a job interview a couple of weeks ago and while that really went well they went for someone that had a background that fitted better. Now I knew my background didn't fit very well, so I was not surprised at all. But perhaps I should have given a bit more room for how I felt about that. It honestly made me very sad that I did not get the job especially when at the interview it turned out this really nice and warm company. I think I need to take a stance about how I will deal with my current job. So that's definitly something to work on for the near future. Anyway, things were going a direction I don't want things to go and I was pretty much ignoring that. It's not just the job, it's also the meditation that has been far from mindfull in the last couple of months. I can deal with things not being the way I want them to be, but I have to actively work on other aspects of my life to do so. Meditation is one of my best tools to work on that so I guess that I still need to be more aware of periods when my meditation is going downhill.

    Right now I'm actually pretty motivated again. I know very well that I need to put in a bit more energy again to get back on track and I know I can do that. Ofcourse right now there is a part of me that has woken up and tells me that since I already lost my streak it doesn't really matter that much if I PMO again. And that part might be right, but if that part keeps convincing me of that I'm definitly going the wrong way. While I think I need to get in check with my more structural solutions again, I can easily white knuckle things for a couple of days. I guess the most important thing right now is that I don't give in to that voice today. So I'm not going to PMO today:)

    Three good things:
    -I did some tai chi yesterday. There was a period in my teens when I actually did that daily and to me this comes a lot more natural than sitting meditation or yoga. I think I will try to get a daily session of 24 forms in my routine. Maybe that easier to keep up than meditation (which I will still do too).
    -While I was a little bit agitated every now and then I actually had a nice time with my girlfriend yesterday. She showed me some new things in her research which were pretty cool, we went grocery shopping together, cooked a nice meal and watched a Swedish detective.
    -It's a bit double, but I have to say that I value my slip yesterday. I guess you sometimes need to fall flat on your face to get back in check to where you were planning to go.
    Gil79 likes this.

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