Escape from purgatory: The sprint!

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Jul 4, 2020.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20201020)

    Woke up feeling quite refreshed from about 6 hours 55 minutes of sleep. “Long boring day.” I am still getting back into the groove of work, and my mind defaulted to trying to find excuses not to do the more tedious tasks. I’m back to listening to music while in the office (audiobooks are distracting), and enjoying it. I picked at the cuticles around my fingernails a lot today, sometimes to the point of bleeding. I don’t know why, maybe they’re worse than usual because of dryness or something. This is a bad habit that I don’t do nearly as much as I used to.

    I noticed that I was feeling a little chaffed from walking around today, and my underwear is ripped. This is something I noticed two weeks ago, and not something that I’ve had problems with in the past. I think that my thighs are getting bigger (hopefully from exercise and not fat), and applying more friction, and, thus, they wear out faster. The cotton-based underwear seems to be wearing out, and not the bamboo/miscellaneous fabrics. (Something to keep in mind the next time I buy underwear.) Soon I will have to get my jeans out due to the cooler weather, which might result in even faster wear and tear.

    I ate some organic, cage-free eggs today. You know, the kind with the brown shells instead of white ones. This wasn’t a deliberate choice, that just happened to be the only thing left in the grocery store. It tasted considerably better—richer, healthier even. I wonder if I should start getting these by default. The price isn’t outrageous. My health is probably worth it.

    After work, I came home and tried to complete a handful of minor tasks I set for myself, including picking up new quarters from the Coin Exchange place (laundry) and visiting the Vitamin Shoppe. I think I am going to try using activated charcoal again, and see if that helps with bloating.

    I will be getting approximately 6h45m sleep tonight
    .

    Weekly goals: Yes!
    Mood: 4.25/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20201021)

    Last night, before bed, for just a minute or two (more than a few seconds), there was a power outage. I had a few candles, and my phone was still charged, so I had no trouble navigating. I felt an unexpected jolt of joy when that power outage happened; all of the electronic lights and noises were suddenly gone. It felt “natural.” I don’t know how to explain it, but there was something visceral and pleasurable in that darkness. Something I’d like to experience more of.

    I did not go to bed particularly late last night, but once I laid down, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. It was kind of like things were when I was a teenager (probably not that bad). I am not sure why this was, but it was frustrating. I never really recovered from the fatigue today. “Long boring day.” I was late for the third time today, after choosing to read some emails I could have left for later (I did manage to make the light at 7:00, which usually means I’ll get there in time; not today). Tired and unhappy all day.

    After work, I went to the gym, came home, and did some laundry. I sometimes forget how long it takes to do laundry. An evening of gym + laundry + cooking/dinner/dishes can easily take me until 23:00. What a depressing thought. My life is so depressing.

    About 6h40m of sleep tonight
    . Similar to last night. Much less than I want/need.

    Weekly goals: Fail.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
     
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20201022)

    I had a dream last night. I was about being in public and arguing with my mother about what we were going to go eat. She would suggest something, and then when I said that was ok, she would change her mind and argue in some other direction. Trivial matters, but it’s been quite a while since I’ve had a dream.

    I only got about 6.5 hours of total sleep last night, perhaps slightly more, but I woke up feeling quite refreshed today, so it seemed to be good-quality sleep. “Long boring day.” My hamstrings were very sore from yesterday’s gym session, but the right leg was much more sore than the left. This is not the first time that has happened. I sometimes worry that I am creating a muscular imbalance by making one side stronger than the other. It’s also possible the side that was already weaker is getting more sore from more strengthening.

    I tried two charcoal tablets after lunch to see if it helped with bloating. It did (just a bit). Maybe 20% (better than nothing). It’s not miracle cure, but it is a minor benefit that has no real costs (other than a tiny monetary expense), so there’s no reason to continue the experiment.

    Hit my shin on something while walking around the building today. It was hard enough for some blood and a bruise, but after a few minutes, it wasn’t even bothering me anymore. Yet, right when it happened, I felt explosive, dangerous levels of rage. I have a rage problem that hasn’t come out as much recently, but it definitely has the potential to cause harm and ruin relationships. It’s a hard problem to work on because it’s not frequent. It’s just intense when it happens. Thankfully I was alone when it happened.

    It’s rained for 3 days. That is a rarity here. I suspect it will be over soon. I love the rain, especially when it’s heavy. So relaxing.

    Should be getting about 6 hours 45 minutes of sleep tonight
    . Disappointing, especially after I left myself a note to get to bed ASAP. Better than most Thursday nights, though.

    Weekly goals: Fail, again.
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20201023)

    Some half-remembered trivial dream again. Didn’t get too much sleep last night (6.5-6.75h), but it seemed to be pretty good quality sleep, because after just a few minutes of grogginess, I felt more refreshed than normal. “Long boring day.” Late to work for the fifth time in a row out of five days of work this week. When I got there, the building felt surprisingly hot and humid, despite being fairly cool outside. I don’t think I’ll have to deal with that many more times (thankfully). 70+ degree days might be finished at this point. It’s almost November (!). I’ve been slacking at work. Still haven’t 100% recovered from the vacation, and I’m still looking for ways to avoid working as hard as I could while on the clock. I sometimes worry it’s gotten to the point where people can’t help but notice, but perhaps that’s my paranoia.

    I almost finished a Reign Energy Drink can with 300mg of caffeine over the course of the week (about one sip short). That’s about 60mg per day, and I wasn’t even feeling buzzed. I’ve got desensitized (again) very quickly over the past few weeks.

    At the gym, I was just short of finishing all of my OHP work sets with 117.5lbs, the first time I’ve used that weight (I did 115 on Monday). I failed only the last rep, and feel confident I could get through it on Wednesday. For OHP, that’s very fast. Seems like progress is picking up again.

    Weekly goals: Fail.
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20201024)

    Woke up from around 7.5-7.75 hours of sleep, well short of the 9 I had set my alarm for, but feeling better than usual. Why can’t I sleep in? It’s been a few months since I’ve managed to sleep in on a Saturday morning. It’s frustrating and I don’t understand it.

    I ate a small meal—small because I don’t have much food left—and then decided to set out to city hall to get licensed to vote (I am not particularly passionate about this election, I largely just want the experience, since I’ve only voted once, and I might be able to get some time off work to do it [slim chance]). Then I realized that the building is closed on weekends. I was thrown off my plans. I looked at my other plans for the weekend, and I saw a bunch of things that I can really do any time, so don’t necessarily structure my day. I started procrastinating, and large parts of the day slipped by. I spent all of that time in front of a computer.

    It’s at this time when I relapsed
    . I PMOd. It was fairly unexpected, because these things usually come after a few days of slipping habits, and my habits have been better than average this week. It was just the aimless computer browsing, with lots of tabs open, that triggered my mind, I think. Going forward, I think it would be really useful to implement this rule: Every Saturday morning, try to get out of the house no more than 40 minutes after getting out of bed. This would not only eliminate a lot of relapses (all my relapses have started on Saturday, recently), but also prevent wasting time. I need to keep this in mind, starting next week.

    It was past 20:00 when I finally got out. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings, eating some food that made me feel a little sick, and then took a recreational drive before returning home to do nothing, and then go to bed very late.

    FML

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1/10
    Libido: PMO/10
     
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20201025)

    Woke up with a bad headache
    . There was nausea pumping in and out as well. This is almost certainly much to do with what I ate last night (the seasoning, and some sugary alcohol). In addition to that, I was well past my usual morning caffeine intake time, so I had to catch up with that. I ended up drinking more than I really needed to make the headache go away, which made me hyper throughout the evening. This drives home something I’ve been thinking about more recently: I have much less desire for variety in my diet, or eating out, or eating anything special. I enjoy my bland healthy home-cooked food more than most things, now. I mostly just go out for convenience now.

    My Amazon package failed to get delivered. Usually they just leave it in the lobby by the mailboxes, but about once a year, they do this to me. I will call them tomorrow. I hope I don’t have to drive out to some strange post office to pick it up. I yelled a curse when I realized it happened (I in a bad mood generally), then remembered there are kids living downstairs. I hope they didn’t hear. I felt embarrassed thinking about that.

    My evening was a particularly unproductive. It was a typical Sunday evening, in the worst way. Felt even more scramblebrained than usual. Took a drive through some back streets without my phone on me to get my mind of things. I think spending more time away from my phone in general is a good thing.

    I will be getting about 3 hours of sleep (technically just under 3 hours) tonight.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Learn one of those Iron Maiden songs out of the book I got on guitar by the end of the week. Don’t have to be perfect playing it perfectly (guitar skills are rusty), but have to know each part.
    2) No private browsing window at all (still trying to kill this habit).
    3) On days off (Saturday), leave home no more than 40 minutes after getting out of bed (set a timer).
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 1/10
     
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20201026)

    This morning, after less than 3 hours of sleep, I slept through the series of alarms I set for myself. It is strange, because for the past few days, I have observed that I have not done that for a few years (2017 or 2018, I think). It’s something that happens once every few years, usually once every job I work for for a long time. In fact, that’s why I set so many alarms, and it has been working for a while. Until today.

    “Long boring day.” Finally got there at 8:00, one hour late. I sent my supervisor an email about it, and she is not angry at all. Despite coming in an hour short, the day still felt long. I felt tired from how little sleep I got last night, and I only drank about 40mg of caffeine, 1/3 less than last week. I did experience some brief headaches and other withdrawal symptoms, nothing severe. Mostly, I just had a feeling of negativity and tediousness for most of the day. It was a very repetitive day, in terms of the work I had to do.

    I really wanted to head home and take a nap after work, but I forced myself to go to the gym instead. There is a funny phenomenon where the moment I decide I’m not going to slack off, I instantly feel better. The thing that was bothering me suddenly is not bothering me as much, even if I’m not doing what I really want to do. Gym session sucked, and I had to waste a lot of time waiting for equipment (including about 20 minutes waiting for a bench!). I have decided to start looking into other gyms in the area. Even if it takes a little longer to drive, if it’s less crowded, it might save time.

    I had a few flashbacks to people I knew, and conversations I had, in the dorms during my second year of university. I don’t remember what triggered those memories.

    Getting about 6h45m of sleep tonight
    , disappointing.

    Weekly goals: 1) not yet 2) yes 3) N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20201027)

    Woke up from 6.5-6.75 hours of sleep, feeling pretty good. I think the sleep quality was a little better than usual. By ripping down the streets, I managed to be on time for the first time since October 9th. I had to look at a calendar to figure that out. I’m not sure I was on time that day, but it was some time that week. It’s embarrassing to think about. The people at some of my old jobs used to always talk about how I was always early or on time (out of principle, of course, not out of passion for the jobs in question).

    Remarkably boring day at work. The only unusual thing I noticed was that my poop was green. Not brownish-green, but a vivid green color. It was wild. I think it might have been the fiber from the blackberries I ate yesterday. Sporatic headaches from lowered caffeine intake, mostly in evening.

    After work, I drove home to grab my electric bill as identification, then headed to City Hall. I had never been to City Hall in my current town, and was surprised at how tiny it was. It looked like something from a small town you would see on a Stephen King miniseries, or something. I tried to register to vote, but they redirected me to somewhere else in a neighboring town, telling me that I could not only register there, but go ahead and do early voting as well. So I found the place with my phone’s GPS, and that’s what I did. I had to wait outside for a bit, noticing the cool Fall weather, but the whole process ended up taking less than 30 minutes. I questioned why I was there. It has long been my policy not to vote, because it doesn’t matter, and I usually have no interest in the candidates. But this time, I convinced myself to. I have my own reasons.

    After I got home from that, satisfied to have gotten that ordeal over, I started dinner. I ate a few dishes, then drove out to [locational info omitted] in order to check out a different gym, like I mentioned yesterday. It was an LA Fitness, pretty nice. Not too crowded, and the guy at the front said that was their peak hours. Much cleaner than my current gym. What I’m worried about, though, is the commuting time, which might be longer (the drive is a little further out of the way, to the South side). I guess I’ll see tomorrow, which is my free trial date.

    It was a very busy evening. I will be getting about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight, despite my best efforts to get a full night. This is every week. Nothing I can do is enough, I always end up back in the same place, with the same deficiencies.

    Weekly goals: 1) no, haven’t even touched it yet 2) yes 3) N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20201028)

    I woke up tired today. I needed more sleep, and felt fatigued for most of the day. I made a big deal about being early for the first time in forever on yesterday’s post, but today, I was late again. I think the problem is that I surf the internet on my phone in the morning. “Long boring day.” Today’s work was very tedious, and my fatigued state made it more difficult than it would be normally (which would be easy, but tedious). I have been thinking this for the past few work days: I really need to buckle down on finishing this month’s and this year’s work, so I could catch up on everything by the end of December. There is a lot of stuff that I have been putting off for a long time. I think I have enough work to not slack off for at least a few weeks. We’ll see how that goes.

    After work, I drove into the city to LA Fitness for my free workout. It went well. It’s a really clean, quiet place, and much less crowded than the place I have a membership at now. It was a surprisingly relaxing experience. Even the drive was more scenic, and barely any longer coming home than my current place. I think I might end up coming here. Maybe I will wait until the new year, though. Why? I don’t remember, but it feels like the right thing to do. To wrap things up and start a new beginning, perhaps.

    I have been thinking about how my sleep habits have been so hard to improve for so many years. Every time I think I’m improving them, the habits seem to slip away and I am back to my normal habits of sleeping less than 7 hours a night, even when I would function much better with more. From now on, I think I will consider a night of sleep a “success” or a “fail” based on whether I got more than 7 hours of sleep. Not 6.5 hours, not 6 hours and 55 minutes, because employing any of these standards slowly deteriorate. 7 hours or bust. (Maybe an additional, longer standard should be employed for weekend nights/mornings? Time will tell.)

    I will be getting about 7 hours 10 minutes of sleep tonight
    .

    Weekly goals: 1) fail, not a single moment spent on this goal yet 2) yes. I did some browsing that is normally on a private window in a normal window today. Progress. 3) N/A
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20201029)

    Slept over 7 hours, and felt quite refreshed waking up. SUCCESS. “Long boring day.” The day’s work was repetitive and slow. Nothing out of the ordinary.

    Tonight, I ordered a Line 6 practice amp from MusiciansFriend.com. It’s funny to say, but I have been playing my electric guitar unplugged for more years than I can count. Since I moved here, it’s because I didn’t take one and never purchased a new one, but for years before that, I practiced without an amp even when I had one handy. It started out when I was a teenager, and I didn’t want to get in trouble with the kind of music I was listening to and enjoying (black metal). I don’t like sharing my interests, and that is an attitude that has solidified over the years, but now that I am living on my own, I figure that I might enjoy practicing guitar more if I actually have an amp.

    I will be getting approximately 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . FAILURE.

    Weekly goals: 1) no progress yet (big fail) 2) yes 3) N/A
    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 1.75/10
     
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20201030)

    Had a very strange dream last night
    . An asteroid had hit the Earth, and it had organic material on it. People were thrilled at the opportunity to examine alien life. But it smelled so bad, no one would approach it until it started decomposing, so it was a lost cause. After that, the dictatorship of scientists that rule the world (it’s a dream, anything can happen) wanted to take steps to ensure that such a loss of opportunity would never happen again. They started forcing people to undergo tasks to prove their loyalty and guts. The dictatorship of scientists started cloning cats on an industrial scale. Every week, each American was to be distributed a single clone-kitten, which he/she would have to put in a blender. When I woke up, I was handling my first kitten, and felt really bad about the prospect of putting it in a blender. This is the most detailed dream I’ve had in months, at least.

    Got to work on time again today! “Long boring day.” I can’t emphasize the “long” part enough. I was underrested (6.5 hours of sleep, perhaps, when I needed much more) and my lower back was intensely sore. I felt tired all day. I was trying to balance daily tasks with finishing the September spreadsheets (which I did not end up finishing). My negligence and haste led to me getting chewed up by my supervisor a bit.

    My brain was in withdrawal today. It clearly “wanted” sexual stimuli, and even tried throwing out a few fetishistic ideas into my conscious thoughts, but few of them lasted. I think I just haven’t been stimulated by anything recently enough for the thoughts to take a more concrete form. And that is, at least for now, a very good thing. I’ve even noticed that the fetishistic ideas, while they are an escalation from what I’m normally into, were less intense than the kinds I felt a year ago, or even six months ago. I think this is a sign of healing.

    Went to the gym after work, and was weak as fuck, again. Squat/Bench/etc. day and I had regressed in strength on the bench, again. I came home after picking up some food, felt rage at how empty my life was, and smashed up a CD I had recently bought from Amazon. Despite not really having anything to do, I stayed awake until 2:00, again, after week and week and week and week and week and week and week again of telling myself not to, so I could get a good night sleep on Saturday morning. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just defective. How could anyone drag these stupid habits out so long?

    Weekly goals: 1) no, five days in and zero progress on this goal. Shame on me 2) yes 3) tomorrow morning, NEED TO MAKE IT HAPPEN
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20201031)

    Halloween

    Woke up after perhaps 7.5 or 8 hours of sleep. It was short of the 9 I had planned, but I was feeling very refreshed. Shortly after getting out of bed, I remembered that idea I had about setting a 40-minute timer, and getting out of the house within that timespan. Well, that didn’t work at all (not today at least), but I think it did prod me a bit not to waste too much time.

    Shortly after that, my new practice amp arrived from UPS. This shipping process was so fast that I haven’t even had the time to look up the tracking information before the product arrived. I haven't tried it yet, but I am excited to.

    I thought about what kind of music would get me in the mood for Halloween. I considered Sunn0)))’s Black One, which was something I used to listen to on repeat every Halloween when I was a teenager, but it is just too slow for me now. Life’s too short to listen to Sunn0))). I watched a Cradle of Filth concert DVD while I was making some breakfast/lunch. I used to get into them very intensely for about one week a year, and the horror/occult/cheese themes were a fun part of that. I’ve become desensitized to their music through listening too many times, but I still enjoy, and I still feel a bit of that atmosphere.

    Eventually, I headed out on a drive. I had the vague idea that I was going to get something to eat, but I really just wanted to avoid spending the entire day in the house. I thought about getting Chick-Fil-A, which I would enjoy, but decided on bland Chipotle that I’m completely tired of, but is healthier. I went to the used video store for a few minutes. I eventually came back, cut the lights, and watched Near Dark again. It wasn’t much, but I got a bit of Halloween mood out of that. Like I said last year, holidays are hard to fully enjoy when you’re lonely. Most days (weekends, Saturdays…) just basically feel the same.

    I’ve been wondering about the effects of artificial light on me, not just in the evening, but throughout the day. I tried turning off the lights and just having the film screen and two candles burning this evening (something I’ve done a few times before), and every time, it is relaxing. I wonder if my body is reacting to a more “natural” way to be awake, and if it’s something I should pursue further.

    I have been thinking a lot recently about some of the contributing factors to my lack of friends. At certain points in my life, I have tried to seem as inconspicuous as possible. This really ramped up around the time I graduated from university. I was entering a professional world which I was not enthusiastic about, and I just wanted to hide my true feelings. But that act of hiding eventually became the norm, so I have become a very hard person to get to know. I have been thinking that I need to do less of that hiding behavior. Much of it is just habit.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20201101)

    Woke up from over 7 hours of sleep. Felt pretty good—this is more than I have am used to on Sunday mornings, at least recently. I forgot to set a timer, but I did get out of the door within 40 minutes. I got the groceries, and didn’t buy fast food on the way home, like I usually do on Sundays. Just a minor step in the right direction.

    In most ways, it was a pretty normal Sunday. Despite getting good sleep, I got a few headaches throughout the day. I didn’t talk to either of my parents today, which put me in a much better mood than I usually am on Sunday evenings. (As petty as it sounds, the actual reason is that I forgot to call them at an appropriate time.) All of the things I’ve mentioned so far put my head in a better, healthier place than it usually is on Sundays, but I still failed to capitalize on my free time. I just sat around and zoned out for most of the day, like I usually do.

    I took a 40-minute walk after dinner, on a path that stretched outside of where I usually go. I thought I should probably stretch my legs in order to sleep better. Walks are usually a source of positivity and creativity for me. Tonight, it was just the latter. I’ve felt pretty pessimistic for the past few days, possibly a week. I think it will blow over.

    I’ve felt like my brain is mush for a while now
    . It’s hard to explain. I don’t know exactly when it started. I am competent, maybe even smarter than I was at an earlier time in my life, when it comes to daily maintenance tasks, the mundane, the necessary. But my mental energy and focus for everything else is low. It’s not like I have lost interest in these things, not at all; I just never really recover. It’s all a very gradual downward spiral, punctuated and interrupted by brief periods of self-improvement and discipline. The sad truth is that I am just inadequate to take care of myself and do the things I need to do to take care of myself. Take tonight’s sleep, for instance: A little past 23:00, I looked at the clock, considered that I didn’t have much to do, and was excited that I could (with a bit of effort) get to bed in time to get a full 6 hours of sleep. Yet, my forgetfulness and absentmindedness (I almost feel drunk right now) caused me to procrastinate until almost 2:00. From an excellent night’s sleep (by Sunday night standards for me) to a bad one, all that time slipped away, like it always does. It feels like everything in my life is that way. I am desperate because I just cannot do the things I want to do and live the way I want to. I have been trying everything I can think of, year after year, and it’s just not adequate. I am losing.

    Amp arrived yesterday, I haven’t even touched it. Sitting in the cardboard box. This would be unthinkable when I was actually in the practice of playing (and enjoying) guitar. It’s just a chore at this point. I don’t want it to be but it is.

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20201102)

    Got less than 4 hours of sleep last night, and paid the price. Tired and uncomfortable all day long. “Long boring day.” I had about 45mg of caffeine today, which did little to make me feel better. I felt simultaneously hungry and miserable at the thought of eating.

    Yesterday was the first day since early this year that I got out my jeans to keep me a little warmer than the pants I had been wearing to work previously. My thighs have gotten bigger, so they were rather uncomfortable. I have a number of ingrown/irritated hairs on my things as a result (in addition to a few more pairs of underwear that are suddenly worn out).

    Had a lot of memories of old ski slopes I haven’t been to in over 15 years (more than 15, certainly, but I don’t know the exact number). That was one of the few times in my childhood that I actually enjoyed being with my family. Don’t really know what triggered those particular memories.

    Over the past few days, I’ve noticed that the “creative imagery” that runs in my head, sort of like ideas but not as concrete and systematic yet, is there as it usually is, I just don’t enjoy it. It’s usually satisfying when I get an idea which fits quite right, but today, none of the ideas felt good. I just didn’t care. It was an unusual feeling.

    After work, went to the gym and then came home and did some laundry while eating. I needed to do laundry because I only have one clean pair of underwear left. It was a rather boring day.

    Getting just over 7 hours of sleep tonight
    . Success.

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
     
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 (20201103)

    Woke up from over 7 hours of sleep, feeling very (unusually) refreshed. “Long boring day.” I spilled some drink from my cup at my desk, and had significantly less caffeine than usual, which really caught up to me towards the end of the day. Work wasn’t too bad, but I had some trouble focusing.

    After work, I went straight home and turning on some livestreams to look at the election results. I’ve decided to go to bed before the winner is announced; getting sleep is important, and staying awake won’t really do anything, even though it’s more exciting to watch than to sleep. Around 20:00, I went outside to take a walk in order to clear my mind and hopefully sleep a little better. I went to the hospital, and climbed up the parking complex, taking in the views of my town (great views) from a height. It was a good place; if I was still a smoker, this would be the perfect spot. While my mind wandered, there was a word that kept playing, over and over again, in my head: Destiny. That’s the underlying concern behind all of my minor worries, all of the obsessive, repetitive and self-critical ideas that I revisit every day. I am pondering destiny.

    I will be getting about 6 hours 45 minutes of sleep tonight
    . Fail.

    Weekly goals: N/A. Too late for weekly goals.
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 11 (20201104)

    Woke up from about 6.75 hours of sleep. Felt sort of tired and depleted all day. “Long boring days.” I had trouble focusing, but did get a fair amount done (mostly of the tedious and simple kind of work). It was surprisingly hot in the building, and to a certain extent outside as well. Indian Summer, I guess (I wish it would just cool down again). I think I was a little dehydrated all day, and the heat made it worse.

    At the gym, I tried box squats instead of regular squats. They felt good. Not sure if I’m going to continue with that. I’m going to bed a little early today and tomorrow in order to come in early tomorrow to cover for an absent coworker.

    Will be getting about 7.5 hours of sleep, waking up early tomorrow. Success.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 12 (20201105)

    I gave myself 7.5 hours to sleep last night
    , which is a lot of a weeknight. I woke up after an hour or two with the intense urge to MO. There were a lot of devious thoughts in my head trying to rationalize looking at P, and a lot of very fetishistic images in my head. I controlled myself, which I am proud of. However, it took a while to get back to bed. In the end, I’m not sure how much sleep I really got. Probably more than the average night, but who knows. Traditionally, this is one of the more dangerous spots to be in, in terms of letting the habits slip. I hope I don’t have any follow-up urges in the next few days.

    I got to work about 30 minutes earlier than usual. I thought I’d get there earlier; whatever. “Long boring day.” Emphasis on the long part. Nothing hard, just more of it than usual. I was pretty productive today. I even felt like I would have no trouble getting this year’s work done by the end of the year! Honestly, it probably doesn’t matter if I’m a little late anyway. I doubt all of the distractions and delays from the COVID will be over by January.

    All day, I was a little disoriented (sometimes interrupted sleep does this), sleepy (especially afternoon and later), and my back felt cranky, in a way that it rarely does. I think the latter is from trying glute bridge exercises yesterday. I should stop those.

    Indian Summer. Weather is surprisingly hot. My apartment reached 75 degrees again today. I had to turn the air conditioner back on. Fuck this heat, I’m so tired of it.

    Just over 7 hours of sleep tonight
    . Success.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 13 (20201106)

    Woke up early after about 7 hours of sleep, more than most nights. Felt groggy all day, including a fluctuating headache that never went away. I think that if I wake up earlier than usual, I just feel bad, regardless of how long I have slept. It’s like my body has reluctantly gotten used to the whole 5:40-6:00 alarm that I have been using since I started working this job, despite my night owl tendencies, but any earlier than that, even if it’s only 20 minutes, and my body doesn’t react well. I will have to keep this idea in mind and see if I could find any exceptions.

    “Long boring day.” I actually got to work at 6:45, 15 minutes earlier than usual. I meant to get there earlier…it’s that principle of diminished early/lateness, which sometimes works in my favor. Whatever. This has felt like a really long week, even without tomorrow’s [Saturday] work. I did not bring my personal phone to work today; I forgot why I got in the habit of bringing it to work on Fridays. I deliberately limited myself to checking out the news situation a single time, because I know myself well enough to realize that if I found some particular detail interesting, it could be a rabbithole that distracts me all day (or longer). This is something I should be mindful to do more often.

    If you read my past few days of entries, you might notice that there is a lot of cataloguing daily activities and little actual insight. Sometimes this is a sign that I am struggling with the material I encounter, or am close to a relapse. This isn’t the case this week. I think it’s just the daily grind hitting me hard, plus a sort of semi-flatline state of being that makes it feel even worse. I have had that spark of energy in my belly, which is a very good sign.

    Getting just over 7 hours of sleep tonight, again, and waking up at the normal time. Success.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 14 (20201107)

    I woke up this morning after about 7 hours of sleep, just minutes before the alarm I had set. On a purely physical level, I felt great. More well-rested than in many nights. But there was a deep pessimism about waking up on a Saturday morning to go to work that would develop over the course of the day. “Long boring day.” I am really not exaggerating when I say that today might have been the most mentally taxing day I have had at my current job. It’s not that anything was difficult or out of the ordinary, it just felt like everything I did was something I had done a million times before, and it was ultimately pointless. I tried to distract myself with my creativity, as I usually do, but it just didn’t work tonight. This boredom and feeling of meaninglessness was cloying and painful.

    Forgot to grab my coat running out the door this morning, but it was so warm that I was fine without it, both coming to work and leaving. WTF? A high of 73. I just want winter (or at least autumn) weather!

    After work, I drove straight to Target to run a few errands, but forgot to buy laundry detergent, so I might have to go back tomorrow. Then I drove to Chick-Fil-A to pick up some food (first time I went there in a while, I used to visit the one near my old place all the time) before driving home to eat. After I came home, I felt too mentally wrecked to do anything else. There is something about Saturday work that drains me more than anything else. It is sad to say, but I wasted the rest of the day.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 15 (20201108)

    Woke up close to noon, headache, not feeling great. Over 7 hours, which is not bad (better than recent Sundays). I forgot to set the 40-minute timer, and wasted a certain amount of time in front of the computer, looking for new foods to pack for lunch and eat. Wasted time, because most of the food that is decently healthy takes more time than I am looking to invest each morning. I did the routine (no fast food again, good), and talked to my mother for the first time in a two weeks. Surprisingly, she was not very chatty, and she was the first to suggest ending the call (!). Very unusual. I wasted a lot of time in front of the computer, as well as pacing/zoning out, as usual. I did do some cleaning in the kitchen, and cleared a few things out of the bathroom. Neither place looks good, but they look better than they’ve looked in a while. I forgot to do laundry today.

    About 4.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail.

    Weekly goals: Play guitar/new amp every night.
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     

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