Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 20

    I said I hoped I wouldn't waste this weekend but I've already wasted the first day. I accomplished pretty much nothing.

    When I first woke up, I didn't have any sexual thoughts in my head, which is very unusual during a reboot streak, but sleeping through the alarm a handful of times, they started to emerge. No major triggers today, but I noticed that as I was searching the web throughout the day, I was casting a wider and wider net over what I sites I was skimming over looking for something interesting to read, and I am coming across material that I would have managed to avoid a week ago.

    NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT GO ON 4CHAN. Way too many provacative pics make it under the mods' sight.

    NO
    MORE
    4CHAN.

    The day followed last Saturday's pattern almost perfectly: Sleep in, brunch, procrastinate until it is pushing dinner time, go out to eat, and then do an errand or two, come back to have a quick final meal and end up with it being too late to go out and do anything. I am really suffering from the lack of structure on weekends. There is a sense of waste that makes it sometimes feel worse than weekdays. I can take solace in the fact that if I look at my entry from last Saturday, I was dealing with much stronger urges back then compared to now. But still, I am rotting.

    Rotting.

    I noticed that I do have a bit of social anxiety of a particular type still left in me. After all of the temporary jobs I've done since I moved here, I've met a fair number of people, and I am worried about running into some of them. It is like the lack of personal intimacy I have carefully crafted in my professional life, that privacy, will all be cracked if someone from work sees me out spending a weekend night alone. I think I wouldn't worry about it if I was with someone else (anyone else-a girlfriend, an acquaintance, a friend, a family member). I've experienced this feeling on and off for quite a few years now. Even in college it was there. Maybe even in high school. Man, what a sad life I have had.

    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 4.25/10
     
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 20 continued

    I am thinking about doing a 20-day update to kind of review my progress and review the individual days to look for broad patterns. I think doing it every 20 days would be sparse enough to not be too intrusive. Stay tuned tomorrow.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sorry, misread. Still something happening for sure. The brain looking for dopamin whilst starved.
     
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I didn't get a chance to write a 20-day review today, but I'm still considering doing it tomorrow. Stay tuned.

    Day 21

    Woke up, checked the local movie listings, and saw there was a local showing of the new Code Geass movie today at 14:00 at a big theater that sometimes airs foreign/special interest films, and the only other times it would air are at awkward times on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I rushed out and managed to get there on time. It was a good time. After driving back, I went straight to the grocery store for my biweekly visit, and went home to start preparing some food. It was already 5 or 6 PM, so I did some laundry. The day was pretty much over after that point. I scanned some Craigslist ads for apartments in the movie theater's area, before realizing it was farther from work than my current residence.

    I'll note that today it is the highest number I've given for "mood" in all of my daily entries so far. I think doing something unusual and fun was a part of it, but the brain changes that come with avoiding PMO are a major contributor as well. Whenever I'm deep into the rut of a routine, doing anything to break the routine really has a lot of potential for reigniting my capacity for emotions and connecting with memories.

    I'm not really tempted to visit the old websites-in fact, when the thought of any of them has occurred to me in the past few days, the idea of spending time on them just strikes me as strange. I'm sure I would enjoy it in the moment but they're really not worth spending time on, not to mention the damage they can do.

    Mood: 7/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    This is something that doesn't get enough attention in these communities, but really strikes me as one of the most incredible facts about porno:

    It has been used as a weapon of war.

    http://cosmos.ucc.ie/cs1064/jabowen/IPSC/php/event.php?eid=3562

    In this case, Israelis using porn during an armed conflict with Palestinians. Why would they do that? I think we know the answer. Porn is even worse than most people on here recognize.
     
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    REVIEW OF DAYS 1-20

    This is the beginning of a journey, and it followed a somewhat predictable pattern for about the first week. Urges ramped up steadily until Saturday (day 6), when they were at their highest, which is the time when I felt the most actual "urges" (explicit desires to do something specific). What helped me get through that day, aside from being away from home the whole day, was reducing the anti-relapse mentality down to a simple basic idea: As long as I do not make the conscious decision to look at my triggers, I do not start on the path that ends in relapse, and whatever is going on in my head (chaotic, recurring sexual ideas/images/fixations) is irrelevant. After day 6, sexual ideas started getting less frequent and less fetishistic, and starting at day 10, they became very sparse (so much so that I am worried that they might come back with a vengeance).

    I started on this journey, in large part, due to a disturbing depiction of addiction that reminded me of myself (see day 6 post script).

    The general trajectory of my well-being has been less fetishes/sexual obsession (after the day 6 peak), more energy, and better mood. As my head gets more clear, I feel some boredom/loneliness/lethargy from the absence that has been created. Whether I use that energy to pursue my goals or adopt some other distraction seems to be the question now.

    It is a good start. It has been easier than previous attempts. The higher I climb up this ladder, the more fearful I get of falling. I wonder if this is the eye of the storm.

    And now twenty more days...
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 22

    I wondered a few days ago if caffeine supercharged sexual fantasies. I had about half a can of Monster Energy Drink today, and sexual fantasies were sparse, so that is as piece of evidence against that hypothesis. Today went by slowly, but it wasn't as painfully slow as Thursday or Friday. Everyone else in the office was away on assignment, so it was quiet and relaxing. Spent a lot of time on my phone looking up apartment listings in the area instead of surfing the usual hobby material. Probably a good sign. I had a lot of physical energy throughout the day, and I got really pissed off when some employee with small weird-looking eyes at the gym said I was deadlifting too loud. I guess some old fart complained about it so they sent out this scorpion-looking beady eyed guy to quiet me down in a place that shouldn't be quiet. Overall it was a day in which very little happened.

    Mood: 4.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 23

    Most people were still gone from the office today, so it was another fairly quiet day, which felt about as slow as yesterday. I was confronted by a hothead coworker who I rarely deal with, and it went poorly; he approached me and started telling me how to do my job, and I was just straining to hear him (loud building generator nearby), letting him do his whole bit without standing up for myself until he got tired and walked off. It was pathetic, both because I usually handle myself very well in these situations, and also because I'm pretty sure he's technically under me in the corporate hierarchy and I could get him fired if I want to. But I just stood there and took it. I got angry, and only at myself. And as is common with these people, I probably emboldened him to act worse if he ever wants to. I wonder if the sort of flatline-esque mental/emotional state I'm in contributed to me acting so passive, or if I've just gotten soft from getting along with people for so long. I haven't been this disappointed in myself in a while.

    My brain just feels a little slow right now. It's not as easily distracted as it was even a week ago, but it's obviously not in top shape. Physical energy is pretty good, though: After work, I had the best gym session in a while.

    Sexual thoughts were very minimal today. My distractability remains lower than usual: During the downtime at work, I really didn't have anything specific in mind to surf the internet about. I still wanted the distraction, I just wasn't interested while doing it.

    It's interesting that I'm approaching the 30-day mark. I feel like I could keep going indefinitely at this rate. Daily temptations are low, which might be partially due to LDN (I recently upped my dose, should discuss this in detail in a future post). I once had a daily journal in high school, and I never wrote this freely: The writing was stiff, with extremely repetitive content matter. This journal has already gone much better for me.

    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Similar amount of days and same feeling. Let's not get too comfortable. Urges may hit hard from one moment to another.

    Good job on posting about your coworker. These things are only affecting our lifes if we let it. You wrote it down, had a great gym session to blow off steam and hopefully now you can let it go. That is healthy stress management!
     
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Spoke too soon.
     
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 24

    Today started off as another one of those maximum boredom days. Everything was hectic at work (for everyone else) so I didn't really have a chance to daze off at all. I got to surf the internet on my phone at lunch, at which point I didn't really have much interest in anything I was reading (again). So far, everything felt like a slightly worse version of the last few days at work. Then it changed: Starting maybe an hour after lunch, I started feeling a tension headache that grew and grew until it enveloped my entire head. (I should mention that last night, I did feel some tension around my jaw just as I was falling asleep.) On the drive home from work, it was very bad, as bad as any that I could remember having that didn't result in me vomiting (although I did feel on and off nausea as well and at one point thought I would). Right when I got home, I cancelled my appointment for that evening and took a 3-hour nap. When I woke up, it was significantly reduced, and I took an Ibuprofin, which helped a little as well. At that point I was functional enough to get to the grocery store, come home, cook some food and prepare for bed.

    I have read about headaches during long streaks before. For a lot of people, it is just a part of the rewiring process. I am pretty sure that's what I'm experiencing. For the last week or so, I've had this overwhelming feeling of dopamine deprivation: Feeling that my brain is hungry for something I can't feed it, so it remains continually restless and uncomfortable. From most of the posts that I read, this is something that will not immediately be resolved. I can continue to take Ibuprofin but I don't want to make that a habit. Another thing to note is that the sexual ideas that have popped into my mind are back to the intense, fetishistic variety. For the past week or two I have almost exclusively had the milder variety of sexual images in my head, to the extent that sexual images occur to me at all, but now it's back to the worst. This happens during my headaches, which tends to be my weakest state (I've started multiple binges during bad headaches).

    Hopefully things don't get too bad. I don't think I can function if the headaches are as bad as they were yesterday.

    Mood: 1.75/10 (balanced before/after headache)
    Libido: 2/10
     
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 25

    It is getting tedious splitting hairs between work days that feel extremely long and ones which feel maximum long. So for now on I'll just say a day was "long boring day," starting today. The intense round two of headaches I expected didn't come (yet). I felt like I usually feel after I get over a sickness (especially vomiting): Very mild leftover headache with a sort of fresh feeling emotionally, with a somewhat sluggish body. I felt viciously hungry up until lunch, far more than normal, despite having a normal number of calories yesterday. My body felt cranky today, especially at the gym. Lots of cranky joints, especially my right wrist (on the cusp of going numb, as is frequently the case) and knees. I have a knot on my right side, near the lower lat, and I don't really understand how it showed up. Towards the end of the day, especially after the gym, I started to feel sleepier at an unusual rate. Throughout the entire day, my brain still felt like it was starving. Today was a day of many unusual feelings/sensations.

    Some time in the near future I need to make a list of positive symptoms of NoFap I am experiencing. I definitely feel different from when I started.

    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1/10 (no presence I could recall)
     
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 25

    I should also mention that I'm falling behind this week. When it comes to the things I do to better myself in the evening, things to invest in the future (short- and long-term), I've done next to nothing. I just feel too wiped out. Maybe I'll catch up over the weekend
     
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 26

    "Long boring day." Long long long boring boring boring day. The themes from the past few days repeated: The vicious appetite, the lethargy, the bloating, the desire to be distracted but trouble distracting myself. The major difference is that I felt a lot of fatigue today that I didn't feel much of throughout most of the rest of the day. My wrists were bothering me a lot throughout the day, which tapered off towards the end, but I had plenty of energy and mobility at the gym. One difference from yesterday is that sexual images/thoughts did pop into my head, especially towards the end of the day (mostly of the milder variety). After work I became very lethargic/unproductive.

    Since I speak so little on many days this is something that can go unnoticed, but I definitely noticed today that kind of brain fog that made me slower/less articulate while speaking. I think this is mostly a symptom of withdrawal and partially from general fatigue.

    No luck in the apartment search so far, but I haven't been letting it bother me as much. Here's to hoping the weekend is productive.

    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 27

    Today was another Saturday that followed a lot of the same patterns: Got up in the late morning, long meal, screwed around in my room for a few hours, left to drive around and do something in the afternoon and returned around dinnertime and watched the hours count down until it was too late to go out again. However, it did have a few productive developments: I left the house early enough to get to the bank (with only 60 seconds to spare!), I downloaded two new privacy oriented web browsers to try out (Brave and Tor), which I have meant to do for a while, and I have watched The Wicker Man (1973), which has been at the top of my list. I enjoyed the film, it's definitely one to rewatch. I wish I did more today but I guess I have made some progress over the last two weekends (my norm). I still have a bit of free time on Sunday to use. Loneliness was a major theme today, and I had significantly more libido than in the last week. I felt tempted to MO while laying in bed right after I woke up. My sexual "fantasies" (and by that I just mean images and scenarios that my brain suggests to me, which I don't actively encourage) were more vivid than they usually are. I need to be careful over the next few days.

    Just a few days short of a month at this point. This will be one of my longest streaks.

    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 27 continued

    I don't know if this is an idea that will go anywhere, but something that has occurred to me a handful of times over the past few months is that it would be helpful to have some kind of "weekly goals" to help me focus on moving forward in my life. While I don't have a single block of time each day to dedicate, I do have downtime various times throughout the week that I am not really utilizing.
     
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 28

    Today ended up being a lot like most Sundays. I managed to get out of the house to do the usual Sunday grocery store excursion about 2.5 hours earlier than I usually do, which made me realize something: When I started this journey, I thought I would be fighting over days, trying to make them as productive as possible. This weekend, I realized that the real struggle is over hours, not days. After I came home early, I was a little slower to initiate my evening ritual, so I lost that momentum and ended up with another boring and unproductive Sunday. The biggest disappointment of this weekend is that I didn't spend any time at all working on my creative craft. And now it's time for another long week before I get another two days open for that kind of activity.

    Digestive issues are back. Not nearly as bad as they were in 2014-2015, but some symptoms I haven't experienced in a while have shown up. I read the other day on r/NoFap a few people talking about their digestive issues (some of my exact symptoms, in fact) were related to their addiction-voila! The magic key to why I could never fully resolve my symptoms, especially the bloating/distension. If NoFap could fix that, that is something worth being truly ecstatic about.

    Is there anything NoFap can't do?

    Libido was about the same level as yesterday. What I am noticing is that the libido I have, regardless of how much of it I have on any given day, is something I feel more in my body and less in my mind. This is almost certainly a sign of rewiring happening.

    I tried calling my mother for Mother's Day. I thought if I did that, she'd feel a bit of gratitude and not fuss at me. Not the case! I called her twice throughout the day, and she didn't pick up. She finally calls me during dinner, and I begin talking to her, answering all her questions, everything you'd expect from a normal conversation. She gets upset that I'm not talking fast enough and enthusiastically enough (from what I can gather, I'm not really sure), and hangs up. Then she calls me again, before I had even finished dinner, and repeats the same process. She has always seemed to be disappointed that neither of her children are bubbly extroverts like she is. She is truly insatiable and I'm always miserable after talking to her.

    Mood: 3.25/10 (I am always depressed on Sundays. Today was no exception.)
    Libido: 4.25/10
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    4 weeks man, that's good stuff right there. I know what you mean about the struggle with those "hours" rather then days. I notice I often start on a good morning routine and then somewhere in the afternoon lose my momentum (on free days). That's why I think sometimes it's good to try to plan something special in advance that may get us out of the house, like doing something specific on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. For example even a stroll around our city. Or anything that makes sense to us. Good luck onward !
     
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I think my productivity is getting better, slowly. I'm still at the point where I have to remind myself not to just zone out.
     
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 29

    Slept through my alarm, and my nap alarms (12 of them!) and was late leaving for work. Felt very fatigued and tired until I had some caffeine. Caffeine is a remarkable mood improver, so much so that I have sometimes [before my streak] become depressed at how much it modifies my emotions and brings them to a more artificial state. Caffeine is probably among the top 3-5 sources of joy in the last 5 years of my life, a place which should be held by having real positive experiences and achievements. It's similar to what NoFap is about: Rejecting artificiality in our lives.

    "Long boring day." A day or two ago I managed to pull my levator scapulae on my right side while sleeping. My hips also were pulled by my hip flexors (probably also during sleep); stretching helped a bit with this but there was irritation the whole day while I was standing. I just felt like I had an old, weathered body. It was an odd feeling, I usually feel fresh. I had to modify my gym routine to avoid irritating the problem areas; I tried doing squats for the first time in a few weeks and I was surprisingly weak. I was pissed off by that. I hope it was just the sleep deprivation and I haven't really regressed that much.

    Sex drive was down but did have a noticeable presence at some points, especially earlier in the day. I noticed a few times that the fetish-driven images that have been coming to my mind in the past few weeks have become less vivid and briefer. They used to be clear images but now they're just brief flashes of memory/imagination. Hopefully this lasts, as it seems to indicate those ideas fading from my memory.

    I sent an email in about taking a vacation week in early August. Looking forward to seeing the response tomorrow and starting to make plans.

    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.

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