Extreme guilt - Can't live like this no more, need my life back.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Stopper, Mar 3, 2012.

  1. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I'm a young man, shameful to say, in a long distance relationship and deeply ashamed of this addiction, I have been watching porn since 12 years old, I have never really felt guilty for it, I thought of it as a ''wow...gotta try this again'' feeling as soon as I got my first orgasm. It was a thing of my own.....I have never ever since I got my first orgasm(13) not orgasmed for longer than 7 days(my first reboot attempt was the first time I had abstained for ''that long'', it was a few weeks ago). When I see the stories on here and on YBOP.com, I find them simply unbelievable, since I've relapsed just a couple of days ago after being triggered cause of a .gif image on Tumblr. I have started my new reboot since the beginning of March. I know this is anonymous, but when it comes to being in a long distance relationship and doing this...I have never felt like less of a man...am I the only one? Cause I'm not like this, I am blessed with the most beautiful woman in the world, in the world, ever...but ever since the first time I fell into this old habit(I really didn't even realize till after what I done) I felt like I've cheated...have I cheated? It has been a continuous habit I have had with myself since 12 years old...I feel like I have a secret to her now and I feel like I'm not honest to her and like I should say, but so afraid, This whole thing has made me so unstable and it has caused the relationship to become unstable cause of me, cause of my guilt and ''bad consciousness''.

    I'm in deep misery and I'm on day 3 now, I can't afford falling back into self-guilt and self-destruct, I'm an honest person at heart and I can't lie to the people I love :( I feel like I'm betraying the one I love and I hate myself because of it.

    I didn't know I was doing anything wrong till the first time I did it after it was long distance again a week after we were apart...and after realizing what I did and writing 2 papers of apologies and sorry to her to put it on paper...I found out how hard it was to stop, and it is like someone on YBOP.com once said, one of the hardest things to do. I never knew that what I did was wrong, but then again I've never been in a relationship before that(cause of the porn?) and had to find out what's wrong to do by committing the act...I feel not in control of myself and I don't know how to handle this. I feel like men that cheat...and I'm really really not like that...and it's the worst thing ever cause it makes me someone I not cause of the guilt and ''bad conscious''. Any thoughts? I'm not that person!

    I am on day 3 now, a few hours ago I came on a porn page, my mind cheated itself, it went from ''just check that, get it away and move on'' to looking and looking for 4 minutes. Haven't touched, didn't get hard, just aroused cause of the old feelings I guess, but clicked it away.

    I feel like men that cheat, I feel like a player which I'm not, I feel like I'm not serious, It even makes me kick away my woman simply because I hate myself because of it...

    In need of support, got no one else to talk to when it comes about this...am I the person I think I am??? I think of myself as worthless and not deserving my other one, I feel like a cheater or like other men who have, I feel weak.
     
  2. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member

    At first you should make it harder for yourself to watch porn, get some blocking-software like K9 or whatever to add an additional step before you can watch porn, a step where you have a chance of chancging your mind.

    You are on the right path though I think, you are honest to yourself, be honest to your gf too, if she really cares about you she hopefully will stick with you.

    And don´t be too hard on yourself, you don´t cheat to her, you are one of millions of people with an addiction, you are obviously not alone when you look around in this forum, we all have a weak spot when it comes to porn, that´s why we are here.
     
  3. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    I'm putting special emphasis on this part, because I think it's crucial. By beating yourself up you are only making it worse. This is just a problem, the same one all of us here have, and you just need to deal with it.
     
  4. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    Thank you, I put a suggestion in the main forum with some great software...

    Yes you are right, but the guilt and not being able to be honest in such circumstances(long distance - already being hard for 2 people in general)...it just feels like betrayal. It's really hard to deal with, all I can do is simply stop and admit it to her eventually, which I will...crying on my knees or begging her if I have to of shame.

    by the way, thanks for the replies so far guys...I appreciate it.
     
  5. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    It's the feeling like your lusting on someone else, even if it is images, even if it is stuff and you are basically placing yourself in another person on the screen, that feels so disgusting to myself...so disgusting, cause I'm in a relationship, I know for a fact though if it wasn't long distance this wouldn't happen cause when I'm with my other one I have 0% eyes or thoughts for porn, it looks and feels and sounds fake to me...but when I get home and I'm alone and it's long distance again...that's where it went wrong...to myself.
     
  6. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member

    Don´t you think that being honest with your gf about your PMO-problem would take a lot of pressure away from you?
    you have come so far in your mind already, you see that there is a problem, you know why there is a problem and, most important here I think, you know when you have no problem with PMO, when you are next her. And you want to work on it, for her. Tell her that and hope she sees how much of a problem this is for you and that she is they main reason you want to attack that problem. It will be a major relief for you I hope.

    Honesty can never be a bad thing.
     
  7. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    You are absolutely right, and I will...just telling her over the phone won't be a good situation, it will only make things harder, I know this.

    It's day 9 and I haven't touched myself or came or anything, throughout these days I have experienced having the strongest erections in a while.

    I did just basically ''relapse'' by watching porn for 4 minutes, I've had a bad day and it's no excuse, but I haven't touched myself. So far I'm proud I have made 9 days and I'm gonna keep going. I've been experiencing mental benefits...I'm not gonna let this put me down even if I relapsed with P...I havent touched myself and it's been the longest time period since the first time I ever came, so kudos to me. Now keep going and fighting. No P and M.
     
  8. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I'm gonna be honest...I do feel the urge for porn, it feels like once I do it I will feel free, it's like just the freedom to click images(videos), see stuff, see fantasies come to life...it's all a hand click away:/ it's fucked up.

    I think it's cause of my testosterone levels, I feel like they're pretty high now(worked out hard etc.). One moment u can feel like it's so easy to go through these days, I'm on day 9 now but those little moments of weakness can break u. I'm not gonna let them.
     
  9. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I NEED TO COME!
     
  10. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I have relapsed just a few minutes ago after 12 days, don't really know what to say or think. Did not binge, don't have the urge to binge, felt like I was so full I needed it out, I'm ashamed.
     
  11. TheDude

    TheDude New Member

    Was it to porn or just MO?
     
  12. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    To porn, 2 minute watch, I was depressed last night, had a dream like I relapsed(woke up felt bad thinking I did? realizing I hadn't), was depressed from a personal situation last night, and I didn't touch myself like normally, I didn't even enjoy the O...i was half-soft when it happened cause on the last end I wanted it to stop but it was already too late...i wasn't even hard except in the beginning 2 minutes before when it started the process...

    everything is so typical, u relapse, u feel bad...i feel really depressed and i notice how before I O'd i got out of bed, got downstairs, did things, now I dont even feel like going out of bed, don't wanna have the energy, think about all the things i'm missing out on since my fuel is out of my system. I read so much how u can use your sexual power for the better, and it's true, I feel like I just gave that out now and I didn't even enjoy it, and i'm glad I didn't, i don't wanna enjoy it unless it's sex...

    I don't know what to think or say now, I'm on YBOP.com, Gary says if u don't binge, u should keep going, I haven't...but it feels like all the ''fuel'' I build up these 12 days are simply gone...and it feels terrible.

    what should i do?...
     
  13. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I guess I'm experiencing this brain fog now too that people are describing, I feel tired. The worst part is I need to be at an occasion in just a few days where I have to be really socially active with people. I really need some advice.
     
  14. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-18-first-100-days

    this guy didn't count over and he didn't binge like i did, only difference is he was at day 70 and i'm at day 12...
     
  15. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Hey man, I relapsed too. Just keep going forward, because you got some gains just in that 12 day span .
     
  16. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member

    Yes, don´t be too hard on yourself, after all you are you are jsut a human being and making mistakes belongs to the nature of all of us.

    Just get you a fresh start.

    btw, have you talked to your girl yet? I am very interested in the outcome of this conversation.
     
  17. geordie

    geordie New Member

    stopper i felt exactly the same on saturday. i really felt this time was the one. i felt great and determined. the best thing is to learn from it and move on. i dont think ive felt anywhere near as down on this relapse as previous ones. i really want to get this out of my life and i think that the amount of regret i felt will help to guide me through next time i get the urge.

    head down power through!
     
  18. hosea

    hosea New Member

    Hey, Stopper.

    I've got some similar stuff going on. There's a girl that I really like, and am trying to develop a relationship with. She's a big part of what has finally motivated me to recognize this as an addiction and start treating it accordingly. I think I'm going to have the opportunity to start a physical relationship with her in a few months. I want to be ready physically, of course, but I also want to be emotionally ready. When I have a partner, I want all of my sexual energy to be given to her. I don't want to squander it on a bunch of pixels.

    I'm new to this, myself, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think you're being way too hard on yourself. When you beat yourself up over failure, you're just piling on extra shame and guilt, and those are two of the worst demotivators.

    As trite as it sounds, think positive. Give yourself a little of grace. You stumbled. Analyze it, figure out what happened, and plan to change that in the future. The emotional energy you spend running yourself down could be better spent moving yourself forward.

    Keep going, and good luck with the girl.

    - H
     
  19. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I guess you're right, energy wise I did, mentally too, but after the relapse the mental part was gone. First I had a serious brain fog, like my brain was seperate from my head, you feel stupid(literally, like ticking your skull and feeling like nothing is in there).

    I agree with you...it's crazy, 1 moment you're like this and it can feel like you're on the roll and you're going good, a next night you can be relapsing in your bed...it's amazing but crazy, a deadly killer, beware.

    I know, but uncounciously, I can not ignore the fact of what I'm doing is wrong and I'm doing it in ''secret'', it just bites me. I just believe the faster I stop doing this and it is a part of the past, the easier I can look myself and other people in the eye again.

    I really appreciate the feedback you guys...good to know I'm not the only one struggling. Some changes I've noticed after relapse:

    -Restless(''calm'' brain seems gone, handwriting is bad)
    -Waking up awake after short sleep doesn't seem to have changed, energy is still there.

    It's more the mental and social impact after a relapse.

    And no I haven't yet @ Jünther, I almost did it but I wanna wait till I am deep in my reboot and I can talk about it like it's no longer an issue and a thing of the past...the main concern right now is to succeed the re-boot at first. And it's so easy to fall back on us being ''human'', but it's weakness, I hate weakness. But I feel your point.
     
  20. Stopper

    Stopper IT'S OVER!!!

    I'm on day 15 now.

    I hit day 14 yesterday, I read before that 2 weeks really makes an impact on everything. I have noticed at around day 10 I started to take less from people. Almost got in an arguement with people a couple of times.

    No urges no more, not anything really right now. So it's good.

    If I take away that 1-time relapse(no binge) it would be 27 days, but I've started over so it's day 15 now.

    I can do this.
     

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