Facing my fears

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Murky, Jan 28, 2018.

  1. Murky

    Murky Member

    Greetings gents,

    I've had a journal here before, but because I have been inactive and completely lost my way, I thought it would be worth starting a new one. I've been watching porn and masturbating a lot lately, and it's totally fucked my head up. My mind is completely in the gutter at all times, even while looking at women on TV. I am not sure if my chronic PMO habit is the cause of my declining mental state, or if it's merely a byproduct of it. Either way it has to stop, I somehow need to find the strength to break the relapse cycle.

    Sadly, I am more or less in the same situation I was when I began my previous journal back in June, 2017. I read through the introduction post, but could not read the rest. I cannot face those thoughts and memories from the past right now. I am depressed, unmotivated, unemployed, living in a half renovated house with my girlfriend and two kids. As always I have so much shit to do, but no motivation to do any of it. I just finished a roofing repair job that I've been putting off for over a year. God knows, it fucking felt great getting the job done, but now I am back in lazy town. I don't understand why, maybe I just need to push myself to make a start. The only time I am ever motivated is when I am smoking weed, but I abuse it, and after months of daily use, it sends me a bit strange(er), and I start feeling lazy (again) and crazy(ier). I think about seeking some type of medical assistance, though I doubt prescription drugs are any type of answer.

    I need to stop hiding and start living. I know getting a job will be a big step forward because I sorely lack human interaction and social bonding. I guess I am a pretty lonely guy despite having a family. I am quite capable of working, and have good problem solving skills and physical abilities, but I am completely terrified of job interviews, almost to the point of a panic attack because I have not worked in so long. What am I going to say? They are going to ask me what the hell I have been doing for so long, and what am I meant to say? Oh you know, jerking off to a lot of fucked up porn while hiding and avoiding any adult responsibilities as much as possible. Oh great, what a fucking brilliant employee you're going to be. God, I feel like such a piece of shit. I have thought about starting my own business. Investing in some equipment and buying a cheap utility to provide cleaning and yard maintenance services, but who the fuck isn't doing that? And how am I going to get enough business to make a living.

    But enough of dwelling on the negatives, I want to focus on some small goals that I can start today:
    * quitting porn and masturbation (hello yourbrainrebalanced :))
    * getting this house in reasonable shape before my daughters birthday party at the end of February (yes I am fucking terrified of this party in case you were wondering)
    * finding a job in March (yes who gives a fuck about interviews, I will get a job or I won't, and if I don't. then not much will be different except that my self-esteem will probably be at some type of record low lol)

    That's about it for now guys. It felt good to write some shit out. I don't know how this journal will work for me, but the last one had its moments so fingers crossed. I'll try to check in here everyday for some accountability, providing news on the PMO front and other doings. Cheers for reading if you got this far. I hope to find some success over the next month and beyond. Peace.
  2. Murky

    Murky Member

    Day 1

    I was not in the best mood this morning, at one time yelling at my girlfriend and kids over trivial matters. My parents also came over for a visit after lunch, which was a surprise. They can sometimes be judgemental and draining, especially my mother. The visit was fine, as I don’t allow them to bring me down anymore. They know I could easily live without them in my life, so they have developed a little more respect over the years.

    This afternoon I began reading a book and after a few pages I fell asleep. I have micro naps like this often and it completely fucks up my sleep cycle. Most night I do not sleep until after midnight, and although it’s nice to have time alone, I pay the price of always feeling tired during the day. I want to develop a better evening routine, based around meditation, reading and going to sleep earlier. I cannot deny the fact that I have wanted to watch porn and jerk off today. The first few days might be tough to break the binge cycle. I am committed though, it’s something I really need to do.
  3. Murky

    Murky Member

    Day 2

    Pretty shit day, lots of stress. I got a workout in and cleaned up my diet. I didn't drink any diet soda and I swear I am having subtle withdrawals. Overall feeling pretty terrible, nowhere near myself, but there's no turning back now.
  4. Murky

    Murky Member

    Day 3

    I got to bed early. I had an awesome sleep. I woke up feeling the best in ages. I worked out and ate well all day. It was becoming such a pleasant day that I thought I’d better fuck it all up by relapsing.
  5. typicalme

    typicalme Member

    Hey man, sounds like you were off to a good start and then had a slip — happens to all of us. Important thing is not to beat yourself up about it. Will be checking back and rooting for your success.

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