Extreme guilt - Can't live like this no more, need my life back.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Stopper, Mar 3, 2012.

  1. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    You're doing well. Stay strong!
     
  2. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member

    That´s what I like to hear, stay strong!
     
  3. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    It's been awhile since i've updated, last time I managed to do it till around 30 days, I didn't keep exact count but it was around that, after cause of circumstances I didn't keep track of it.

    Now i'm on day 10, I haven't had a good natural normal boner for 10 days, only weak stuff...i really have been feeling for the first time in 10 days that i'm craving to see the porn, fetishes and stuff...but my dick doesn't get hard at all while craving it, i'm just craving for it, my dick is soft and also smaller than usual...

    can someone kinda tell me in what stage this is, is this what they call flatlining? I don't feel like I have no libido, I'm not really looking for it right now either, but still.
     
  4. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I must say I'm pretty proud of myself and I know I will stick this through till the end considering that I've been behind a computer for 10+ hours a day this past week, every single day and haven't jerked off or anything.
     
  5. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    On day 14 now! Gonna sleep now so tomorrow it'll be day 15 NO PMO!
     
  6. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    woke up with a slight boner today for the first time, not full, it seems like my dick is still recovering from the 5+ binge on the last day i M'd...so i cant even get a full good erection:/

    watched 1 minute of porn after i read something about twins and porn, got fascinated and wanted to see twins for a minute.

    i wouldn't call it a relapse cause it didnt feel like 1 but it was wrong to do, i shouldnt have, i didnt get hard though or anything

    currently on day 15 now.

    kinda dissapointed i didnt keep my word to what i said in the signature for a small part, but it was clicking through a video and didnt get arroused, just wanted to see for the excitement of seeing it, normally i wouldnt even care about twins in porn. stupid to do but moving on!
     
  7. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I appreciate the support. Yea I read about that on YBOP.com, that u can't slack once you've went a long way, this is true, yet I'm only on day 16 but I have had a very big thing happening this morning lol

    Day 16
    Woke up with a major erection, full rock hard on, it didn't even go away, I woke up to grab my laptop to update my journal right away and while I had my laptop on me and I was thinking about other stuff, it still was hard, for 10 minutes straight. After the 10 minutes and my focus started to go to something else it went soft, but I haven't been full hard in 16 days even after seeing a pornographic image or something that would normally spark an even slight boner, nothing happened, this morning out of nowhere I woke up with one. And it felt good...:)
     
  8. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    Currently on day 17

    I'm online all the time and see things like ''sexual'' pictures at times, just like if u would watch tv and something pops up that u don't look for, but I don't get hard. Yet if I talk to my GF(we're in a bad place right now) I'm very sensitive to getting erections or getting aroused, when we talk on the phone or skype...

    Yet a picture online does nothing at all, Visually I get attracted to see it, but I go away...

    What I also feel that helps is that when I feel a thought of porn come up that I rather don't want, like a scenario/fantasy or anything you don't really want but u got aroused by because of watching too much porn is that when u think of it, just shake your head and say SHUT UP...man SHUT UP. Go away...and then shake your head...I've done this several times and whenever this happens I just don't think about the thought anymore and I associate it with something weak, like denying a dog to become your pet, just say NO, physically. Me personally, when this happens and I feel the thought doesn't even arrouse me anymore, I feel stronger and realize in the moment that that fetish was something weak that really isn't a part of what you are or what you really like, It's just a part of the addiction, and by denying it you really put it out of your system...I'm still doing it but I feel the change.

    So basically I think this is very good, I don't get aroused by ''sexual'' pictures from other random people or anything. Only by the voice of my GF or even phone interaction with her...that's why I rise physically if you know what I mean.(I get erections!!)

    And I keep going strong!
     
  9. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    Currently on day 18

    Just very horny all day since this morning. Wanna come.
     
  10. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Stop,
    I'm much older than you (52) but it seems like we have a lot in common.
    I'm in a long distance relationship and I've struggled with those guilt feelings and confusion as to whether it's "cheating".
    She'd call and I'd have a porn pic on the screen so I'd cut the conversation short.
    But when I found this sight I shifted my perspective.
    Now, even though she doesn't know it, she is helping me reboot. And that is ok because I know we care about eachother.
    Even though I'm still too ashamed to reveal this to her, there is no doubt that she'd help me by giving me release when I need it.
    So, for me, it's not cheating.
    Let me warn you though, if you continue to feel guilty or ambivalent about your relationship, you'll lose her.
    It's not for me to judge whether that is good or bad.
    It sounds like she cares about you. That doesn't mean you're ready to "come clean" about your addiction.
    When or if you reveal it depends on you brother.
    All you really need to tell her is the truth. "I'm struggling with some things in my life." "My feelings are a bit mixed up at the moment but I do know I care about you." "You've never stopped being important to me." etc.
    Actually women love to hear that stuff and it is all true.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  11. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I really appreciate your answer GettingThere...it seems like we are in the same situation, my last reboot got cut short cause I met my gf so my reboot just stopped, I think I got to around 23 days, I don't remember exactly, but I told her about the porn...it was in a moment where we were talking and I asked her, in a casual moment while laughing how she would respond if she knew that I watched porn, she said, u know what...I don't even remember exactly what she said, but she said something like she wouldn't expect different if it was like that, cause i'm a guy...then i fessed up but it was like she really didn't expect that I did it, so it was a real dissapointment, from there on it didn't really get any better...I felt ashamed and cried, I tried to kinda laugh it off at first and be casual about it, but how I felt myself about the situation and the deep regret I felt on my own for all the months I couldn't tell her cause of the distance, all of it just came out, so I cried...and basically after that...what can I say, she said I basically betrayed her, cheated on her, desired other girls, all the things you would say to your own GF or wife if she was looking for other men online in sex videos...you feel hurt and you say these things...she didn't look at it like how I was feeling or the cause of why it happened or anything behind it, she just thought I didn't desire her...

    And that's where things got just not good, we still were together after that and stuff, but there was a different bond, like love, but not in love, neither of us...I had already planned a flight to go to her place 2 weeks after we met so there we kinda kept it going, but after that when I was at her place, we broke up...cause I was different and she didn't feel the same about me, she felt like I betrayed her...

    So I tried getting her back, all kinds of things, ow...I forgot...something that really hurt her too was that when I told her about the porn I just put it out, and how I was feeling...and I told her I don't even know if she was right for me, I felt confused, I mentioned other crushes I had in the past and that I had thoughts like ''what if they were right for me'', I just told her straight up. And that is a lot to deal with right away so besides the porn I understand why she was so hurt, she just thought my feelings changed for her...but it was because of self guilt, self hate that I developed through the months by having kept watching porn and not stopping, so I was just CONFUSED...why did I do this, why did I fall into this old habit of mine to feel guilty and then after that destroy my self respect and my RELATIONSHIP AND LOVE...I kept destroying it more by having kept watching porn, cause everytime I did it was another act of lack of respect to self and confirmation that I was the man I thought I became, so I didn't stop, I had no respect for her, our relationship, myself...and that just was a lot to go through.

    So yesterday I had a talk with her over Skype...I explained it to her, I told her it was an act of self hate by doing it, and that before I first watched porn since I've been with her I never was confused and I KNEW what I wanted...but the porn just got inside and just mixed a lot of things up...and It changed my feelings............

    And it's just really painful to imagine it is like that but u can only see the pattern why things happen after they happen, so I told her and yesterday, since we haven't been in a good place for a while now...she understood and put her own feelings aside, and she said she understood...which was such a relief.

    I told her, I believe in the perfect relationship u will still love the other person the same way even with their flaws, and basically yea, I did tell her...but I also told her yesterday that my self respect has not been back since I did it, which is very hard since the first time I watched porn since I've been with her was September 2011, but I think at the same time, I have only quit porn for 18 days, so maybe I just need time to heal and get my self respect back, and with that take the guilt away...cause yes you're right, and I know this...if I keep feeling guilty I will lose her. But it's like, cause of the guilt I WANT to lose her deep inside, because I feel like I don't deserve her.

    I will tell you a little breakthrough though which is very interesting and I honestly haven't felt in ages, something with our relationship that I have just missed ever since I first watched porn was the feeling that she belonged to me, that she was mine and I was hers, but feeling I deserve her.

    Yesterday, we had a talk and yes it was kind of eye-opening to her, and to feel she understood took a burden of my shoulder to, but at the end of the conversation I actually felt, for the first time since a long time, that I deserved her...that she actually belonged to me.

    And that has been something that I have been kicked away from for so long now, because of the porn.......the porn made her not belong to me anymore, the porn made me feel like I kicked her away, threw her away...but I had a moment yesterday after we talked where she understood and still accepted me which made me feel like I deserve her...even if it was for a moment, it was that old feeling I had missed for so long.

    I think through more talking it's gonna be easier to heal and get over this guilt, cause guilt is a killer, it raises my stress level, it really just takes away your self respect.

    Kind of a long post, but basically, I told her and we've been in a bad place for quit some time now but it's slowly getting better and after really having her make me feel like she accepts me and what I did and have me explain why things happened and how I think, and have her still want me, I feel it is bringing that bond back, that commitment to one another...It's not quit there yet, but I haven't felt this in months and it is what I need to be able to love her completely. You can't love if you don't love yourself. You can't be fully commited if you have a bad consciounce.

    A long post but I wanted to share this with you, Curious to hear more about your long distance relationship as well!
     
  12. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    Day 20 - Relapsed.

    I relapsed to porn, can't believe I did that over making 20 full days, at the same time I'm not gonna let this pull me down, I know the pull was neuroligical and I had a moment where I just couldn't see no other way than to just release and get it out my system...it only took 6 seconds of pulling to a porn video...:/

    Dissapointed in myself but I'm gonna keep fighting, not binge and just go through, I have to realize I have been watching porn for 10 years straight, it's not easy...

    Fucking stupid but I will keep going, don't know if I should count over or just go through, Gary says it's not about the amount of days like that, but I mean for motivation purposes...

    I guess it's back to 0, FUCK.
     

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