Escape from purgatory: The sprint!

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Jul 4, 2020.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20201217)

    Last night, my sleep was disrupted. I woke up twice in the early morning, but managed to fall back asleep. I don’t know why; that is something that happened to me often as a child but has not been an issue in the last few years. “Long boring day.” Objectively, today was more boring than even the last few days, but I was in a headspace where it didn’t bother me too much. In fact, I was in a noticeably brighter mood today than over the past few days. My head felt pretty clear as well. I did do a fair amount of internet surfing, but wasn’t intensely interested in what I saw, and didn’t feel compelled to do it. I’m still feeling a lot of the unease about where I am in my life and my future, I just don’t feel like I really need to sort it out in my head in order to feel better.

    Procrastinated (predictably) after getting home from the lesson. Played some rounds of Doom Eternal (fun game that makes it very easy to procrastinate).

    Getting just over 6 hours of sleep tonight
    . Failure (as always; honestly, when do I not fail these days?).

    Weekly goals: Feel like I’m edging a little in that direction, with the clearer head and less time surfing at work. Still, I wasted time the usual way this evening (as always).
    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 4.25/10
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20201218)

    Woke up tired and feeling drained. I didn’t completely get to my normal energy levels for the whole day. “Long boring day.” I just realized today that I have three more work days before the end of the year. Wow. That came fast! It is a certainty now that I will not catch up on a lot of things that are “supposed” to get finished by the end of the year, but I suspect (hope) everyone is so busy that no one will notice for a while. Towards the end of the day, I really noticed that low-dopamine method of nervous and inarticulate talking coming out.

    There was a question about whether we were getting bonuses this year (we normally would have had a meeting about it). We did. Mine was considerably larger than last year’s. I also got a $150 check from the state treasury in the mail, from a previous job. Between those two things and the weekly paycheck, I got a considerable amount of money today. I don’t know if there’s anything in particular I should do with it. I should really just save it. I used to think that my savings would be a big fund that could increase my quality of life, and maybe let me retire early. What a joke. Better late than never, though.

    Towards the end of the day, I noticed one of the higher-ups from the office was giving a young-ish lady a tour around the facility. She had sort of a stereotypical professional/“geeky” look, with brown hair, big glasses, and a well-fit pant suit. I couldn’t help but notice her hourglass waist, feminine gait and nice-looking straight hair. She might not be someone who would get my attention in other points in my life, but she reminded me how little non-professional interaction with women I’ve had in the past two years. There was something about her that was disarmingly normal, yet still attractive. I am lonely.

    I’ve noticed over the past few weeks that my hair is becoming a nuisance. As part of custom, I haven’t cut it since June. I have to make an effort to keep it out of my face now. Monday’s (Winter Solstice, new beginning) haircut will be well-timed. (Although I do look better with longer hair.)

    Tomorrow, I begin two full days without the internet
    . I predict it will be irritating and a bit difficult at first, but more satisfying and relaxing towards the end. My goal is to be in the right state of mind for Monday, Winter Solstice, to reflect on my life more effectively. Tonight, I get to sleep in for the first Saturday morning in I don’t remember how long.

    Weekly goals: COMMENCING
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20201219)

    For the first time in many weeks (not sure exactly how many), I have Saturday to myself, so I could sleep in. I set my alarm for a little over 8 hours, enough for a very refreshing night. However, my landlord came knocking first thing in the morning, demanding I move my car so that some maintenance guy could do something. That was after only 5.5 hours of sleep—significantly worse than a normal weeknight of sleep, in fact. I couldn’t get back to sleep for any significant length of time after that. I was very frustrated and discouraged by this, and felt like I was in a kind of haze for hours after I finally got out of bed. I was tired all day.

    Doing the no-internet thing has been a bit difficult today. It feels like I have a huge amount more time to get things done. I actually noticed how much time there is with no distractions when I was driving to the local Target today. The streets seemed so long, longer than I had ever noticed before, and there were so many traffic lights on the way. Tonight, as I was doing things alone that I often do over the weekend, I noticed, truly noticed, a feeling I often get in a vague way but never so clearly: I could be doing something else, something meaningful, with this time. I want to do something meaningful with this time, right now. It was a more directed feeling than the vague guilt I usually feel.

    Other than that, I didn’t really have any big plans for the weekend. I tried to make it to the post office to mail mom’s gift, but forgot about the train and missed it. Then I ate at Chipotle, went to the used DVD store, and came home.

    As for whether today’s conduct will help me with being in a different state of mind on Monday, time will tell. I think that if I continue to experience these benefits, I should live more like this every weekend.

    Weekly goals: Yes!
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 3/10
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20201220)

    Woke up after about a little over 7 hours of sleep (I think). Banging on the roof (again), same as yesterday. I felt decent, much better than yesterday. Without the internet to distract me, I was a little listless, just pacing around the apartment, looking for a little hit of dopamine before heading out to the grocery store. I listened to a Youtube fitness blogger I check in on every week on the way to the grocery store, so I broke my rule for the first time a bit for that, but turned it off when I arrived. Eventually I came home, ate, and, at first, everything felt a lot smoother. That Sunday depression was present, but it was much weaker than normal. I was moving from one task to another, and it felt like I had plenty of time to do everything. Still, towards the end of the day, I started to feel sluggish, and that feeling accelerated until now (1:33AM), when I am going to bed as late as ever, despite everything.

    Towards the end of the day, I broke down in this habit
    . I looked at a few internet pages. Not the kind of stuff I usually look at, nothing objectionable, I just skimmed a few seconds here and there, and maybe up to 2-5 minutes at most. It just felt “natural” to do that, it’s part of my day. My head didn’t really spin, but it did waste time insofar as it broke up the normal progression of actually getting stuff done. That’s the real source of wasted time. A tiny bit here, a tiny bit there, but the interruption to my productive behavior is huge. I need to take this into account.

    One thing my mind latched onto today was some girl I was briefly in chemistry class, and sometimes sat at lunch with, during high school. A few days ago, I heard someone mention being nostalgic about the days when emo/scene was a fad, and then, I heard something else about the people you wish you appreciated better…I guess a few vague memories got crossed in my head and her face came up. I don’t remember her name. If I still had a Facebook I might be able to look her up. This is probably a result of me being so isolated and lonely. I just remember she was really nice to me and made a brief effort to make friends, but then, not. I wonder where she is now. I bet she has a family.

    I should start writing these YBR updates earlier
    . Maybe I could start when I get home from work, or in the early evening, and just update them with my thoughts before I go to bed. I think this writing is keeping me up many nights.

    I don’t know if I am going to be in an unusual state of mind for Winter Solstice tomorrow. What I really should have gathered from this experience is that it’s just a better way to live. My head is clearer, my emotions are clearer, I have more time to do things without distractions. I should take lessons for long-term improvements.

    Getting a little less than 4 hours of sleep tonight.

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 4.25/10
    Libido: 3/10
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20201221)

    Woke up from less than 4 hours of sleep. Very tired all day. Lost weight again, despite eating more than ever. “Long boring day.” Had to stop myself from falling asleep at various times throughout the day. Not surfing the internet was hard, but not as hard as I expected it to be. Ear piercing noise from somewhere in the facility, that was unpleasant. I was reluctant to come straight home to nap, because I have a lot of things to do, but that’s eventually what I decided to do. I did not sleep well, because I had enough caffeine in my system to have energy, yet a low enough amount to have a mild withdrawal headache. After I woke up, I walked to the barbershop a few doors down to get a haircut. I was third in line (technically after closing time of 20:00), waited until 20:30, and then just left. Guess I will have to get a haircut tomorrow. I didn’t end up getting anything done other than visiting the ATM to withdraw some cash.

    I think the last three days of avoiding the internet, even though I have not been as diligent about it as I had wanted to be, has taught me something. I think my thoughts and emotions lie on a spectrum of vulnerability: On one side, the cloudy haze that I am used to experiencing. In the middle, there is an emotionally invested logic that includes things like focusing on clear long-term plans, and feeling my life story is a logical series of steps that I feel emotionally invested in. On the other side, which is the side that I do not experience often, I feel more connected with feelings, relationships, intimate experiences. I’m more empathetic (I think). Today, I felt a sense of loss at a lot of the opportunities with other people that I have missed out on over the years, but also felt like there might be opportunities in the future I could take advantage of if I keep an open mind.

    Something that I have thought about a handful of times over my life, which occurred to me again today, is that maybe people have one chance of reproduction in life and I have missed mine. I remember in high school, one of the girls who flirted [aggressively] with me, AB. I never dated her because she had creepy-looking crossed eyes, which actually got surgically fixed a year or two later, and she wasn’t the type I imagined myself dating, even though I MO’d to her numerous times. She found a different love interest not too long after, and purposefully got pregnant from him before she even finished high school. (I had transferred to another school by then, but heard about it when we were both college age, I think.) I thought the idea of being a dad at that age was terrible, but now that it looks like I am going to be alone and childless forever, I wonder if that would have been the better option.

    The main takeaway from this experiment is that this is something I should be doing often, most of the time even. I feel so much more clear and focused without the constant, pointless distractions.

    Weekly goals: N/A. I have so many things to do already, I don’t need additional goals
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 4/10
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 (20201222)

    Woke up feeling refreshed and positive. “Long boring day.” I’m not under self-imposed rules not to surf the web today, and I did feel normal temptations to zone out instead of getting things done, but even surfing the web a bit felt like an undesirable return to normalcy. It was like I felt a bit of a nasty buzz, like when I used to have a cigarette after months without. I’m sure there are a few things I will continue to want to read or check in on, but I would be much happier, both in the moment and in the longer-term, with drastically less digital distractions. I think I’ve only scraped the surface of what benefits I could get from this change.

    After the gym, I got a haircut. Usual place. I had to repeatedly tell the guy not to do that weird shave along the sides that latino barbershop customers like for some reason. The guy messed up the sideburns (about ½ cm longer on one side than the other), and I’m back to babyfaced mode with the short hair, but I don’t care. Having short hair is refreshing. I feel clean and fresh again, and I don’t have to wait for my hair to dry after getting out of the shower. A new beginning for a new year, as intended.

    Just one day left before I have an 11-day break from work, carrying me into 2021. I believe that is the longest period I will have ever taken off at this job.

    Getting about 6h40m of sleep tonight
    . Fail.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 3/10
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20201223)

    “Long boring day.” The last day before the break, it felt longer than it needed to. It was not an especially unpleasant or difficult day. I got the office to myself. All day long, I was experiencing the after-effects of my 3-day “internet-free” period. I simultaneously enjoyed the clarity of mind and positivity, but wanted the stimulation. The temptation to surf was too strong, though, so I did, although mostly in brief periods. I got a brain buzz from those brief periods. What is particularly interesting was my sexual imagination over this period: First, I was very vivid and active (moreso than usual), focusing exclusively on my “natural” (i.e. normal, personal) sexuality. After a little bit of time on the web—nothing sexual or arousing at all—my mind suddenly started generating fetishistic fantasies. It was a clear break from one to the other. I have kept some tabs open on my phone to try and investigate whether there was a specific link (somehow) between some content I came across and those fetishistic fantasies, which I doubt. The other explanation is that simply in surfing the internet, any kind of content is fuel for those fetishes. This would be a very interesting, very useful insight.

    Leaving my internet habits behind will be much easier said than done. However, now that I have seen that doing so has even more benefits than I had originally thought, I need to figure a way to implement this. I will be hard (like today, see next paragraph), but also a key to my recovery.

    Came straight home after work. I didn’t have anything to do other than drop mom’s Christmas gift off at the post office, and I picked up some Mexican food on the way back. Right when I got home, I relapsed. I need to be careful not to make this the experience over my whole break.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 5/10
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20201224)

    Christmas Eve

    Woke up in the late morning, feeling very refreshed. By the time I got out of bed, it was already too late to go to UPS (closed at noon). Started to munch on some lunch, lazily, and eventually got out of the house around 15:00. I went to the gym. I pushed myself pretty hard at the gym, and was unusually lightheaded and out of breath multiple times. I think it was a result of less food/caffeine than usual by this time of the day. At any rate, I was weaker than usual on all of my major exercises. I thought that maybe going into the gym well-rested would have helped, but no. Something happened that really irritated me. Some guy who I had spoken to before (because he wanted to offer coaching sessions) came over and made small talk, as he has before. He mentioned my new haircut, and somehow related that to the “beginning of [my] fitness journey.” Why did he say this? What made him draw that conclusion? I do consider myself a beginner, but I am certainly more consistent, and better at certain movements, than the vast majority of people there. But then again, as I often mention, some exercises have been extremely stubborn in not improving beyond the beginner stage. I guess I’m just weak. Way weaker than the amount of time I have put into the gym should warrant. Weak enough for this fucking prick to assume that I just walked into the gym for the first time recently. Shit, what a fucking embarrassment.

    Came home, and decided to try taking a brief nap. I set my alarm for 90 minutes, and probably only slept for 20-40 minutes of it. After I woke up, it was already fairly late. I did nothing for the rest of the day. It was a depressing day. A depressing year. A depressing life.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 4/10
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20201225)

    Christmas Day

    Woke up close to noon. Munched on some food (I am running out fast and need to do an early grocery run tomorrow), and called the parents soon after. My sister had just arrived home after a negative COVID test. I talked to them for a while—they apologized for the gifts not arriving on time, as expected, and I told them it didn’t matter. I told them it really didn’t feel like Christmas anyway, which is the truth. I didn’t go outside a single time today. I told myself that I was going to go outside to take a walk multiple times, but I didn’t get around to it. I was in a loop of being hungry but procrastinating eating, going on the laptop to read/watch stuff on the internet that I really don’t need, and turning on the PS4 to play a few rounds of video games. That has become a sort of toxic loop over the past few weeks. I would have gone out for some food, but the holiday has everything closed.

    I didn’t end up doing anything unusual. I did a load of laundry (red). I finished a movie I rented on Amazon Prime (Nightmare on Elm Street 3) and started another; neither were films I haven’t seen before, just movies I saw once, a long time ago, that I wanted to feel some nostalgia over. Today was a frustrating day. Some of my worst internet surfing habits seeped back into my life. I am still thinking about that experiment I did, less than a week ago. I really think that is the way to go moving forward.

    Tomorrow is post-holiday. Even though I have over a week free, that is when most people are going back to their normal routines. I need to focus on not living out tomorrow (and the following days) the same way as I did today.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 3/10
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20201226)

    Woke up in the late morning. Felt refreshed. Munched on food, which took longer than average, as I was trying to put together meals from a nearly depleted pantry. I told myself I would make a quick trip to the grocery store later in the day, which I never did.

    I eventually went to the gym. Between procrastinating, looking for my water bottle (still in the car), packing up and leaving, delicately stuffing my stuff in my overflowing bag since most of the lockers are still closed due to COVID restrictions (didn’t want to drop my keys out of my jeans pocket or anything), doing a leisurely workout after waiting for equipment (crowded again), coming home, procrastinating some more, and showering, that took a good 3 or more hours. Time was running out for the opportunity to actually go out and do something to relieve my cabin fever. I did go out to pick up some Chick-Fil-A, but that was it. I did take some measurements of the doorway and hall dimensions, which will hopefully help when I pick out the next couch to attempt to have delivered.

    I didn’t mind today. It was a relaxing day off, and days off are something I could use more of. I am experiencing some cabin fever, though. I’m glad I at least got something done that I have been promising to do for a while.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 2/10
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20201227)

    Sunday. In a lot of ways, today resembled a normal Sunday. I woke up in the late morning, made my way to the grocery store, then returned for a mostly unproductive, depressed day (although my depression was much milder today than on most Sundays). I tried calling the parents, and was relieved when they didn’t pick up (I was really not in the mood to talk). I didn’t buy any fast food today, which (hopefully) becomes a habit.

    I did start some cleaning of the kitchen. It’s far from clean, but it looks a little more liveable than it did before. Tomorrow, I want to avoid any distractions (especially on the computer) before eating and going to the gym. I need to get that finished early in the day, and then get out in the afternoon—probably furniture shopping. I’d also like to get some reading done.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Think about New Year’s. Think about this year as well. Make practical, actionable goals and ideas about what to do over the next year. Reread old YBR posts if possible.
    2) If possible, find a place in nature to spend time in which is within a day’s driving distance.
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20201228)

    Woke up in the late morning, tried to munch down a few foods before heading out. All of my efforts stuffing myself over the last week have put some weight on me, but barely. When I got to the gym, I think I was still underfed/dehydrated, because I was a little lightheaded and remarkably weak (frustrating). I talked to the friendly trainer guy and we agreed to a personal training session on Wednesday at 13:00. I figure why not; I have time off so I may as well do something out of the ordinary. I dropped by the (nice) grocery store on the way home.

    At home, I wasted some time before heading out again to visit the furniture store. (It’s not something I’m enthusiastic about, just something I need to get done. When I get a couch, I can start to make my apartment more livable. Plus, it seems like my inflatable mattress is slowly starting to die.) For some reason, all of the stores seem to be closing early this week. Is that the norm for the week leading up to New Year’s? I have never noticed/heard of something like that before. I got there with only 10-15 minutes to spare. I found a gray chaise/sofa set that was reasonably priced and had a top that folds down/legs that screw in/out. This is probably the ideal set of features for getting it down the hall. The style…well, it’s not exceptional, but it could look fine, depending on the rest of the room. I really hate how many pieces of furniture are only offered in dull grays, browns, and navy blues. It’s hard to make the kind of mood I want wish such dull, unenthusiastic colors. They’re like the visual representation of compromise. I plan to look at a few more places tomorrow and seal the deal if possible. This sofa thing has gone on for too long.

    Something I noticed when thinking about what I’m going to write down for tomorrow’s plans is this: Between these posts, the items I put on the Reminders app on my phone, and the little lists I make on my phone in Notes, there is only one thing that I can put down whose inclusion has no effect on my behavior at all. It doesn’t matter how many times I add it to those lists, or how emphatically it is worded. That item is playing guitar. Why is that? Why can I eventually motivate myself to do just about anything other than playing guitar? What makes it so hard?

    Weekly goals: 1) not really 2) no
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20201229)

    Woke up in the late morning, and ate a leisurely brunch before slowly getting ready to head out. I got distracted and didn’t leave until around 16:00. That was a bad decision on my part, because right as I was leaving, a snowstorm was picking up. Traffic was at a crawl (many people were driving less than 10MPH—which I should have done). The reasonable thing might have been to stop, drive home, and just finish my furniture shopping some other day, but I didn’t do that. I didn’t want another relaxing but unproductive day. I didn’t want another day of sitting around my apartment. I recognized that my long vacation was roughly half-way finished, and, like always during my time off, I wanted more but had trouble making it happen.

    I slowly made my way to the first and only furniture store. I talked to the sales rep about my issue, and spent a few minutes looking at items. They were pretty expensive. I felt out of it (undercaffeinated?). I left, intending to go straight to the store I went to the other day to make the order for that ugly couch. On my way, I had a car accident. I was slowly drifting towards a car that was parked in front of an intersection. I hit the brakes, and noticed I wasn’t breaking fast enough, so I tried to get into the turn lane to avoid a collision. My car drifted a bit and the back of it on the right side hit the other guy’s bumper. Oh shit, I thought. I parked, put on my emergency lights, and exchanged info with the guy. He was a kid, and he was driving home from the local mall he worked at. No one was injured and the damage was nothing more than bumper damage. Still, I felt shook up about it, and was very depressed driving home. I kind of felt like this was coming for a while. Even when I pay close attention to the road, like today, my driving has not been good lately. As I was driving home, and when I first got home, I was worried about my car insurance rates going up.

    Luckily he texted me soon after I got home and suggested that we just pay for damages out of pocket. Neither of us want our insurance rates to go up, he reasoned. That really was a welcome suggestion. I am not positive that that is what we will do but I am optimistic about it. It is really the best we can get out of the situation. He seems like a chill guy, honestly. I could definitely have hit someone worse. We will see how it goes.

    Needless to say, the last thing I want to do is to drive all the way out there a third time to make the order. I will see if I can order it from them tomorrow over the phone. I want to get this whole ordeal finished with. I didn’t do much else (other than staying up late) for the rest of the night. I want the second half of my vacation to be a better one. Introspective, not distracted. Maybe I’ll even do THE THING THAT CANNOT BE NAMED.

    Weekly goals: 1) a little thinking 2) yes
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20201230)

    I had set my alarm to give me about 6 hours of sleep—which would have been the shortest sleep of my time off—but I was woken up early by phone calls. I was sleepy and tired all day as a result. It was the guy I got in an accident with yesterday. He texted me the estimated cost of his damage ($2143 and up, more than I expected), and we decided we should report it to the police and insurance. We agreed to meet up at the police station at 15:30.

    I’ve noticed that my relationship with my bedroom is changing. I don’t find it to be as depressing of a place as I originally did. I am spending more time in there when I am not asleep, although I don’t know if that’s a good thing. But it currently doesn’t really bother me much. I am keeping it a little more tidy, so that might help.

    I stuffed my face before leaving for the personal training session. I told him about my issue falling forward during squats, and he had me try low-bar squats instead. Instant improvement, and I made a PR of 245. (I failed on 255, possibly because of fatigue/not enough warmups.) That was encouraging, but nothing else we did during the session was very helpful.

    We went to the station. I had to wait in the lobby for the other guy to arrive. Things went smoothly, and they said we didn’t even really need a police report, and to just file the report with insurance instead. That is what I did, after I got home a few hours later.

    While I said that I would try and order the couch over the phone, it was only a few blocks away from the station, so it just made sense to go ahead and do it. The total expense was under $1,100, with an estimated delivery date of January 13. Not too bad. If it does get delivered on that date (and I have to be wary of that date), I will be glad to be done with this whole ordeal, and my apartment can finally start looking like it is actually occupied.

    After driving home from that, I accidentally put in a similar address to my home address in the GPS app, and drove out north, and then realized that and spent the better part of an hour driving home (picking up Chick-Fil-A on the way back). By the time I got home, it was over 3 hours past the station meeting time. I had some more dinner and spent the rest of the night at home.

    Funny thing, I went to that small gas station store a few doors down from my apartment. I mentioned that when I first moved here over a year ago, I went here and bought the remaining white-cap Monster Rehab white tea cans, which were discontinued sometime around 2017-2018. When I went today, there were two more cans of it left! They must be drawing from a very old stock closet somewhere. Needless to say, I did not leave that store without those cans. I will revisit again before too long. Who knows what I will find.

    Just one day left of the year 2020. Hard to really say what I feel about it right now.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3/10
  15. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    It is most important that you try to leave porn from your life. I have found that leaving porn simply is not enough. Masturbation to once addicted mind is "pointless energy waste" as Gabe put it out. And, I agree. It's just pointless. I have assumed that you are addicted to porn and that you are trying to stop porn and masturbation completely. I pointed out that trying to leave porn and masturbation completely is hard step and what worked for me is that I managed to stop porn first. I have not watched porn but few times in last few years, but were unable to stop masturbation / other unhealthy, related activities completely. Try little steps and stop porn first? That I did try to say.

    I respect you. The fact that you try to rid yourself from porn is enough for that. Many of people do not bother. You are among the wisest to see that it is important. I wish you well, and above all good fortune to year 2021!
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Well, thanks for the good wishes.
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20201231)

    Woke up in the late morning, fairly tired. I had a headache, which would continue for most of the day. I returned a call to the insurance company regarding the incident from a few days ago. (Mostly just repeating the same thing I’ve said before. I’m not sure if/when I am taking my car into the body shop.) After that, I cooked a bit of food—not enough—and gulped down a lot of caffeine in order to make the headache go away, which didn’t work. I probably ended up drinking upwards of 75mg today, which is bad, since I am trying to taper off. (In hindsight, not eating enough was probably the cause of the headache.)

    I had a bit of anxiety today. I tried to be high-minded and think of the big picture. New Year’s is usually my favorite holiday (maybe tied with Halloween), but I just really wasn’t feeling it today. It just didn’t really feel like New Year’s for most of the day. I spent a fair amount of time updating YBR (I hadn’t posted any of my updates in over a month), and compiling a little list of insights I had to look at later. I procrastinated going to Target to pick up a few things (insignificant things—I really wanted to get out). I got there close to closing time. On my way back, the pickup food option that I wanted had closed early, so I picked up some McDonald’s.

    I did my normal New Year’s ritual. I didn’t really enjoy it, but the record is there to look back on. I had some sparkling cider, which is what I used to drink when I wasn’t old enough to have alcohol, but now I enjoy it more. Just minutes before midnight, I decided to take a walk outside to burn off some steam. I left my watch and phone home so I wouldn’t “know” exactly when the year changed, although there were fireworks of course. The walk lasted well over an hour.

    New Year’s Resolutions should get a post of their own
    . I have a lot of thoughts. I did stay up very late (I will be going to bed around 6AM) accidentally. I will probably not be getting a good night’s sleep as a result.

    Weekly goals: N/A. Today is for making annual goals, not weekly goals.
    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20210101)

    Woke up close to 14:00 today. Today was a short day. I decided to skip the gym and just spend the holiday in a relaxed state. I spent a fair amount of time reviewing what I had written down as notes for my New Year’s Resolutions, but I did make a final list. I really should make that final list tomorrow (and compare it with last year’s). I tried to go out to pick up some food this evening, but the snow started coming down, and a lot of places were closed/closed early due to the holiday. I spent a lot of time in the evening cleaning up the kitchen—it is not fully clean now, but it lacks the absolutely chaotic feeling it had. I want to keep it cleaner this year, and start the year off not feeling overwhelmed.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 2/10
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 (20210102)

    Woke up past noon today. I will spare the details, but today was another very short, slightly depressing day. I had the feeling that I needed to “do something,” since it was my second to last day of break, but I couldn’t think of anything special I could do. I had some things around the apartment to get done, and I procrastinated a lot in doing them. I went out for a drive in the evening, which felt great, just getting out. Today was pretty relaxing, even if it was disappointing. I did get my New Year’s Resolutions sorted out, which will be a post of its own. I was careful to not be too ambitious in order to make them practical.

    The past few days, I have been feeling really nostalgic about certain parts of my adolescence, reflected in certain pop culture items of 2005-2010 or so. I kind of want those days to come back, on some level, because even though I was very critical of a lot of people back then, I think everyone had it better than we have it now. Less atomization, fewer people glued to their mobiles all day, less paranoia and moral insanity in the media and general zeitgeist, and so on. Perhaps the biggest thing was that there were actual social events. I never imagined I would have to appreciate opportunities like that. I never took advantage of it much. They’re gone right now, though. I don’t know if they’re going to come back. Part of me suspects we will never be as free as we were in 2019 and before that. But more than that, I just want to have friends again.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    New Year’s Resolutions 2021

    1. Have as many vivid dreams as possible. Experiment with [safe] new ways of trying to expand and enrich these dreams.
    2. Decorate and furnish apartment so that it is welcoming to guests. Keep apartment consistently cleaner and tidier than it has been in 2019-2020. (Aim for apartment to always be “presentable” with less than 30 minutes of cleaning.)
    3. Ponder the concept of my two selves. Strive to understand my true self, and how to embrace that self when I need to.
    4. Regulate internet usage. Try to live more in the real world. Avoid letting internet usage seep into every gap of free time I experience.
    a. No looking at political content online until at least June.
    b. No 4chan usage all year (unless looking for info on a specific current event July or later).


    1. Finish reading the history of philosophy series I started years ago. Read more about philosophy and theology in general.
    2. Undergo the self-authoring and future-authoring programs.

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