Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20200613)

    Woke up the usual time, ate a bit, texted the parents to see if they were ready to meet up. They said they were, and then delayed it repeatedly until an hour and a half or so before they arrived. I was a little frustrated to keep waiting, but I should have expected this, given their history. I was nervous about them coming in my home and snooping through all of my stuff, finding something they didn’t approve of, or just found strange. I had moved everything somewhere out of the way, like a closet or under the bed, but they can be snoopier than expected, sometimes. (It turned out fine.) We went to eat at the place next door, which was opening up for the first day after the lockdown. It was pretty tasty, but it wasn’t a huge amount of food. We returned to my apartment to talk for a while, and then went out for a drive around the city, eventually turning in around 19:00 or so.

    It took me a long time to cool down from the day
    , psychologically. The whole day was pretty depressing, moreso than is normal for time with the parents. Visiting with them is becoming like what it used to be like to visit my grandparents. Their hearing, their energy levels, the boring rituals they talk about going through…they’re old now. I guess this is a delayed state of being for them because they are generally much healthier than the average middle-aged people (dad, at least).

    Doing something out of my normal schedule really grounded me today, like it often does. Today, I was obsessed with achieving my dreams and leaving this mundane 9-5 existence behind. Obsessed. What was scary was how much that state of mind deteriorated when they left, and I decided to take what I thought would be a short period of time to relax and try to decompress. I couldn’t find anything that satisfied, so here I am at 3:33, after many hours of procrastination. This is really a microcosm of what happens when I lose track of my bigger goals. Lots to examine here.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20200614)

    Woke up in the late morning, picked up groceries and McDonalds before meeting up with the parents. We drove around, as well as sat around the apartment and talked. Mom insisted on cleaning my sink with Comet (to her credit, it does look better now than ever before) and dad insisted on unclogging my sink, which I was planning on doing this weekend anyway. Mom was upset because she didn’t get to take me to a “steakhouse” like she wanted—she is very insistent on doing things in a very specific way. They left around 19:00, and I surfed the web and watched a movie to try and decompress. Today wasn’t as depressing as yesterday, but, on the other hand, I also did not get that feeling of mental clarity and focus on my goals that I got yesterday.

    My weekly goals for this week are going to be a little more ambitious than usual, but I think I’m ready.

    Weekly goals:
    1) No browsing the web (including any social networking) on mobile phone at work. Use the time for meditation, reflection, and creativity.
    2) If time permits, upload & save handwritten YBR posts and try to visit YBR each night.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 (20200615)

    Woke up tired, usual Monday. Felt like shit all day. “Long boring day.” Did do any work, outside the preparation for the weekly meeting (weekly meetings have started up again for the first time since March) and leading that meeting. Towards the end of the day, I actually fell asleep for a few minutes (probably 15-30). That might be a first at this job. I had something over my head, so I’m pretty sure no one noticed, despite not being alone in the office. It was a struggle to get through the day without surfing the web on my phone, but I did it.

    Went home and went straight to bed. Set my alarm for 3 hours, and then fell asleep again after that, waking up around 22:00. Dinner period was around 4 hours (!), which included cooking all of the pork left in my refrigerator before it went bad in the next two days. That will take care of some of the cooking for the rest of the week. I put BBQ Rub seasoning on the raw meat before cooking it on a pan with olive oil, which is pretty good (much better than most of the stuff I eat).

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) not today
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 11 (20200616)

    After going back to bed last night after eating, I kept falling asleep in short periods and waking back up, feeling better and better. Woke up feeling more refreshed than I can remember before on a weekday, even better than this time last week. This carried into the late morning, when my (quickly waning) caffeine withdrawal caught up with me, and I took a single 20mg caffeine tablet. “Long boring day.” I didn’t have much to do today (some training during the afternoon). Avoiding browsing the internet on my phone was difficult, but a little easier than yesterday. I noticed more mental clarity today, and my musical senses showed brief appearances. I’m really excited about the latter part, and can’t wait to see it progress more.

    I thought about getting septoplasty today, the same procedure I was approved for a few years ago. I wonder how that will work with the new insurance policy, if I would have to do new consultations for that approval from a new doctor. I wonder if I will have to spend a week of my vacation time recovering from that.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no
    Mood: 5.5/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 12 (20200617)

    Got just around 6 hours of sleep last night—not unusual for me, but less than has been the norm for the past week, and less than I need. I was sleepy all day as a result, and drifted in and out of sleep throughout the day. “Long boring day.” I was very sad today. I spent most of the day thinking about where I am in my life, how much trouble I’ve had taking initiative in moving on to something more meaningful, and how long it has been since I lived a life that could be considered remotely satisfying. I consider it “good” that I had the emotional coherence to hold onto this idea so coherently for such a period of time.

    At 11:21, I popped the last 20mg caffeine tab I had in the bottle. I did feel a very mild headache and disorientation before that, but it is clear I am recovering from the addiction faster than I expected I would. As another, older addiction, avoiding surfing the web on my mobile helps as well. During much of the day, I feel a clarity in my thoughts and emotions that I’m not used to. It’s been nice. At the same time, I felt a kind of cold attitude towards others, towards people who didn’t have the same priorities and personality as me. It was like the attitude I had as a teenager, stripped of the polite professional demeanor I’ve crafted in my adult life. Who knows—perhaps this is just a part of who I am, an aspect of being authentic. Interested to see whether I feel a similar way in the next few days.

    After work, I ate a bit, went to the “fine foods” grocery store for some dairy products, and then came home. I meant to finish my casual laundry load, but completely forgot. I just stared at my phone and computer screen for a while. I rarely factor this into my plans, but I often find that at that point in the day, I’m too mentally tired to do anything other than get ready for bed (slowly). I don’t know if this is solveable as a habit, or just an inevitability at this point in my life, but I need to do what I can to not make this too much of a problem for me. Tonight, I deleted a few games from my phone that have been distracting me over the past few weeks.

    The last paragraph had a crucial sentence that bears repeating:

    I rarely factor this into my plans, but I often find that at that point in the day, I’m too mentally tired to do anything other than get ready for bed (slowly).

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no
    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 1.25/10
     
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I actually relapsed since my post.

    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...urons-that-fire-together-wire-together.16712/
    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/rat-in-the-attic.22738/
    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/thankful-for-a-fresh-start.4777/
    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...t-days-just-stay-off-porn-masturbation.15482/

    All guys 40+ but the elders know best.

    One thing that seems clear to me is that it's easier to stay clean if we build the right life around ourselves. If one has a shitty situation it's much harder to stay clean. Staying clean also helps one build a better external life but it takes time... (so it can be a circular self enforcing thing). But until that external life is not too good, relapses may happen more often. I think this is happening to me to some extent.
     
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Thanks for the links.

    I've been meaning to get out and mix the schedule up a bit but all of the current events (lockdowns, riots in this area) have been getting in the way.

    I made a new thread, BTW. The explanation is within that thread.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.

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