Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 95

    "Long boring day." Today didn't have a lot of work in terms of jobs that were being processed, but the big boss decided I had to start filling out extensive forms for every mundane thing I did. Hopefully I could get that rescinded next week. Some sex drive was present: Sexual thoughts/images occurred to me, but weren't distracting. Stairmaster and hamstring curls at the gym, quick session felt good but I think the Coca-Cola can I drank earlier slowed me down a bit.

    I did manage to get through my gym session and dinner a little faster than usual and managed to even pull the guitar out of a few minutes. I will be getting close to 7 hours of sleep tonight.

    Weekly goals: #1 30 minutes. I'm worried about how little of the audiobooks I've been absorbing, although today wasn't bad. #2, got a little more sleep than usual last night and will get even more tonight. #3, not really. Very mentally busy today.
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 4/10
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 96

    Work today was similar to yesterday. More energetic due to getting more sleep. More calm, present energy than usual. Gym session pretty good. messed up my recent order, so I spent over an hour after I got home on the pohne with their customer service trying to deal with an issue I've had before, to no avail. Boners are popping up a lot today, mostly randomly, but occasionally when I daydream about sex. I seems like that reaction is becoming more sensitive.

    Weekly goals: #1 either fail or (more likely) N/A on a Friday evening, as I said last week. #2 success. #3 gave it some thought, nothing concrete yet.
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 4.75/10
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 97

    Woke up in the late morning, ate, went to the bank to get a direct deposit form for the new job, ate some more at Chipotle, then ran a few errands before returning home. It was that awkward time of day (~4PM) where the day isn't exactly young, but if you don't move forward fairly quickly, your day will be finished before you know it. I wasted most of the rest of my day cleaning my room and doing nothing else in particular. Sex drive is notably present and the sexual ideas that are occurring to me feel very "natural."

    Something that has been a blip on my radar a number of times, but has come into focus over the last few weeks, is that candida overgrowth may be a factor, even the main factor, in my digestive symptoms. The telltale sign, the white coat on the tongue, is something I've seen for most of my life, and I spend about as much time cleaning my tongue as my teeth. There are a few non-prescription items on Amazon that seem to be well reviewed as a way of treating it. I'll order one this week, then wait until the weekend to try it out (because some people have said that there can be some rough symptoms for about two days as you begin the process). If this is even a fraction as significant as LDN has been, it will be an enormous benefit in my life.

    This evening, I decided on a whim to search for if there are any video arcades left. I was in a slightly nostalgic mood, and I remember vividly wanting to visit them as a child (parents wouldn't let me, but I could still recognize a lot of them visually). Apparently one of the biggest remaining ones in the world was just 20 minutes up the street, and open late. I went up there at around 10PM and spent a few hours. It was a great time, like living in the late 90's/early 00's again (although a lot of the games there were much older than I am). Next time, I need to go earlier, and spend the better part of a day there to not feel like I'm missing out on anything. I don't really regret "objectively" not getting much done today.

    When I arrived home, I had a suspicion from last weekend confirmed: My street now has more people than parking spaces. So there will be times you arrive home (usually late at night) and there is not a single place to park. This is a bad thing for people like me who like to stay out late. I had to just park in the next street over tonight. I hope I don't get ticketed.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 5/10
    Libido: 6/10
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 98

    Woke up about noon, with a headache. I've gotten caffeine withdrawal headaches upon waking up before, but only at the worst states of dependence. My schedule recently has been too consistent for me to have to worry about that. I left and immediately grabbed some fast food at got groceries. After I returned, I didn't end up accomplishing anything other than a load of laundry and some (light) research on candidiasis. Just another (very) lazy Sunday.

    At this point, I am intent on doing something to try and deal with the candida (suspected) issue. I just have to do a little more research to see if I should wait until the weekend to do it, or if it is more drastic and I should wait until after my (week of August 4) vacation to deal with it.

    This weekend was a failure with a bit of fun thrown in. For the past two or three days, I've felt a change in my mood towards something that feels inexplicably "natural"; I'm just more present mentally and sexually. I have felt my sexuality inside my body more, which is something I mentioned early in this rebooting process but has not happened recently. It is clear to me that changes are still happening in my body. Today, I've noticed certain sexual fantasies (not porn-induced) coming back after many, many years of dormancy. This new feeling is on/off, though, not consistent.

    Weekly goals:
    #1 Learning. Do the research on those questions (about the candida cleanse in particular, about vocal melodies, and about vulnerability), and listen to audiobooks during dinner if you have extra time. Take Wednesday and Friday off as needed.
    #2 Another week of healing. Focus on rest, and just a little bit of
    #3 Consider habits, and if there's anything else that can be done to change the schedule up and shake me from my apathy.

    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 5.5/10
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 99

    "Long boring day." A coworker was absent so I stayed 2 hours longer than usual to make up for him. At least the traffic was a little lighter going home. Recovering from minimal sleep, caffeine jitters, the usual Monday story. After I got back, I went to the gym long enough just to take my weight and do a single exercise before returning home and eating/preparing for bed. Coming home at a slightly different time and having to dodge two roommates who both want to eat their dinners (they eat a lot less than me, thankfully) made me particularly want to move out and live on my own.

    The calm, as well as the well-integrated and tame sexuality I felt over the past few days were kind of reversed today. It's a part of recovery, I think it's just how these things go. I had some fetishistic thoughts that hadn't occurred to me in weeks come back. I also had a bizarre, difficult to describe unease, dissimilar to anything I'm used to feeling. It was something like that feeling when I'm about to leave work and feel I still have something to do, but pervasive, like that applies to my entire life, wherever/whenever. Sort of strange but I take both of these things as signs that my brain still has changes to go through.

    I've decided that it will be best to start the candida cleanse the weekend after vacation. I'm eager to do it, so it's a disappointment, but from what I've read, I can expect a few days of serious symptoms and up to a few weeks of lighter symptoms. It's best to start that kind of thing when I have maximal time to rest, get sick if I need to, take however much time to myself I can, and eat whatever I need. Just another thing to look forward to, I guess.

    Weekly goals: #1 good. #2, should get decent (by my standards) sleep tonight. #3, sort of in the back of my head.
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 3.75/10
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 100

    Almost went to bed on time but I remembered I hadn't submitted an entry here.

    Woke up cranky and stiff. Lots of impingement issues like I've dealt with sporadically over the past few months in my shoulders/neck. Eyes felt dry and had big bags under them. "Long boring day." I felt completely out of it and made a lot of dumb mistakes I usually don't, like submitting the same form multiple times. My fatigue made me feel like driving was a bit dangerous (I need to stop using my phone in the car, even when I'm fully awake).

    Weekly goals: #1 good. #2 slipping away so fast goddammit. #3 dunno.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 2.75/10

    Note to self: Still need to read over payment/benefits packet again and sign up online.
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 101 (seems weird to even type a number that high)

    Went to bed a bit later than I expected last night. It's that overwhelming power of my routine I've mentioned. I try so hard to beat it but making any progress at all is so hard. Woke up two times through the night (waking up once and quickly getting back to sleep seems to be the norm at this point). Was very sleepy for the first hour or two of the day but then became quite comfortable after that.

    When I woke up one time during the night, I had a boner that I really wanted to "solve" with MO so I could get back into a comfortable sleeping position. I even reached for it before stopping myself. I don't know if this is part of the nonlinear recovery process and my sex drive coming back stronger, or if it means my discipline is slipping, or something else. I do not even know how much damage MO would do to my recovery at this point, although MO has traditionally been followed with PMO. Need to watch out.

    Something weird happened at work today that broke up the workday rhythm a bit. Apparently there was a big expensive disaster with some of the products we shipped to a local company, so everyone relevant in the company rushed out to try and deal with it. So a lot of people were out, and everything was pretty slow and quiet. Even a lot of the work that was done exclusively at HQ was either slowed or put on hold. So I got a decent amount of time to just sit in the office and surf the web on my phone, moreso than I have recently. I finished one long-form article. I used to go through a number of them a day, but just finishing one today felt like an accomplishment. I guess that shows how much my time wasting has declined at work (if only it declined out of work as much...), and how busy I have been.

    Weekly goals: #1 N/A. #2 failed, see post below. #3 yes.
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 6/10

    Note to self: One thing I should include in the next weekly goals is monitoring my voice while talking to everyone. The high-pitched nervous talking habits have come back recently.
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 101 continued

    Right as I was going to bed early my old man calls me and wants (demands) to have a long important conversation. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

    Tried so goddamned hard to get a good night's sleep this time.
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 102

    Had some urges to fap again last night. "Long boring day." Another not-too-busy day at work, but it still felt long. This week has really felt long for some reason. Lonely. Looking forward to the upcoming vacation week. Tried to stay distracted today, wasn't completely successful. Feeling a little pessimistic about the future of society. Clumsy. Fetishistic kinds of fantasies were back today. Clumsiness and those kinds of fantasies go hand in hand, it seems.

    Weekly goals: #1 yes. #2 vastly less than planned, but I've slept a little more than in the past few weeks, and should tonight. Huge fail overall. #3 always thinking. Listed something yesterday night.
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 5.5/10
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 103

    Intensely sleepy right now but I will try and keep this coherent.

    Got a little more sleep last night than I've been getting recently (6+ hours). Only the first time this week. Felt sort of fresh and energetic for the first few hours of the day, before falling down into a depressive (but functional) state. "Long boring day." I'm not sure what it was (caffeine intake, caloric intake, daily activity, etc.) but I had low energy levels throughout most of the day, and generally depressive thoughts.

    Gym session went very terribly. I failed every set of every exercise I attempted. The past two weeks (so far) were an experiment to see if I recovered faster just focusing on one exercise per day; I failed. Added cardio and the cut might have been recovery factors, I guess. 1+ year of gym experience at this point. I should get on a real beginner's program, probably 3 times a week, and use the extra time to get more sleep.

    After I got home I just crashed. More tired than I could remember being in the recent past, for reasons that aren't completely clear. I tried fiddling around on my phone, but I quickly got bored and just sat there for a while. After I motivated myself to take a shower, I just sat on the shower floor, still wet, and stared at the ceiling. Lots of things on my mind, but I didn't have the mental energy to follow them.

    After dinner (out) I kind of fell into a rabbithole of internet/social media answers of women talking about their boyfriends having visited prostitutes in the past. I was wondering what the general feelings about this would be; I was sure women in general would feel negatively towards this, but in reality they're actually mostly scathing about it. I was eager to find balanced voices. I was wondering because I personally lost my virginity to a prostitute at the age 21. I am not proud of this, per se, but I was in a place where having a loving girlfriend wasn't on the cards. If I'm in a relationship in the future and the topic of first sexual experiences comes up, should I lie? Should I just be deliberately vague and uninformative (I'm pretty good at this, and people usually are satisfied with this kind of answer)? I've become very good at playing Mr. Cool. I'm a master at hiding the thoughts and experiences that aren't socially acceptable, but it's tiring.

    I came closer to relapse today than any day in the past month (probably). Intense urges to look at specific sources that I haven't seen in 103 days. Did I do something to trigger them? These kinds of urges still make me nervous. I really don't think about PMO in my daily life much anymore.

    Weekly goals: #1 N/A, #2 FAIL, #3 too tired to think.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 6.25/10
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 104

    Woke up past noon with a caffeine withdrawal headache, and shoulder impingement on my right side. I was so exhausted last night that I didn't realize how late I would wake up as I was setting my alarm. I rushed out to the UPS store to get that Amazon package that was stored there from last week; I've been thinking about calling again to complain about the method of delivery, but I realize that if I wait too long, and UPS sent it back, it would be a major pain. When I got back, the 20mg caffeine tab wasn't enough, so I milked a can of energy drink for a while, careful not to send myself into a buzz by drinking too fast. I've found that if I reach the point where I'm getting a headache from withdrawal, getting to a place of clearheadedness will take a while, much longer than it takes to just feel the effects of a caffeinated drink. (Dehydration is similar.) So I sat around for a few hours and waited for it to subside enough to move on.

    Libido is back, and strong. I wanted a GF pretty badly, but I sort of realized that, when I'm horny, my urge is to relieve myself rather than interact with others. This is not the first time I've realized that but it was particularly apparent today. I hope that I am not close to a relapse.

    Got to Chipotle at about 19:00. Chipotle was pretty bland to begin with (and expensive, to boot), and I've been getting tired of it, but it's healthy, and it's become a part of my routine enough so that I'd have an even sadder Saturday routine without it. Then I went to the video store (again) and came home to eat some more (again, but later than usual). I considered going out to the movies, but nothing I was interested in was playing. I considered going out to the mall (too late) and then the video arcade again. But I just ended up doing nothing. What a miserable weekend. Tomorrow I'll surely sleep in, do laundry, go to the grocery store...

    Will I die this way?

    Daily habits: #1 N/A. #2 MASSIVE FAIL. #3 See below.
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 7/10

    I saw the video below a few years ago, and it's something I've thought about a number of times since then, but never really implemented. The main topic is music, and creativity, but it probably applies to general life changes as well. I think what I might need to do next week is to make sure I get bored, and I think dinnertime/the evening is a great time to do it. I definitely have been thinking about my creativity over the past few days, and how it's not quite where it has been at certain times in the past. I hope that is not just due to age, or my soul experiencing a long death. I'll think it over more tomorrow.

    EDIT: Also, resuming the apartment search. Gotta keep an eye out for if something appealing shows up.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I don't think so man. Not if you keep working hard like you are.

    Worst case scenario you'll find more and more peace and contentment in your "boredom".

    Scientifically speaking you're probably slowly regrowing your dopamine receptors, which are key for motivation - which is key for discovering what we really want and then actually start calmly going towards it. We just need to keep remembering it takes time. And try not to give addiction momentum.

    This is great stuff in my opinion. I like how you switch up the paradigm by saying "'I'll try to get bored". Bingo.

    In the same vein of accepting solitude or boredom or loneliness, @Johhny Bravo shared this helpful article on my journal. I thought it's very interesting and helpful. It's about how solitude can be a great ally for harnessing one's power and gaining clarity and authenticity within :

    I still don't do it enough. And I still forget, when I'm bored and lonely and sad that this is a chance.

    So in practice I have to improve.
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2019
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    That sounds terrible. To be honest, pretending to be content with the kind of life I'm living is one of the major causes of my current problems. That would be a long post to explain.

    I haven't had the chance to read that article yet but I do think this is a big deal for me. I talk about being "bored" a lot but I'm only really 75% bored; I am almost constantly busy or overstimulated. The feeling of "boredom" is the lack of emotional gravity that comes from not moving forward in my life goals at a satisfying pace, or not spending enough time doing things that feel important to me. I think I need "real boredom," which I'll explain a bit more in my daily entry.
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 105

    Woke up past noon, got out to the fast food-->grocery store--> library route fairly early. Got back and did laundry and some light cleaning. Broadly, it was a typical Sunday with nothing interesting happening.

    As I said in the above comment, the boredom I've been routinely mentioning in my journal entries is not a pure, complete boredom. It's more like a 75% boredom, which is busy and heavily mixed with distractions. It feels like pure boredom because I am not doing things that feel meaningful to me. So what I am going to do for this upcoming week's weekly goals will be to try and imitate my habits during a time when I was more creative and more in touch with my goals.

    I'm leaving for a 1-week vacation on Saturday. After that, I plan to resume the apartment search, which I have been neglecting for a while.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Sign up for benefits at my new job online. If I wait until after my vacation, I'll be cutting my time short.
    2) Get bored, especially after I arrive home in the evening. Don't listen to podcasts, videos (-M/R), visit any image-sharing media, etc. Listen to music, listen to audiobooks I've already started, reread Presscott/Church books (relevant parts), read books from library and return overdue ones ASAP.
    Depending on how the workweek goes, I might need additional rules for how I will conduct myself during the downtime at work. Stay tuned.
    3) Pack up for trip before the last minute. Pack light but don't forget anything. Be clear when communicating any information with people I will be visiting.

    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 4.5/10
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 106

    Hard to get out of bed from so little sleep. The first half of the day was exceptionally unpleasant (I think I was dehydrated for most of this time). I just felt irritated about everything. Everything felt like it took longer than it usually does. The second half of the day was unpleasant but went by a little faster. They say they're going to fire the 3rd shift guy, so that's some more (voluntary) overtime this week. I don't really need it but I could handle another 4 hours or so over the course of multiple days.

    Started off my gym session (1 exercise) listening to music, then tried to induce boredom by using the Stairmaster for 25 minutes with just earplugs in. It wasn't too boring; my heightened awareness of my body made it feel more intense. It was certainly less enjoyable, though. This evening, I didn't really get as bored as I expected to. I got distracted by going on an information rabbithole about candida and a few other things. I'll add that to the list of things that are important not to do as part of this weekly goal.

    Weekly goals: 1) Didn't get a chance. Hopefully tomorrow afternoon/evening. 2) Not as much as planned, due to above reasons. 3) Not yet.
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 4/10
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 106 continued

    Looks like another night of 5h45m sleep is ahead...
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 107

    Woke up feeling sick and miserable, with dry, puffy-looking eyes with bags under them, a stiff body, and that pre-headache feeling. I don't know if I was just briefly passing over a sickness or something, but that was the feeling I had throughout most of the day, before it blew over and I felt fine. One of the machines blew up at work last night so I will have 10% less work than usual for a while. There was an almost eerie feeling at the beginning of the shift, as people were walking around confused and not knowing what to do, and the rest of the work was sparsely scheduled.

    I was quite bored for most of the day (I don't know if it was just the general feeling catching up to me), and forgot how unpleasant boredom could be: It's not just the time drag, but the cloying emptiness I sometimes feel, with the feelings of dissatisfaction and despair as well. I avoided distractions during dinner, but didn't feel very bored as a result. I just ate a little faster and with a clearer head. I think I might sleep deeper tonight as a result. Signed up for benefits today, and should be finished with that process. Despite feeling terrible earlier in the day, gym session went very well. Sexual feelings were much lower than the past few days.

    Weekly goals: #1 complete. #2 complete for tonight, and pleased with results. #3, not yet.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3/10

    I should get a haircut tomorrow after work (instead of going to the grocery store). It will probably be my last chance before I leave for the trip.
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 108

    Woke up feeling pretty refreshed, but had a lot of shoulder/neck impingement from the way I slept. "Long boring day." Drove home (took longer than ever) and got a haircut. Singing lesson went well. After I got back and finished with everything, I did zone out on the computer. This is a strong habit and will take a long time to fully break.

    Need to take more steps to break that habit. Will have to brainstorm the specifics after vacation.

    Weekly goals: #1 complete. #2 complete for tonight. #2, not yet. Will have to get on that tomorrow evening.
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 3/10
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can relate to such feelings. More and more, though, I try to get acquainted with unpleasant emotions/feelings/thoughts. By just kind of observing them without judging them as "good" or "bad". It sometimes helps me detach from them and it can, sometimes (not always) transform into some kind of inner peace and sense of calm. Spiritual self help theories (often inspired by Buddhism) that talk of "processing" your "inner pain" by being present with the emotions and in such a way kind of healing what's inside make a lot of sense to me (theoretically but also practically sometimes). But then there are moments also when I question such methods. I find they are worth experimenting with though.

    Anyways, I hope you have a pleasant vacation man.

    And congrats on getting the haircut lol. I sometimes procrastinate a lot on stuff like that. I got one recently too though so a win there.
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 109

    10 hour day: Went in 1 hour early, left 1 hour late. "Long boring day" with an emphasis on long. I have done 16-hour workdays before at different jobs but this one just felt like forever. I think the fact that I was busy in the middle of the day made it feel that way. Overall, I felt loneliness and irritation all day.

    Waking up, I really felt the hour of missed sleep. The first few hours of the day felt very groggy. My neck/shoulder impingement got even worse today, and I even felt some brief numbness in my fingers at some points. Stretching, which I did repeatedly, helped about 20%, briefly. I really need to learn to sleep on my back all night, and possibly start sleeping on the bed again.

    The drive home from work set a second all-time record this week (I think), clocking in at around 1h20m. Spent about 15 minutes at the gym before rushing home, stuffing myself, and starting to make a list/pack for the trip. I'm exhausted and have been thinking about not much other than having a week off for a while. I've got a full plate when I get back, though (candida cleanse, finding a new apartment, reworking my evening schedule/continuing this boredom thing, possibly changing up the exercise scheme). Lots of projects.

    Weekly goals: #1 complete. #2 didn't really get too bored, but I was working with limited time anyway. It was an unusual evening. #3 did make a list. Didn't do laundry like I should have but I think I'll make it.
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 3/10

    I don't know if I will have updates during my vacation. I will probably have time, but it just depends on how well this website works on my phone. I've never tried logging in.

    Also, Should I have weekly goals for my vacation? Is there something I could do to help avoid possible bad behaviors with the change in routine? Open to ideas from everyone.

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