Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20200524)

    Started the day like a normal Sunday—groceries, etc. After that, I spent a lot of the day playing video games. I considered reading and practicing guitar, but in this weird situation, I couldn’t motivate myself to.

    I’ve written a lot in journal entries about how time flies, about how I don’t even know how time has passed so fast at the end of the day (or weekend). The answer, apparently, is computer usage. Time didn’t pass very fast today. I felt I had plenty of time.

    When I get computer access again—either a repair or replacement—this is going to have HUGE implications on time management.

    I just felt very strange today. (The fretting about aging was there, intensely.)

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20200525)

    I had more sleep last night than I can remember having on a Sunday night in the recent past, due to the holiday. Was feeling very good—not exceptionally energetic, just clear-headed and positive.

    I spent much of the day playing videogames, and I enjoyed it more than I usually do. I was in the moment more than usual, in a very good way. I think the next few days will reveail a great deal about how much my computer habits have dominated my life.

    I’ve got a few major expenses coming up:
    -June rent
    -Computer repair/replacement
    -Summer or Fall vacation (hopefully)
    Something might have to give.

    I hope that I can proceed with more creative pursuits after I finish this game (FFVII Remake), hopefully this week.

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 5.5/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20200526)

    Unusually tired today, despite an (almost) normal amount of sleep. “Long boring day,” and it was hard to get anything done. I was very lazy today.

    I had another childhood flashback today—almost. It was like the aftertaste of the image was there, but not the visuals. I think the association my mind was trying to make was just weak enough to fail at this point. Not the first time.

    After work, I managed to visit the store for handsoap, do a red load of laundry (with my last quarters), and return some texts/emails (including with S/K). It was a pretty productive evening.

    Weekly goals: None this week!
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20200527)

    “Long boring day.” Sleepy, with slightly dry eyes again—allergies? Dealt with some indigestion too, and some bloating.

    Overall, a pretty easy, tranquil day. I am starting to get a feel for life without a computer. As worried as I am about my files, this disruption in my normal routine has been a good opportunity to reflect on things, and adopt better habits.

    I NEED TO POST ON YBR ABOUT MY LACK OF RECENT UPDATES.

    [NOTE FROM 6/25: "Lack of recent updates" was due to the "broken" computer. I was writing my daily updates by hand in a notebook.]

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 1.75/10
     
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20200528)

    “Long boring day.” Spent a lot—a lot—of time at work doing nothing. I disabled the solitaire game link on my iPod after I kept telling myself I was playing my last hand before resetting and doing it again. I’ve been doing that for days, and the tendons on my right hand have become irritated by the repetitive button-pressing. These simplistic games have been a mind-numbing distraction for me many times in my life.

    While listening to a podcast, I had a brief flashback to the dining hall of a summer camp I went to at the age of 15. Another strange, distant memory.

    I’ve been writing poems in my notebook at work, like I began 2 or 3 weeks ago. I’ve noticed the subject matter is more varied, and the flow is getting better. I’m starting to enjoy it.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 1.75/10
     
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20200529)

    “Long boring day.”

    I don’t remember exactly what I wanted to say here, but I don’t think it was too important. Feeling a little more “natural” overall.

    I believe the Apple store will be open tomorrow, so I plan to bring my laptop in to see what could be done. I’m very nervous about it.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 3.75/10
     
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20200530)

    Today wasn’t really a great day, but I suppose it could have been worse.

    Woke up in the late morning with around 8 hours of sleep—not too bad. Ate a little and took a shower before grabbing my computer to rush out and do a few errands.

    I first dropped by the bank, right before they usually would close, because I need coins for laundry—closed still. Then I went to the Apple store nearby to either get my computer fixed or to schedule an appointment to do so—closed as well. Then I went to Chipotle. As I was ordering, they asked me if I wanted to dine in or carry out, then told me I wasn’t allowed to dine in as I was paying. After carrying out, I realized a lot of the food was not fresh/funky-looking, so I ended up throwing a lot of it away. So in the end, every stop I made was in vain.

    I talked to my old man on the way home, and he encouraged me to try turning the computer on myself to see if there was really a problem. It is something that had occurred to me, but I had been avoiding it out of nervousness of causing further damage. Not only did my computer work fine, but actually worked better than before I had spilled the water on it (the touch bar on the right side is working well again). Strange how that works. I guess I can be grateful about the outcome, even if the process this afternoon was frustrating.

    I grinded through the last few parts of the Final Fantasy VII Remake as a kind of chore after that. I was starting to like the game and think it was a worthy successor, but that was a terrible ending. Oh well, it’s over now, so I can start putting more of my time into productive (dare I say, adult) things. I didn’t do much after that. I dicked around on the computer a lot, and felt a strange brain buzz while doing it. It was a similar sensation to getting on the internet after a period of going without it. I’ve discussed how different, and better, life is without a functional computer in the last few days. I need to spend some time navigating how I can use this information to my advantage. I’ve got a lot of bad habits built up that I haven’t been giving much mind.

    Something happened to me that really bothered me today. I don’t think this was something that is indicative of how I act/think most of the time, but I don’t want it to ever happen. I talked to my mom on the phone. She’s been getting into the news, and I told her a few things about one of the news items she was fuming about to try and cool her down. Yet, one of the things I “corrected” her on was incorrect (and that made her skeptical of the entire argument). I looked it up later, and her correction was accurate. I was ashamed at myself for believing something I had heard without skepticism, without verifying there was a legitimate source for it. I need to be more careful about that, it’s not to my standards. And I need to start forgetting about politics/news shit, like I said I would a few months ago. Waste of my time.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20200531)

    Today would have been a normal Sunday, given the chance. I woke up and drove to my usual grocery store not long after. For the first time in my life, I saw the parking lot blocked off by police cars. (I was told later that the store had been sacked by “protesters”/rioters.) I had to go to another grocery store, and paid more than I would at the usual place, for less food. I tried to buy a higher fat/lower carb food selection this time around, which seems to be a lot more expensive in general.

    The rest of the day was fairly normal. I wrote my June rent check and put it in the door; I can’t believe that the year is almost half way over already, that the new decade is about 5% complete. My brain still feels a little bit fried from getting my computer up and running again. Computers are toxic.

    During the evening, my self-awareness had that usually weekly dip, but worse than normal. Why is my brain so fucking fried every Sunday evening? Is this a way of coping with depression?

    Weekly goals:
    1) Shut down computer each night, right after I’m done using it for the night.
    2) Post on YBR each night.
    3) Practice music each night.
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20200601)

    I can’t believe it is June already. Nearly half a year just raced by. It is truly shocking. What do I have to show for it?

    I woke up from less than 3 hours of sleep
    . Even by my standards… Gained a little weight over the past week (1.5 lb), apparently, despite not eating much. (How did that happen?) “Long boring day.” I couldn’t shake the groggy/miserable/pessimistic feeling all day at work, but by the time I got home from work, I felt quasi-fine. Why does my mood/physical feeling always level off at this time of day? I’ve noticed that before, and I don’t understand it at all.

    To tell the truth, I was dreading getting home after work all day. There is something extremely stifling about the schedule I set for myself on weekday evenings. Yet, if I deviate from that schedule too much, I suffer. Things get forgotten. I considered going straight to bed for a nap and eating later, but decided I would have trouble getting to sleep due to the caffeine in my blood. I want out. I want out of this machine.

    I’ve told myself I need to manage my computer use now that I have access to it again. Instead of surfing a lot tonight, I just sat there with the computer open in front of me. The addiction goes deep.

    Trying to eat a lower carb, higher fat diet
    . Nothing near keto. Think that might help with bloating a bit (and I’m just tired of stuffing myself with bread). The eating process is more pleasant, but I think I’m feeling a little bit sluggish as a result.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes, about to 2) no, not yet 3) no, trying to go to bed early on Monday night (and failing)
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
     
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 (20200602)

    Making my way to work this morning, things were a little different. From the time when I first woke up, I felt a little bit more aware of my place in the world, my place within my life. I was more aware of my ennui and silent misery. I thought of all of those moments, which were especially apparent when I first started trying to tackle PMO addiction, when I just walk around, and stare at things, and don’t really do anything, because I just feel like there’s something I should be doing, which would make me feel “right” again. A thought occurred to me in a clear way, which only occurred to me in an obscure way before:

    The worst feeling isn’t hating my job, and hating the routine. The worst feeling is knowing that I would be if my head was all there, but all I can think of is “Ugh…coffee now…”


    When I got home, I really switched up the routine quite a bit. I didn’t get my computer out for a while, and when I did, I couldn’t think of much on the internet to look at. After a quick dinner, I left to do some reading, then returned to the kitchen later. That feeling of wandering around, not being quite sure what I should be doing, was there. I think it is a sign that, if I continue this way, I will start to recover from general computer addiction. Unfortunately I am going to bed later than normal (past 23:00) again.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no, I really meant to, but I decided not to in order to get to bed “on time.” That was over a half hour ago… 3) no
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 11 (20200603)

    When I got to work, the guy who did the night shift, who happens to never shut up, was absent, so I started the day off with some relaxing peace and quiet. (This was the second day in a row, in fact. Never before.) “Long boring day.” Spent much of the day surfing Twitter on my work mobile. It felt like a pretty long day.

    I’m sure I had more to say about this, but I just can’t remember much. It was not a very eventful day.

    On my way home, I didn’t notice any closed roads, arrests, protests, etc. Despite the things still going on, it was fairly quiet. I took a long time eating dinner and will go to bed later than I had intended, again (it’s all so tiresome).

    I did pull my guitar out for the first time in weeks (or perhaps even months). Baby steps.

    Weekly goals: 1) will 2) no, fail again 3) briefly played guitar
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
     
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 12 (20200604)

    Woke up feeling like shit, unusually bad. Last night, I MO’d, on top of less than average sleep period. I was just delirious from being in a semi-asleep state. “Long boring day.” I felt great for a brief time after getting my caffeine intake, then dipped back down.

    I noticed that I haven’t written poems for a few days, listening to longer podcasts (mostly old ones) instead.

    My air conditioner sucks, it’s hot in here, I’m soaked and stinky and filthy and feel disgusting. I am also DEHYDRATED from sweating.

    I’m going to sleep late again. This is going to drive me crazy.

    ENTRY WAS UNFINISHED
     
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20200605)

    Woke up tired, again. “Long boring day,” and I had trouble getting myself to work diligently before the afternoon, but when I started, I was pretty productive. I’ve just felt completely depleted for the past few days. It’s not just the lack of sleep, which itself might be a secondary cause; it’s the “keto flu,” I believe, even though I am not doing real keto (I am just eating more fats and less carbs). Lots of hunger and thirst, frequent need to urinate, dry eyes and mouth, etc.

    As an aside, it actually occurred to me that this is probably the main cause for the weird uncomfortable feelings I’ve complained about during the weekends for the past few months, especially the dry eyes and listlessness. I generally eat a fat-ier diet on weekends. Hopefully those go away as I get more used to this way of eating.

    After work, I PMO'd again. I had considered going straight to bed for a nap, but was pissed off about something in the news—very pissed off—so I figured I would be able to sleep. I just felt dead and demotivated, so I went for it.

    After 3-4 hours of wasting time, I finally got on with my routine—doing a very brief exercise routine, just not not feel bad about doing nothing, and then getting a shower. I headed out towards my usual place to pick up food, and was extremely frustrated to find it was fenced off. I then drove towards home, and 10-15 minutes in the opposite direction, looking for something to eat. Everything was closed, so I came home and started eating from the very limited store of food I had left (which I hadn’t fully replenished the previous weekend due to my grocery store being closed).

    While this sounds like a miserable thing to do on a Friday night, I did a fair amount of cleaning. The apartment still needs a lot of work, but it looks a little better now. I cleaned the kitchen floor and the immediate adjacent area. At one point, I told myself I’d turn in fairly early to get an early start on tomorrow, but I bombed that. What a miserable night.

    Apartment is really fucking hot. 80+ degrees for much of the day. It’s often more hot than outside at this point (neighbors, presumably). I get so sweaty and disgusting. I miss my old apartment; despite being a mind numbingly dull area, at least it was cool inside.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) no 3) no
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
     
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20200606)

    Woke up and ate a bit (not much food left). I made a call to the bank to see if they were open (I need laundry quarters badly), but they are still closed apparently. Eventually I headed out to the “fine foods” store a few blocks up the road for the first time. There, I picked up prostokvasha, bazarny and ryazhenka (three Russian-style dairy beverages, which I have wanted to try for a while; the ones I’ve tried so far are pretty good). I headed home. I eventually walked to the local currency exchange shop for those coins. I guess it just never occurred to me, and the exchange fee was dirt cheap ($0.50 for a $10 roll of quarters, of which I got two). I picked up some food at the usual place (which was closed last night), and returned home for a while. I eventually started playing Resident Evil 2, which I’ve owned but haven’t played for a few months. I had bought it partially out of nostalgia for seeing the box of the original as a kid but not being allowed to play it. I enjoyed it fine but I kind of felt like I was just doing it without much thought, so I turned it off before too long. Certain features in certain videogames, like not being able to save frequently, make videogames sort of hard for me to enjoy at this stage in my life. Maybe I just need to rebuild my attention span.

    PERSONAL INFO OMITTED

    I did a lot of wandering around, thinking about what I need to do today, just like I mentioned a few days ago. I did do a few things I really wanted/needed to do, and I had some momentum at the beginning of the day, but a part of me felt a little bit of waste. Not as bad as it usually is, but there nonetheless.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
     
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20200607)

    Woke up in the late morning…normal routine day, all the way to the end. The normal grocery store was available again, so I stocked up and spent a lot (close to $90). Like I’ve been saying, the day kind of “slipped away” from me. I checked the news site often, like I did yesterday. With everything that has been happening since the beginning of the year, as well as the local events over the past week, part of me expected something significant this weekend, but it seems like it was just more of the same, a little quieter. I heard gunshots (or possibly fireworks) again multiple times today.

    Coming home, I did notice a major headache forming, with a bit of nausea. A caffeine withdrawal headache, the worst one I’ve had in a while. It will be a goal this week to scale back my caffeine a lot, as I’ve noticed it getting out of hand again. The combination of the headache with the hot sticky apartment, that odor in the kitchen whose exact source I cannot determine, and being generally tired was a combination that felt especially disgusting. I should treat caffeine abuse as a similar thing to PMO abuse.

    Overall, a very mindless Sunday, as usual. I was mentally checked out for the usual time period in the evening. I have told myself for hours that I would go to bed a little earlier than I usually do on a Sunday night, which I’ve now failed at. I’m about to get a shower, which I really need at this point even though I would like to be going to bed.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Roll back caffeine consumption, topping it off at 40mg per day.
    2) Visit on YBR each night.
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
     
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20200608)

    Woke up exhausted, Monday normal. Never recovered due to cutting the caffeine dosage. Stepping on the scale, I’ve gained a lot of weight again (close to 2 pounds over the last week), despite eating less, again. My hypothesis so far is that sleeping less = gaining fat, for me at least. Since I don’t regularly sleep enough, there’s a lot of improvement to be had in this area. There is a lot of science that backs this up. “Long boring day.” I tried to be productive today, but the fatigue was intense. Brain fog was at the point of giving up on simple thoughts. That is something I’ve experienced at lot of as a child and teenager but is not particularly common now. Even when I felt fairly confident about what I was thinking, the speech came out poorly, which is a typical symptom of brain fog.

    I decided to go straight to bed after coming home from work at about 16:15. I set my alarm for 3 hours, and came to around 21:00. I must have reset the alarm at some point. I spent a few hours eating (this can be improved) and am going to bed again around 2:00. That will amount to about 8.5 hours of total sleep. As I’ve observed before, if I totally transform the entire schedule to get more sleep, it only results in around the amount of sleep I flourish on, no more. This is a bad sign for my ability to do meaningful things each day and get enough sleep. I think I could streamline my schedule a bit with efficiency after I recover from this caffeine habit, though.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20200609)

    In an exceptionally unusual event, I woke up this morning with over 8 hours of sleep, ready to go to work. Psychologically, it made things a lot more clear, and, as a result, more depressing. The need to be distracted was weaker, and distractions had a weaker influence when I indulged in them. The dissatisfaction with my life was immediate and obvious. This is a very interesting development; perhaps a better sleep schedule would benefit me more than I originally had thought? “Long boring day.” Irritation came faster and sharper than usual, and when I first arrived in the office, my coworker who never shuts up was more grating than usual.

    The day seemed to pass quite slowly. I listened to the first Metallica album all the way through for the first time. I bought it about two years ago, and just have neglected it until now. It’s alright. There were a few songs towards the middle that I listened to a second time. Maybe I should just give it more time. Headache started to form well after lunch, and never got too bad.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) yes
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20200610)

    Not doing a full entry due to fairly tendon pain in my right elbow/wrist/hand. It’s rather bad (and sudden), hope this is not long-term.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no
    Mood: 4.25/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20200611)

    “Long boring day.” Other than the necessary daily reports I send out at the end of the day, I did no real work today. I just sat around, surfing Twitter on my work mobile and walking around. I’m becoming acclimated to the new, lower caffeine dosage very fast; I experienced some mild headaches from the early afternoon until now, but nothing severe. I’ve also been able to think straight (more or less) for most of the week. Next week will probably be even better.

    Caffeine is a mild dopamine source for me, so clearing that out of my head will help me see my life with more clarity. I’ve thought about what it’s like to go for months without good conversations; at this point, I’m much more comfortable with the kind of shallow and predictable conversations I have at work than the kinds of conversations I used to dream of having. Also, I spent a lot of time this evening thinking about my disappointment in myself, ending where I have in life, and my anxiety about the future.

    With the exception of tonight, I have had 6 hours 55 minutes or more sleep each night this week. This is as good as it gets for me.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no (right arm still bothering me)
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20200612)

    Woke up from a little less sleep than the previous days of this week, but by no means abnormally low (by my standards). “Long boring day.” I really didn’t do any work with a more-than-1-day turnaround period today, The whole day was focused on one feeling: A feeling of clarity about how disappointed I am with how my life has turned out, and desire to finally move on. I think the general coherence of this idea is a good sign for my emotional well-being.

    Got a call from my father this evening. The parents are on their way, passing through on a car trip, and will arrive tomorrow morning for a visit. It’s something we talked about a few weeks ago. I guess I just haven’t been checking my texts enough. That will change my plans…a bit. Honestly, I really didn’t have that much to do, as usual. Hope they only stay for a day, honestly.

    Spent this evening cleaning up. This really encouraged me to clean up the apartment, including some spaces I usually neglect.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 2/10
     

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