Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm subconsciously sabotaging my efforts at becoming bored and present, or if I just have these strong habits towards filling up all my time with some kind of stimulation. I'm a pain-eating machine, though, so I think I can handle it. I read a lot of that kind of stuff at one point. Looking at things in a non-judgmental way helps, but can also become a crutch of sorts.

    Thanks for the vacation wish.
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 110

    Had a hard time getting out of bed today. Didn't have time for a shower, so I just rinsed my hair off (I've done this a few times over the past few weeks), packed lunch and ran out to the car. "Long boring day," with the anticipation of vacation making it feel longer than ever. Work was a little sparse (people are still dealing with the machine explosion from earlier this week, which will probably take 6+ weeks to repair).

    Today was my birthday. A few people said some wishes; I wish everyone just forgot about it. Didn't do anything out of the ordinary other than packing, but there was a feeling that I haven't had in relation to a vacation in a while. Sort of like the butterflies, that lightness and activation in the lower abdomen. I've mentioned it in this journal before, and it was brief. I feel like I've really earned this vacation, and it might even be fun. Even if it is not, I've got plenty of things ahead of me in the near future. I'm starting to be as busy as I want to be, busy in a good way. As I was leaving, I had the weird feeling like I was forgetting about something important and that I'd have to rush back to take care of it. That's a feeling that has not been uncommon in my life (frequently justified by my bad procrastination and forgetfulness), but it has been becoming more and more frequent over the past few weeks.

    Workout went terribly. I was extremely weak. I think it was caffeine withdrawal, mostly. After all that, I procrastinated late into the night, just like I said I wouldn't.

    Weekly goals: #1 complete. #2 I've been passively bored but not actively. I wasted quite a bit of time today, both in work and after. Fail. #3 no, I'm packing up at the last minute. Fail.
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 4/10
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 110 continued

    I realize I'm quite late for my 81-100 20-Day Review. I might post it when I get back, or it might be too late at that point. I think if I posted that update, though, it would be a little more optimistic than the last.
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 111

    I was too tired for an update yesterday, but here's what my dumbass didn't realize: My flight is Sunday morning, not Saturday morning. So I had a free day with nothing planned. I started off by eating some of the little remaining food I had left (I tried to clean out the refrigerator yesterday). I wasted time on the computer, then got out at 7PM to eat at Chipotle, dropped by the mall for some flavored tea, then soon after made my way back home. I did nothing other than spend time surfing then internet, aside from a quick packing check.

    My caffeine habit has re-escalated (again) to the point of being dysfunctional. When I woke up, around noon, I was already withdrawing and starting to get a headache; I quickly ingested some caffiene, but withdrawal symptoms are slow to go. Then there was a substantial period where I was feeling the effects of too much and too little simultaneously. Ugh. I really hope this doesn't ruin my trip. I will have to be careful to stay on a consistent sleep schedule.

    Something that I have noticed before but was particularly clear today: My life will not be fixed until I have a habit, almost an instinct, to do things that are meaningful to me. That means not just screwing around all day whenever I have free time. That means creative activity, and to a lesser extent self-care. Implementing things via weekly goals can only be an intermediate step to attaining that life I want.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 6/10
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 112 (on mobile)

    Travel was standard air fare, with a 2 hour layover. I finally arrived in the final airport at 3 or 4 PM. I dropped my stuff off at my host’s home, and we headed out to the pool hall to play some pool and meet his friends. I usually don’t enjoy that kind of thing but these seem like people I could get along with. We stayed out until about midnight. I even had a few drinks.

    The thought of PMO occurred to me in a sort of detached way today. It honestly struck me as absurd. That sort of thing is such an insane waste when I am actually enjoying myself. Just some food for thought.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 7/10
    Libido: 4.25/10
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I didn't stop making these entries during my trip, I just had so much trouble with the YBR mobile site that I decided to just make text files on my phone and copy them over.
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 113 (on mobile)

    Woke up and looked in the mirror. I looked like hell. I really looked like I had aged 15 years overnight, with big purple bags under my eyes an extremely puffy face. I guess that's what a night of bar food and beer does to me when I'm not used to it. It had nearly subsided within a few hours.

    We went to [host's friend's place] to play video games and listen to music for a while and then we ended up hanging out at a bar, drinking and socializing. They're people I vibe with well. I don't know why I have trouble finding people like this on my own. I drank remarkably little caffeine today but felt almost zero withdrawal symptoms. Not sure how that worked. So far we haven't had much time for the in-depth philosophical conversations we usually enjoy but we have a few more days.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 6.25/10
    Libido: 4/10
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2019
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 114 (on mobile)

    Woke up in the late morning. Slept on a bed for the first time in 8 months last night, and felt good, despite some sleep disturbances. Ate breakfast with [host] and his father. Something I've noticed is that, despite having a less healthy diet the past few days, my body acne is clearing up noticeably. I am guessing the elimination of something in the diet is responsible.

    Went to [host's] friend's house again and chilled for most of the day. Eventually we left and ate a big meal at a local Chinese place, and [host] got a call about a job interview, so we returned home and finished the day early. He'll head out tomorrow, while I'm still asleep, and we'll do something after that. My mind is split about my vacation so far; on one hand, I've enjoyed myself and got a lot of benefits out of having these abnormal days. On the other hand, part of me feels like we've just been too relaxed. I usually like trying to book every moment of vacation time to do and see as much as possible. But I think the guys just aren't ambitious like I am. Time is moving fast, though. Things feel a lot quieter than when I was here last time.

    I've spent a few hours surfing the web on my phone. I want to sleep until the late morning, regardless of when [host] finishes. I don't usually enjoy days with early mornings. I drank a lot of caffeine in the morning and then just coasted. I did have a touch of coffee as well, ending my 328 day streak. No spike in energy, really. I'm not sure why I'm so much less sensitive to it the past few days; more "natural" dopamine via socializing, maybe? Sex drive is heavy and frustrating tonight. I really want to fap.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 6.25/10
    Libido: 6.25/10
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 115 (on mobile)

    Woke up. [Host] was leaving for a job interview, so I stayed and ate breakfast with his father. We went to the city park to talk for about an hour. Eventually we returned, and friend+[host]'s brother came over, and a social occasion was had. I was a little nervous because I never enjoy these family get togethers among my own family but I kind of appreciated the wholesome vibe. I want to make a happy family where this sort of thing is possible. The day ended up at the pool hall, where we had a few drinks and eventually said some goodbyes.

    I was [host]'s birthday. I didn't even realize that until the evening. I suspect he was trying to keep that quiet, just like I had been. (His mother showed up at the pool hall briefly to wish him a happy birthday. She recognized me from an overnight stay 9 years ago, and we said hello.)

    Had two cigarettes today. It has been about 13 months since the last. Smoking had been a regular habit for me, and then an on-and-off habit for even longer. I got a mild buzz from the ciggs but didn't enjoy it much. I think it is safe to say I am no longer addicted to smoking. I will probably never smoke again.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 7/10
    Libido: 6.5/10
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 116 (on mobile)

    Woke up around 9, ate, and left for the airport soon after. I will miss visiting my old friend and making new ones. Airport was basically empty, not a single person in front of me in the security line. That, plus the layover, meant that I spent much of today (75%) bored at airports. Mom picked me up when I finally got home, around dinner time.

    We stopped by Walmart for groceries, and the combination of that woman and the general atmosphere there (some teenager mean-mugging me for whatever-the-fuck reason, welcome home) helped the depression set in almost immediately. After dinner, we cruised around the area for about an hour, looking at the new developments (read: McMansions). Hideous. I really think that I was building some long-term momentum from the previous part of my trip: The massive break from routine (how much fun like that have I had in...years...not sure exactly how long), the joy, the spontaneity, the social connections. Will a depression 2nd half of the trip like this ruin it? Not sure. Stay tuned.

    Ate too much again today (I think). Worried about having ruined my cut this week. I need to cut more aggressively; it's just too slow.

    Coffee was something that I alluded to earlier this week. What I meant to say is that, while it was a bad habit that I want out of my life, treating it as a symbol of liberation from a slave's life was premature. I am still addicted to caffeine and coffee is one of the healthier ways to ingest it. Bite the pain, drink the coffee. Save energy drinks for when I'm actually having fun.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 3.75/10
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 117 (on mobile)

    Woke up after about 6 hours of poor-quality sleep. Felt it all day. It's probably from not getting much physical activity. I was expecting for mom to spend the morning through early afternoon at her appointments, but she rescheduled them all. So there goes whatever relaxing privacy I could expect from today. I spent a few hours pretending to be asleep, but after that the day became predictably miserable. Mom is worse than ever: Pushy, ravenously greedy in her expectations of everyone around her, whiny, dysfunctional, and as devoid of any self-awareness or responsibility as ever. So as I notice everything in this area seems deadly efficient at making me depressed, she has upped her game in that regard as well. FML.

    As a follow-up to the posts from a few days ago: All the sudden, I'm hypersensitive to changes in caffeine consumption again. Almost overnight. It truly must be lifestyle/dopamine habits (especially socializing/isolation). Very interesting. This will be useful information going forward.

    An idea occurred to me for the first time today: That these journal entries are pointless. I don't really believe that personally, but I have seen a decline in their usefulness. I have not decided how long I will sustain the habit.

    Weekly habits: N/A
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 5/10
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2019
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 118 (on mobile)

    Woke up late. Mom was going to a funeral so I was alone in the house while I ate. I started to notice how poorly kept the house, and especially the yard, has been. Eventually she got back and we departed for a few errands.

    Mom is completely incoherent. She has always been a bad listener, but this is on a different level. She can't have a normal conversation anymore, and most of what she says to me resembles talking to herself. As the the day wrapped up, I started getting headaches, stomachaches and diarrhea. We rushed home and I needed more time than usual-nearly the entire rest of the day-to recover mentally. It was the most exhausting social event I can remember that didn't involve humiliation.

    I can't be too bold in today's interpretations, because I have had these symptoms before (food), but the stark comparison between how I am doing today and how I was a few days ago sticks out. Maybe it really is just my heart's well-being manifesting itself in my body. I've certainly experienced stranger things. I also had a pretty intense urge to fap today, which is something that usually accompanies sickness.

    I need to incorporate walking (in silence) back into my life. It is therapeutic and a great stimulus for creativity. There isn't really anywhere to walk around my current apartment.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.25/10
    Libido: 6.5/10
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (day 119 since I started this journal)

    Got up after about 3 hours of sleep-the third consecutive night of insufficient/poor sleep, which I already felt quite bad about-to go to the airport for the trip back. My head was either in a headache or in an uncomfortable, pre-headache state all day long. The plan ride was short, but I kept looking at my watch and could not coherently think about time. I drifted in and out of sleep.

    I got a Lyft ride back to my place and arrived home around noon. For some reason I have never fully understood, whenever I get back from a vacation, the first day is extremely rough, and I indulge in my habits to an even more obsessive degree than I do on normal days. After a few hours of surfing the internet and unmotivated unpacking, I felt too awful to think straight: Overstimulated, exhausted from the lack of sleep, and unusually hungry (drastically underfed for 2+ days). I was in an almost zombie-like state when I saw one of my triggers online. (It wasn't something conventionally pornographic, but a trigger for one of my fetishes.) My heart raced faster than it has since day 1, and for a split second, I controlled myself. Then I had a second head rush, and as a lightness engulfed my head and a warm sensation the skin of my cheeks and ears, and I visited a few websites that I used to PMO to. I relapsed two times in short succession.

    The aftershock of PMO has not been something I've experienced for a while but still feels all too familiar. Urges to visit/revisit sites I used to PMO to; not vague desires to look at inappropriate material but specific websites/keywords. The lack of focus. Seeing the hours fly by with lowered awareness. Forgetfulness. Not caring about anything. The loss of appetite. And so on.

    The classic meme about NoFap was the 90-Day Challenge. Many people expanded that in intervals of 30 (120, 150, 180...) as milestones to mark. I knew from the beginning that my addiction is worse than some, so I've always had that 120 number in the back of my head. I felt like, no matter what happened, if I made it to day 120, I had the strength to recover from this addiction. Today, I relapsed on day 119. That's a long time, a big chunk of the year. About 4 months. I think there's going to be a lot of frustration about this, I'm just not feeling it yet. I hope that frustration doesn't become the seed of a binge.

    I c0uld still make this a defining moment in recovery. I always binged when I PMO'd in the past. If I don't binge this time, I have changed the game.

    I will be repeating day 1, day 2, day 10, day 30, day 90...I do not want to do it but that's the path that's in front of me at this point. I fear feeling less motivated to continue since I will not be breaking new ground. But that's all there is to do this time. And to do it better than last time, to the extent that this is possible. When I have failed to meet my own standards, I try to be humble. I think that's the appropriate response.

    I shall remain humble until I hit 120 days on December 9, 2019.
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 continued

    Weekly goals:

    1) Don't binge. Be very careful and avoid anything that might be a trigger. Avoid aimless time on the computer and phone. Do productive/enriching things (especially reading, playing guitar). Go to bed early rather than aimlessly wander around.
    2) Embrace boredom, like I did before. I think I can do better this time, especially around dinner time.
    3) Candida cleanse, starting either Friday evening or Saturday morning. As planned. Some more research might be helpful in the meantime.
    4) Permanently delete Facebook profile this week. I don't need it anymore.

    Mood: 1/10
    Libido: 7.5/10
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1

    Sometimes people talk about how things feel surreal when they return to their routine after a change of pace. I've never experienced that. In fact, sometimes it's almost spooky how easily and automatically I shift back into the old habits. Today was one of those days.

    All of the BS paperwork the boss has been stacking up for me to do hasn't let up at all. My standing supervisor has talked about managing it, changing it, then...nothing happened. She acquiesced. Now she acts like it was always a reasonable thing for me to do. To take a job that I thought would be decent, then turn me to actually HATING IT in just a few weeks, that's what they've done.

    In the past, the first few days after a relapse could be extremely rough, emotionally and cognitively. Today wasn't nearly as bad in those respects. I am semi-coherent and focused enough to be useful. I have felt some cravings to do inappropriate/risky behavior, but not as intense in the past (so far). But I mostly just feel apprehensive and fearful about what is possible. I proved that I am capable of relapse still, and everything seems shaky. My sex drive is nearly inexistent today, so I might have reentered a relapse. I don't completely trust myself. Whatever support I can get, now is the time.

    The best I can do at this point is try and ensure that the next time I hit 119, on December 8, I will have made even more progress in my recovery and in my life than I did last time.

    Weekly goals: 1) So far so good. 2) Failed, especially this evening. 3) Not yet. 4) Not yet.
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 continued

    Weighed myself at the gym: It's true, apparently I have regained some of the weight I lost on my cut in the past week or two before the trip. I had a hard workout today and told myself I would make it count by getting a good night's sleep, but that's already fucked. I can't even express how much frustration I feel over this tiny little aspect of my life. It's a problem that never gets solved.
  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you have slipped off. Dealing with slipping off a strong streak is obviously tricky. I hope you won't be too hard on yourself and find some new lessons in the current days to guide you forward. At this point I can only say the stuff you probably know as well. You are far from being back on day 0. You've done a lot of progress and effort to improve yourself. Also, coming back from a trip is always a tricky thing, especially the first day or two. In my case I have often binged when I was away and got back home, even if it was just a weekend getaway. It's something I've also seen on various journals here. I think it has to do with the stress that was repressed during the trip, with the being more tired and sometimes with drinking while on the trip (activating the dopamine circuit). One thing that I find helps (a bit not totally) is to anticipate this as much as possible. To know for a fact that when I come back from a trip the odds of using porn are amplified greatly for a day or two and if I manage to pass those 2 days somehow, and build the routine back, then I'll stabilize and the odds of using porn will decrease.

    Who knows, maybe the lesson here is to show yourself how you're getting better at handling a "relapse".

    Good luck onward !
    Ereignis and occams_razor like this.
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Thanks for your comment.

    Good to know. I will have to be more careful next time.

    This is a nice spin on things. I will try and keep this in mind going forward.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2

    Woke up from insufficient sleep and felt major wrist/shoulder impingement throughout most of the morning. I haven't thought about it much, but these two things seem to be correlated. Something to keep in mind, and maybe try to avoid bad sleep positions. "Long boring day." Today was very, very, very slow. I don't know how many ways I could say it but it was really among the worst days I've had there. There were times where I really wondered how it was possible that it was only in the late morning. I had a last-minute meeting with the big boss about hte BS paperwork he's been having people in my position do. I expected him to be angry and hostile like how people talk about him, but he was actually calm and professional. But the bottom line is the BS paperwork is going to stay. FML.

    I noticed today that a lot of the more intense, vivid fetishistic ideas returned to me. Even ones that I haven't seen for a while. Something I noticed as I relapsed is that I couldn't remember certain names and web addresses that I used to PMO to, which is a good thing, because it means that my brain is moving past that part of my life. But some of those names did come back to me randomly today. Apparently I need more than 119 days away to really forget about them.

    There's old ground to be retread. The ideas I had today are similar to what I experienced in the first few weeks last time. I've heard that if you don't binge too much you'll blow through this period at a high speed, which I hope is true.

    Weekly goals: 1) So far so good. 2) Sort of did this tonight, not as much as I meant to. Good for a fatigued day. 3) Not yet. 4) Not yet.
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 5/10
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 continued

    What I have not done is get back into the apartment search. I put that on hold for the vacation and need to resume it.

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