Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I haven't commented as much since I have more or less lost my way at the moment.

    It's great you are about 40 days clean of P. That's some amazing work right there man. You're definitely doing something that works and that's good right now.

    I wonder, can you at this point slowly start working on connecting more with others ? You talk of loneliness ? Maybe that is an issue to address gradually ? By staying off the P you are putting yourself in a better position to start tackling this element I think. You wrote, a few days ago, about reconnecting on the phone with an old buddy of yours. Stuff like that is good. Maybe you can keep foraging on such directions ?

    Keep it up man, you're doing good !

    Also, I don't always reply on my own journal, cause I'm a bit overrun with issues right now, but I always appreciate your honest feedback in there.
     
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  2. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    I'm following your journal as well and I'm proud that you made it to 40 clean days. That's huge. The reboot is not always exciting but as long as you're staying clean, the healing process will happen so keep on grinding. I appreciate your posts especially in Thelongwayhome27's journal. I also can relate to the fact that sometimes replies seem scarce. It is what it is. Maybe it's a sign that you need to be more active social-wise?

    Take care!
     
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  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I feel like I have a big fight ahead of me. Most things are pretty calm right now (calmer than they should be) but it's not all over. Temptation is coming. I need to fortify my mind more than I have already.

    40 days feels good though. This is my second-longest streak ever, and still going strong.

    I'm not sure. There was a point where I was doing a few things to try and start a social life (meetup.com, local events, etc.) but none of that worked out. The suburb I'm living in is pretty isolating as well, and I've been trying to find a new place. I don't know if it is really a treatable issue though. I feel loneliest when I'm with "friends." I am an eccentric and can't seriously relate to anyone on a deep level.
     
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  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Yeah, things are going well. Thanks.
     
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 40

    This streak is almost certainly my second-longest at this point.

    1.96%
    11.18%
    11.37%
    22.55%
    25.49%
    28.24%
    29.41%
    30.78%
    45.59%
    47.45%
    50.98%
    53.33%
    63.14%
    64.12%
    70.78%
    82.35%
    83.53%
    85.88%
    91.57%
    91.96%
    92.55%
    93.14%
    97.06%
    98.24%
    99.61%

    "Long boring day." The above numbers are an example of what I write on a scrap of paper over the course of the day and stuff into my pocket before I leave: Obsessively, repeatedly calculating the percentage of the standard workday I've completed already, whenever I have downtime (which is apparently often).

    Overall mood, other than the boredom, was not too bad. I got what felt like nightmare headache round 2 starting around midday but didn't get too severe and went away before too long. Gym session kind of sucked (too tired?). After gym, I came home and zoned out for about 3.5 hours. I really have trouble stopping myself from zoning out after I get home on Friday evening (and before dinner). It's one of the major weekly time sinks I'm going to have to address.

    I mentioned this a few comments above but I think the ease of rebooting that I've been experiencing for most of this streak will not be permanent. A storm is coming. I need to prepare mentally, not become complacent.

    Got another 20-day review to do this weekend. Three day weekend ahead. Hope it's productive (but I always say that).

    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I feel like this as well. It may be, though, also partly be because we spend a lot of time on our own. Maybe we don't need to have a whole lot of friends, just a few we feel we can be ourselves with. Maybe all we need is a (good) girlfriend (better no GF then the wrong one). Also, the more time we try to be social (while remaining ourselves as much as we can) the more we feel comfortable and not so "eccentric" and "different". Ideally, finding the right balance, that works for us, of alone time and social time.
     
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 41

    Got up, ate, sped to the bank to get there before it closed. I had a minor Federal Income Tax overpayment check that it's pretty important for me to cash since I'm poor. Ate at Chipotle, visited the music store and didn't get anything, came home. At home, I started cleaning my room. (My room is usually in a state of controlled chaos, so it is unusual that I actually lose things, but that has become an issue lately.) After a few hours, I finally started doing some research on home music recording, and putting together a list of equipment I'd need to accomplish this task. This might sound small, but it's something that has been on my list of things to do for a long time, so my weekend already has some sense of forward momentum.

    Something on r/NoFap to consider:
    https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/bhk7sy/

    I do find posts like the one in that link motivational, to a certain extent. There were many times in the past when I would feel unmotivated/frustrated about NoFap and look up a bunch of r/NoFap posts to provide a (very temporary) motivational boost. But this particular theme-people who've already experienced loss that I haven't, expressing regret about the things they didn't do earlier in their life-makes me really nervous. Frantic, almost. I'm already trying to put my life together into something worthwhile with (so far) very lackluster results. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I tried a lot of things and fucked them all up. I know I'm a fuckup, leave me alone. So it goes.

    Noticed late today that I was scrolling through imageboards. I didn't see anything that triggered me but the behavior itself is too similar to how I acted while I was PMO'ing on a regular basis. NOTE TO SELF: AVOID ANY ONLINE BEHAVIOR FOCUSED ON IMAGES.

    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 3/10

    Plans for tomorrow: Visit library, finish cleaning out browser on phone, write a review of days 21-40, do something fun out of the house (hopefully), do some creative work.
     
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 42

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    Woke up, ate, tried going to the library to pick up an item I need (closed), grocery store, Subway (sandwich shop), then decided to go to the local laser tag arena, just to do something fun and out of the ordinary. Also closed. Did clear out my iPhone browser tabs from reading material/distractions, did not get to do any creative work. Overall I'd say today was a clear failure. I did a few of the things I meant to but between the two closed stops and the lack of anything productive on the creative front during the evening, today sucked.

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    Moreso than that was just this pervasive, unsettling feeling I experienced that is hard to explain. It's like a mix of loneliness, unease, cabin fever and boredom, with a noticeable dose of withdrawal. It's like there's a desire there that cannot be serviced by any realistic event that could happen. It's like there's a part of me that wants to act like a friend, a friendly colleague, a boyfriend or lover, these sorts of things, but at the same time there's a violent, chaotic part of me that just wants anything unusual to happen, even if it's the end of the world, and could ruin any social interaction by reacting with violent outrage (or even weeping) at the social opportunities I've missed out on in my adolescence and young adult life. I have feelings in me that I'm pretty sure no normalfags would understand. It's a hard feeling to describe, with lots of unease. If it's still there in the next few days I might get a chance to

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    The TICK TOCKs are a new addition to my journal that I put there to try and highlight something that I believe I have mentioned a few times but have not elaborated on enough relative to how much it consumes my thoughts and emotions: The thought that my finite life is ticking away. Every day, even every hour on some days, I just cannot stop thinking about the dead ends I have arrived at. Every shitty evening, every long workday, every weekend that is less productive than I want it to be is added to the epic list of shit that I have waded through getting nowhere, failed opportunities, dreams deferred, waste waste waste waste waste

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    I've been extremely hyper for the past two or three days and I haven't been able to sleep well as a result. On Friday, I had the 5ish miles of walking I did over the course of the workday+a heavy gym session to wear me out. If that is not enough, I really don't know what I could reasonably do over the course of a workday that will get me to sleep.

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
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  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 43

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    Woke up in the late morning. Had the day off (Memorial's Day). Ate, went to the gym, and hit a few deadlifts before they closed early. Felt really good. Came home, did some of nothing for a few hours, then finished three menial tasks: Washed/put away wrist brace from my sprained wrist in January, started the first 10 days of saving the entries in this thread (in case it disappears like the old one), and visited storage to pack away my cold weather clothing and retrieve my warm weather clothing. The latter in particular is long overdue, and these three things were each longstanding parts of my "weekend plans" list that repeated spilled into the following weeks. It seems like for every 3-5 of these I do, I could do maybe 1 thing that's actually related to moving forward in life ("self-actualization," even though I don't like that term). Part of being an adult is realizing that for each moment you spend on top of a mountain gazing across the horizon, there are multiple moments of wading through swamps of shit. Taxes are shit, work is shit, traffic is shit, grocery stores are shit. NoFap is realizing how much hand soap is available.

    I've noticed a few signs that I really look different over the past few weeks due to the past year's interest in fitness. I weight ~20 pounds more, despite (probably) lower body fat. My pants and underwear are a little tighter, for one. Also, when I get out of bed in the morning and look in the mirror, I can definitely see some bulk in the shoulders and neck. Forearms are still fairly small, but definitely look a lot better as well. If I had a better sleep and training regimen, I would have made more progress, but my genetics for insertions/shape are pretty good, I think. Nice to see progress.

    Sex drive was very low early in the day, but picked up late afternoon. All the sudden I had really specific sexualized images coming to my head, about a specific type: Tall, sort of athletic/built but still hourglass-shaped and busty. More like a swimsuit model than a fashion model. My state of mind is weird right now, and it's somewhat similar to yesterday: I feel like a wild animal that could attack someone. I feel like there's so much pent up energy that I am not safe to be around. Lonely but toxic. It's a kind of uncomfortable, insatiable desire. I don't even want to look at porn right now. I think if I saw porn I'd be indifferent to it. Something I failed to mention in my first week or two, especially day 7, was that I was really considering scouring the internet for local escorts to relieve me. I don't even want to do that right now. I just feel a little dead, a little horny. Maybe I'm in a flatline of some type.

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    Mood: 5/1o
    Libido: 4/10
     
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Lol. Nicely put.
     
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  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 43 continued

    Came across a few NSFW images of the type I used to really like on Discord. (Going forward, I should make an effort to be careful about what channels I visit.) My heart rate went up a bit and it was uncomfortable, but there was none of that habit chain that always lead to relapse. I just continued on my day afterwards. I have more trust in myself than I did a few months ago; but I need to stop thinking of myself as invincible. I need to take more precautions online. Period. Stop being wreckless and stupid. Spending less time online overall would be a very good idea. I need new habits.

    I want to provide a little bit of clarity on the emotions I mentioned in the previous post. For years and years now, I have known that my life was on the wrong track, that I am not meeting my goals, that I am not satisfied, that I am not forming healthy relationships, that years of my finite life are going by with very close to nothing to show for them. But the PMO addiction created a dissociation between my mind and my heart. I didn't emotionally connect with all these issues. (That's probably part of the reason I had so much trouble breaking out of my dysfunctional lifestyle.) From a yearslong haze of boredom, ennui, and routine, I'm starting to experience the most visceral nature of loneliness, of sexual cravings, of frustration with life. I have not coped with these emotions in their purest forms in a long, long time.

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
     
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  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 44

    Woke up in the middle of the night to intense and vivid (but short-lasting) fantasy. It was the fetishistic type similar to what I experienced during my first week, not like the kind of sexual images that have been in my mind over the past few weeks. I'm not sure if being coming across triggering images yesterday contributed to this; it's a possibility. I wonder if I have set myself back on this journey without even PMO-ing. I fell back asleep and got around 5 hours of sleep. Over the course of the day, there was continual, low-level

    "Long boring day." Had a dull headache all day long, and I'm not sure why; could be sleep deprivation (unlikely), caffeine withdrawal (moderately likely, I had a smallish amount today), allergies, PMO withdrawal (who knows), or something else. For the past few years I've had a kind of almost nonstop back-and-forth flow of becoming more and less addicted to caffeine. Time to wean off it (again!). My workout session was short but intense. I seemed to have reserves of strength that were surprising.

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 5/10
     
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  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    All this tick tocking is reminding me of that crocodile in Peter Pan :D

    Good work man ! I'm glad you're soldiering every day forward. I'm almost back at double digits which is cool.
     
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  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 44 continued

    Just a few minutes after I posted my daily update, I got hit hard with cravings and urges to visit a few pornographic sites I used to frequent 44 days ago. These feelings/thoughts were so strong that my hands started trembling, and my scumbag brain went into overdrive trying to make excuses for why it wouldn't be a bad idea to just go there. I had to pace around a bit, brush my teeth, talk myself down to convince myself to just put the computer down and continue getting ready for bed. @Thelongwayhome27 you might have saved me a second time seeing your comment there. I don't want to let people down. I don't want to let myself down either. This was probably the closest I came to actual relapse, even if it was brief. I forgot that this whole challenge is hard. That I can be a weak person and I shouldn't ever get complacent.

    Don't know what to do over the next few days. There will likely be more cravings and distractions. I need to think of some new habits or things to do to take me out of my routine. Even though I'm more productive, a lot of the stuff I'm doing now is still pretty similar to the habits I had when I was PMO-ing every week.

    Nervous. I'm so nervous. I hope I don't blow all of this.

    Tomorrow is day 45. That's half way to the legendary 90 days. I've wanted for so long to reach that point. I'm sure I need a lot longer than 90 days to heal, and I'm ready to be more patient. But I can't express how much of a joy it will be to finally hit that 9-0.
     
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  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Good work on resisting the strong sudden urge you had last evening. This is hard work so well done on your part. It shows you are committed to this goal. I know that feeling of adrenaline when we get urges long in a streak. I've read quite a few people on here talk about it. In my case, it even made me nauseous sometimes, because of how much excitement the thought of acting out would bring me, chemically speaking.

    I think what we are trying to do here is hard work on day 1, day 20, 44, etc. And probably, as you mention, we can expect this to be hard a while longer. The more days we add, the better the buffer not to act on the urges though.

    I can't really offer you more specific advice since this is what gets me on a streak, the constant urges that happen. I think, though, the solution is about reconnecting with why we are doing this. The urges will keep coming but when we are committed (whatever day we are on) we have the will to let go of the urge, knowing it's not the direction we wanna go on. Like you did last night.

    May I suggest that urges can also mean that we need to address something. When we reconnect with our "values", with "who we wanna be", with "our vision", urges actually subside.

    Summer is here. Summer is a great time to keep going on a good streak. Picture yourself towards the second part of the summer with further progress in your recovery.

    Good luck onward !

    PS - A journal that has helped me on here, in the 25-30 section is Freedom From Servitude's journal. He managed long term abstinence after relapsing a lot at first. He has a lot of interesting advice in there I find.
     
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  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 45

    "Long boring day." Many low-level sexual thoughts, mostly mild, not much bothersome. Brain fog, kept making typos in email. Procrastination during evening. Hard to eat as much as I needed to, got bloated. Bored with life.

    Half way to 90. So fast yet so slow. If this is where I am so early in this journey, I am hopeful for where it could eventually take me.

    TICK TOCK

    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 5/10
     
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    That's one of the reasons I wanted to do 20-day reviews on my posts (as well as part of the reason for daily journal entries in general). Important not to forget where you came from.

    Thanks for the tip. I will check it out.
     
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  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 46

    "Long, boring day." Less brain fog. Sexual fixations were pretty frequent and mixed (some fetishistic). Energy levels low. Talked to mom on the way home, and ended up shouting at her; she kept demanding minuscule detail about my life that can't be of any use to her, like demanding my precise plans for a vacation 3 months away. I felt a little bad about it but she has really become too needy to talk normally.

    I don't have much to say about the past two days. Low brain activity. It is clear that coming across those triggers a few days ago have sort of "reignited" certain thoughts in my head that were mostly isolated to the first few weeks of the reboot. I have set myself back.

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 5/10
     
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 47

    "Long boring day." It's pretty clear to me that seeing those triggering images a few days ago set me back a fair deal: All the sudden, sexual thoughts are similar to what they were like in the beginning, my motivation has gone down, I'm procrastinating more, I'm speaking less well, more brain fog, less hope about the future, and less general insight. None of these things are as bad as they were in the very beginning but they all just got a lot worse immediately following those triggers. Maybe I'm in some kind of flatline now. I have sexual thoughts in my head but not really in my body. I don't really care about that as much right now, I just want to have my mental coherence back. A few days ago, my thoughts were rich with meaning and expanding depth. Now I feel like a drug zombie.

    After work and gym, I got home and sunk into my Friday evening vice: Sitting/laying around doing nothing, and going to bed late for no apparent reason. It's almost 3AM. I've probably fucked my sleep up substantially at this point, detracting from the quality of the next week. I even zoned out a bit at the gym, which has never happened before.

    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 48

    A little early in the day to be writing this, but oh well. I only have some rambly bullshit to say but there are a few things I should have in this log at some point.

    Woke up in the late morning, to some sexual fantasy, and starting eating lunch/brunch. My other roommate just came back from a long trip last night so he was around. I really hate being around either of those two; they're not bad people, but I have nothing in common with them, and their presence always feels like an imposition. I hate the stupid small talk we have, in either repetitive broken English, for one of them, or of the most obnoxiously trivial and shallow conversation, with the one that just came back from his trip ("So, uh, how are you doing, at, uh, your job, how's that job going? Still working at the same place?"). So whenever they're around, a significant effort and time is invested in avoiding them to be alone in whatever kitchen/common spaces we have. For peace of mind, or something.

    Anyway, after eating, I wasted some hours zoning out in my room in front of the computer. I honestly can't even remember what I was doing. Then I left to eat at Chipotle around 17:00-17:30, wasted an hour surfing the web on my phone there. I had a caffeinated soda, and that seemed to give me a big burst of energy. Then I went to the used bookstore. I know I shouldn't but I am bored to death with about every aspect of life so fuck it. I am fairly agnostic on supernatural/paranormal stuff but there is something eerie about that place; every time I go there, I get weird negative feelings for the rest of the day. Tried going to the mall down the street, but quickly left after feeling a lot of social anxiety. I really don't get social anxiety much anymore, but being around salespeople gives me that feeling; it's similar to the feeling of being solicited by a grimy prostitute. I always have the feeling that money-related issues (shopping, finances, employment, etc.) have a trace of dirtiness on them, that they drag everything in life down to the lowest level.

    TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

    Plans for the rest of the night: Do some creative work, finish writing the instrumentals for DEMO SONG 2, if I can, then maybe watch a movie if there's time left. Still feeling the effects of those triggers from a few days ago. I want my brain to be the way it was a week ago.

    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
     

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