Day 48 continued A few more scattered thoughts. I was watching an old Chris Rock skit on the web during a meal recently. He was talking about before he was successful, how he was working a normal job, and occasionally he would go into the bathroom stalls just to sit there and pass time while he was on the clock. To him, doing this a few times was evidence of how much he utterly hated his job. But here's the thing: I do that 3+ times a day, every day. FML One of my sexual hangups is stomachs: The look, the shape, the feel. I've never heard of someone else with this precise experience so I will try to explain. I've always been fairly slim. Everyone in my family is. We'd eat healthy, be fairly active, and having a big fat gut would never be an issue. We've all always found overweight/obese people to be unsightly. It was the one thing that my parents were open about mocking people for. Things changed in January 2014; I was abroad in Asia and had some mystery soup. The soup gave me severe food poisoning, and I have IBS now as a result of that. IBS symptoms vary between individuals; for me, the primary symptoms are pain and stomach distension (which in turn can cause lower back pain). Distended guts actually look worse on someone with low body fat: Do an image search for "roid gut" and "growth hormone gut" for examples. So basically, I associate the stomach with pain and a repulsive appearance, both on myself and others. Sometimes when I see a girl with a midriff-exposing top I feel a surge of disgust. I've been taking LDN (low-dose Naltrexone) for about 18 months now (IIRC), which has helped with symptoms immensely, but the negative associations remain in my mind. The road leading to my childhood neighborhood, which I would get on when I was about 10 minutes from arriving at the house, is a source of depression for me. Leaving the home, I'd be happy, but coming home would always mean a dark mood coming over me. I just associated that road with home enough that it caused me to feel bad. I've noticed that the highway leading to my current place is starting to take the same connotation. It is time to leave this place.