Fall Seven Times. Stand up Eight

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by J.P., Oct 26, 2012.

  1. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Edit: Decided to add more about me

    I have never written a journal before, and I hope that it will prove to be helpful to myself and others.

    I have tried a reboot prior to joining this site or even finding YBOP. I had no idea it was a reboot but I wanted to quit watching porn, I knew it was unhealthy and addicting. But, when I discovered YBOP I truly learned why I had gone through some seemingly unexplained changes since I was 13. The first time I ever viewed porn was when my friend showed it to me, and if I could take it back I would have.

    I used to have a life before porn use escalated. I was engaged to a beautiful artist, yes we were young (18) but we were very much in love and were ready. Well I used porn every once in a while but slowly over the time we were together it escalated to the point one day that I simply could not get it up. She asked over and over what was wrong. I had no idea, no answer. She simply didn't arouse me.

    I felt empty, felt nothing

    She soon after tried again (few days). Same problem occurred and it did not occur to me it was porn, I was oblivious. I did not realize up until about a month ago what happened to me. And her sudden conclusion I was not attracted to her anymore and that she had no idea how to get over that came to me quickly. We did try for months to fix it but dumbass me kept the use going the whole time. Eventually she gave up. I was distraught, but I thank her in a way, that experience combined with Gary's talk changed my life, worked as a double-helix to show me that I had to change. I wish I could undo all of this

    But that can't be done, so focusing on the here and now is necessary in order to beat this. My last reboot lasted about 2 weeks and after having a falling out with a girl I like I became depressed and relapsed. Now I didn't binge, but even one PMO is most definitely a mistake. A week later I relapsed again. Since the 24th I haven't PMO'd and I discovered the PMO counter this site has. It has been motivating to say the least, I like being able to visibly see progress, and the counter being off by a day isn't a bother, what's 1 more day?

    But I digress. I found that today and yesterday have been difficult, many urges and mental compromises presented themselves, and I took comfort in knowing I have no way to access porn at all. I installed K9, made a new email for it, made random generated passwords for both and put random keyboard spam as the answers to my questions on the email. I also provided no back up email. Damn it feels good to know I can't see it on my laptop. Only problem is I have a smartphone and I try my best to keep it out of sight and out of mind. I heard though that the first two weeks are the worst, and I think I can manage. I really want that blue star :D

    Well, I guess that's it for now. I will write in here if I ever get bored or my hands become astray, keeping occupied is the most important thing and this journal will likely be the outlet I need for my boredom.
  2. strugglingtorecover

    strugglingtorecover Quest for freedom

    You sound like you have it pretty good in terms of mindset and preparation. One thing I think you should remember though is that just because you have K9 installed, it still won't be easy. I find having a habit to replace instead of PMO is a good idea. Best of luck!
  3. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Nothing is ever easy. But tbh there's literally no way for me to get porn on this thing. Like no way at all lol all I really need to do at this point is avoid my smartphone, I think for the next few weeks I will give my sim card to my friend and just use only my house phone. I can write down important numbers and not have to worry about my phone.

    I've beaten one addiction before, the key isn't just willpower, you need to remove anything that gives you access to the drug.

    A new habit? You're right, but I'm so busy with school I don't have much time for a habit, and if anything I plan on being here. Maybe talking with you and others can be my new habit.
  4. King

    King Never give up.

    Hey man, love the title of your journal. Will power can only help in short spurts, perseverance is the real key. Keep your eyes on the goal of a wonderful life without PMO & good luck!
  5. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Will do King thanks for the support!
  6. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Well the past few days have been packed with craving and mental temptation but I finally made the decision to be rid of my sim card in my phone during recovery. I will still have access to all the things I need (numbers, alarm, calendar etc) but I will not be able to use the internet :D

    I have to go to work soon but that is ok. I think while Im there I will put a to do list in my phone for each day in the week and I hope to make this a habit. First things first though, I need to do some homework.

    As a sidenote Im pretty sure I had morning wood although it wasn't 100% Im hoping thats what it was.

    I'll be back tonight or tomorrow. Any tips are greatly appreciated!
  7. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Well today would have been shitty and boring but I made the best of it and kept busy. I saw this blonde girl that Im sure by now had a bf but at the time for some reason my libido had a short jump start. I breathed heavily, my body heat went up, and I didn't do the usual of just being perverted in thought. I genuinely liked her beauty. The way her blonde hair flowed over her shoulder, her smile, her blue eyes. Making her laugh felt amazing, telling her she looked like a dancer. That felt good.

    I think my last 2 attempts at a reboot caused this effect. Now if I can just last at least 3 weeks on this one it'll get a lot easier. I know this won't be so easy. I know the road ahead will SUCK

    But I know for a fact that no matter if I lose a few battles I WILL win this war.

    No phone or any type of tempting internet for the next 98 days. Just need to avoid MO now. I can't even browse images now. Gonna need to do powerpoints at school now lol but that's good I suppose doing work at the library is much less distracting than at home.

    Even if I fall seven times, I will stand up eight.
  8. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    I will take up that method of password storage that you're using and which you posted in my journal. Good luck with your journey, mate.
  9. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    And you with yours brother. Remember, you have nothing to fear. Fear is for the enemy. And that enemy is porn.

    My last record was a little over 2 weeks but now without a phone or any access to even image sharing site (lol) I know for a fact the *least* I can do is the orgasm reboot but I will try my hand at this one first. It'll be like playing Gears 1 on insane by myself lol.

    And you made it 75 days. You are a god compared to most of us man. I look up to you, I've been unemployed and I know it's emotionally devastating, idk how you feel but I blame your slip ups on that directly. You have more than enough grit to go 100 days.

    I know you do
  10. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Today was a good day.

    I spent time with my father, the man is nothing short of an inspiration to any men that have ever lived. He is kind and intelligent, hopefully I will make him proud someday. He liked 30 Days of Discipline and will hold me to my new habits. Having his support is excellent.

    I learned a lesson today while seeing another woman while at lunch. My main trigger isn't the usual perverted thoughts etc. I am finding I'm very skin hungry. Starved for affection I guess, I really would like to feel the touch of a woman again. I will keep well dressed, well postured, and well mannered. I am sure by doing so I will at some point find someone that will give me the affection I need. But I will abstain from anything beyond that, I have an addiction to overcome and I want the fastest cure possible.

    But if I *have* to give in at least it will not and cannot involve P. Here's to the long road to a healthy recovery :)
  11. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    As a side note I love that little blue bar getting bigger down in my counter. It feels good to see the progress and to have others see it as well.
  12. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Finally decided to fix the counter to the correct day. Was annoying my OCD lol
  13. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Today was an excellent day. I noticed that just about everyday I've taken a cold shower vs days I haven't I have much less urge to watch P or MO. Got some preliminary work done for some classes today (just outline but oh well I'm ahead) and am counting my lucky stars that Sandy didn't cause me to lose power yet.

    Just taking it one day at a time. Urges are being reduced more and more lately. Having trouble with staying up too late and trouble resisting snacking. Getting up every day at 8 but going to bed really late lol.

    Here's to hoping all of you are doing well too.
  14. strugglingtorecover

    strugglingtorecover Quest for freedom

    Hey man keep it up. I actually noticed that when I don't PMO I eat tons of chocolate..
  15. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    I'd rather you eat pounds of chocolate than PMO my friend. You can do this man. We both can! I'm challenging us both to get into the hall of fame by February. I hope to see you there with me buddy! I am going through with this come Hell or high water
  16. strugglingtorecover

    strugglingtorecover Quest for freedom

    We can do this man.
  17. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Damn straight
  18. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Today was alright. Not a whole lot to do except read and I really didn't feel like reading a health book lol.

    Uploaded my assignments for a few classes and I literally have nothing to do until November 8th at the earliest. I will try to occupy my days with friends, hobbies and some reading. Just most of this material is so boring lol. I'll be fine though.

    I got a couple cravings very sparsely lately, they were strong but far and few between. I've been super hungry though, craving 4 meals a day and I don't know why, though I know it isn't natural to be this hungry lol.

    I still have severe skin hunger though. Really sucks :/

    Maybe I'll meet someone nice, if not, oh well, I'll just have to try twice as hard.
  19. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Today was relatively easy in terms of craving frequency. But when I did get them, fml they were bad. Fortunately I pushed through, perseverance right King?

    I got some important reading done and spent some time with an old friend I don't see often, was good to see him. I also noticed that following this regimen, dressing well, being postured, and being assertive in speech and body language, is very helpful. I really noticed that some good looking girls do find me attractive.

    Well I'm gonna go to bed soon, hoping you're all doing well.
  20. J.P.

    J.P. Active Member

    Woke up with a raging erection last night and thoughts attempting to invade my mind. However, I used Romantic's method of meditation, killed that shit real fast. I think the cravings are going to hit an all time intense high, especially at night, until the third week. After that it should be a little easier. Although we have opposing views and he seems to ignore my arguments he is helpful lol.

    As for strugglingtorecover, check your inbox every once in a while you derp! :p

    Pedigree, read about what you did and posted on it, damn dude you are seriously badass.

    Well time to go to class, 10 a.m. over here

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