Escape from purgatory: The sprint!

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Jul 4, 2020.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20200824)

    Woke up from about 4 hours of sleep, or a little more. Was extremely groggy until I got a few glasses of water, then I felt surprisingly good for most of the day, relative to the amount of sleep I was working with. “Long boring day.” I almost snapped at my coworker who wouldn’t shut up this morning. I put my headphones in, and he didn’t take the hint. I felt my hands ball up into fists and my shoulders tighten with irritation. I really don’t dislike the guy, but he does not appreciate the concept of peace and quiet.

    I listened to about 3.5 hours of Doctor Sleep on my iPod today at work. I had to take breaks for when I was walking around, or typing emails/writing notes. It made the day go by much faster and much easier. I was enjoying myself at work more than I ever thought I would. Almost spooky. I don’t want to get too complacent about moving on in life!

    At the gym, I tried doing some hanging leg raises without “active” shoulders (according to internet) and now my right arm’s tendon feels inflamed. Hope it goes away by tomorrow.

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 5/10
    Libido: 2/10
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20200825)

    Woke up from nearly 7 hours of sleep, surprisingly tired and groggy. Was late to work (but couldn’t make it up due to a 16:00 appointment). “Long boring day.” Impingement from my right shoulder through my elbow continued throughout the day, but was never intense. Lesson learned. When I got to work, the coworker who is usually there from the night shift wasn’t present, so I started the day off in a relaxed manner.

    Then I found out something more significant: One of my coworkers in the department was threatened with getting fired, and resigned. I had just reminded the department head that I was interested in moving up, and I’m the natural choice for replacing him. I haven’t heard anything yet, but I have high hopes. If I get his position, I will likely have access to all of the following:
    -Lower overall workload, with more daily flexibility
    -Ability to work from home on most days, if I wanted to
    -More flexible hours (so I could have a more natural feeling sleep schedule)
    -More downtime
    -Marginally higher pay
    The truth is that I kind of liked that guy. Of all of the people in the office, he was arguably the one I most enjoyed talking to. But he had a terrible attitude towards work, and passive aggressive tendencies, so I am not surprised he is finally gone. I hope, and expect, to hear about the position soon.

    After work, I went straight to the orthodontist for my night guard fitting. First, dental insurance rejected (damn them), so I had to unexpectedly drop around $350. Then, after a few minor grinds and fittings, I found it isn’t quite comfortable, despite being made from a mold of my teeth. It puts pressure on my upper right incisor. This might be due to me wearing a mouthguard that is broken in the middle, allowing my teeth to drift a bit, and nothing for the last two nights. We will see if this becomes more comfortable over the next few nights.

    After that, I went to fine foods store (it was a few blocks away, which made a surprisginly long trip, given the traffic at that time. Then I came home, ate dinner, then headed out to the currency exchange for quarters (they had none, and Target. I am going to run out of underwear soon. I didn’t get time to do much else.

    Weekly goals: N/A (too late in the week to plan them, so this will be a “free week”)
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20200826)

    Woke up from a normal night of sleep, feeling groggy once again. Can a lack of caffeine be involved? My front teeth aren’t as sore as expected, but I wonder if the new night guard is pressing my bottom teeth backwards (like an overbite). “Long boring day.” Long like an epic, today felt long in a way that I am failing to find adequate adjectives for. I was cranky all day, both at real things and at strange things my mind wanted to cling to. All of the optimism about the position I was expecting was gone, even before I heard the rumors (see following paragraph). I had no noticeable libido. I passed the half way on the audiobook today—I should really pace myself. I guess I could say that enjoying that book is the one marginal pleasure I experienced today. I sort of treated it in that obsessive, project-oriented way, though. Seeing how fast I could finish/”complete” it. That’s just how I am.

    I asked my coworker, who talks to the boss, if he heard anything about the position yet. He said he heard the boss is considering just terminating the position rather than promoting me. Maybe it was because the guy who just resigned was so much trouble. I should have gotten the position in the first place, though! I was such a better worker, everyone would agree. He just happened to be initially hired to the company before I was.

    I raged very briefly about this, then rapidly calmed back down. I felt like I just didn’t have the energy to felt the passion I should have. With the single exception of finding a good apartment this past September, the past two or so years have just been a cascade of bad things, one after the other. Most of the bad things I’ve imagined have happened, and all kinds of bad things I wouldn’t have even imagined have happened as well.

    I sat there for a while and tried to look at the “positive side” of things. How I could stay in my current position, but make the best of it. I honestly couldn’t think of anything. I am so burned out. I am far too burned out for any simple solution. I can’t even desire like I used to. I just have the memories of desire (desiring a better life, a social life, living meaningfully), and wish that I had that desire still in me to drive me. I just feel dead all the time, that all I can amount to getting by day to day, with all of the daily shortcomings, all of the bad habits I can’t kick (including the late bed time I am about to have as I type this).

    Went to the gym after work, and had the worst workout session in a while. I often feel strong when I’m pissed off, but that doesn’t always work out.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1/10
    Libido: 1/10
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20200827)

    Tried waking up at 6:00 instead of the standard 5:41, or the recent 5:50. I was a little rushed getting into work, but I think I could get used to this, and have a few more minutes of sleep each night.

    For the past few days, I have had so much to write about that I forgot to mention the heat. Heat index has been over 100 for most of the past few days. It’s around 75 in the office, well over that in the rest of the building (old building with poor air conditioning in places, and none in others), and around 82 in the kitchen of my apartment, and probably a little higher than that in the bedroom. I have been sweating and uncomfortable and miserable everywhere I go. I have noticed damp clothes, body odor, and a general feeling of sickness everywhere.

    “Long boring day.” I did the bare minimum at work today. I’m not talking about the corners I usually cut, I did substantially less than that. I just feel burned out. I don’t know what else to do. I feel defeated and hopeless.

    I requested time off. The second full week of October. I plan on taking [locational data omitted] road trip for two or three days, and, I don’t know, just chill for the rest, I guess. It’s still over a month off, and I am pretty sure that no vacation can heal my pathetic, battered soul at this point. It is just PTO I have accumulated that I have to burn by the end of the year. Better at home than at work! I should have a few days (four, I think) in addition to that.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (202000828)

    Woke up feeling refreshed today. Felt pretty optimistic in the morning, a feeling which quickly dissipated. “Long boring day.” Another day that felt especially long. Once again, I did the bare minimum, less than usual. Still feeling extremely burned out. Still not knowing what I am going to do with my life, in the near future. Other than the fact that I now have a weekend, I feel like a man inserted into someone else’s life, which just happens to have extremely familiar elements. Every element of my life—work, home life, time at the gym, reading, music, my nonexistent social life, memories, my uncomfortable and growing candida distended gut—is either confusion or pain right now.

    Weather is still terrible. Mid 90’s, with heat index in the mid 100’s. The office, the building, my apartment, the gym, all of these places are disgustingly hot. My only reprieve is going to shops and restaurants. Even my car has trouble keeping me cooler than the mid 70’s, so I keep it at 75.

    Getting a lot of pedantic emails from my supervisor. We don’t see eye to eye on how my job is best conducted, so I decided to visit the big boss for a minute or two to share my thoughts. He’s one of these kinds of guys…well, if you’ve been around businesspeople, you know them. (I’m not sure if there’s an accurate single term.) I’m feeling a little bit of brain fog, nothing dysfunctional, and the slightly monotone/blurred tone of voice I used to speak set off his little lizard brain to mean I am a peon, unworthy of respect, so he can barely peel his eyes off his computer to look at me. (I know he is not always like this because of how we’ve reacted when I am speaking and presenting myself better.) He didn’t say anything rude or unhelpful in response, but that presentation brought up a lot of memories. I truly think of these people as some kind of reptiles. They are only truly tuned to social cues, completely disrespectful, and can’t hide their contempt for perceived weakness for even a moment—even among people they are normally respectful to. I wish I didn’t have to share a planet with them.

    I’ve mentioned this at other points in time, but I haven’t written a poem in weeks. I kind of miss that. It was a good little escape from the drudgery of work. I completed 15 hours and 28 minutes of my audiobook this week. I didn’t listen to anything else, like music, just that. I’ve realized this is a pretty good way of getting through books, one which I have enjoyed. I have to choose my books wisely, and not pick something I would be easily distracted from, though. Stephen King has been easy, because of how his writing usually demands little of my attention.

    At the end of the day, I sent an email to the head of my department about whether that open position will be offered to someone else, or whether it will just be terminated. I was nervous about seeing the answer, which is why I clicked “send” right before I put my computer to sleep. I didn’t want to start the weekend off with something pessimistic.

    Gym session went really poorly. I was significantly weaker than Monday. I was expecting to finally blast through my OHP sets and get back to the weight I was pressing before the coronavirus lockdowns started. I have been really surprised how long it has taken to just get back to my current strength and skill levels on my main exercises. It has made me wonder if there is something inherently weak or faulty about my body, or if it’s aging, or something like that. The heat is probably involved, because I started my workout off very energetic nad strong, and then rapidly fell apart. Likely this attitude is just grumpiness and pessimism.

    The one legitimately hot girl on OKCupid that I was talking to, the one I might like to date instead of just make friends with, just deleted her account
    . This place sucks.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20200829)

    A very depressing and directionless Saturday. I relapsed right after I woke up. When I relapse at this time, I think it is due to the accumulated thoughts and images from letting my internet habits slip, which makes suggestions to the subconscious mind. I think the pessimism and depression and stress from the past week contributed a lot as well.

    Woke up at almost noon, after 8, maybe 8.5 hours of sleep. It felt good. Ate a few bites (not enough) before showering and rushing out of the house to get to the bank. I needed quarters for laundry and new blank checks for rent. After an unexpected amount of traffic down the obscure route that my phone’s GPS took me on, I found that the bank was closed. I hadn’t checked, which is on me, but isn’t it crazy that the bank is closed almost 6 months after the lockdowns started? The building is still there, and looks perfectly well maintained, it just had a flyer on the door saying it was closed “until further notice.” I had to find a local currency exchange store to get some quarters. After that, I paused, getting anxious, with that fear of wasting the weekend setting in. I surfed the web on my phone for a while, eventually making it to Chipotle for a meal, where I spent more time surfing the web on my phone. I dropped by the used video store, and went home around 16:00, gradually becoming depressed as I made my way back.

    I started cleaning the interior of my car, which is pretty filthy. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a while. I did not get a chance to go to the car wash, which has a vacuum I could use. I should do that tomorrow. I got a few errands done today. I need more than errands to have a satisfying weekend.

    Noticed that two loads of laundry and dryer is $6 ($1.50 x 4). That’s a decent amount of money—especially given that I only acquired $20 in quarters today. Two more loads of laundry (without the dryer) over the next 2-3 days.

    Tonight, I watched Ghosts of Mars as part of my project of watching all of the John Carpenter films. I didn’t pay it complete attention. I remember seeing scenes of this as a little kid, and thinking it looked asstarded. It was kind of silly (nowhere near as bad as I remembered), but in a fun, John Carpenter way. There were even things (particular scenes) I was impressed with in the film. Honestly, I could watch it again.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 3/10
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20200830)

    Woke up close to noon. A little over 6 hours of sleep. Didn’t feel great. Commenced the normal routine. I went to the car wash in the evening, and this time, it wasn’t close to closing time, so I took the time to vacuum the whole car for the first time. A 2016 model car, and I’m only giving it the full treatment in late August 2020…pure negligence. It’s not a big deal, but having a clean home, or a clean car, helps a little bit in getting my brain in the right place.

    I’m still as addicted to the internet as ever before, but over the past 2 or 3 weeks, I’ve had a lot of experiences where I have just realized that I am bored, and am not going to be satisfied by anything I read on the internet. After that, I just get up and do something else (although this hardly lasts, unfortunately). I feel like a part of me is itching to grow. Another part of me is desperately trying to resist.

    Finished Doctor Sleep today. Happy ending, surprisingly. I’ve found Stephen King is a good author to listen to at work, because his style is simple enough to not demand a lot of attention. Nonfiction in particular is much more demanding. Still need to finish the last little part of Necroscope. I’ve found that if I don’t finish books fast enough, I have trouble finishing them at all.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Don’t use the private browsing window at all. Though I am used to using this for a variety of reasons, including privacy from data collection, it can help facilitate bad habits. NO MORE PRIVATE BROWSING AT ALL. If I need to log out of my email accounts whenever I want to do searches/shopping/whatever else, so be it. Laziness is no excuse.
    2) See if I could find guitar lessons for Tuesday evenings.
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20200831)

    Woke up feeling absolutely fried. “Long boring day.” The day was slow and boring. I had trouble staying awake in the office. Coworker M*** came in, second time I saw him since the pandemic started. Enjoyed talking with him. Started the Salem’s Lot audiobook. Got 2:15:00 in. Very boring, so far.

    I got an email response back from the department head (technically on Friday, but I only saw it today). He said he wasn’t filling the position “at this time,” so maybe in the future…who knows. I do know no one who was hired in the position I am in now has had to wait as long as I have to either move up or get fired, which is frustrating. I didn’t respond.

    After work, I decided to go straight home to nap instead of going to the gym. Felt kind of good waking up, and watched two episodes of Monogatari Second Season while eating. However, I took too much time cleaning up, so today was mostly wasted time.

    This is something I meant to type yesterday, but I will put it here since it is still something on my mind. I have been thinking about how I am emotionally adjusting to the idea of a life of solitude. I have always thought I could “turn this around”. I have always thought that there’s some kind of plan in place, or I’m working on something that could change things. Well, all of my plans have been complete failures. If I am objective about the path I’m on, I will most likely die alone, never having had a serious relationship. This has always been a painful possibility to me, but I have always pushed it out of my thoughts. No more. There is no inevitable happy ending for me. This is a lonely life, which probably never gets better. It has already been more lonely and sad than I could have ever realistically imagined.

    Weekly goals: 1) failed at this one, but out of habit, not choice. When I realized what I was doing, I stopped. 2) no
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 3/25/10
  9. Sarek

    Sarek New Member


    I just read through your journey, keep your head up! You’ve done an absolute amazing job at documenting what you’ve been going through. I really sympathize with you how hard this is and how the days feel long and boring. I just started my recovery and about to hit day 7. You’ve inspired me to keep pushing through even though everything seems like it won’t get better. Please don’t accept a life of loneliness because there will be someone out there for you who will love you for who you are. I have the same thoughts a lot, but they’re not true. If you’re feeling lonely just know there’s someone out there (Me) who cares about your wellbeing.
    Ereignis and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Amen to that. And me as well !

    Despite the silence, hope you're doing all right @Ereignis.
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20200901)

    Can’t believe it is already September. I thought this year was going to be so busy, so exciting. It has been too slow and too fast at the same time.

    Woke up feeling groggy and depressed. What really stood out to me, especially when I spend much of a day napping, is how much one day just rolls into the other. There’s no time, no space that is made for us; if we daze out too long, it’s gone! The new day waits for no one. “Long boring day.” I felt a little anxious as well, for most of the day. It was like I felt I had more to do, but couldn’t think of what it was. After lunch, I was slightly bloated and uncomfortable for about 2 hours. I hadn’t had anything unusual to eat; it is just the candida, which will continue until I do another cleanse. I think that’s the big 2nd element to my gut health: First LDN, then occasional cleanses (hopefully not more than once a year).

    Gym session went horribly, again. When I got home, I had no urge to open up the computer and surf the web/listen to videos as I cooked. I just cooked, in silence. It was great! As I’m going to bed now, my mind is much more at peace than it usually is. This is a great development.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no (plan to tomorrow)
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 3/10
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20200902)

    Woke up from less than 7 hours of sleep (probably around 6h45m), but felt great. I was much more deeply refreshed than normal (and remembered fragments of a few dreams). I am sure that my minimal computer usage yesterday evening contributed greatly to that. I need to emulate that as often as possible. “Long boring day.” I had a lot of steady energy throughout the day, and seemed almost unphased by the caffeine I took in.

    After work, I spent a lot of time relaxing. I did get a few things done, like laundry. I read the second to last chapter of Necroscope (it is really difficult to finish this book, which I have been procrastinating). I checked and recorded my debit balance, which I now do two times per month. I closed Microsoft Word down for the first time in months, to reboot the computer—this entry was written on Document126! Still, I did get distracted by the computer a fair amount, after really intending not to. Old habits die hard…My mood did drop towards the end of the day, starting when I got home from work.

    Last week, my singing teacher recommended I work on two songs, both of which are terrible. I hold my tongue in these situations because I just want to learn the techniques as fast as possible, and he is generally good at teaching them. Over the past few months, I seem to have had a breakthrough, and so I have decided to be patient, even though a part of me wants to quit as part of an occasional self-sabotage routine. The song “Attention,” by Charlie Puth, especially sucks, because it’s an R&B song, more or less, and I hate R&B. The melodies in blues and R&B music often sound legitimately repulsive to me. One thing occurred to me is that continually listening to these songs, and listening to them more intently than I listen to most songs, is having a long-term effect on me. I sometimes even find myself whistling these melodies that I don’t enjoy, in the middle of the day…What effect does it have to have these repellent melodies bouncing around my head? If I don’t like them, surely for some real reason, is it healthy for these songs to habitually be in my head? It probably dampens my mood, at the very least.

    Weekly goals: 1) failed, just out of habit. Working on it 2) looked online, but couldn’t find a compatable teacher (yet)
    Mood: 4.25/10
    Libido: 4/10
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20200903)

    Woke up from a normal amount of sleep, kind of groggy and reluctant to get out of bed. Remembered fragments of a dream for the second night in a row. “Long boring day.” Eventually, my body got used to being awake. Very, very boring day.

    After work, I did a lot of reading instead of time on the computer. In fact, I didn’t even take my computer out until after I got home at night. At my singing lesson, the teacher was particularly complimentary of how I’ve performed recently. He said that, as of tonight, my singing range eclipsed his own. That made me feel good. It made me feel like a lot of the things I’ve been doing lately might actually be going somewhere, that I’m not just spinning my wheels.

    I have Monday off for Labor Day
    . I would have forgotten about that and drove to work if someone hadn’t reminded me (it has happened before).

    Weekly goals: 1) I failed today, a bit, at the end of the day. I am getting better, though! 2) see yesterday
    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20200904)

    Woke up kind of groggy again; could it have been the new kind of tea I’ve been drinking at night (TAZO DREAM)? “Long boring day.” I had the frequent temptation to surf the internet on my phone today, but couldn ‘t really think of anything I was interested in reading about. It felt like a long day, and I was painfully aware of every little detail that was bothering me. For a day that felt so long, I wish I could say more, but there is just not much to say.

    Towards the afternoon, I got that disoriented, tired, anxious feeling that I have been experiencing on Friday afternoons for the past few weeks. Surprisingly weak at the gym again. Maybe I just need to eat more throughout the week.

    I forgot to mention that I hit the halfway point of the Salem’s Lot audiobook yesterday. I should be finishing it early next week. It has gotten interesting enough to finish, but overall, is not a particularly well-written or interesting book. I was really exciting about it because I knew that the anime Shiki, which I love, is loosely based on it. Well, Shiki is great and Salem’s Lot is decent at best, apparently.

    I’m thinking about buying a blender and making high-calorie shakes in order to save time making money. I am very eager to find a way to spend less time on eating, food preparation, and cleaning up. I am so exhausted by the time I spend on these things. I thought about that “Huel” prepackaged foods as well, but it looks like they’re not too healthy.

    3-day weekend
    . Let’s see how it goes.

    Weekly goals: 1) I failed again. This is a deeply ingrained habit that I will need to tackle more deliberately going forward. 2) no
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20200905)

    Woke up from about 7.5 hours of sleep, close to noon. Same story as the past few weeks: I went to bed too late on Friday night (around 2:00), set my alarm for 9 hours of sleep, and woke up earlier than planned. 7.5 hours is pretty good, but I am best with the full 9, if only once a week.

    Ate, started screwing around around home (partially because I was indecisive about what I wanted to go out to do), and eventually got out around 14:45. It was almost the time when I would normally get out of work, and I was just “starting” my day. How annoying! It is hard to imagine how much time I waste due to the ways I manage my time like this. I took a joy ride back to the place where my old apartment was located, driving as far south as the Target parking lot and through my old neighborhood. It was a bit refreshing, something I don’t do often (although I come close every week). I drove up to the local [localized info omitted] to do some errands, and bought a candle from Yankee Candle that I think mom would like for Christmas. I ate at Sbarro, which I haven’t done in a long time, and it was very satisfying. Driving back, I enjoying listening to Sodom’s “Tapping the Vein” album, loud. It’s one of those things that just gets better with time, I think.

    At home, I played Nier: Automata for a few minutes. It’s the first time I’ve played a videogame in a while, and, while I enjoyed it, I did get irritated about not knowing exactly what to do immediately. I am not sure how much attention I can give to videogames at this point in my life. I put a few films on (Lost Boys again, then The Stuff, which was hilariously bad) while I did a number of things I had been planning to do this weekend (cleaning the apartment, cleaning out computer files/organizing, etc.). It was not satisfying, but I still have two days of weekend left.

    A habit I’m falling back into is using my mobile phone in bed
    . It’s a bad habit that can lead to relapse, so it is important not to let that work its way back into my life. I was pretty good about that for a few months.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 3/10
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Right before bed last night, I realized I had forgot to make and drink a cup of green tea. I believe this is the first time that has happened in a long time—probably months. It has become a very strong habit for me, for the better (I believe).

    Day 8 (20200906)

    Woke up close to noon, feeling pretty bad. I had a headache for a decent part of the day. I’m still not sure why, which is strange, because at this point in my life, I am usually very good at diagnosing why I am feeling bad whenever it happens. I imagine it has something to do with the disrupted sleep schedule that often happens on weekends.

    I did the usual routine: Grocery store, come home to eat, called the parents (both individually, since they’re in different states), zoned out for long periods of time. Towards the end of the day, I did go out and pulled the trigger on the blender idea. I bought one that was $99, which is a bit pricey, because it had a large capacity (don’t want to mix the same thing two times in a row) and the online reviews were pretty good. If this is as useful I expect it is going to be, it will be well worth it. I made one smoothie already, a mix of milk, kefir, almonds, and a banana. It was pretty good. I am hoping this can replace my lengthy dinners, in part or in whole.

    Going to bed late again, after a day of depression (more or less). It was the typical Sunday routine. What was different is that I have tomorrow off, so I can sleep in.

    Weekly goals: TBD
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 2/10
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20200907)

    Woke up past noon, with close to 8 hours of sleep. I felt pretty good. I ate a little bit, slowly, while watching an episode of anime, and then laid down and did some reading while my stomach settled. I eventually went to the gym, and it was so late that it was approximately the same time I would have gone if I had actually gone to work. Gym session was mixed; surprisingly strong on squats today, but then weaker than the past few weeks on bench press (I hate bench press BTW), and the gym was closing early so I just skipped the Pendlay rows and did a few accessory exercises. I read somewhere that bench press is particularly sensitive to weight gain/loss compared to other exercises, so that is likely my problem today (scale says I lost a bit of weight this week).

    Getting home, I drank a big shake with my new blender, and then didn’t do much for the rest of the day. It was a pretty refreshing day, and I am glad that I got it off, but I am still frustrated by how little I got done. As I’ve said over the past two weeks, getting a day off isn’t enough. Getting a week off isn’t enough. I am dealing with major burnout issues (not as bad as last week, granted) that will not be so quickly dispatched. I don’t know what to do about that, right now.

    Will be going to bed close to midnight. Considering when I woke up, this is pretty good.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Don’t immediately bring out the computer to browse during dinner. (I think this is where a lot of the dysfunctional addictive computer behavior is rooted.)
    2) Do not use private browsing at all. (Same as last week.)
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 3.75/10
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 (20200908)

    Woke up remembering a dream. Trivial content. One thing stood out, though: During the dream, I made a phone call to someone (presumably) in another state. When they responded, the point of view of my dream shifted to them, rather than staying 1st person. I think this is a dissociative tendency that comes from spending too much time on digital pursuits. At one point, all of my dreams were like that. Now it’s just some of them. Besides that, I hope that I get to a point again where my dreams are not all about trivial things. I do not know if and when that will happen.

    “Long boring day.” Listened to a very particular piece of instrumental music before I left for work today. It is something I discovered during my most depressed year (2010), and so it’s not something I can listen to easily. Still, it represents an intense passion, and a longing to go somewhere else and live a different kind of life. That passion is hard to connect to. It is closely connected to my imagination, which is also suffering. I think the kind of lifestyle I am living is poisoning my imagination. I can’t fix that immediately, but there are aspects of what goes into my mind which I can manipulate.

    I need to manipulate that as much as I can
    . I am not me without my imagination.

    After work, I came home and chugged a big shake as fast as possible—big mistake, upset stomach for most of the evening as a result. I ordered new checks online, which were surprisingly expensive—around $33 for a pack of 100 online (more than I need), vs $6 for 6 checks at the bank. But the bank is closed and I need new checks before my next rent date.

    Weekly goals: 1) fail 2) yes, for the most part
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 11 (20200909)

    Legs/lower body very sore today. Maybe I haven’t been sleeping enough, maybe that’s just how it is, but I felt it all day (especially when I went to the gym after work).

    My driving has been very irresponsible lately. On Saturday, I backed into the brick wall, leaving some deep and ugly scratches in the rear/left bumper. (I didn’t mention it in my journal, because I just don’t care much.) Today, I almost started to reverse when I saw a woman walking behind my car. She was wearing a long-sleeve shirt that was the color of the wall, so it was subtle, but I should still be more careful.

    “Long boring day.” The sore legs made everything feel even longer, and I was reluctant to walk anywhere. Today, I was very nostalgic about certain things in the past. I read a funny little article about what it’s like to work in one of the old jobs I had, which was terrible. I guess that triggered a train of though about my previous jobs. I fixated a lot on one job I’ve had: Delivering pizzas for a local pizza chain in summer 2010. It was really as good as I could expect: Great schedule (started at 11AM), relaxed for most of the day, constant change of scenery, and, best of all, I got to listen to Iron Maiden CD’s whenever I was driving. None of the jobs I’ve had since then have been as satisfying. I thought about how much of a waste it was to let my parents convince me to go to college, and to finish that degree, rather than dropping out. I felt so free during that job. I never feel free now.

    I feel like the bad habits I indulge in are a self-induced limitation. Maybe society is a prison, but my mind has its own prison within that. A mental prison, within a societal prison, within a prison of reality. That’s what I wrote down in my notes today, but I don’t remember exactly what that means.

    Finished Salem’s Lot. There were some good parts towards the end, but overall it was pretty boring.

    When I left work, it was actually cool outside. Well under the 75 degrees my car is set to regulate towards. Very sudden change, but feels good. I hope it lasts.

    Weak again at the gym. I need to sleep more (I think).

    Ordered 3 big bags of brazil nuts off Amazon. They are my favorite kind of nuts and I want to try them in smoothies. That came out to nearly $60, but will last for a while. I also bought The Stand audiobook, partially just because I want the challenge of listening to an audiobook that long. That was $32.99. I have been racking up a lot of expenses of various sorts lately.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes, and it was great for my mental state. Thoughts flowed much more naturally. 2) yes
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2/10
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 12 (20200910)

    Woke up from a deep sleep (and another trivial dream I don’t remember). Not as long as I would have liked, but a deep sleep. “Long boring day.” After I finally drank enough to clear my grogginess, I felt pretty relaxed throughout the day. It was not a very eventful or thoughtful day, just a day where my head felt more present than usual, and open to good experiences.

    I noticed a bigger difference when I got home and started preparing dinner. My environment seemed so much more vivid than it normally is: The cooler ambient temperature (10 degrees lower than a few weeks ago), the lighting in the kitchen, the sound of the oven and blender as I cooked. I was much more present than I usually am. I should clarify that, because I have sometimes mistook that idea for having a mind that’s less active or less curious. What it really means is that whatever’s on the mind can be appreciated with more focus and in more detail, with less distraction from intrusive thoughts. That’s what it meant for me today, at least. I felt the autumn coming, with some pleasant memories of that season, and turned off the lights and ate my dinner in candlelight to enjoy it while it lasted. By the end of the day, it was gone. My sex drive was noticeably higher than recently as well, but I had no cravings or desires to do anything inappropriate. It felt more “natural” than that.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes, to great success 2) yes
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 4/10

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