Escape from purgatory

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Member

    This is a new journal I'm doing. I made an old one sometime in late summer or early fall 2016, which I can't find. (Maybe it got deleted somehow, but I'd like to read what I wrote again if it's still available.)

    Returning from the grocery story from my weekly Sunday trip this evening, I busted my tire open on the curb exiting the parking lot. What sounds like a mundane and easily fixed inconvenience actually turned out to be a dismal reflection on the extreme rigidity of the routine I have fallen into. I've busted the same tire open before, on the same curb, probably a year or two ago. (Thinking about how much time has passed between mundane events like these makes me nervous, but it's an obsession I can't avoid.) A weird parallel has happened with traffic tickets: In an intersection near where I live, I have gotten the same ticket for the same violation going in the same direction twice. Sometimes I wonder if I'm living in purgatory, or a computer simulation, or if life as I experience it can somehow isn't real at all, but no matter what conclusion I reach, the routine continues unabated.

    My previous journal was called "26 years old: Changes coming." (The bookmark I have for it now just leads to the homepage.) I'm 28 now, and closer to my 29th birthday than my 28th. I live in the same apartment that I had discussed dreading moving into in my first posts. I have the same 9-5ish schedule I have made so many diverse efforts to avoid sinking into. I have not had any love life or social life in the time I have lived here.

    To be fair, a few changes have occurred recently. I recently (late February) accepted a new temporary work assignment which bumped me up from poverty to a working-class wage. About a year ago, I started visiting the gym regularly, which has provided an extra structure for solving my dietary/digestive issues and has been a welcome method of channeling energy (more on that later). My mother has become very unwell, and will most likely not be well for the rest of her (possibly shortened) life. This has made my biannual trips home-the only reprieve from this suffocatingly repetitive cycle-very dark and depressing.

    This is day zero for me. I relapsed this morning. This has been a habit for some time now: Monday through Thursday are always safe, and then I usually relapse on Friday evening, or if not then, on Saturday. Binges have often followed.

    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: NA/10
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Member

    Day 1

    Had to sit in the auto shop for most of the day waiting for a spare tire to arrive and get installed. Only got to work at 2:00 and worked 1h42m before my shift was over. Hit the gym and did deadlifts for the first time today. Form was sort of wonky, hope to get that straightened out soon.

    2019 has been a rough year for me, and so many bad things have happened that I can't even keep track of them all. A week before the year started, I had spent time at home over the holidays, visiting my sickly mother. It was depressing, to put it lightly. Starting Jan 3, I began a temporary work assignment at a mail-order pharmacy that was utterly miserable and depressing like no other job I've had in years. That lasted for about 6 weeks. Despite how depressing it was, when I got the call that it was over, I felt defeated, because I had hoped that at least my efforts there had culminated in a long-term position that would provide some stability. On Jan 10, I was at the point of saying to myself that at least I was still enjoying the gym, if nothing else-and I sprained my wrist that very evening. After that work assignment ended, I spent most of February unemployed, feeling increasingly nervous and frustrated each week that my efforts at finding a job were fruitless, and my money was slowly drying up. (I even had a rage moment of smashing things in my room, including my phone, which put another $350 hole in my wallet to replace, among other things.) I've gotten sick a second and third time this winter, after about a decade of perfect health. My new work assignment has had schedule change after schedule change forced on me, all of which are to my detriment. My new work assignment is much farther from home, and it seems that my dinner time now runs right into the time I should be going to bed. My still new-ish car has absorbed issue after issue, damage after damage, and it seems like I'm spending half of my weekends at the car dealership sorting them out. I've relapsed a bunch of times and haven't had any good streaks. Many more things that haven't immediately come to mind.

    I understand that sometimes people who have real catastrophes in their lives read this kind of thing and get irritated at what must sound trivial. But when it has been so long since anything good or happy has happened to you, the little things get to you, and for me, 2019 seems like a neverending string of these events, once every few days. At the same time, though, I believe that it has purpose, trying to lead me forward and provide impetus to finally fix my life. It's just very tiring. So very tiring.

    Mood: 5.25/10
    Libido: 3/10
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Member

    Day 2

    Today was uneventful. The work day felt really long and slow, and I was constantly fantasizing about this coming weekend. I plan on doing something out of the ordinary. Try and escape purgatory. On the car ride home, the signal came on my dashboard that I have low air pressure in my tires; this is just one day after spending half of the day getting a flat tire repaired. I hope that message is an error, like it has sometimes been in the past. I really just want to get rid of this car and live a car-free life somehow. It's hard to describe how tired I am of taking it in for repairs. Gym session felt great, and lower back is very sore from Monday's deadlift session.

    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    I can understand the bleakness of your mood and life can be challenging on a routine day to day basis. I think there is definitely some negative thinking patterns reflecting in your writing on here (I think I can recognize some of my own way of thinking) but there seems to be also some kind of strength and will to find your way. For the tire I guess they didn't put enough air when they repaired it. You can probably get them to fix this for free. It sucks that you gotta go back though. But you're dealing with life, with your problems and that is commandable.
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Member

    Thanks for your response. I try to keep it honest but not to be too negative.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Member

    Day 3

    Not a very eventful day. In the afternoon, I started getting some sexual fantasies that were hard to keep out of my mind. I need to start using that "trigger journal" I briefly kept again.

    Although it is not particularly relevant to today, one thing I should mention before I get too many posts deep is that I have been struggling with sleep position lately. I've noticed that if I sleep on my back for the whole night, I seem to be better off in terms of sleep quality as well as avoiding PMO triggers/relapse. The problem is that I find it so much harder to fall asleep on my back than my on my side. This might be a key to finally recovering, though.

    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 4/10
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    For sure man! Sorry if I sounded condescending. You gotta write as you feel.

    And it definitely does seem honest.

    Most of all I was trying to say that I can see determination in there and I think that's good.
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Member

    Day 4

    I had it confirmed fairly late in the day that my work site will be closed for the holiday weekend tomorrow. It was an audit day, so there was a bit of tension in the air. An unexpected 3-day weekend is a nice surprise.

    Something I've had an issue with for a while now is the evenings of the last day of the week (usually Friday)- once I get home from work (and usually the gym) I just collapse. I can be fairly industrious at getting things done Monday through Thursday but not on Friday evening for some reason. It's like my brain just shuts down involuntarily.

    "The product of the addiction is the purpose of the addiction." Very interesting quote I heard. Is it true? Something that I could spend a lot of time pondering.

    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 4.25/10
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Member

    Day 5

    Day off today. Slept in (which felt good) before eating a quick meal and hitting the gym. Workout started out rough, and when I missed the last rep on incline bench by just a few inches I punched the bench a few times in fury. It was probably just due to not eating enough this morning TBH, but I'll have to nonetheless wait a few days to try it again. In the afternoon/evening I got a mohawk haircut and I did a few errands. I got this strange feeling driving home about an hour ago. It's something I've felt a great deal over the past year or two, but have never heard anyone else describe feeling it. It's like a mix of boredom, exasperation and dread. At how boring and empty my recent life has been. At how I have wasted part of my youth gaining no worthwhile experiences or memories. At how I have made promises to myself about how I will change things before letting myself down. At how all of my recent efforts cast a dark shadow on the idea that anything in the near future is going to change things.

    If you go on a city bus in the early morning on a weekday, your main company will be sullen, sickly, depressed-looking middle-aged men on their way to work. These are where people with no dreams, no families, no social circle and no hope are, safely hidden away from the view of the majority of society. I frequently wonder if that's where I will end up.

    One thing I have meant to start incorporating is 3-5 minutes of meditation every time I return home. Since home is where I relapse, I think it would be wise to have this habit as a way of staying in a little healthier headspace here. It might even boost overall productivity.

    Libido was a little higher today than the past few days. I woke up to some fantasies, which has historically been a risk factor for relapse.

    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 5.25/10
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    I think I can relate to this. I've felt this way quite often. It's a mix of depression, regrets about the past and doubt and fear for the future, based on analysis of past failure. One thing that seemed to motivate me (sometimes I would feel this clearer then other times) is that the only noble course of action is to keep fighting. Even if it's hard, the only thing to do is to keep going, keep trying. And for the fear of not making it (of not turning things around) I told myself I need to accept this uncertainty and still need to keep trying. To keep working towards change while somehow being outcome dependent. To make the fight in itself the goal. And take some pride in that. If we keep working on improving stuff, where we can, little by little we increase the odds of making small wins, making small victories. And then we keep building on that.

    Weekends are the hardest for me on staying off the PMO with the free time at home. Well done on working out and keeping busy !
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019 at 10:33 AM

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