Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20200103) no PMO
    Day 3 (20200103) no illicit browsing

    “Long boring day.” Work is frustrating. I feel that nothing ever improves; I give my input when it is requested, and no one ever acts on it, and then they come to me with the eventual consequences. There is still a part of me that believes that every hardship I encounter is a trial meant to push me in the direction of taking control of my life.

    Short day. After work, went to eat, went home to cook some rice to pack, and am going to bed roughly by 18:40. Waking up for 3:00AM work is a tight turnaround. I hope I’ll have enough energy after work to make up my gym session tomorrow.

    I still feel some of the energy of the New Year. I feel like there’s a void, an opportunity or vague sense of optimism, that I haven’t exploited with willpower. I need to start taking advantage of my life.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20200104) no PMO
    Day 4 (20200104) no illicit browsing

    Went to bed last night, many hours before I usually do. The body needs time to adjust to these kinds of things; I fell asleep for 1.5-2 hours, then woke up and was restless for most of the night. I managed to start drifting in and out of sleep around the time my alarms were going off, and almost slept through them.

    I jerked off to try and get myself back to sleep. Not a disaster in itself, but I really do not want this to spiral into more drastic behavior
    .

    “Long boring day.” Parts of the day went faster than normal, and parts went slower, but it was of no consequence. I had this intense feeling of irritation all day; during the downtime, I scrambled from thing to thing, but nothing satisfied. I felt like there was something that I needed to be spending my time doing/reading, but I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Even after work, the discomfort remained.

    When I was finishing up my scheduled work at 11:00AM, when nearly everyone else was getting off as well, I realized that some of the people in the building were setting up new projects to stuff more work into the company’s “closed” hours. I have a feeling that if I had asked any of my superiors, they would have told me I had to stay. So I didn’t ask. I just packed up and left. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live a normal life with the kinds of schedule they’ve been asking of me recently. It’s never enough; whenever I extend my working hours, I find out a few hours later that they expect even more from me. So I took a mild risk leaving at 11:00AM, but I don’t think anyone will notice.

    After work, I took a shower—a long, hot shower for the first time since Wednesday—and it felt fantastic. The shave afterwards as well; sometimes you realize that the little things in life could feel truly great. I went to the bank to get quarters (laundry), ate at Chipotle (first time in a while I revisited this Saturday afternoon mainstay), went to the library, and eventually went back to the mattress store and ordered that firm Twin XL one that I was looking at the other day. It will be next Sunday when they have an actual opportunity to deliver it.

    I forgot what else I meant to say about today.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.25/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20200105) no PMO
    Day 5 (20200105) no illict browsing

    Woke up and got out of bed past noon, already with a headache. I responded by immediately downing some caffeine, but it wouldn’t be enough, and I’d have to repeatedly consume more in order to minimize the withdrawal effects. My addiction to caffeine has truly gotten a lot worse.

    Wake/groceries/meal/library/laundry. Normal Sunday.

    The modem I asked for as a Christmas gift arrived today. I hope to get the internet up and running by the end of this week. I don’t know if I’ll need an appointment for the experts to come and set it up, of if they just do that for people who are bad with computer stuff.

    Weekly goals (I don’t know if weekly goals are going to be a permanent part of 2020, but I do have some for this week):
    1) Clean up apartment by Sunday, so I’ll be ready to move the mattress in and make a new layout for my bedroom. I’d like to start decorating and making this place look mine in the following week(s). Get new sheets, whatever else. Contact the landlord about that weird HOT WHEELS light switch cover that seems to be cemented to the wall.
    2) Finish and finalize 2020 resolutions document, and get it posted on YBR. Also make a copy in my phone’s notes so I can carry it around with me.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
     
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20200106) no PMO
    Day 6 (20200106) no illicit browsing

    “Long boring day.” I was experiencing some small degrees of caffeine withdrawal all day, and felt sad (not angry) as a result. Something that’s been on my mind—and this might sound a little strange to anyone reading this, it still sounds strange to myself—is the tragedy of Qassem Soleimani’s death. This is a man I didn’t even know of a few days ago, but every detail I learn about the event, I get more disappointed. I see the massive crowds gathered at his funeral, and realize there is no one in our culture who has the same pull—and even if there was, I wouldn’t feel involved because I feel so alienated. I see the Iranians experiencing humiliation and deciding not to strike back in a major way, to avoid war. I imagine how impotent they must feel, but I realize that Americans feel the same way. We’ve been dragged into these wars for decades, and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. My mind spun (well, as much as it could spin in a caffeine withdrawn state). I thought about it, and I couldn’t really come up with any aspect of this society that made me feel hopeful.

    Something happened to my back last night. I was just sitting down in my camping chair, and it suddenly felt like I pulled a muscle in my back. It felt like that kind of tension that is sometimes fixed by stretching (the rotational kind of stretch), but it won’t go away. I don’t think it’s anything movement-related, because I hadn’t been very active yesterday (just some light walking around) and hadn’t been to the gym in 4 days. It’s not bad, I just hope it resolves itself fast enough to not interfere with another gym session, whatever it is.

    Weekly goals: 1) I did a bit of cleaning, not too much 2) thought but didn’t write. I do feel a bit of restlessness, a feeling that I am not capitalizing on the new year as much as I could be. Like what I said on Halloween, it just doesn’t feel like that. The unseasonably warm weather also contributes.
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 1.75/10
     
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20200107) no PMO
    Day 7 (20200107) no illicit browsing

    “Long boring day.” It was an especially slow day, a day when a lot of things went wrong which alleviated a lot of the work I would normally do. In the past, I might be pleased about this. Now, however, it just makes me worry about if/how much work I can expect on Saturday. Throughout the day, I experienced a lot of cravings/flashbacks to porn images I used to look at. It was like I was back in one of the first months of recovery. Towards the end of the day, those fetishistic flashbacks were mixed with some more grounded, personal sexual thoughts. I think this is how recovery works. I can’t help but wonder if I did anything to encourage those thoughts to come back, or if this is just a part of the long process of recovery. I hope the string of relapses over the past two months haven’t set me back too much.

    After work, I dropped by the store for some stuff like mouthwash, and then went home, ate some dinner, and started the process of signing up for internet here at the apartment. I asked my parents for a modem when they asked about Christmas gift ideas; I should have asked for a modem/router combo. So I navigated the poorly-written, vague online portals, opening up new windows to try and clarify various steps. I ended up renavigating a few times, and then when I finally submitted the form that included my credit card information, it just brought me to the homepage. So I didn’t know if it went through, and I had to drive to the store to clarify. (It didn’t. I had to pay for the same thing there.) After that, I bought a router at Best Buy. As I was walking in, I saw a breaking news report on one of their big screen TV’s about Iranian missiles hitting US bases in Iraq…what a depressing sight. When I was talking to the sales lady, I had that really stiff, withdrawal-ridden style of speaking that I used to have and is rare now.

    I’ll have to activate the connection I paid for when I get the chance. I opted to do it myself to save some money on the installation costs. I hope I don’t run into any issues.

    Weekly goals: 1) didn’t have time 2) thought a bit but didn’t write
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 5/10
     
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20200108) no PMO
    Day 8 (20200108) no illicit browsing

    Was running late this morning, and ran out to my car and sped forward as much as I could to make it on time (I just narrowly succeeded). When I began the drive, I noticed that the automatic connection that the Bluetooth usually makes with my personal phone didn’t happen, and I had left my phone on the table. This first struck me as a revelation of horror: All day with no distractions? The workday is boring enough with all the distractions. Going without them would be almost painful. And I was right. But as I was thinking about it, I also realized how much value this change has: I have been waging a battle against distractions for about a decade. Nearly that entire time, I have been losing miserably. Removing the biggest source of distraction from my reach for 1/3 of the hours of the day would make a big difference. I couldn’t imagine that would have any effect other than a positive one. So what I’m seriously considering doing going forward is leaving the personal phone at home Monday-Thursday (I tend to receive more calls on Friday or Saturday, and Saturdays at work can be very slow). It’s a new decade and I’m trying to mix things up. I simultaneously anticipate more brain healing and wellness as well as obscene degrees of boredom—but the latter isn’t entirely bad, either. My ability to distract myself has contributed to stagnating in a lot of life situations I’m not satisfied with. Bring the pain.

    Other than that, I experienced a number of the same withdrawal-type symptoms as yesterday, including a brief period of blue balls. I woke up feeling not dissimilar to how I normally feel, but ended up very low energy and tired all day. I wonder if surfing the web on my phone and engaging in distractions has an energizing effect.

    After work and the gym, I came home, ate a little, and eventually went to the library to order sheets for the mattress I’ll be receiving over the weekend. As always, after going out in the evening I procrastinated and went to bed late.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) yes
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20200109) no PMO
    Day 9 (20200109) no illicit browsing

    “Long boring day.” I decided to carry this experiment forward and leave my personal phone at home for the day. The day did feel considerably longer without having my personal phone there, but it was a little less extreme than yesterday. Again, I was almost late; I find that, within the course of a single week, a single bad habit or accumulating habit will continue until I have a weekend “reset.” It remains to be seen how my new schedule, in which I basically can expect to go to work on any given Saturday (i.e. no real weekends), will affect these kinds of cycles.

    I asked someone else who has been with the company for years just to get another opinion on how often we’ll actually have a Saturday off; he said about 10 times per year. Introducing me to this kind of schedule after my rent and health insurance have become dependent on the company is truly fiendish. But I repeat myself. My best hope is for the other guy in the department, who recently got a ********* position and is not doing his work, to get fired so I can take his job, with the relaxed schedule it entails. The only problem is that that firing might take a while to come to fruition, because the department head is so lazy and negligent about these kinds of things. I wonder if there’s anything I could do to speed that process along.

    Overall mood today was bored, a little bit tired, and unstimulated. Those flashes of horniness and sexual images that happened over the past two days didn’t happen today.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes, took some old trash and stuff out 2) a bit (thinking but not writing)
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1.75/10
     
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 [LATE] (20200110)

    This is late. I did realize at the last moment before I went to bed that I hadn’t done this, but I really needed a good night of sleep, so I took a few notes down before light’s out.

    “Long boring day,” moreso than usual E V E N B Y M Y S T A N D A R D S. I was hungry through most of the day, and then later in the work day, despite eating a big lunch, started to feel that disorienting, cold-fingers hunger. At this point I started having PMO-related flashbacks, as is usual for this state. The images that came to my head were more vivid and focused than they have been lately. My gym workout after work was hard to get into but I managed to have a decent workout. I used the maximum weight on the calf raise machine, for the first time, and finished all of my sets with it. Where to go from there? After that, I ate and went to bed fairly early, getting a good night’s sleep and waking up feeling unusually fresh for Satuday morning’s work.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 5/10
     
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 11 (20200111) no PMO
    Day 11 (20200111) no illicit browsing

    Woke up feeling pretty refreshed from a good night’s sleep (7+ hours of good quality sleep; I could use some more, but it felt good). “Long boring day.” Work was as slow as most Saturdays are, and I was particularly scatterbrained. I had substantially less caffeine than usual, so that makes sense. After work, I had some food, and came home to do this whole internet installation thing. I opted not to have someone come over to help, and just to do it myself to save a few bucks. It was not difficult to do (at least, the steps so far) but the instructions were not very clear so it took a while. After that, I spent a few hours on the web: Surfing the web, listening to podcasts, talking to people on Discord. A lot of evenings and nights have slipped away with me doing this kind of thing. Way too many, in fact. I have really been flourishing being in a living situation without internet at home for a certain number of months. It’s something that tends to seep into every corner of my life until I have trouble enjoying any given moment. I’m going to have to set strong limits on my home internet use. I don’t want to see another decade slip by to escapism. New decade, new behaviors.

    Mattress delivery tomorrow between 12:30 and 14:30. Will have to clean this apartment up to prepare. New home arrangements are always good for new habits as well.

    Weekly goals: 1) 2)
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 12 (20200112) no PMO
    Day 0 (20200112) no illicit browsing

    Woke up past 11:00 this morning, with a heavy headache, gulped down some caffeine and sped out to the grocery store to get my shopping done before the scheduled mattress delivery window. I got back just in time. The spring board setup was surprisingly fast and simple. I tipped the two guys before they left—I’m not sure if I was expected to, but they seemed grateful. After that, most of the rest of the day was dedicated to somewhat distracted cleaning up of the apartment. I finished about half (the kitchen and adjacent area). I still need to clean up my room and the bathroom. Home internet access was a real distraction, as expected.

    I reset my counter for illicit browsing. It was just some surfing on the web I did this morning, right after the alarm rang. Brief, and nothing too explicit, but I should count it.

    As always, the weekend with work on Saturday felt fast and unsatisfying, but I think that I could improve this a bit by revamping my weekend routine. I felt this evening that is hard to explain but disturbed me a great deal. Throughout the past few years, I have struggled with incorporating the kind of mentality that helps me be functional and keep a job with the kind of mentality that helps me succeed in creative pursuits. The former has been winning out, but the two coexist, ebbing and flowing, day to day, hour to hour, week to week. No matter what state I’m in, I can feel that creative power in me, even if it is small, and not easily accessed. It’s like it is being left there for when I am in a better place for it. But today, I couldn’t feel it. I don’t know if this is due to something in my head which fluctuates, or if that spark has been wavering for so long that it is finally totally gone now. Am I…dead?

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 13 (20200113) no PMO
    Day 1 (20200113) no illicit browsing

    Woke up exhausted, after less than four hours of sleep. Even for a Sunday night/Monday morning for me, that’s pretty low. Getting out of bed was hard and I ended up late to work. I also had that weird back ache that I mentioned from last week. I hope my new mattress isn’t a part of that.

    “Long boring day.” I left my personal phone at home again. That definitely made the day longer, but I’m getting used to it. It’s too good of a habit to drop, to be honest. My zoning out habits need to be attacked on all fronts. Weight has stagnated again. I need to eat more…somehow.

    I made a note to myself to think over that thing I had wrote about in yesterday’s journal. My head just wasn’t there. I hope tomorrow will give me more insight. I think it’s possible this is all a part of sleep deprivation, schedule changes, etc…but I’m still worried it’s not. I don’t know what to do. I worried many times today if that side of me just died.

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 14 (20200114) no PMO
    Day 2 (20200114) no illicit browsing

    Woke up feeling unusually refreshed. Getting out of bed is a little harder when you have a comfy bed to get out of (and the weighted blanket I got for Christmas helps). “Long boring day.” It was a long day, a boring day. I did hear a rumor from a coworker that the higher-ups have been discussing new stuff I could do. It wasn’t clear to him if that meant more duties in the same position (yikes) or if a new position is opening up (good, very good). The latter (probably) would be a great new change that would help me with the establishment of a new schedule/set of routines like I’ve been meaning to do.

    After work, I just went home and didn’t have anything major to do for the first time in…I don’t know how long, but it feels like it’s the first time in ages that I’ve had an evening this relaxed. Regarding what I’ve felt over the past few days, today I felt less panic and more relaxation. I’ve felt that I don’t have to sort everything out immediately, that I could take my time.

    Weekly goals: A little late for these
    Mood: 5/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear you're back man.
     
    Ereignis likes this.
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I want to try and get caught up on posting the old entries to my journal and get back into the community here within a few days.

    I think not engaging here, and just writing/saving undetailed entries each night as part of a habit, is part of why the last few months have not gone as well as they could have for me.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 15 (20200115) no PMO
    Day 3 (20200115) no illicit browsing

    Got closely scrutinized by one of my superiors for a lot of things I did today, to a degree that is completely unnecessary for either of our jobs and makes me wonder if she has it in for me. “Long boring day.” Today was really an unusual day in how little distraction was present; not only did I leave my phone at home, but I also didn’t screw off in the office almost at all. There was an irritating aspect to it, and a tiring aspect (interesting things energize me), but I think over the past few days, my head is starting to get noticeably clearer because I’m not rapidly shifting my attention to different things as much. I wonder if the general lack of distractions will also help me avoid PMO.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 16 (20200116) no PMO
    Day 4 (20200116) no illicit browsing

    Woke up in the early morning, a few hours before my alarm was set to go off, with a painfully empty stomach. First time in a month or two, I think (I mentioned it in a previous daily entry at least once). Managed to get back to sleep, and slept in a little too long (this new bed is just too comfortable!). “Long boring day.” It was another day where I was busier than normal, and the lack of the standard daily distractions (phone at home) was very apparent—but I still did feel that distinct mental calm of not having my head overstimulated. Yawning a lot lately, and cutting back on caffeine relative to the last few weeks (very slowly). Singing lesson went fine, despite a very dry mouth. I think that’s a good sign—a year a go, a dry mouth would have ruined my session.

    I realize that some of my last few entries have been less useful than normal and not very descriptive. I haven’t been jotting down notes over the course of the day like I did for much of 2019. But beyond that, I just don’t have much to say. The “mental calm” I’ve been experiencing for the last few days has revealed an underutilized brain. It has been relaxing, but I need to use this brain to start achieving my goals, every day. I keep saying that I will do this, but this is my real chance.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 17 (20200117) no PMO
    Day 5 (20200117) no illicit browsing

    Just a few minutes after I got to work, I snapped at a coworker and shouted an answer to a question he was asking me. He’s not someone who’s ever been rude to me, but he never shuts up, and experiencing this first thing in the morning for months on end, ever day he’s not distracted in a different office/room, has really gotten to me. I hope he takes the hint without feeling any hostility going forward. “Long boring day.” Eating was the same story as I’ve been saying over the past weeks: Ate as much as I ever have, if not more, but got symptoms of being very underfed towards the end of the day. The anxiety, feelings of weakness, the PMO-related imagery in my head, and, towards the very end, the cold hands. This is getting tiresome.

    Gym session wasn’t terrible, but was very frustrating. I’ve been stalling on certain exercises for a long time. I’m sure my failure to gain weight has a lot to do with it, and insufficient sleep probably is a factor as well. This was one thing factor in a brief fit of rage I had this evening, in which I smashed up my razor.

    I have tomorrow off for the first time in recent memory. I don’t really remember the last time I really enjoyed a free weekend, which leads to anxiety about whether I am making the most out of my time. It’s really a miserable, disgusting reality: The 9-5 life I am living makes the weekdays miserable, but also makes the weekends miserable in large part as well. The shadow of Monday-Friday is cast on everything, and the only time I can even begin to genuinely enjoy myself is on vacations, which might be two weeks out of the year (on a good year). It’s all filth, disgusting.

    And now it’s already past 2:00AM. I stayed up this late without good reason, as is usually the case. The same issue I’ve had for as long as I could remember. Will I be able to shift my sleep schedule enough hours to get a good night’s sleep, and wake up fully rested tomorrow? I guess time will tell…

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
     
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    2020 New Year’s Resolutions

    I’m trying something a little different this year. On the eve of New Year’s, each year, I used to post a running gag on Facebook. “Now that [2019, 2018, 2017…] is about to begin, it’s really time for me to start working on these 2014 New Year’s Resolutions.” What I did each year was try and accomplish a lot of things by tackling on my major personal problems that contributed to other problems: Time management/procrastination. At different years, I made goals with varying levels of specificity. I found that they never worked, because they overestimated my discipline (admittedly a little stronger now; a little) and were too inflexible. What I’m doing in 2020 is much different.

    My main goal is to have as many dreams as possible, as vividly as possible
    . I don’t mean that in some broad metaphorical way, but in the literal sense. Wake up remembering dreams, and (if this is possible) foster healthy and meaningful dreams to the best extent I can.

    I have a few more minor goals. I think their simplicity will make them more practical than the NYR’s of bygone years:

    -Take better care of my skin. I am turning 30 this year. I still get told I look a lot younger than my actual age, without much effort, and it is something I am growing to appreciate. I would like to end 2020 looking better than I look now. I need to work on the scars on my shoulders/back, especially.

    -Read more. Audiobooks, paper books, whatever. I read a lot less in 2019 than I would like to. I need to keep my mind active.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    You've inspired me to get myself some really good face moisturizer and face wash products today at the store. I'm going to take more care of my skin for the next month and see if there is an impact. It's a great simple goal.

    Hope you're doing all right man !
     
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Thanks. I still have a lot of reading to do on this topic.
     

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