Escape from purgatory: The sprint!

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Jul 4, 2020.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 11 (20210103)

    Woke up past noon, again. Even after over a week of vacation has completely transformed my daily schedule, for some reason Sundays still feel like Sundays: Dreary and unproductive. I observed the same thing last week. So I woke up, went to the grocery store, picked up some fast food (McDonald’s) on the way home, and didn’t do much else for the rest of the day. I didn’t spend a huge amount of consecutive time on the computer, although I did return to the computer (in my room) quite a few times, and that broke up my day, which sort of prevented me from moving onto something more productive, as it often does.

    Today, I was still feeling lonely and thinking about how I’d like to have friends in my area again. The lockdowns over the past year have shut a lot of activity down, but something I’ve noticed over the past few years is how it seems like people my age just want to go to a smelly bar and get wasted whenever they have time off. I really don’t enjoy that. I have been drunk enough times in my life, and it is really not an exceptional experience. Maybe the first 25 times, but I’m far past that. I miss hanging out in living rooms, cruising around in the backseat of a friend’s car looking for something to do, stuff like that. Stuff we did before we could buy our own booze. I think one of the problems is that I have a lot more energy than most people my age.

    Going to bed very late (past 2:00) tonight, as I often do. I guess the following week will kind of be a test of whether I can switch things up a little or just fall back into my old habits. Don’t know if I’m going to sign up for that LA Fitness location tomorrow.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 12 (20210104)

    Monday. Monday! Woke up feeling like shit (well it was a Monday). Definitely not a feeling I missed. “Long boring day.” Despite today’s misery, the transition of going back to work after my break felt extremely “natural.” It actually made me feel a little nervous about how natural it felt to be back in work, almost as if I’ve been domesticated or something. It was at 11:26 that I realized I was working my first day of 2021. I didn’t have my normal work zip-up sweatshirt, because it was home drying from last night’s laundry load, so that kept me fairly cool. I think I would have had more trouble focusing if I was warm. Nonetheless, in the 45 minutes leading up to lunch, I was falling in and out of sleep.

    I saw a picture of heavy rain. It made me feel nostalgic. It rains here, but not heavily, like it sometimes did when I grew up. I think I might like the rain better than the snow.

    I think the energy drink I brought to work this week (Bang! Cotton Candy flavor) should probably be the last one I drink for a while. It would be healthy to go back to coffee and tea, and save the energy drinks for special occasions (heh).

    After work, I drove straight home and napped. I woke up, ate, wasted too much time doing various minor tasks, and went back to bed.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 13 (20210105)

    Woke up tired. When I got to the office, I was putting my food in the office refrigerator, and I noticed a pair of underwear stuck between my foot and shoe, being dragged alongside me. I seemed to unknowingly dragged this pair of underwear all the way to work. How embarrassing. I assume what happened was that I left that pair of underwear on top of my jeans last night, and they got stuffed alongside my leg as I was putting my jeans on. (It’s never happened before.) I am glad no one seemed to have noticed. “Long boring day.” Pretty uneventful day at work. After work, I went to the gym, and it was pretty late by the time I got there, and significantly later than normal when I left. I didn’t do a huge amount this evening, but am going to be later than normal.

    The lunch box I ordered from Amazon arrived. Part of me feels weird buying a lunch box as a grown man, but it is better than using plastic bags every day. I also got a course welcome mat (no words, just a brown mat with a rubber base) to put my shoes on when they’re wet. I never thought I would buy such a thing, but I really don’t mind it. In fact, the apartment looks a little better, a little more welcoming, with the doorway area not being completely empty. Just a little.

    Getting exactly 6 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2.75/10
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 14 (20210106)

    Woke up tired, almost slept through my alarms. I didn’t feel too bad after an hour or so of work. “Long boring day.” Honestly, the day was not as bad as normal. I felt more optimistic than usual. It was a vague optimism, not attached to any particular thing. I don’t think my brain was as active for most of the day as it usually is.

    After work, I drove to the grocery store ($20 more dollars—I have spent a lot on groceries in the past week and should examine that). I planned to go to the cash exchange store as well to get some coins for laundry, but decided not to. When I got home, I got enthralled by the news. As I’ve said, politics is something I’ve been trying to avoid, but I couldn’t help but click from page to page. I really got quite excited, and I hope that is not going to affect my (already disappointingly short) sleep.

    Taking a half-dose of LDN tonight. They shipped the refill today, hope it arrives in time. About 6.5 hours of sleep. Fail.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 5.5/10
    Libido: 3/10
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 15 (20210107)

    Woke up sort of tired, but recovered quickly and felt energized. “Long boring day.” It was a repetitive day, but certainly not the worst I’ve experienced. Looking back over the past few days, my writing seems a lot more positive than it usually is; is it possible that the vacation I had last week really did help me recover mentally, and I went into the new year mentally and emotionally healthier than normal? It might just be the case. As is often the case with the day after taking a half-dose of LDN, I had a lot more obtrusive sexual thoughts than normal, and those thoughts were often of a fetishistic nature. I had a lot more 3rd person sexual thoughts as well, which is something that usually happens after accidentally encountering arousing visual material. Something I’ve noticed about the LDN is that it reduces the kind of compulsive (I need it) sexuality, leaving the more positive (I would enjoy it) sexuality alone. That’s what it seemed like today, at least.

    I also spent some time looking at art prints. Since I have a couch coming next week, I figured now is the time to finally put the “living room” (for lack of a better term) together, making it comfy and appealing to guests. I’d like 1-2 more for the living room, and 1-2 for the kitchen. A lot of the pieces I’m leaning towards for the living room are more of the same (nature-oriented Romance era stuff, like the one I have [A View of the Collosseum at Night]), but I’ve been looking at items with a softer color palette for the kitchen. I’ve even been looking at food paintings! Garlic! How silly (but fitting).

    Getting about 6h40m of sleep tonight
    . Fail. But not as big of a failure as most Thursday nights.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 4.5/10
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 16 (20210108)

    A little tired again this morning. “Long boring day,” with lots of tedious work. Less horny/distracted than yesterday, especially in the afternoon, despite taking a half dose of LDN last night. I was very pessimistic today. I might not call it depressed, because depression is usually focused on my own life, and my mind attached itself to religious/societal themes today. I wish I had someone to rant to about my thoughts.

    I pulled out the journal from the bottom cabinet and wrote a little poem before wrapping my work up for the day. It was quite bad, but felt good to do it. First time since August 12, apparently. Was pretty strong during my gym session, but not on every exercise. Low bar squat was easy (first time trying it since I tried it with the trainer last week).

    I MO’d tonight, partially out of boredom and Friday evening ennui. I need to be especially careful not to let this trigger a PMO as a response.

    Getting about 6h15m of sleep tonight
    . Fail. It could have been 6h40m, I just started zoning out. This is inadequate sleep for every night this week. I need to stop this.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 4/10

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