Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 89

    “Long boring day.” Did the normal bullshit for the first two hours or so, and then…when I was looking at the scheduled jobs on the scheduling program…I realized that there was over a day’s worth of the same bullshit I was doing yesterday. So that is how most of my day was, although the amount of random other tasks, emails, digital items that needed to be updated allowed me a pinch of variation. Sort of low energy but not very depressed. I took a 20mg caffeine tab at lunch time, which made me more upbeat for about two hours, before I returned to the prior state. I made major progress on the caffeine dependency over the course of this week. Sex drive not really present.

    I am set to become a permanent employee where I’ve been doing my temporary assignment next week. Orientation is on Monday. This is fairly sudden. I am not excited to work at this miserable place (I have experienced a lot worse) but supposedly I will get a significant pay raise (according to coworkers). Not enough to not be poor or anything, but maybe that will help me move out into a studio.

    Gym session went terribly. Joints were already feeling rough, mostly from sleeping positions but also perhaps from previous gym sessions, so I thought I would do a quick session and try out my flat bench strength for the first time in the better part of this calendar year. I was amazed by how little I was capable of; I failed reps in what I suspected might just be a warmup set. Have I wasted this entire year accomplishing nothing with strength training? Or has the accumulated fatigue, extensive sleep deprivation, joint impingement, lack of quality food (today), etc. produced that temporary result? I guess we will see next week, but I am very worried about that outcome. When I got home, I smashed up some of my possessions to make myself feel better.

    This whole day, I felt really out of it. Just kind of mentally absent. More so than is normal.

    Weekly goals: #1 did not complete; failed to specify if this goal should apply to Fridays. #2, check. #3, check and complete.
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member







    Weekly goals: ∞/10
    Mood: ∞/10
    Libido: ∞/10
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 91

    Woke up around noon. Not wanting to do the typical Sunday routine, I ran out early, ate at McDonald's (fast food on Sunday has become a bad habit) and picked up groceries. I came home, did laundry and vegetated for most of the day. So not a very atypical Sunday.

    I've been excited about hitting 90 days for a month or so. I was looking forward to the day like a child looks forward to his birthday. Day 90 has been years coming, and after doing a few things to celebrate yesterday, I'm thinking of making a big writeup to post to r/NoFap about my experiences, and what finally helped me clear that checkpoint. It was also a goal of mine for a long time, and when you clear goals, you have to rethink what motivates you, and how you're going to approach your daily life. I want big changes. I feel like now is an obvious time to make different in a way that matters. I've got a few things in mind, but I will try and discuss them later. But suffice to say, I'm still going through changes, and plan to continue this journal until at least day 180. This place has been really useful for me.

    I'm also nervous again. The farther I go, the farther I can fall. I know there is always a possibility of things getting as bad as they ever were.

    Weekly goals:
    #1: Listen to audiobooks during dinner time/the evening. Like last week, but I want to specify that absolutely NO audio/visual stimulation outside of that source should take place after 8:45. I'll set a reminder on my phone.
    #2: Week of healing. Just do 1 exercise at the gym + [possibly] some time on cardio machines. I want to give my joints time to heal. The way I sleep has abused them a lot. I also think breaking up the routine a bit might help stimulate gains when I go back.
    #3: Think about what I typed above. About how my life has changed, and how I need to establish a new weekly routine. Possibly make these the goals of the next week. I think too much about the long future and not enough about the short future, but my goals only succeed at the short future and never the long future.

    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 4/10
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    You did it, bro.

    90 days in the bag.

    Good job!
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I really like your Day 90 entry.

    As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words.

    Congratulations man.

    If you've read some of my more recent posts, I'm not for counting anymore, don't think it's helping me. However, I still respect the heroism it takes for one to do this, as you have.

    Godspeed in what lies ahead. In your journey ahead.
    Ereignis likes this.
  6. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Well done !
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    This took so long. Thanks. Even though I feel a little uncertainty about where I'm going now, I'm very pleased.
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Thank you. I wish I had a podium to give a helpful speech to everyone!
    NewHorizon likes this.
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Thanks a lot. As you know, your comments have helped get me through a few tight spots.

    I am beyond words right now. There's a murky and obscure world ahead of me. If you haven't noticed, most of my posts are still a bit negative on the mood but positive on the outlook. I still have a lot of healing to do. But at the same time, the world feels fresh and open like it hasn't in a while. That's a good thing.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 92

    Today I worked for about half a day in the morning before orientation started. They went over signing documents, benefits, all kinds of stuff like that. I still don't know how much I'm going to get paid. They apologized when I told them but I still haven't heard. I think I should be getting some more, though. That will be a touch of consolation when it comes to the brutal boredom of it all. Maybe I could use that money to not eat the same things every week and do fun things on weekends...alone.

    Voice has been weak for a while but it was awful today. Very high, rough, no bass at all. Just hearing myself speak was difficult. I had the jitters, with some sporatic headaches, and I'm not sure if it was because of too much caffeine or too little. Sex drive was moderate today but detached in a certain way.

    At the gym, I just did hamstring curls and the stairmaster (the latter for the first time). I haven't done cardio in a while so jumping right into the machine that has the reputation for being the hardest was pretty rough but I finished my 25 minute session and felt better afterwards. I'm just doing light stuff like this for the whole week, maybe two, in order to give my joints some time to rest. They are rough mostly because of how I sleep but I think adding exercise to that contributes as well.

    Weekly goals: #1 did listen to some audiobooks but failed to shut everything off at 20:45. #2 yes. #3 working progress.
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 4.5/10
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 92 continued

    Oh no oh no oh no oh no

    I'm about to go to bed with only 5h45m to sleep AGAIN


    Edit: What I mean to say is that I'm slipping. I've been cutting guitar practice, usually the last part of my daily routine, out in order to try and catch some more sleep. It has not worked; I have just sacrificed something valuable to myself in obtained nothing in return.

    I'm slipping. Slowly but surely I'm slipping. These habits tend to move at a glacial pace, but they are moving. My discipline is dropping. The amount of what's valuable to me that I manage to do, which is already well under what would make for a satisfying life, is dropping.

    I will try to brainstorm was to turn this around but I have traditionally never been successful at such a thing.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2019
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hope you're doing a bit better then the last post (despite the shorter amount of sleep time).

    It sucks when you feel your good habits are slipping a bit. Remember that you are in charge !

    It's possible also to expect that the next week or so may be a bit more challenging because you've achieved a personal goal (intermediate one) and after the high there is sometimes a bit of emptiness or puzzlement that can follow. If you expect this, it's sometimes easier to understand it and navigate this terrain.

    Good luck man & I hope you find some decent nights of sleep in the coming ones.
    Quanta and NewHorizon like this.
  13. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    You have one :


    Now do your speech?

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  14. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Hey look at this great post on quora :

    " [...] when we are striving for something we can feel disappointed, stressed, bored, etc; but we also feel that sense of purpose, which is so important in our happiness. [...] "

    " [...] what to do next? Set another goal! [...] "

    Hope that helps!
    Ereignis likes this.
  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I had forgotten to reply to your own reply so ...

    I'm glad I was able to offer some help. You've helped me to.

    Really good to hear. Having a positive outlook is important, perhaps more then the mood. The mood follows, slowly. Also, we have no control on our mood - we must accept it, take it in - be present with it and give it space to be. Attitude is so important (IMO) and the positive outlook has to do with attitude. And it may also be a result of the positive changes you've worked hard on, opening up new horizons, new possibilities.

    I was reading some posts on an Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) forum today and one guy was writing about his troubles (which were quite some troubles) but his attitude was so good and positive. At one point he wrote about how he can barely pick up the phone usually (from anxiety) and he added some grinning faces right after. Humor is important. Humor keeps us sane lol. I thought to myself, now with such an attitude, there is bound to be better things coming for him - even if it's a process.
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Thanks for the suggestion but this is really a long downward trajectory rather than something sudden. Towards the beginning of this streak, I was getting a number of 7 hour sleep periods during the week. For me, this was very abnormal. Then it returned to normal, and then a little worse than normal but manageable, and now it's worse than ever.
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 93

    This is where I would normally say "long boring day," but things are worse than ever. I wish I had enough time to get bored at work. It seems that this week, or possibly over last week and this one, everyone is up my ass, management is demanding a bunch of meaningless busywork be done, and overall my workload has quadrupled. I am not sure if this is just a sudden busy season or if they are purposefully fucking with me since I belong to them now. I might have to get used to rushing to get things done at the end of the day to avoid leaving late, which was sort of a rare occurrence before. Between 7 and 7:30, I'm usually the only one in the office, so I could screw off a bit, but after that, I had no time at all until lunch to surf the web on my phone.

    I did get a quote for my new wages today. 21% higher than what I was doing before. Not sure how much that will make any difference day to day, but maybe it's a pinch of money I could save each month. It is best to be cautious about being too optimistic about these things. I'm still poor.

    Got a Bang Energy Drink with plans of milking it over Monday and Tuesday mornings, as I usually do. Bad idea. Turns out one can has 300mg of caffeine, so the amount I've had over the last two days have probably reset all of the effort I made last week weaning myself off caffeine. Shit.

    Weekly goals: #1 failed. Did listen to some audiobooks but didn't cut off the audiovisual stimulation at that time. I have traditionally been awful at these kinds of deadlines. #2 failed, because I've failed to get to bed at a reasonable time again. #3 didn't have enough time to think about anything much. Too busy at work, too overstimulated and distracted at home. All weekly goals failed for this evening.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 4.5/10
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 94

    If days were grades I'd have an A- at this point.

    Today was a normal day (i.e. not chaotically busy). So a "long boring day." I guess the last few days were flukes. Woke up with a lot of weird discomfort and lack of ease in my hips and right knee; this sounds like a symptom of a biarticular muscle group (hip flexors) getting stimulated in a dysfunctional way. That must have resulted from the stationary bicycle I used yesterday (I haven't otherwise used any bike in a few years). It wasn't quite pain, but more like a furious, pulsating tightening and numbness that had a mild nauseating quality to them. Tight hip flexors and the posture problems they caused were actually the reason I started going to the gym. I think I'll avoid that exercise for the forseeable future.

    I calculated my pre-tax yearly income. If I work 51 weeks a year with zero overtime at my new rate, it will come out to about $41,000. I was really shocked to see that. I guess I'm middle class now. It doesn't seem like much because I live in an area that's pretty expensive overall (moreso than I expected when I moved here). Hopefully I can put away some money each month now.

    I am looking for 2-3 new foods which are: Cheap, healthy, require minimal preparation, and can be easily eaten/digested. If I can get that, hopefully I can eat a little faster each night and get to sleep earlier. When I consider places in my routine where I could conceivably cut time out, dinner is the main candidate.

    Weekly goals: #1, podcast rather than an audiobook, like last week. Still need to define how that's going to work in the Wednesday schedule. #2, yes, I will get a bit more sleep tonight (~7 hours). #3, considered but no real ideas.
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 5/10
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    That sounds like a good idea.

    Another element which can help sleeping is not eating a lot for the 2-3 hours prior to bed time. At first it can be uncomfortable (being in bed a bit hungry) if one is used to eating more at night, but I think after a while the body can get used to it. I think we just sleep better on an empty stomach.

    Not sure if in your case you eat late, or if you do so because of your schedule, but if this is the case a solution could be to make larger lunches for the work lunch break - eat the main meal of the day then - and eat less in the evening when home.

    Also - congrats on your salary upgrade ! I think the recent workload increase ("quadrupled") you describe in your post 197 may also contribute to a bit less will power with the overall discipline (e.g. - turning off the devices on time and going to bed) - and also can understandably make it harder for one to sleep well.

    Hopefully things can cool off at work in the coming days.
    NewHorizon likes this.
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I know. Would if I could.

    I already do this. I could usually get 1500-1600 calories if I just stuff myself as fast as possible while on break. That's about half of a day of eating for me.

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