Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 26 (20200508)

    I had a vaguely-remembered dream last night. I remember it involved me touching some woman’s tits, I think, and I think it was in an inappropriate situation. This is the most I’ve remembered of a dream in weeks.

    I got a normal amount of sleep (~6h40m), but that was not enough. My legs still felt fried from Wednesday’s exercise. “Long boring day.” The work environment was very quiet. Today was a day in which focusing was very difficult, but I got a fair amount done towards the end of the day. I was nervous leaving at the end of the day, because I feared that I either had forgotten to do something or would leave a personal article (like notes to myself) in plain sight—this is something fairly common fear, but more pronounced today. I think it’s a dopamine thing. Which brings me to my next point.

    There were periods today, mostly close to dinner time and after that, when I was really craving P/MO. It was a distracting, repetitive drive. I need to be really careful this weekend. This evening, I was so tired, trying to watching something on the computer, that my eyes were falling shut. I ended up getting ready for bed much later than planned (past 2:00).

    Weekly goals: 1) Yes: Uninspired 2) no
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 4.5/10
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 27 (20200509)

    Set my alarm to wake up past noon (9 hours) but only got a little over 7 hours of sleep. It was instantly irritating, because I really needed that extra sleep. I’ve needed it more than any time in the recent past. So I started the day off demoralized. I fapped. MO. After that, I spent most of the day on the computer, doing all of the pointless, braindead browsing that I used to before the current internet guidelines came back, like pent up energy. I had planned on going out to a gun shop to try out a few guns for the first time, but realized I didn’t have all the paperwork I would need, so the rest of today’s plans just kind of collapsed with that.

    My brain feels so fried. I feel so shitty. I still need to improve my weekend internet habits. That should be part of next week’s weekly goals.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 2/10
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20200510)

    It drives me crazy that I reset my counter again
    . I know I shouldn’t be putting too much emphasis on streaks, but there was so much going well. Objectively, I was much better off. I had made serious progress on my worst habit of all—the habit that feeds all of the other bad habits. I just didn’t carry that progress into the weekend, so, like water overwhelming a cracked dam, they came back in full force. I have taken this into account for this week’s weekly goals.

    I can’t quite put how I am feeling right now into words, so I will just leave it at that.

    I hope so fervently that I get back to where I was last year with this new streak.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Observe internet guidelines, strictly, including on the weekend.
    2) Write a poem each day at work, but don’t rush through them as much, and try to have more meaningful/varied content.
    3) Think of that plunge from the state of connectedness that I experienced when I was avoiding excess internet usage, where I could emotionally connect with my long-term goals, to that familiar flat state of indifference and relapse.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20200511)

    Got around 3 hours 45 minutes of sleep last night, as far as I remember. That’s quite low, but in the range what I have become accustomed to over the past few months. Despite that, I was surprisingly functional at work, and, after a few hours, my misery was fairly low. “Long boring day.” I signed up for a Firearm Safety class on Wednesday, and will have to leave work slightly early for it. I wonder if there are many people my age in such a class; this is mostly a hobby that people start as children.

    I noticed my throat felt like it was tightening/closing in the afternoon, which is something that I usually only experience while sick. Allergies, maybe? Felt relaxed during dinner, less urge to get distracted than normal.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) yes, did better today 3) didn’t think of this, not in the right state of mind
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20200512)

    I don’t explicitly remember any dreams, but I woke up thinking about someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time. The first girl I had any sexual experience with. Before I got to work, I had another strange sensation: Craving Burger King. I don’t even like BK (I’ve probably ate there once in the last decade, even with a franchise in walking distance), but I’ve always noticed that they tend to not have frequent renovations (a lot of the places around here look like they are straight out of the 1990’s) so I think there’s some kind of nostalgic feeling associated with it.

    “Long boring day.” Developing a lot of tendon irritation in my wrist/shoulder—I think it’s from some of the exercises I’ve been messing with at home. I’m going to switch things up/go easy for a few days and see if it feels better. Otherwise, it might be from the repetitive motion of solitaire games I play on my iPod Classic to distract myself at work.

    After dinner, which I finished early, the evening felt very long
    . I mean that in the best way possible—like there is a period of time I could actually master and use productively. This is something that I’ve felt more and more over the past two weeks, and it is a good sign.

    Tomorrow, gun safety class. Hope it goes well.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no, completely forgot 3) not really
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 2/10
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20200513)

    Accidentally set my timer for 5 minutes of meditation instead of 4 last night, and felt great. I think I slept deeper than usual, despite one disturbance.

    Short boring day.” Left two hours early (13:30) for my Firearm Safety class (which finished in less than two hours, so I got home just before normal). It was my first time firing guns. We used both a S&W .22 revolver (IIRC) and a Glock 19 Gen 4. Both were pretty comfortable in my hands, although the trigger action of the second had an eerily familiar feel, which I placed later as being similar to a stapler I used to use. I enjoyed the experience, but didn’t actually spend much time firing, so it left me wanting more. Over the weekend, I will apply for my state firearm license, which will take at least a few weeks to get processed, then I can try out some different guns at certain ranges (some require possession to enter).

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) yes, I did one, the first one I’m proud enough to actually share with others (no plans to, but under certain circumstances I would) 3) yes
    Mood: 5/10
    Libido: 3/10
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20200514)

    Woke up pretty refreshed. “Long boring day.” Really not a very eventful day. A little scatterbrained. Wrist tendons, especially on the right side (plus the right shoulder) are still very tight/irritated.

    Weekly goals: 1) not quite as strict as I should have been 2) I tried 3) no
    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 [LATE] (20200516)

    Too tired to make an update Saturday night.

    Woke up with less than the 9 hours of sleep I had set my alarm for, but nearly 8, which is pretty good. Ate and did some cleaning up around the house before heading out fairly early (by my standards) to the gun store to apply for my state gun user card. After standing in the line for a while just to go in, I was told that I needed an appointment in order to to that. They weren’t clear about that over the phone. I set one up for next Saturday, but was frustrated I would have to wait another week/spend another Saturday in that appointment. (As an aside, while I was in line, some black guy [I couldn’t make out his face due to the mask] waved to me and said he didn’t know I went there. Must have been someone from work…?) I picked up some food while I was out and returned home.


    During the evening, I felt some sickness in my stomach. I’m not sure of the source. That slowed me down enough that I did not do much after that.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2/10
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20200517)

    Woke up late in the morning, felt some malaise before starting the routine by heading to the grocery store. It was raining fairly heavily, which is a rarity here, unlike where I grew up. While most of the day was strictly routine (even my bedtime, unfortunately), I did get a few things done that weren’t. First of all, I cleaned the bathroom for the first time in a few months, and it looks spotless, although the sink drain did not clear out fully with the DRANO I applied to it this time. Also,


    Weekly goals:
    1) Read about poetry. Try to figure out specific steps for improving this skill. If time permits, read poems for inspiration.
    2) Follow internet guidelines STRICTLY, especially avoiding looking at any kind of images for its own sake.
    3) Post to YBR each night.
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20200518)

    Woke up feeling like shit. Less than 4 hours of sleep, which is not uncommon on a Sunday night/Monday morning, but I just felt worse today. Stepping on the scale, I’ve gained about a pound of weight, despite eating less than I’m used to. (I thought I might do a mini-cut just until the gyms open back up next month.) Maybe I’ll weigh myself again tomorrow to see if it was a water fluctuation or something. Arrived at work late, and ended up leaving late in order to make up the time. “Long boring day.” I needed the printer to do some of my work today, and it wasn’t working, so I just basically didn’t do any work that didn’t have to be completed by the end of the day. I kept telling myself I would, but couldn’t muster the energy to figure out the printer issue. Instead, I ended up surfing Twitter on my work mobile phone (I’ve found a way to do this in a way that would be almost impossible to trace.) All that surfing make my brain spin, and I didn’t like being exposed to constant political commentary in a way I haven’t in a few weeks (or months, whatever).

    Something I did try towards the end of the day was meditation. I did it for four minutes, then an additional minute
    . It felt amazing. This might be something I try to incorporate every day; I certainly have the time.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) yes 3) no
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I think I should point out that this is the first time in this whole thread, which has existed for more than a year, that I posted an entry out of order. Just a careless mistake.

    Day 5 (20200515)

    Woke up quite tired, didn’t fully recover for the rest of the day. “Long boring day.” There was a lot of sitting around doing nothing until late in the work day. I was distracted by the podcasts I was listening to, and also did a fair amount of internet browsing on my personal mobile phone. The tendons in my wrists/forearms are still feeling very tight, and might have gotten worse via me playing solitaire on my iPod Classic with the tiny wheel controls.

    I tried writing a poem (two, actually), as my weekly goal dictates, but I had trouble coming up with content that is not repetitive in subject matter. There is something about being at work that is very stifling and narrowing to the mind. I just can’t connect to the things I care about emotionally when I am in “work mode”. I suspect if I did it at home, I wouldn’t have this issue. That work mode does have a lingering effect, though.

    My mouth has been dry for most of the week, whatever reason. I think drinking the Ito-En bottled green tea might make it worse. Singing has been strained and uncomfortable—I think it’s just the dry mouth, and I hope I’m not regressing in skill. It has been a while before I’ve felt happy about my own progress in that regard.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) see above 3) yes
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20200519)

    “Long boring day.” Moderately productive. In the late morning, I started getting very, very sleepy again, with droopy-feeling eyelids. I tried to compensate by upping the caffeine a bit.

    In the afternoon and evening, especially after coming home from work, I felt a lot of irritation in my wrists, forearms and elbows/triceps. I think I just overworked them yesterday. I might have hypermobile elbows as well. The irritation was so bad that I spent most of this evening just lying down and not doing anything.

    Weekly goals: 1) watched a few videos, not as much as I’d like 2) not really 3) not at all
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 (20200520)

    Had a dream last night. My memories of it were vague and meaningless, but the fact that I’ve had two dreams in the past few days, after weeks without any, seems to mean my head is in a good place, perhaps healing.

    I had a brief craving for Chick-Fil-A fountain soda (yes, the formulas do vary slightly between chains) Dr. Pepper this morning. When I’m healing from PMO addiction, I get better memories of my past, and the longer I heal, the farther back that goes. I’ve been to Chick-Fil-A perhaps twice in the past 6 months, and neither time did I buy a soda. This is probably pinpointing a time when I was depressed and regularly visited Chick-Fil-A in late 2016 (just after I moved to this state, and was unemployed living on savings) and 2017 (when I was on night shift and living like a slug).

    “Long boring day.” I listened to the Joe Rogan Experience #906 with Henry Rollins today. It is not a podcast I usually enjoy but I did listen to this one shortly after it came out in 2017 and it stuck with me, so I downloaded it to listen to it again yesterday. Rollins is sort of a cringe boomer about a lot of things but there are a lot of things that he said that I could really relate to, to a surprising degree. How he liked walking by places that reminded him of his past, but not necessarily talking to the people. How he “doesn’t know” how to just hang out with people, and constantly feels compelled to do something productive. Tons of other things I’ve never heard from anyone else. What really struck me this time, though, was how he built a life of constantly doing the things that were important to him in order to stave off his worst tendencies.

    I am a zombie. I feel hollow inside. Nothing I do matters, and the hollowness of the daily activities I do hollows out everything else in my life.

    I felt so moved by what I heard, I told myself that as soon as I got home, I’d start doing it all. Everything that’s important, living a completely different way. Well, I didn’t. I mean, I was a little more productive than usual this evening. But not much. I just cannot understand the overwhelming pull of time wasting has over me.

    I noticed the lights at work are unusually white/bright. Wonder if that does something special to my energy levels. Hyperactivity, or something. I speak in my uncomfortable voice (the higher one) a lot. I used to think that was an extinct habit. I often feel not myself at work. Maybe that’s part of it.

    Now that I think about it, I’m usually not myself. I don’t get a lot of opportunities to be, other than sitting alone at home.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) almost 3) yes
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 11 (20200521)

    Woke up feeling fairly refreshed today. “Long boring day.” I listened to “The Pines of Rome” and Bruckner’s symphony 8 today; this is the first time I’ve listened to classical music for more than a few minutes in a while. I should do it more, because it is relaxing. It does take more patience than modern music, though.

    Voice is very sore right now (near bed time). Hope nothing lasting has happened.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) no 3) yes
    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
  15. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    It seems to me you have come to know masturbator brain same as me.
    Its sad how important this is.
    Its all and everything,
    That said this is nothing but a life phase. No reason to hate yourself over this. We get through this because we want to get through. Its just matter to find the strength somewhere.

    I do hope you get through, man
    I truly do.
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Goddammit. It hurts. It hurts a whole lot, to have been doing so well last year and to have assumed everything was moving forward and getting better, and then to fall back into the old habits.

    Thanks for the kind words. I think (hope) things are starting to get better.
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 12 (20200522)

    Woke up with my quads still feeling so fried from Wednesday that I could hardly get out of bed. “Long boring day,” emphasis on long. I can’t remember the last time a morning felt this long. I wasn’t alone in the office for most of the day, for the first time in a while, so that did put some limits on how much distraction I got exposed to.

    Wore briefs for the first time in a while during a heavy walking day (read: work day) instead of boxers (as one of the last clean laundry items). My thighs rubbed together so much I got a rash. I guess my thighs are a size now where I will have to wear boxers or get a rash, if I walk any significant amount. Kind of irritating but whatever.

    After I finished everything in the evening, and before I prepared dinner
    , I just crashed on my bed. Stared at the wall, daydreamed, spent some time surfing the web in place. This is a recurring issue on Friday evenings. I need to figure out how to not devolve into such behavior.

    Monday is a holiday, and work is closed. I overhead someone talking about it at work, and, if I hadn’t, I would have drove it at 7:00 Monday morning. Not exactly sure how I will utilize the extra time, but I am grateful to have it.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) no 3) no
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 2/10
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20200523)

    Terrible day. Worst day I can remember.

    After setting my alarm for 9 hours, I woke up after about 6 and could only fall back asleep intermittently after that. I was tired all day.

    During breakfast (brunch), a glass of water slipped off the microwave onto my laptop. After trying to dry it off for a few minutes, it cut off on its own. I will have to wait a week or so for the Mac store to reopen for an appointment. The anecdotes I’ve seen online are not promising. I have an incredible amount of data on that computer, which I’ve started a list of on the following page. My life is on that computer.

    Went into the gun store to apply for my state owner’s license. They copied my address from my driver’s license, so it is going to the wrong address.

    I’ve felt moderate but consistent indigestion/discomfort/depression for most of the day. I am relatively sure it is from the Digiorno pizza, since I had a similar reaction last weekend. This feeling combined with the lack of air conditioner (it approached 80 in the apartment today) was a thoroughly disgusting feeling.

    I spent the day in a surreal state, fretting about the computer and feeling that sickly feeling. I relapsed multiple times.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1/10 (minimum)
    Libido: 3/10
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear things are hard now. I know it's cheesy but ups and downs are part of the process.

    If I remember well one thing that stood out, from my perspective, is that when you were on that long streak last year, it ended after going on a vacation and you had some drinks with some friends, then when you got back you relapsed. You still got some good runs after, but shorter. But it seems that the drinking and perhaps the excitement of the vacation was a factor. The drinking in particular is something to look out for and it's one of the easier things to be careful with.

    I also remember you were doing well and had some good momentum when you moved. But probably the intensity of the moving got to you somehow as I remember you had a kind of relapse not long after moving.

    One thing that has helped me get back on a positive swing the last time I was quite stuck (about 2 months ago) was to read some inspiring journals on here (Wabi Sabi, A New Man, 40new30) - and also to read my own entries from last time I was doing well which showed me it's a long battle but it's worth it. What also helped was to take 2 days for myself in order to really think about things. I took a walk to my elementary school, which I hadn't seen in a long time. I also did some hypnosis. I felt like all these combined together helped me remember why it's important to not watch porn.

    Maybe visualize yourself going for 50 good days ? 50 good days will change your perspective a lot. In 50 days you will see things different then now.

    Best of luck, you got this.
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I had a few drinks, less than I would need to even get a buzz, and relapsed about half a week later. I don't think it was directly related but there could possibly be an indirect relation. I don't drink enough at this point in my life (1 or 2 drinks, 3-4 times a year) for it to be much of an issue. I was a huge drinker in college, though.

    Could you link me to those threads?

    Appreciate the comment as usual. I am currently doing better than when I wrote the comment you replied to.

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