Everything but actual sex.

Discussion in 'Women' started by niftyfifty, Jun 17, 2015.

  1. niftyfifty

    niftyfifty New Member

    Married 5 years to a man 15 years younger. We literally didn't have sex the first year of our marriage because he had ED. I knew it before we got married but still went ahead with the wedding because I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He was addicted to porn and masturbated lying on his stomach squeezing his penis tight. These two reasons attributed to his ED, besides a prostrate infection. Thats what the doc said. He got off porn and I helped him masturbate right, gradually reducing pressure. Medicines took care of the prostrate infection. It took almost a year for things to improve. Since then, things have been a tiny bit better. Heres how it is....

    I can understand that men have more sexual needs and hence the groping. Although if the woman feels offended, he should cease and desist. Period. My predicament is somewhat strange. My husband gropes, fondles and dry humps at every opportunity. In the kitchen, while watching TV, while passing me in the corridor, while driving..... Explicit suggestive flirting too. But theres no real action. He can barely do it once a week. He turns you on and then the tap runs dry. What do I make of this because this is sure driving me up the wall!!!! I am scared to initiate sex precisely because I know how it will end up. He ends up not finishing and I know it isnt a pleasant thing for any man's self-esteem. Ditto for the woman.

    I look forward to responses from men from a man's perspective. Why does he do this?? Thanks.
  2. Panonymos

    Panonymos Humility is a virtue

    Are you sure he is off the porn?
    Does he masturbate a lot? Quitting masturbation completely might help.

    When you do have sex, is it loving and nice sex with connection or is he selfish in bed?
    Do you trust him generally?

    Most important question: Have you talked about this and is HE doing anything to improve? Does he really care? Or is he avoiding responsibility?

    His issue can be as simple as performance anxiety or it can be a much more complicated psychological issue. The latter is more probable in my amateur opinion because of the compulsive groping etc.

    Btw, not finishing does not have to be a problem. I refrain from orgasming quite often when having sex with my gf so I keep my energy levels high and so I can enjoy her more (and for her to enjoy me more).
  3. niftyfifty

    niftyfifty New Member

    Are you sure he is off the porn? He says he is. He is self-employed so he could be watching it at work.
    Does he masturbate a lot? Not that I know of.

    When you do have sex, is it loving and nice sex with connection or is he selfish in bed? Its good when it happens. problem is it doesnt happen much...

    Do you trust him generally? With respect to whcih aspect? I really dont think he is cheating, if you mean that.

    Most important question: Have you talked about this and is HE doing anything to improve? Yes, he throws it on me, saying if I want it I should start it. But every time i start, nothing much happens. Does he really care? I doubt that somehow....

    Or is he avoiding responsibility? My therapist says he is avoiding responsibility. He shows strong signs of being a Passive Aggressive personality. Like you, I am suspecting deep rooted psychological issues
  4. Panonymos

    Panonymos Humility is a virtue

    Obviously I don't know him. But from this little information it sounds like an adult child who likes to be taken care of and does not make his woman a priority in his life.
    Is he a mama's boy?

    You deserve a man.
    I don't think there is much hope with this guy. You can't change him and he is not bothered to better himself. Sorry.

    Please correct me if I 'm wrong. But if I am right, you are both responsible for your situation.
    He is responsible because he is neglecting your needs and is content staying in his comfort zone making his life a mediocre compromise because he does not have the balls to face his issues. Which admittedly is not easy.
    And you are responsible because you saw all the red flags and married him anyway. You married a man who could not satisfy you in bed and probably also in some other areas of life. But don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes.

    Sorry if I offended you. I am writing this with the best intentions.
  5. niftyfifty

    niftyfifty New Member

    Is he a mama's boy? Yes

    Most times I feel like I have a 5 year old brat sulking, pouting and throwing tantrums. Not a husband.

    Thanks for your replies, appreciate it, bless you. No, you havent offended me and yes, you are right. I share the blame and that is why I am in therapy. I needed to understand why I did what I did and how to break the cycle of codependency.
  6. SoReal85

    SoReal85 New Member

    I reply to this as someone who identifies with your husband. Sadly, I think I am him. While my wife and I are only a year and some change apart, our stories do not seem that different. I never suffered an infection, thankfully, but everything else sounds identical.

    I am the addicted one. Like your husband, I too grab my wife's butt, play with her in sexually arousing ways, and in turn, I leave her wet and then dry. Of course I cannot speak for him directly, but if I had to guess from knowing myself, more than likely he has not given up the porn completely. I say this because until recently, I have been the one lying about watching porn to my wife. Like you, she too has to deal with the probability of my failed attempts at sex, so she tries to be gentle on the subject.

    I answer this post because I never really thought about what a crappy move that is on our part; to be a sexually engaging while knowing full well we probably can't back that up. Perhaps its his misguided way of telling you he still thinks you're sexy and that you're his love, but underneath it, or even consciously, its a front. Of course, he very well could be done with porn and masturbating, but this could then mean that he may have a far worse issue going on that he may need help with from a professional. This is something you are going to have to have a serious discussion with him about either way.
  7. Did he try to please you at first as other means? Or you guys never attempt it because you are both sure that he will go limp and be completely turned off? If I would have a wife, I would at least try to satisfy her even if a had ED. I mean, if he turns you on but then completely let you go, this is not totally related about the PIED that he has. He could very well satisfy you as other means, by doing other things.

    Am I thinking wrong guys? Help me see it if I am.
  8. DayThreeLOL


    Unfortunately noone here can help you to any great degree. Only you can decide what is normal and acceptable behavior and it's pretty obvious you dont feel this as such. We are not privvy to the finer details of yalls lives so you would do well to talk to him and bring him to dual and solo therapy because sadly we cant do much more than suggest things off of limited information. We dont know your pasts or nuances of your relationships so please do everything in your power to work through this TOGETHER and with intense PROFESSIONAL help. Good luck to you i pray for the best this seems like an Fd up situation to put it lightly.
  9. Chudd

    Chudd Member

    I think this is key.

    OP, your husband clearly has the necessary libido, and if he loves you, he should do everything he can to make you happy and sexually satisfied. I know for myself, as a man still recovering from PIED, I really tend to overcompensate for my inability to penetrate by pleasuring my gf in other ways, because by God, if my dick don't work, my fingers and tongue damn well do. And to be honest, there's no pressure for the man to preform that way, so if your husband is anything like me, he'll have his fun while you get to enjoy your O. That way everyone wins until he is fully recovered. But first he's going to have to put your needs before his own, as hard as that might be for him.

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