Hello, My name is Ben, and I'm severely addicted to pornography. I'm 38 years of age. I discovered porn in my early teenage years when a buddy and I stumbled upon his Dads stack of Playboy's. I liked the images very very much. My addiction then progressed to harder magazines, then internet porn photos, then DVD's, then streaming videos. I've always just preferred guy-on-girl porn. Not into bondage, gay porn, etc.. More recently I have been using mobile porn since I travel quite a bit for work. And on and on it goes. There have been days when I would masturbate 3-4 times. I have managed to snag a few girlfriends here and there, but now it's been 7 years since I had a lady in my life. Over the past 7 years my porn addiction has taken over to the point that I'm hardly even interested in meeting real women anymore. One good thing to report is that I've been going to the gym more than I used to, and even lost 30 pounds. I still need to lose another 25 lbs to meet my goal, but porn addiction is probably holding back in this area as well. Over the years many people have asked me why I'm single, why I don't have a girlfriend, or why I'm not married. I never quite know how to respond to these questions. Anyways... So I stumbled upon the YourBrainOnPorn website about 6 weeks ago and found it very informative. I even managed to go 5 days with no PMO. That was a month ago. But then I relapsed and binged. I'm really just fed up with the life I'm living, and I hope that this journal can help keep me focused on getting better. I've come to realize that there's no way I'll ever have a relationship with a woman if I don't overcome my addiction to pornography. Porn addiction and healthy relationships just aren't compatible with each other. In addition, I have been known to visit the working girls in a certain mexican border town near where I live. This border town has a lively red light district with plenty of options for getting laid. Unfortunately, I can see that my porn addiction has also affected my libido. My typical visit to this place includes a stop at the local Farmacia for some Vitamin V (Viagra). There is no way I can stay hard without it, even with a beautiful, exotic, naked woman in front of me. Well 100 mg of Viagra will definitely keep me hard, but I can only cum with about 1/2 of these girls. I always thought that this ED was just a sign of my getting older, but now I suspect that it is a side affect of my porn addiction. In fact I'm certain of it. Am I turned on by women? Or am I turned on by pictures on my computer screen? I guess I've been confusing the two for so long now that the lines are blurred. Anyways... Here are my goals moving forward: -Eliminate all pornography from my life. -Continue with a diet and exercise routine to get myself in better shape. -Meet real women and learn to appreciate them as more than just sex objects. -Take my success and use it to inspire other addicts. I'll be updating this journal every several days. Thanks...Ben
Re: A new path to happiness Welcome Ben, you're in a situation similar to a lot of us here. Try to figure out why exactly you relapsed the last time, which will make it easier for you to overcome it the next time. I think it will help out if you continue to work out rigorously and pay close attention to your diet. And cut down on your computer time as well, if you tend to use it a lot (find some sort of substitute). A lot of guys report getting a lot more social confidence as the reboot goes along, so look out for that as well. Good luck.
Re: A new path to happiness It only took about 20 minutes after my original journal post above to feel the temptation to look at porn. Unbelievable. I didn't give in though. I find that I'm most tempted to look at porn when I'm really stressed out from work. I'm in a stressful line of work, and in the past I have used porn as an escape from the work related stress. I have found that all of my worries would disappear while masturbating to porn, but then they would return immediately after I released. This temporary escape from reality has gotten me nowhere in the long run. I'm only on day 2, but still optimistic that I can get through this.
Re: A new path to happiness Stay strong man. You are right: a healthy relationship and porn addiction are not compatible. I just lost the best "wife material" I've ever had because of my addiction. I couldn't get it up with her, she felt unattractive and she left. You must look long term. Yeah, PMO can make you feel good but it will turn you into a zombie, half alive. That's no way to spend life. Get out, meet new people. PMO is a worthless way to deal with problems. It robs you of emotion and desire for human connection. It doesn't solve any core issues, it just delays you confronting them.
Re: A new path to happiness Overall it was a pretty good day today. It was a tough day at work, but I hit the gym at 5:30 for a nice workout. Ate a nice healthy dinner. The only time I felt tempted today was when I first woke up. I use my iphone alarm to wake me up in the morning. Having mobile porn so close to my bed might make it too easy to slip up. I'll need to find another alarm to use. Would a heroin or meth addict keep needles and glass pipes around if they were trying to kick their habit? Not if they want to be successful. I live in a condo with common areas and lots of neighbors around. I'm going to keep the window blinds open as much as possible. Time to start opening up my life to others, rather than being a shut in porn addict.
Re: A new path to happiness Hello Ben, Those are noble goals. And you will meet them. Becoming aware of porn addiction is a vital step. The forum has been an incredible source support and information for me. I'm on my Day 10 of abstinence since I relapsed. And things are looking up. Best, --h
Re: A new path to happiness Thanks for the nice reply's so far guys. I've never shared any of this stuff with anyone before, and it feels good to get this stuff off my chest. Even if it's only anonymous and confidential, sharing this stuff seems to help.
Re: A new path to happiness Day 3 Real quick update. It was a successful day today. I'm trying to identify the times that I'm most tempted to PMO so I can prepare myself in advance for the next time. I find that I'm most tempted when I first get home from work. I'm not noticing any changes in my mood at all. No change in my level of horniness during the day. Mostly I've just been trying to keep busy around the house. I'm keeping my window blinds open as much as possible. Hit the gym again this evening for a solid workout followed by a healthy protein packed dinner. The more I think about my porn addiction, the more disgusted I am with my self. I'm not giving myself a choice...I have to conquer this shit.
Re: A new path to happiness Hi Ben, sounds like you're managing to escape from PMO slavery - well done! I'm interested in what you wanted from hookers when you went to see them - I mean, if you didn't cum, what was the point? There are a few guys on here who visit prostitutes still, or fantasise about them. I used them too, but haven't done so for a few years now (although up until recently I regularly used to visit websites for hookers and masturbate instead of using 'regular' porn). I'm starting to wonder what we all want here. There's a lot of talk about how hard our erections are and how strong our urges are - kind of macho, or seeing ourselves as sexually powerful. This reduces our prospective partners to two dimensional beings, whose only function is as a sperm receptacle - all the action goes on in my head! Sorry to think out loud on your journal - I need to think more about this and write on my own one. There's something about what we're all longing for - human contact, love, intimacy, comfort. A lot of soft, girly stuff - but maybe this is what it's all about?
Re: A new path to happiness Paulier, Thanks for the reply. Your raise some very interesting questions. I wish I knew exactly how to answer you, but I'm not sure. I think my past behavior has always been directed at fulfilling sexual fantasies, without any kind of intimacy. Seeing a hooker and not being able to cum is an embarrassing thing. I would always blame it on alcohol or drugs. I'll be thinking more about this kind of stuff as I continue to come out of the fog.
Re: A new path to happiness Day 4 So far so good Added k9 web protection to my computer today. Also added the k9 app to my iphone and added restrictions to it. Tested my computer out on a porn site and it works as advertised...access denied. I didn't throw out the license key or my password just yet. Hopefully this will be of help when the next urge strikes me, which I'm certain will be any day now. But it will take a serious effort on my part to access porn at this point.
Re: A new path to happiness You don´t need to throw away your password in my opinion, just see K9 as an extra step between you and porn, a step where you have the chance to change your mind before you start making a mistake. And welcome on board..
Re: A new path to happiness Junther is right. I know it's mostly a mind thing but the bigger you make that step, the more time you give your rational brain the chance to override your primitive desires. Soon you will find yourself going for the password like you're possessed by an outside force. It's happened to me countless times. Don't make it too easy to get that password. I now keep my password in an ice block in the garage freezer.
Re: A new path to happiness One thing I enjoy doing when possible is ocean fishing. It's fun to bring a big fish on board and watch it flop around on the deck of a boat. I felt just like one of those fish today. I felt nervous and anxious. I was dropping stuff, I spilled coffee on myself, and I couldn't concentrate. I was late for a morning appointment. Such a wide range of emotions running through my head right now, it's like a whirlwind inside of my brain. I'm just beginning to realize how arduous this is. It feels so permanent. Fortunately I didn't feel really tempted to look at porno today. Hopefully a good nights sleep will bring comfort to my tormented mind. Day 4 is in the books.
Re: A new path to happiness Days 5 and 6. No PMO. Feeling better these last two days. I've just been trying to keep busy and stay off of the internet. Day 4 was a tough one, probably due to work related stress and not using my usual PMO escape. I don't think I've ever gone 6 days without MO since I was a kid. I'm hopeful that I can keep this going.
Re: A new path to happiness Day 7 - Yesterday It was a good day. But when I went to bed at 11pm I got an erection out of nowhere. This usually never happens. I tried to fight it, but it lasted for about 10 minutes. I ended up masturbating in my bed. Did not look at porn. The climax was average at best. There were no porno images in my mind at the time. Instead there were images of girlfriends past, and a hot girl that I saw at the gym yesterday. I'm pretty disappointed by this, as I had hoped to go longer with no MO. I'll try to do better than 7 days this time.
Re: A new path to happiness Day 8 - No porn. Day 1 - no MO Really wish I hadn't wacked off last night. It feels like a whole week of progress went down the drain. Fortunately though, I haven't been tempted to look at porn and I don't really miss it yet. Hopefully I never will miss it. I'll keep fighting. I have a two night business trip to take, starting tomorrow. This is where mobile porn has been kicking my ass. I'll need to find things to do to keep myself occupied while on the road for the next two evenings. I'll be bringing some gym clothes with me, so I can hit the hotel fitness center.
Re: A new path to happiness Update: Today was day 11 of no porn. I jerked off twice today, once in the morning, and once when I got home. The erections and orgasms have been mediocre. I did this while fantasizing about real hot women that I see through the course of my day. Only 4 orgasms in 11 days is still pretty good though, but I think I can do better. I drank a lot of beers last night while staying in a hotel. I think I'm more susceptible to relapse after I drink, so I'll need to cut down on the alcohol. About 1/2 hour ago I got really tempted to watch porn. This is probably the strongest urge I've had since I started this. Glad I was able to fight it off. I want no PMO from here on out.
Re: A new path to happiness That is so good progress, but keep in mind that the alcohol can lower your defense, for me coming home loaded is especially dangerous and the hangover-day too, so I try to avoid heavy drinking.
Re: A new path to happiness Yeah, Alcohol has been a problem for me for many years. It's another part of my life that I need to get under control. Most of my drinking takes place when I travel and stay in hotels. I usually drink at a hotel bar, or I book hotels close to restaurants that have bars. Most of these places have hot waitresses or bar tenders that turn me on big time. I never used to look at porn on my work laptop, so on these trips I would always turn to mobile porn. I wonder how many opportunities I have missed with chicks because of my porn usage? Was I missing all kinds of subtle signs because porn had me in a daze? Cutting porn from my life has been surprisingly easy so far. Only a few times have I really felt tempted to look at it. I gotta get back to the gym, as I have skipped the last 4 days. I have family in town for the weekend so I'll be spending most of these next two days with them. Cutting out MO has been the hard part, so to speak. The times I have MO'd have been mostly unsatisfying. I don't see how I'm going to meet my goals if I continue to MO, so I need to find a way to ignore the urge. I've also had the urge to go find a hooker to bang, but I plan to just ignore that until I'm much deeper into this reboot. I don't think I could keep it up without ED meds. Anyways, banging hookers over the years is all part of my same sexual dysfunction IMO. Is it a fear of rejection that has kept me using porn and hookers over the years? I've never felt rejected from porn or by hookers. I still haven't completed watching the YBOP video series. I need to dig deeper into that website.
