Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 30

    Today's been a long day so I'll try to keep this brief. Woke up very tired after a sleep of less than 5 hours (even for me, this is quite bad). Had one of those "weekday dysmorphia" days like I described in day 10 (it felt like Wednesday rather than Tuesday). Uneventful day at work for the most part; one of the management people went out of his way to tell me how one of my suggestions was taken up as a company policy but I really didn't care. I didn't a penny more for my efforts, so why should I? I felt a shred of guilt at being so cold towards the earnest-seeming person who told me, but I acted polite so I don't think anyone noticed.

    Sexual imagery that popped up in my head today was pervasive, but it was inoffensive in content (probably close to my "true sexuality"). I don't know if there is something more I could do to avoid it. If anyone reading this has a suggestion I'd be open to consider it. That lasted until the afternoon, when I started to feel the advance of nightmare headache round #2. Luckily it sort of dissipated, started to progress again, then dissipated a second and final time.

    I think one of the least discussed aspects of my recovery is the role of minor distractions/dopamine sources. If I never PMO again, I will still have to deal with a considerable internet addiction (which is probably older and possibly more deeply-ingrained than my PMO habits). Throughout this past 30 days, my habit of surfing the web on my phone has happened less and less. Part of this has been conscious, part of it has been ennui, and part of it has just been the result of minor changes in my schedule. Something I repeated to myself last night is that I need to stop escaping reality and start living in reality. I have too many things I want to do to waste nearly as much time as I do. This is probably something I should discuss in more depth in coming posts.

    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 5.25/10
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Personally I'm of the opinion that recovery doesn't mean to push away all sexual thoughts. It's about re-framing our sexuality in a healthier way, especially perhaps our sexual behavior. So as long as these things don't make you slip towards using P again, and are normal sexual thoughts then I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Keep in mind though this is my opinion and I've had problems with relapses and out of control fantasizing. But still though, I'm just not one for "sexual anorexia", even now... I think fighting this problem is about eliminating unhealthy sexuality and not all of it, so if we compare this to a bulimic it's about not eating unhealthy junk food in excess rather then not eating anymore or not exploring our healthy personal tastes.

    I tell myself this too but I think as humans it's normal to need a little escape here and there. As long as it's healthy maybe there is no problem with that ?
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    The difference is between the contents of your mind and what you're acting doing with your body during the day
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 31

    Shit day. I woke up from 5.5 hours of sleep instead of yesterday's 4.5 hours. "Long boring day." The moment I walked inside the building I work in, I just stopped and looked down the hallway. I have 8 hours of this bullshit to do. I haven't completed any of it yet, and there's 8 hours, perhaps a little more, ahead of me. That set the basic tone for most of the day. As much as it's a cliche in this thread it truly seemed like the longest day at work yet, and for much of the day each single minute was a form of drawn-out brutality.

    Sexual thoughts were not present in significant portions for most of the morning, and then entered furiously towards the afternoon. The heavily fetish-oriented types of images/thoughts had come back, after seeming to be mostly gone since the first week or so of the streak. I just wanted those thoughts to be gone, and I tried to be as alone as I could while still in the crowded workplace.

    For overall well-being, this was possibly the worst day in the past month. Woke up exhausted, thighs are too sore to move comfortably (poor recovery from sleep deprivation), and a long, dull headache showed up a little before lunchtime. (I was worried it would become another severe headache a la Day 24, but it never reached a such a severe state.) I was bloated and stiff throughout the entire day, which choked out my voice. I felt like my singing lesson tonight was a complete waste of money, given that my voice kept cracking at notes which I hit comfortably almost every day.

    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 5.5/10 (balanced before/after noon periods)
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think on my last good run I had some serious troubles around day 31 and +. Maybe it's also because we just hit a good milestone (one month) and at day 31 we wake up with "having to keep going". Perhaps better days are to come.

    It sounds like you are not too fulfilled with your current work position (at least not today :confused:). I know that feeling. Is there any possibility for a (well thought out and well planned) change here ?
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 32

    "Long boring day," but the amount of people distracted/absent from work made everything a bit quieter and more relaxing, so I enjoyed myself more than most days at work. I've tried taking a lunch break a half hour later than usual for the past few days as a way of avoiding running into friendly people, but that just seems to make things feel even longer. Spent a little more time at work surfing the web on my phone than I have over the last few days. I hope I am not regressing into the old distraction habits; I've felt that I am slowly making a bit of progress in being present.

    I got a vacation time approved for the first full week of August. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I wonder how it'll go with regards to recovery; will I be tempted? Will I be able to keep up my good habits through a break in routine? Will I return here during that week?

    I got an email back about a 1 bedroom apartment in the area. Frankly, it is within my price range but sounds rather overpriced for what it supposedly offers. I'm still tempted by the idea of living on my own and changing the routine enough to consider it.

    I'm typing this right before bed and I really can't remember much of what I intended to say about the day. Overall most of what I felt were tedious, not difficult, emotions. Sexual ideas were present at various points in fairly mild forms.

    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 3/10
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I'm really focused on getting to that 90 days. Even though I know I'll need more to fully recover, the old "90 Day Challenge" meme is ingrained in my brain. It's a good place to start.

    I'm terrible at getting new jobs. Not a single job application I've ever filed has led to anything positive or successful. It's all complete pissing into the wind.
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah I agree that 90 days is a nice badge "to unlock" and I am also chasing it. For a long time I tried getting the 30 days and was often falling short. Making it over (twice) has given me confidence. On the flip side though I am of the opinion that the change I am looking for in my life is beyond a number of days without P. I see this number of days without P as having to be a byproduct that happens naturally as I make changes in my life. Rather then the other way around.

    I don't enjoy the process either. But if I give myself time, take it step by step, keep trying, I land something in the end. Well you have a job now so you must have gotten it somehow. I think you could get something else. You are analytical and write well from what I see on here.
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I wonder how much could be improved just by not having PMO as an obsessive fixation/mental habit.

    It's not about enjoying the process or not. For the hundreds of serious, quality jobs I have applied to, precisely 0.00% of them moved forward at all (an email reply of interest, a job interview, a position...). I got my current job through a staffing agency, which is the case for numerous just-above-marginal work positions. The fact that I have been recognized as being exceptionally capable by most of my supervisors has never put me in proximity to any position, promotion, or opportunity that could result in decent compensation or non-miserable work. I am just being serious here. I doubt that anyone reading this has any "special trick" that will turn all of my fortunes around on this front.
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 33

    "Long boring day," of the most exaggerated manner possible. I had to resort to my old trick of calculating the percentage of the day that I had completed and writing it down as an entry on a paper list. I've gotten to the point that every day feels like being a grade-school student again, counting down the minutes until school is out.

    Today, while preparing something in the kitchen, I noticed exactly how much my roommate irritates me. My longer-term roommate is away on family business, but the shorter-term roommate, a Syrian refugee with only rudimentary English speaking skills. He's not a bad guy but I really don't enjoy

    After work and the gym I just basically wasted my time until late at night. It's hard to put into words exactly how it feels to find one's self in the middle of one of these absentminded sessions. I plan on visiting the city tomorrow and walking around. I don't know my precise destination. I just need to get out.

    Libido is low, but boredom is high. That could be more of a dangerous combination that we initially give it credit for. Must stay vigilant.

    Mood: 2/10

    Libido: 2/10
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    A lame but very true thing is 'knowing what you want' and 'don't give up'. But what is really helpful is the realization that it is only partly about your actual CV and skills and for 90% of how you represent yourself. I have met so many people that are louzy in what they do, but just have a way of presenting themselves that get them higher up the ladder. Try to find a 'succesful' person and ask him or her to help you write a CV and cover letter. Ask them to prepare for an interview. That really helps! Also spending volunteer time to get working experience in the field you want (like an internship) looks good on your CV and gives you the starting network you need.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    The format of both my CV and my cover letter were written alongside a professional in this area. I don't see any use in preparing for an interview when I am never given an interview to prepare for. I appreciate you taking the time to type a response, though.
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 34

    Woke up in the late morning lonely and angry today. Decided to go into the city and spend some time walking around to distract myself. After a meal, I waited for a while (train schedule had changed so I had to wait a few hours; it was already the afternoon). I decided to smash up some of my possessions to make myself feel better. One of the things I smashed up was my old iPod, which I've been using for at least 7 years. I have a lot of memories of that thing, which has lasted through a remarkable amount of use, although it was slowly functionally declining. RIP trusty iPod. I will keep its carcass.

    Something that really stuck with the was this gorgeous girl I stood near at the train station. She was prettier than any girl I've dated or slept with, the latter of which are in turn all above average looking. Usually looking at beautiful things makes me feel optimistic, but this just made me feel so sad and dissatisfied with my life. My social skills at this point in my life are pretty solid; I am not awkward, weird, or terrible with women anymore, like I was when I was a young teenager. But I will never forget the feeling of being all of those things. I occasionally get reminders. It is a feeling I wish I could forget.

    Train arrival was delayed about an hour, and once it reached the station, it was further delayed before pulling in to let the passengers off. So after these three ordeals it was already close to dinner time. I got a meal and walked around for a few hours but the self-distraction worked less efficiently than it did last time.

    When I arrived, I stopped by a 7-11 and picked up a Red Bull. Within just a few minutes, I felt good and optimistic. Looking back on things, I usually have some kind of caffeine on Saturdays, and I usually get it a little earlier in the day. It probably is masking a lot of the depression that is most present when I have long periods to myself (read: weekends and holidays).

    Many of my sexual thoughts were often of a fetishistic variety but they were sparse and scattered, like many of my thoughts and emotions throughout the day. Scattered, negative thoughts.

    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2.75/10
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I relate to this so much.
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 35

    Woke up to an alarm today, and ran out to have a viewing of an apartment. I think it went fine. It is only a few blocks up the road from me, but it is a 1-bedroom, so I'll have more peace of mind. At least I think that is how it would go. It was a cozy, basement location. I'll hear about whether my application was accepted tomorrow. After that, I drove up to [township redacted] to view another place. It turned out that the Craigslist ad was a little misleading, and it was a shared home with an old widowed Chinese lady. Her house was immaculately clean, in a way that only an old person's home could be. Something that bothered me, which I've seen in many other places, was the aesthetics of the place: Everything in it was either white (not a pure white, but a washed-out looking off-white), or some dull beige-brown or gray. If these were pure white colors, or deep browns, like you'd see in a rustic setting, that'd be fine. But everything was just so washed-out and weak looking. Effortless. Passionless. Undedicated. Low-T. It's the look of death, a living death, that is expanding as this ugly Grim Reaper IKEA aesthetic reaches lower and lower age brackets. It seems like it's already the default look for furniture and modern inerior design. Maybe we're all dead and this is hell. Maybe the hellfire was restrained as some kind of cruel joke. Maybe I'm exaggerating. At any rate, I don't like it.

    After that, I went to McDonald's. (I usually end up eating fast food on Sundays.) While I was there, I saw a girl who looked a little like the first woman I ever slept with (PIV), but not pretty. That sent my heart racing, and I looked back at her one too many times in the brief period while we were in the same building, which made her a bit uncomfortable (I think). It was interesting that despite not being particularly pretty she could trigger that reaction in me just from memories. I think that's part of the reason you're seeing more and more fat girls in sexualized positions (modeling, fashion, stuff like that)- more people have had sexual interactions with fat people, so that's what they associate with sex. I'd bet money on that conclusion.

    I've noticed more and more, especially yesterday and today, feeling my sexuality more in my body and less in my head. I noticed yesterday that when I saw a woman in a low-cut top, I'd sort of have a mental-tactile memory of breasts being pushed up against me. Today I wanted to thrust my hips in the shower.

    After I submitted my application it just became another boring stupid Sunday.

    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Felt like yesterday that I did the 20-day review. Now I'm almost at my second entry in that genre.

    Day 36

    Woke up on less than 3 hours of sleep, which is quite bad even by my Sunday night/Monday morning standards. It was rough getting to work, but the bright light always gets me fairly alert (plus some caffeine). LDN is a big factor in being highly functional at a tired state as well, I think. I've been ravenously hungry throughout the day.

    "Long boring day." Work was pretty normal, much busier than last week, which can make things go faster, but I'd still prefer quieter, slower days. Only one person was in the office today, and it was a guy I like, so I hope I didn't sound rude when he tried to make friendly conversation with me, and I just had tired, spaced-out responses. I spent a lot of time surfing the web on my phone compared to the last week or two. I hope that's not a habit that is on the increase again after decreasing. It's not healthy how much time I spend on distractions.

    Sex drive is back up. I noticed it as I was going to bed last night. The more intense, fetishistic types of fantasies that I had a lot of in my first week or so are back, but focused on a slightly different image/scenario/idea. Unlike those first week(s), though, these thoughts are less distracting/anxiety-inducing. Part of me wants to keep these thoughts, to revisit them and explore them in my imagination. The rational part of me knows that recovery will mean letting these thoughts fade, so it is alarming that I have a part of me that wants them there.

    Talked to my old buddy S on the phone for the first time in ages. Neither of us could remember when the last time we talked was; it was at least 6 months, possibly a year. Nice touching base again, even if both of us were in a kind of lower state of mood. Apparently we both think about how old we are getting a lot.

    It's about 9:30PM now, and I haven't heard back from that guy who said he would be making a decision on the room I visited Sunday today. So I guess it's gone. Bummer. Looked at Craigslist again, don't see any other viable options. I feel like I want to move forward in my life but my life doesn't want to move forward with me.

    I know there is something else I meant to discuss here, but forgot.

    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 6/10
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 36 continued

    I need some new ways of dealing with boredom-horniness. Maybe using the trigger journal again, like I've mentioned before, will help.
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 37

    "Long boring day." I'm not sure how much point there is listing the boring details, like I usually do.

    There is nothing I could reasonably expect to happen over the weekend that could justify the 41 hours I spend at the average week at work.

    Those words, with slight variations, are one of the mantras that have been ringing in my ears more and more often over the past few years. Sometimes it feels like they're reaching a fever pitch. They speak for themselves. My current lifestyle is an abnormally, uncomfortably extended transitional period. I cannot stand it, and it will not become permanent under any circumstances. I will escape the 9-5 or die trying. But why has it taken so long to move on? Why am I so incredibly attached to my habits and methods of procrastinating moving forward? I've thought about it every day for a long time, I've read so many things and searched for more, for some reason I just cannot answer this question and use that answer to propel myself forward. And I'm getting old.

    Sex drive was high today. I had intense sexual images/ideas on my head throughout most of the day. They were mainly of a fetishistic variety, similar to yesterday. They were not anxiety-inducing most of the time but they were distracting. I had the most intense and realistic sexual fantasy today: I saw an attractive (not stunning) woman, who was conservatively dressed with glasses. Looked kind of like a teacher. I had the idea of having animalistic, aggressive sex with her before eating a warm meal and talking about something wholesome. I guess my sense of romance is back. That was the most vivid fantasy I've had (felt it in my body a considerable amount), but it was very short-lasting.

    Overall distractability continued to be high today.

    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 6.5/10
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 38

    "Long boring day." No interesting details from the work day.

    I've reached the point where things are getting a little stale on this reboot. Not that I want to go back to the way things were; I still have plenty of recovery left. In fact, I'm sure I have most of my recovery ahead of me. It's just that despite the benefits I'm seeing the feeling I'm returning to is the feeling of being in a rut. I'm not pushing myself as much as I could through this recovery. I need to think of something new. Perhaps I'm entering a flatline.

    Sex drive was lower than the past few days. I woke up with numbness in my right hand, which returned recently. I don't know if it's some exercise, sleep position, or typing at work, but it is alarming. I'm trying some stretches.

    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2/10
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 39

    Thirty-nine days sounds like such a long time! It doesn't feel like long ago that I started these journal entries, but I have had some shift in perspectives. When I started, 2019 still seemed like a fairly new year. I looked at/considered my New Year's Resolutions regularly. 2019 feels [is] like a mid-year matter, now.

    "Long boring day." From the amount of work that had to be done, today was the quietest day I've had at my current position, by a significant margin. I was experiencing numbness in two places: Right hand/arm, and right glute/thigh. I'm pretty sure the former is from doing some sloppy neck extensions while leaning over with a neck harness (putting the pressure on the nerves in my spine), and the latter is from the piriformis muscle pulling on my lower vertebrae during a weighted situps exercise I tried. The piriformis/posture thing is the reason I started going to the gym. I usually forget how far my posture has come.

    I've kind of come to the conclusion that there is a sadness to these updates I post. Nearly all of the others I read mention other people so much more. Other humans barely seem to even exist in this journal. It's a lonely life. (I wonder if that is why others seem to be losing interest in commenting on this thread.)

    Felt that "spark" in my lower abdomen again today (see day 19). It occurred during the afternoon, just as I was getting out of work. This is only the second time it has been present in such a distinct manner. It was quite short-lasting this time.

    Sex drive is pretty low. Some images from the porn I've watched in the past have kept showing up in my mind, but haven't been too intrusive. I need to be careful not to spend my time looking at images of any type. I have been dangerously bored and have really craved distraction, which could be a fairly dangerous combination.

    It is 22:39 now, and I should have been in bed a while ago. The biggest loss of time productivity in my day currently is in dinner. I need to stuff myself faster in order to speed the routine up on weekdays.

    Mood: 2.5/1o
    Libido: 2.75/10

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