Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Living

    Living Active Member

    I'm pretty fed up with myself right now. A few years back I was a member here and for a long while I did great, but lately I have been fucking up big time. Porn has always been my happy place, the thing I can get lost in and forget all about everything else. But it's more than that: instead of just getting lost in it every now and then I have been using it to numb myself from pretty much every uncomfortable feeling I experience. Every little hurdle became a reason to flee to my happy place. Right now though, my life has some pretty big hurdles that I need to take and what do I do? Running tot my happy place every damn day for hours and avoding my life. I really need to set myself straight in the next six months. Simple as that. And I know I can. I have done that before. But right now, so much more than before, I have to make that effort. I really need to stop hiding from my responsibilities and tackle those big hurdles.

    Right now I just need to have a place where I can journal a bit and hold myself accountable. The plan is to log in and count days for a while to get myself going. No counter, I have to keep track myself. I have to write it down when I conquer a day and also when I fail a day. Besides that I will continue with my meditations which I do daily and work out 2 to 3 times a week.

    Edit: I have decided the delete some of the older posts in my journal. I share a lot of personal information and while that can be good to make a point or explain how I feel, I don't think I should have all this stored on the internet:)
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2018
  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Great journal title! Porn is also my happy place, this is why I am determined to find that happy place within me, not defined by the outside world. It is within us, locked away somewhere. Then I don’t think I’ll need p anymore. Well done for coming back to the boards. The very best of luck to you on the road to discovering your true self!
     
    Living likes this.
  3. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Hey, I can totally relate—I have the same tendency to flee to my happy place instead of tackling problems. The good news is: You know you can do this. And you're already started, which is the hardest part. Looking forward to reading more updates.
     
  4. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanks for the respons Typical me!
     
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    You're right, our relapses are pretty much a painkiller and nothing more. A tool to feel better and skip ahead in time. But in the meantime tasks and responsibilities pile up.

    How is the sex with your gf? Do you think she can provide for your sexual needs?
     
  6. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Well, it could be either of two things. If you need to reboot, then yes she's probably not going to be able to fulfill your sexual needs since those needs are wired to porn.

    On the other hand, it's also possible that she isn't even able to provide normal sex the way you like it, that's a different thing. I was rebooting when I met my last gf and due to psychological stuff on her side, she wasn't that interested in having sex with me. It frustrated me to no end. There was more stuff going on and she distanced herself from me. Now I'm glad we broke up, I feel free again.
     
  7. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Hey, congrats on making it through day one. I can totally relate to the freelance life, unexpectedly having tons of time on your hands, being home alone in front of the computer, etc. It's tough. I'm sure you've thought of this, but scheduling some activities for those empty days — even if it's just working in a cafe or the library — can help a ton.

    As for sex with the GF not satisfying you, I can somewhat relate to that as well. I will say, however, that quitting porn can change your outlook on that situation — or at least it has for me, in past no-porn streaks — so don't let that be a rationale to relapse. Once you've detoxed from porn you might find your sex life more satisfying than now, or you might see ways to improve it that you couldn't see before.
     
  8. Tea-man

    Tea-man Member

    The fantasizing about relapsing was a huge problem for me. And you're going to have to ask yourself some hard questions if you want to avoid what I went through... With monthly challenges etc, if i could make it to the end then I could finally relapse; or if I could just get to a round number of days I could relapse; if a streak was still short then I am not losing much by peeking and relapsing... you get the idea.
    I read that it's actually WORSE to do this than not quit at all, and this actually made sense to me (stay with me) - Reason is, it's about dopamine, and if you're looking forward to the relapse for a week or two weeks and it gets closer and closer like Christmas day to a 5 year old, and the day comes around and you finally relapse you're making it seem that much better.
    I will say that I had really messed up thoughts when trying to quit (still do, sometimes); and relapsed to weirder genres that I never really was into. I don't know if this would have happened anyway but it coincided with quitting, and I think the constant anticipation and imagining the ultimate session-to-end-all-sessions etc was a huge negative.

    My question for you is, can you picture yourself never going back? I know you definitely want to cut back and there's benefits for sure, but can you imagine your last session was the last session ever - no matter how disappointing it was in the end, and that it wasn't the 'ultimate' session that your mind will use against you when you start to get desperate for a release? It was once your happy place after all. When I first was trying to quit I would peek, even if I would just google the star's name to look at her face and that was enough - I missed her, and of course I missed the easy way out, and I longed for a way back there...

    I don't envy you at a computer by the way. I've been studying last few weeks and it's hell having your old happy place at your fingertips 16 hours a day. I can't wait till it's over for me and I can get myself out of the house away from it. Your meditation will help you here and you will be a stronger person when it's done. But yes - first step is deciding that you are never going back and truly saying goodbye. Are you ready for that?
     
  9. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Hey, nice work on making it to day 4. Installing some Internet-blocking software is a good idea, I've tinkered with that myself. And I can relate to fantasizing about eventually binging to porn—that's been a problem for me in the past. Like I would be really vigilant about making it to day 30 (or whatever), but the entire time I was holding out the possibility that after that I'd let myself binge. Not surprisingly, that approach never led to quitting porn for good. Anyway, good luck making it through the next week.
     
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I used to do this every week in preparation for the weekend. Plan almost exactly how to execute it. Then I was disappointed when it ended too early. I considered this a failure, and so I had to try again next night. I don't know what my expectations were... probably something like go through the entire Internet before I was satisfied. It's quite ridiculous when I actually write it down.

    "Happy" place indeed. For decades I have comforted myself before sleeping. All it's done is to make me the grumpy old man I swore never to become, long before I'm old enough for that.

    I'm much in the same place as you - I also managed to "quit" some years back, but mistakes were made and the addiction found me again. If I've learned anything, it is that actual effort is required to beat this.
     
  11. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Hey, sorry to hear about the relapse, but if it helps you get closer to the "porn is not an option" mindset then you're still making progress!
     
  12. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Of course none of us should be watching anything sexual because our brains are already cued to it from years of watching and masturbating to pixels. So we reboot to un-wire from sex with a computer screen, THEN re-wire with a real-life partner, or so the theory goes. You can un-wire and re-wire simultaneously but I believe it's a tad harder to accomplish. You can check a member's journal, 40new30, who has so many insights about this.

    As far as 'Why do you watch those pics anyway'? That's part of the work you must do with yourself. What calls you to those pics? Is it anger, desire for stimulation, wanting to alleviate stress? Could it be different reasons every time you relapse? Investigate and accumulate those 'excuses' and reasons on a journal (or here). If you climb up to the root cause, you'll find that watching sexual imagery is simply one way (the easiest way) to fulfill your desire for whatever emotion. Not the only way. But as I said before, our brains are cued for immediate stimulation to porn because that's what we learned to cope in the most efficient way (with the unfortunate collateral effect of creating an addiction). Your job now is to identify which activities, hobbies, projects, sports, music, etc can you use to achieve the same 'high' (of alleviating stress, dealing with frustration, wanting stimulation) that you would normally get with P.
     
    Living likes this.
  13. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Way to get back on track. One important thing that you've done is not to let a single slip turn into an outright binge — the "as long as I'm resetting my counter I might as well go crazy now" mindset — so good job on that. Sounds like you can definitely manage two weeks (at least!).
     
    Living likes this.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That it does. For me, that's when the days stop crawling by and start flowing. Urges become easier to deal with as they get banished into a dark corner of the mind; I think it gets easier to recognize urges since they aren't there 24/7 anymore.
     
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  15. Tea-man

    Tea-man Member

    It's funny but I tend to get urges with an absolute vengeance every 2 weeks. It was strange, if I had crazy fantasies I would guess that meant I was 2 weeks in, or 4.. and was usually fairly close. But yes, stay on track, and resist the idea that small streaks don't matter as much as long streaks. I think a smaller goal like 14 days is great because if you're aiming for 90 it's easy to quit after 5; but if you're going for 14 it's nearly halfway
     
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  16. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Hey Living, just catching up on your journal for the last few days and really impressed with your resolve. I definitely agree that we need to learn to tolerate uncomfortable and painful feelings—that's part of being an actual adult, and it's also the only way we're going to be able to see if/how we need to make changes in our lives. Keep up the good work!
     
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  17. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    It does take a bit of time! But it sounds like you're handling it well. I like the "tomato clock" idea, especially if you're getting up and away from the computer after the focused work periods. I also find that it's useful to give yourself some sort of (non-porn) rewards for getting stuff done, even if it's just a walk around the block or a fancy coffee or whatever. Keep up the good work!
     
  18. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Hang in there, Living! Sounds like a tough couple of days. But not using porn is a huge accomplishment that you should take a moment to acknowledge and give yourself credit for. And if you have trouble giving yourself credit or cutting yourself some slack (traits I share, btw), well, all the more reason to take a moment and force yourself to do it. A week-plus without porn is no small thing! A lot of people can't do it; I've had years where I couldn't manage it. So don't let the "you're a giant fuck-up" voice take over. You're doing serious good work and your posts have helped me along too.
     
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  19. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Meditation is a key tool in this. It trains your focus and also allows you to observe and process negative emotions.

    Meditating for 5-20 minutes in the morning already yields great benefits, especially when coupled with cold showers, those are meditative in nature as well.
     
    Living likes this.
  20. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Yes I agree with the meditation. It's a super valuable tool in learning how to just observe without judging/following.
     
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