Everything you ever wanted lives on the other side of fear.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Dr. Jekyll, Nov 20, 2022.

  1. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Dear companions of this never-ending journey,

    I will use this journal to post my story and share with you my recent experiences. I have never posted on this forum before, but I have been an active reader for 10 years. I want to thank everyone who posted their stories here and on yourbrainonporn because you gave me a lot of hope and courage. I hope my story can help you as others did for me.

    I was introduced to porn at an early age (12/13 years old) by a middle-school classmate. Since my first view, I got completely hooked by porn. During middle-school, I spent most of my afternoons masturbating at home alone watching hours of porn non-stop and playing videogames.

    During the years, I began losing morning erections. I began losing erections while masturbating and escalated in my porn genres.

    This routine had damaging effects on my social life and confidence. While still in elementary school, I was a social kid, with a lot of male and female friends. But once I got hooked, the number of friends drastically decreased, especially the number of female friends.

    My sex life started at an early age as well (14 years old) but soon my ED problems emerged. I still remember the first time that my body did not react to a naked girl in my bed. I felt so bad, so ashamed, so angry with myself. The bad experiences with the other sex started to accumulate year after year and my desire to flirt with girls was affected.

    During my high school, I entered a bad spiral of masturbation, porn, failed attempts, alcohol, drugs and repeat. I also stopped working out and practicing sport. Most of the times I encountered a girl who was into me, I felt a blocking feeling inside my stomach because I was so afraid of what could happen if we tried to sleep together. I could never feel the natural physical attraction on the first night with a new girl. It normally took me 2 or 3 failed attempts with the same girl before I could really succeed.

    Condoms were a no-no for my erections as well. If I ever had an ok erection with a girl while foreplaying on the first night, if I tried to pull off for a second just to take out a condom from my pockets, the erection was already over.

    By such, one-night stands were never a real thing for me. I had to rely on long lasting relationships to get my share of sex during the years. Plus, I felt unworthy chasing the good-looking girls that I really liked. The few long-lasting relationships that I had were with girls that I did not like as much. I was never 100% happy with them, but at the same time I did not want to feel alone. While in relationship with these girls, I kept masturbating non-stop and dreaming of other girls. As you can imagine, some sooner, others later, they broke up with me.

    I discovered yourbrainonporn around 10 years ago while I was still at the university. I just had broken up with a girlfriend at that time. The discovery of the forum was eye-opening. I already knew inside myself that something was wrong with my masturbation and that it was damaging my relationships, but I was also ashamed to talk with people about my problem. Luckily, I found the website while searching for an explanation on Google.

    During the 5 years after, I had multiple hard-mode streaks of +30 days. My longest streak was around 60 days. During this period, I restarted working out, I graduated with honors from my university, and I had few relationships with the other sex. I had my best year ever when I went to study abroad.

    Everything seemed better and my life was starting to turn around. However, when I came back from my year abroad, I went back to PMO. Not sure how and why, but it happened. And, like a divine punishment, few weeks later I met a former high-school gf that I liked a lot. We attempted several times to have sex, but I always failed. I could feel she liked me a lot as well. I remember literally praying for a decent erection but sadly my body could never get turned on. This experience completely broke me apart.

    Then, I moved abroad for work, and we stopped seeing each other. Later, Covid19 came and my PMO habit skyrocketed again. I felt very lonely during this period. I stopped working out and I gained more than 15kg. I restarted playing videogames and I did not have much social life as well.

    Last summer I decided to move back to my home country, I changed job and I started to practice sport again. I almost lost 10kg in one year and I am in the best shape I have ever been. I have been trying to bring my PMO under control again and I am currently in a hard-mode streak of +20 days.

    Recently, my former high-school gf contacted me again because she found out I came back from abroad. We went out few times so far but nothing sexual yet, although I can feel the sparks in the air from both sides. I am also spending time together with a girl that goes to my same gym with whom I have a particularly good vibe.

    Not sure what I will do with both girls, but I am currently taking the long way home because I do not want to break apart as I did the last time.

    "Everything you ever wanted lives on the other side of fear."

    I wish you all the best, my friends!
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Then there is no reason to keep hyding. :3

    I'll show myself out.

    Fight hard, good Doctor!
    Dr. Jekyll and tarconi_union like this.
  3. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Hello guys,

    I want to give an update on my reboot situation. I am currently at around 30 days of my hard-mode streak.

    In the first two weeks, I had continuous mood swings. One day I was feeling happy, the day after I was pretty depressed. But in the last few days, I think I found some peace. I feel pretty ok right now.

    I am pretty motivated during the day and I am doing things. I keep going to the gym everyday and I restarted studying Python and SQL. I also started sending my CV to hiring companies because I want to change job.

    I am still suffering some insomnia though. I started drinking some infusion of chamomile before going to bed to alleviate my problem. I think it helps me but it still take me quite a while before I fall asleep. Every night I keep thinking and thinking.

    What it is really hurting me right now is the absence of morning woods and erections during the day. My dick is lifeless, shriveled up and feels cold. It really looks like my little brother is trying to hide itself within my body, like the head of a turtle. While I mentally feel attracted to girls, my body seems unresponsive. This is blocking me to make the next step with the very few girls I am currently in touch with. I am even afraid of attempting a kiss because I know that things could get sexual in a matter of hours / days and I want to avoid another embarrassing situation. I thought about buying some ED pills to help myself the first few nights but I am not sure if it is the right way to go.

    Tonight I am going out with this girl again. Last time we had dinner together, we had a good connection and vibe. However, I am afraid she is expecting the next step and I am quite nervous. I don't really feel ready yet, but at the same time I don't want to lose the opportunity. Not sure what I will do tonight.

    Peace, guys.
    tarconi_union likes this.
  4. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Well... Last night went well!

    We had dinner together and we drank some cocktails on a pub afterwards. The connection was on.

    As soon as we started dancing and our bottom bodies got close and touched, my little brother woke up from its long lasting sleep. I was not really expecting this and it remained on guard for the rest of the night!

    We ended up kissing and touching each other and the feeling was pretty welcomed.

    We will probably meet next weekend again and things might turn sexual. I am a bit nervous.

    I hate being anxious about something I should really look forward and enjoy. Fuck it.

    Peace, guys.
    tarconi_union likes this.
  5. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Today, after working out, I was chatting and joking with a female friend at the gym and my little brother started to get hard. I had to control myself. I think she realized it. LOL
    tarconi_union likes this.
  6. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    This week I had morning woods everyday so far. Not the best morning woods ever but at least they are there. I think rewiring with my friend last weekend really clicked something inside myself. Crossed fingers.
    tarconi_union likes this.
  7. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    I successfully completed no nuts november :) the plan is to continue on with no nuts december, with the only exception that I can nut with girls if I have an opportunity. Crossed fingers.

    I wish you a happy no nuts december, my friends.
    tarconi_union likes this.
  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Congrats! Keep that nut allergy going!
    Dr. Jekyll likes this.
  9. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Nice that we are close to each other in terms of streak days. Let's keep going!
  10. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Well, either today or tomorrow will be the big NIGHT. I am kind of nervous, I am not gonna lie.

    By sunday morning, I will definetely know if my little brother can dance or not at this stage. I really hope I did not rush my rewire / reboot. I don't want to screw up again. Please little brother, stay on my side...

    I already failed with this girl some years ago and I really don't want to go through the pain again. The embarassment and rage that I felt last time was/is more than enough. I hope 35 days of hardmode are enough. Crossed fingers.

    For precaution, I also got an ED pill from a friend of mine. Quite embarassing. I never used it before, but I really don't have much to lose at this point. I think the pill could help me as an extra boost of confidence. If it works, I do not plan to take any other pill for the next times.

    I will keep you posted. Next time you hear me, you will know how it went.

    Good luck to you too, guys!!! :)
    tarconi_union likes this.
  11. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    I just had a normal sex experience. I cannot believe it. No embarassment, no awkwardness, nothing. Just some normal sex, like it should be. I feel so good right now. Cheers guys.
  12. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    This weekend I will go skiing with my friends. I think it will be a good opportunity to relax and switch off everything. I haven't been on a real holiday for the last 2 years so I am in a pretty good mood.

    My streak is still going. It is almost 40 days since the last time I watched porn and masturbated. Thoughts on porn have been really limited in the last days. I have so many other things to think about (looking for a new job, studying new programming languages, going out on a date) that porn is literally becoming a minor thought.

    About my current withdrawal symptoms, the prominent problem that I still have is insomnia. I have difficulties in falling asleep (I always try to go to bed at midnight but my brain often keeps thinking until 1-2 am) and sometimes I wake up very early (eg. today I woke up at 5am and I couldn't fall asleep again).

    I may go out with my date again today to spend some time together before my weekend trip. If not, I will meet her again next week once I come back from the trip.

    I leave you with a quote from the song Star Walkin' by Lil Nas X. I really identify myself and my no-fap journey with this chorus so it might inspire you as well.

    Cheers, guys!
    tarconi_union likes this.
  13. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Hi guys,

    Last night I came back from the trip with my friends. The weekend went pretty smooth. I think I had some positive social interactions during the trip.

    However, I got the flu while I was there and I do not feel so much good today (both physically and mentally). I am worried about the mental aspect though.

    I keep thinking I screwed my life pretty hard in the last 5 years and it makes me really sad. I made few bad career decisions in these years and I currently don't have the career I dreamed of in the past. This situation is making me insecure and emotionally unstable.

    I really want to fix this aspect in my life.
  14. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    I guess some people always need to struggle and life will always be hard regardless if you fap or not.

    This week I had sex with the girl again. She came at my place and we enjoyed our moment. Unfortunately, after finishing inside her, I realised the condom got cracked ffs. We were pretty unlucky, I guess. The same night, we went to a pharmacy and she took the morning-after pill.

    However, the girl is completely freaking out right now. She is super worried about what could happen. Her period should come by the end of next week, so we can only wait and see. I told her that I will be there for her in case of any need but she does not want to see me. She is not sure anymore if going out with me was the right choice. Pretty sad. I just wanted to pass some good time with her and see how things could evolve but this disadventure happened and it screwed up all the plans.

    PS. My no-fap, no-porn streak is still going and I am not planning to surrender. But ffs, why am I so fcing unlucky???
    tarconi_union likes this.
  15. tarconi_union

    tarconi_union Member

    I am assuming it was something new doc. Be glad it happened. Keep going. Rejection might make you go back to porn.
  16. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Cracking a condom was new for me, but not rejection. But still, I am not sure we are talking about rejection here. I think she probably just needs some time to cool down and take a breath. I guess the pressure on girls is much higher in these situations than on guys.

    About porn, I haven't really thought about it in a while. It is like my decision of no PM is much stronger this time than any other time I tried before.
    tarconi_union likes this.
  17. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Today I went out with a friend of the gym. She is traveling back to her hometown for Christmas for a week and she wanted to see me before leaving (this was already unusual).

    We had a cocktail together at a pub and then she gave me her Christmas gift (unexpected). Then, after hugging each other, she literally kissed me.

    I knew we had good vibes when talking at the gym and I felt she was probably into me, but what happened today was totally unexpected. She is hot as well. Never before a girl kissed me without me initiating the move. We kept kissing for the rest of the night.

    I still cannot believe what happened few hours ago.
    Gil79 and tarconi_union like this.
  18. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    So, today the girl with whom I had the condom misadventure called me and told me she just got her period. Problem solved, I guess.

    She is much more relaxed and calm now. We talked at the phone for almost 40 minutes about all the things that happened during the last week. But we haven't really talked about continuing our dating. I did not ask, she didn't as well.

    Today I also had a call with the girl from the gym who kissed me this weekend.

    I don't really know what to do with these 2 girls now. Any suggestion?

    From one side, I have the girl from the gym who gave me her gift and kissed me last weekend. I like her and I guess she likes me as well given what she did last time. We know each other for 4 months but, outside the gym, we haven't really spent much time together. We just went out twice. We only kissed once and no sex yet.

    From the other side, I have the girl with whom I recently had the condom misadventure. She is an old flame of mine. We know each other since high-school. During these years, we dated for multiple periods but our dating never really lasted long for multiple reasons. I started to see her again one month ago and we had few sexual encounters in this month. I like her as well but I am not sure how much she likes me. I never really understood what she wants from me in these years.

    I don't want to disrespect any of these girls because I care of both. But at the same time I would like to give an opportunity to both, especially to the gym girl because she never had the chance. I don't want to hurt any of them but I guess at least one of the two will get hurt (and probably me as well).
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2022
  19. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Hi guys,

    I went out with the gym girl again before she left for her family town. I feel she is really into me and cares about us. I was not expecting so much interest from her side but I am not disappointed at all.

    We went out together to see the Christmas street market, then we took a drink at a pub close by. We chatted for a while there and we kissed again.

    Whenever we are together, she is always looking for my touch and wants to stay close to me. For example, we were sitting one in front of the other while talking and she asked me if she could sit on my legs :) She also likes to kiss a lot. I am not so used to but I enjoy it.

    While we were kissing, my mojo was pretty awake and I guess she felt it quiet good.

    I will see her again before New Year's Even once she comes back from her trip. I will try to invite her at my place or go to hers.
    tarconi_union likes this.
  20. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Today I have strong porn cravings. It has been a while since I felt like this.

    Last night I went to a club and drank few drinks with some friends. I came home at 5am.

    If clubbing and drinking have these effects on me, I guess I should stay away from these places, especially because I even don't like much clubs nowadays.

    To me, clubs don't look anymore places where you can really pick up girls. In the past, you could see a lot of people kissing each other in clubs, but now very few. Everyone just drinks, few people dance, very few people smile and every girl just thinks to be a superstar. Not my taste I guess.
    Gil79 likes this.

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