Escape from purgatory: The sprint!

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Jul 4, 2020.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20201127)

    Woke up from 6 hours of sleep (or marginally less, perhaps) extremely tired. I was unusually tired for that amount of rest, and it continued all day. “Long boring day.” My legs were still very sore, and my voice and upper back were sore/felt off from the brief yelling fits I had while raging. Not many people were present at work. Everything was slow and boring. I was very depressed. I had a feeling that I would have a hard time caring about anything.

    Due to the holiday pay, plus the overtime, I’m working 2.5x what I normally get paid hourly, and this is my best paying job to date, so this might have been the most profitable day of work I’ve ever worked. Kind of embarrassing when I thought about how unproductive I was, and how I still failed to start working on the “big” year-end stuff. I went to the gym after work, and had arguably the worst gym session I’ve ever had. I had a second set of zero reps on the OHP—that’s never happened before. I hope it’s just the lack of rest.

    Occupied too much of my time hunting for Black Friday deals online tonight. Getting only about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight—shit shit shit shit shit. FML. I really needed a good night’s sleep tonight… Fail.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
     
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20201128)

    Saturday, woke up early to start the work day. Tired: Six and a half hours was not enough sleep. “Long boring day.” Felt depleted all day. I think it was the continuous, cumulative effect of not getting enough sleep, night after night this week, plus general depression. Things were slow, as they often are on weekdays, and I took the risk of falling into shallow sleep for the better part of an hour, waking myself up with 10-20 minute alarms.

    After work, I drove to [locational info redacted] to visit the Apple Store. They have a new policy where they won’t let anyone in without an appointment, even to schedule an appointment. So I was standing out in the cold, getting vague instructions from the private security people about how to set up an appointment. I tried through their official support portal, which was horrible, as it always was. Then I tried the support number, and they couldn’t set up an appointment if I didn’t have the serial number, which I couldn’t look up on the phone because of the broken screen. (It seems like an obvious problem that Apple support always fails to predict.) Later I would find that number, but only at home when it was too late to schedule. I went to Macy’s, and was planning on buying a Barbour vest, but decided it might be better to ask for that from mom as a Christmas gift (she sometimes complains about me not giving her ideas). I also went to the store and replaced my jeans, feeling some coins fall through my holes in the pockets for the first time just as I was picking out their replacement.

    Evening was dull (I was too exhausted to do much of anything), but I did pull out the guitar and noodle on it a bit, and even enjoyed myself.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1.75/10
     
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20201129)

    Woke up at the usual Sunday time, close to noon. Got close to 8 hours of sleep, but didn’t feel great, because I was already withdrawing from caffeine. Wasted some time dicking around on the computer (I should have used the 40-MINUTE TIMER), waiting for my head to get right, before leaving for the grocery store. My normal grocery/shopping list is on my currently- damaged phone, so I likely forgot something important that I will realize in the next few days.

    I had to wait a particularly long time for the caffeine to “catch up” and erase my headache—after which I became hyper and uncomfortable. I eased my discomfort by just surfing the web endlessly, which is kind of a continuation of what I’ve been doing for most of the week. That’s a big problem that I’ve had this week that I haven’t mentioned much on here, but will be reflected in my weekly goals. PMO’d. Given the past week or so, not too surprising, but I’m still a little disappointed. I need to make a major change in my life to get out of this cycle.

    Throwing away my current pair of Duluth Trading Company jeans. These have lasted (I checked my monthly expense spreadsheets) 2 years, to the month, of very extensive use throughout the colder season. Impressive. Though I got two pairs to replace this pair yesterday, including one “straight leg” gray pair that apparently looks more fitted/stylish. I’ve been meaning to start dressing better.

    I’m on Document126 now, and I’m closing Microsoft Word and rebooting the computer for the first time in a while. I need to do this more often. Leaving open windows/tabs is a trigger for me, which leads to a mixed up brain and more browsing of inappropriate content.

    After midnight tonight, I heard my neighbor—the one who always looks disheveled and slams his door all the time—get yelled at and cursed at by one of my neighbors (not sure who; I don’t know all of them yet). That was a good thing, because he deserved it for slamming the door all the time, and he admitted that he would be leaving this building in January. That also intimidated me a bit, because I sometimes worry about whether I make too much noise (like when I slammed stuff while throwing a fit on Thanksgiving).

    Going to get around 3h20m of sleep tonight
    . Big fail.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Avoid excess internet surfing. Do not take the computer in the kitchen, at all. Don’t use/leave any tabs open on the private browser.
    2) At work, actually take care of the important things that I’ve been neglecting.
    3) Play guitar each evening, when I get a chance, and try to learn songs out of that Iron Maiden book.
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20201130)

    Woke up from less than four hours of sleep. Felt tired, moreso than usual. Even by my standards… Either my scale is broken, or I lost about 2.4 pounds in the past week, while stuffing myself every day. I know that’s something a lot of people would be envious of, but for me, I’m trying to put on weight and it is just exhausting. “Long boring day.” Uneventful day. Very forgetful all day. It was actually cold as I was leaving the office (30 degrees), and I saw some light snow flurries on the drive back.

    Gym session was rough, but I was not as weak as I would have expected after losing that kind of weight (if I actually did). Maybe being more active (being at work and walking around on Saturay especially) causing weight loss doesn’t affect strength as much as simply not eating as much. I got the credit card issue worked out on the phone. They’re going to send me a new card, and I don’t need an immediate purchase to sustain the account. This is really the ideal outcome for that issue.

    I think I might start drinking coffee again. I must not forget that I am a slave to work.

    Getting about 6h50m sleep tonight
    . Fail.

    Weekly goals: 1) well I did surf too much, but I didn’t bring the computer into the kitchen while I ate 2) not yet 3) no
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20201201)

    December. I can’t believe it’s December already.

    “Long boring day.” Very uneventful. I’ve noticed days recently are starting to feel a little faster, because I have been wasting so much of them (sitting in the office, surfing the web, largely) instead of focusing on work. I thought about hard work as a virtue today, and that it sometimes feels strange to live in a culture that worships hard work, and to just not really have that as part of my personality.

    Didn’t do much during the evening. Got an appointment to get the iPhone fixed on Sunday.

    Getting about 6h50m of sleep tonight
    . Fail. On an evening where I didn’t really do anything, that’s shameful. I keep getting distracted last thing at night.

    Weekly goals: 1) did surf a great deal, but didn’t bring the computer into the kitchen 2) started it briefly at the end of the day, not much 3) no
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20201202)

    Woke up with my eyes really, really dry. Especially my left eye, strangely. I’ve mentioned this before, but I think that there’s something in this apartment or this general area that makes my eyes feel dry, and when I stay here long enough (like on weekends) that feeling is often really noticeable. “Long boring day.” My head was mixed up today. I kept thinking of something emotionally significant, then forgetting what it was, and feeling frustrated over that. That spark of feeling in the lower abdomen, which I haven’t experienced in a while, was there today. It was subtle, but persistent. I think this is a good sign.

    After work, I went to the gym, and it was a horrible session. I couldn’t find the proper plates (2.5lbs for OHP) to do my workout as I planned, so I tried doing a max instead. I tried 135lbs/1pl8 and missed (but not by much…give me a few months). That’s it, I definitely am looking for a new gym after this month [year]. I tried 130lbs, too, but my leg carelessly bent a bit, so it doesn’t count. I was frustrated by that, because I think I could have got that one. I did trap bar deadlift instead of regular, because of the lack of equipment. It was easy, but felt unnatural to my back. I hope I don’t feel it tomorrow, because I woke up with my back not feeling great.

    My hygiene habits have noticeably decayed over the past year or two (maybe longer, in some respects). Since I haven’t had a social life, I just haven’t cared. I’m starting to feel like a slob. There have been a number of times over the past few months that I have wondered if anyone ever notices my smell. I used to always be a very clean person.

    Singing voice has gotten worse
    over the last few weeks, perhaps a few months. Just after it was starting to click…it plummeted. It’s a placement issue, I think. Once I started experimenting with the soft palate, which used to be completely ignored, a lot of the technique aspects I used to take for granted crumbled. I understand progress is not all linear, but it’s frustrating.

    Cut back on everything this evening just to get to bed as early as possible. Instead, I’m only getting 6h58m of sleep…Fuck me. Fuck my stupid pathetic little life. I can’t do anything right.

    Weekly goals: 1) cut back on surfing just a bit, avoided computer in kitchen 2) just a little, very busy day 3) no, too tired
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
     
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20201203)

    Woke up feeling reasonably well-rested. “Long boring day.” Busiest day in recent memory. Lower back is still very sore (hope it goes away by tomorrow). Towards the end of the work day, I started feeling a lot of brain fog. Lots of distractions after work, and my head was spinning. I had my singing lesson via Skype again (1-week thing, hopefully), and had to head to the store after that. After I came back, I stayed up pretty late arguing with some guy on Discord over something unimportant. I just wanted to win the argument.

    Getting about 5h55m of sleep tonight
    . Big fail.

    Weekly goals: 1) early in the day yes, surfed a lot this evening/no computer in kitchen, but it isn’t helping as much as I expected 2) yes 3) no
    Mood: 2.5/10
    Libido: 2.75/10
     
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20201204)

    Woke up tired (just under 6 hours of sleep), and stayed tired all day. “Long boring day.” This truly might have been the longest-feeling day at work of this calendar year. All of the busyness of yesterday, but even more, a lot more. It was unrelenting. I just felt continually burned out. I’ve noticed it a lot recently. A weekend isn’t enough. A vacation isn’t enough. I feel uninspired by everything. Thoughts occur to me, and I just don’t care about them like I “usually” would. I need to find away around this burned out feeling, because this is not a way to build a healthy and satisfying life. The idea of acting came up, based on something I heard on a podcast I was listening to. I found the idea of acting in my current state almost impossible, but then realized it wasn’t just acting, but feeling more generally. I have noticed that emotionally stifled feeling I used to feel growing up, either intensified or made more clear to me. Maybe this is a symptom of recovery.

    Getting just over 7 hours of sleep tonight
    . Success (finally). Work tomorrow.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) yes 3) no
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20201205)

    Woke up from about 7 hours of sleep this morning, and felt well-rested. For a Saturday morning in which I had work, I felt unusually good. “Long boring day.” I talked about how tedious everything was yesterday, and today was the same. I couldn’t wait to go. Words fail me.

    Around the time when I was leaving work, I started to feel a “second wind,” an extra energy that would last through most of the evening. This is much different from the drained feeling I have on most Saturdays in which I work. I decided to go to the city (waiting about an hour before leaving), and returning around 21:00. Considering the train time and wait both ways, that actually left me little time in the city, but I didn’t mind. I didn’t want to get back too late. I had a lot of energy and optimism throughout the whole time I was there, and wished I had a date. I had sexual fantasies throughout the day, but they all felt “healthy” and non-fetishistic.

    Appointment at the Apple store to get my phone fixed tomorrow (17:40). Hope it goes well.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 4.75/10
    Libido: 5.5/10
     
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20201206)

    Woke up around 10:30, after just over 6 hours of sleep, kind of cranky (wanted more sleep). Immediately felt tempted to look at P. Had to stop myself after I grabbed my laptop and started clicking around windows. Got up, made a list of foods to get at the grocery store, and left. I had to wrap up in a long-sleeve shirt, hoodie, and wool cap, and still felt a little chilly. My apartment is around 60 degrees most of the time now, and it’s close to freezing outside.

    Getting home, things were a bit rushed (unpacking and eating), because I had the appointment at the Apple store I had to drive to at 17:40. I got there on time, but had to stand outside in the cold for 10-15 minutes due to the limited capacity. When I got let in, I was helped by a friendly but seemingly untrained associate who was not very helpful at all. He couldn’t do anything to preserve my un-synced data. Funny, I’ve seen people online from topics posted a few years ago saying they sometimes could, and seem to remember them saying something like that in previous encounters. I think Apple is just getting worse as a company, rapidly. As I was standing in line, I thought about getting a new (Windows) computer.

    Eventually I got home, and talked with my old man about the vacation. He sounded pissed off about my “cavalier” attitude about avoiding COVID-19. I had told him I had already been exposed to it in the office in July, which he was not very impressed with (he’s a doctor, thought he’d make the connection). He even sounded a bit hostile about it, and was considering just canceling the family plans. I said I’d look into an antibody test, but logically, it would be much more valuable if he took an antibody test, so he could stop worrying about it. I don’t really want to visit them, I just do it at least once a year to not be nagged about it. It never improves my mood to be around my family.

    I relapsed (PMO) today. Again. It’s frustratingly routine at this point. There were some warning signs. Yesterday, I was feeling great, almost blissful at times. Energetic and very optimistic. But once I got back from the train station that evening, I zoned out for way too long. I spent most of that time on the computer, went to bed quite late, and so on. I’m building that into the weekly goals this week.

    Going to bed past 3:15
    . Very bad. Worse than most weeks.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Update new phone, sync it, make sure it is working properly (data, apps, phone calls, etc.).
    2) Be mindful of how I spend my evenings. Do everything to avoid this toxic, zoning-out behavior and to practice more mindful behavior instead. Respect the 21:20 cutoff time.
    3) Unpack/store winter clothes, and store summer clothes back into downstairs storage. Keep apartment clean in general.
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20201207)

    Woke up from threeish hours of sleep so tired that I kept falling asleep on my bed before running out and arriving to work late. “Long boring day.” Work was exceptionally repetitive and mind-numbing today. (Again.) I’m kind of pissed off at my parents in regards to the conversation we had yesterday regarding winter vacation; I didn’t like the way they spoke to me. I have decided to just not go home over vacation. I never wanted to in the first place, but was going to for their sake, but if they are going to be bitchy about it, forget it. I considered coming straight home to nap but decided against it.

    In positive news, I finally listened to “Persecution Mania” by Sodom today. It’s a CD I got from Amazon in October and haven’t listened to until now. It was great. I really enjoyed it. Gritty and old school thrash metal. Exactly what I had hoped it would be.

    I had an idea for something to do over vacation. 48-72 hour electronics fast. I wonder how clear my head would get with that kind of time. I should work my way up in the meantime with 24-hour periods.

    About 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . Fail. Terrible, I really, really needed at least 7…

    Weekly goals: 1) not yet 2) FAIL 3) not yet
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20201208)

    Woke up from around 6.5 hours of sleep, fairly sleepy. “Long boring day.” I felt a little disoriented and unfocused (more than normal) all day long. Not much going on at all. I had a brief “argument” with my old man via text regarding holiday plans. I told him I didn’t want to come home at all this holiday season. We ended up talking on the phone about it, and both parents sounded somewhat disappointed. I’m thinking about flying to Denver or the Pacific Northwest for a few days instead, but I’ll have to look up how much is still accessible with all the lockdowns. Tickets are surprisingly cheap ($150-200 for a round trip). Tonight was relaxing and uneventful, didn’t really do anything.

    Getting ~6h55m sleep tonight
    . Fail. After an evening of doing almost nothing, at that. Abuse of the computer is to blame, as it almost always is.

    Weekly goals: 1) not yet 2) sort of. More relaxed evening than usual 3) Did most of it today. Still have to take my summer clothes downstairs.
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
     
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20201209)

    Woke up fairly tired. “Long boring day.” The day felt longer than average, and more tedious, again. I have a feeling that days like this are going to continue at least through the new year. I have been wasting a lot of time at work zoning out, moreso than usual. I think what has happened over the last few weeks is that, since I have been working 6 days a week consistently, the amount of energy I have to actually focus on it is getting spread thinner. Basically, I am less productive due to the longer hours. Working again this coming Saturday. This is getting so tiring. I’ve noticed my long-term oriented/introspective thoughts have been shallower as well. I think these are all signs of burnout.

    Had a discussion with my coworker about our last paycheck. Apparently we did not get paid 2.5x our normal wages as promised (I noticed this on my pay stub, but wasn’t sure, because of the PTO cashout I elected for). I feel a little ripped off, but have a hard time caring. I’m just burned out.

    Noticed the candida on my tongue has been worse than normal the past few nights (maybe a week). Not sure why, because I’ve been eating similar stuff to what I usually eat.

    Getting a little over 7 hours of sleep tonight
    . Success. Hopefully tomorrow I can work on things like packing up the summer clothes and updating the replacement mobile.

    Weekly goals: 1) not yet 2) sort of 3) no
    Mood: 2.25/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20201210)

    Well rested from last night’s 7+ hour sleep. Frost on the windshield, almost late to work after scraping it (why am I never ready for this in the morning?). “Long boring day.” It was especially long, because I stayed 2.25 hours past my regular time in order to cover for an absent coworker. Legs were quite sore from yesterday’s workout (I winced when getting on/off a chair). Tedious stuff, again, but at a slower pace. Overall, my mood was not in an outrageously bad place. Despite my lack of insight, my head felt like it was in a pretty healthy place. By the time I left (~17:45), it was completely dark outside, which was surprising to see. The days are definitely getting shorter.

    Evening was noticeably short, but despite that, I still wasted a lot of time. I spent a lot the spare time unclogging the sink. I’m not sure if it is normal to get clogged up this often (once every few months). The idea of not taking my computer into the kitchen to avoid wasting time during meals has backfired, because I just leave the kitchen constantly to get that distraction, dragging the meal (and the distraction) out.

    Getting about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    , fuck… Fail. Tonight could have been an easy 7+, shame on me.

    Weekly goals: 1) nothing yet 2) not really, fail 3) no
    Mood: 3.75/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
     
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20201211)

    I had some vaguely-remembered dream last night. It was something about learning. Maybe it took place in a classroom, and maybe I was learning some new skill or subject. That’s all I’ve got.

    “Long boring day.” Thigh are still sore (more than yesterday) from Wednesday. Walking up stairs was painful. Caffeine consumption a little higher than last week, still fairly low (probably 40-55mg). Getting skin breakouts around my hips and butt, which I haven’t seen in a while. I think it’s the jeans I’ve been wearing, which allow less air circulation. My diet has been roughly the same as normal.

    I was thinking a little about why I haven’t had very substantial entries for the past few weeks, and I think I understand now. It’s the burnout. The longer work weeks subtly encourage me to stretch my time wasting habits over the entire week, less so than wasting so much time just on Saturday. My brain feels completely melted, and is going into the higher-order thinking states less. I feel like I live at work (I’ve never quite felt that way before, with the possible exception of when I was doing night shift). I really feel like one of those Japanese workers you read stories about that basically live at work, staying there just to put in the hours when it’s not really necessary. It feels extremely dehumanizing. I miss my brain.

    It’s unseasonably warm outside. It is above freezing during the day, and then dips into the high freezing range at night. Today there were some scattered rain sessions. In normal years, it would be snow at this time of year. Recovered a little of my strength during today’s gym session.

    Getting about 6.5 hours of sleep tonight
    . On a night that I really, really need more. Today, I was looking forward to getting a full night of sleep, but NO! I fucked it up, again, as I always do. I guess tomorrow night is my final chance at getting a good night of sleep this week, and Sunday mornings always suck. Shame on me.

    Weekly goals: 1) no 2) no 3) no
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 0 (20201212)

    Woke up tired and frustrated. I needed more sleep to feel good. As I was leaving my parking alley, I did not look carefully both ways, sped out (to try and avoid being late) and very nearly hit a car coming from the left side. If that car hadn’t swerved, I would have hit it right in the side. This stuck with me for much of the day, how close I was to a major accident. The lack of visibility entering the street is a factor, admittedly. But I am falling apart lately. I really need to be more careful driving, at the very least.

    “Long boring day.” Slow and uneventful, like Saturdays at work tend to be. A coworker commented that I was dressed well, and asked me if I was going out. I was wearing the slim[mer] pair of jeans I bought a few weeks ago, just because my main pair was dirty. I guess I’m so used to dressing like an apathetic slob that people notice when I even look decent. I finished off my lunch snacking during the morning, and spent the whole lunch break napping. I woke up from the nap feeling even worse. It was one of those post-nap depressions I sometimes get: Unlike many forms of depression, where I feel like there is something I want to do or have, or something I want to avoid that I can’t, this depression had no particular subject. It was just a pessimism and disinterest in everything in the world.

    When I got home, I had originally planned on just dropping by before leaving to get some lunch, but I was so tired and apathetic, I started wasting time. I laid in bed with my computer, looking for anything, anything, to distract me. I didn’t end up doing the things I planned to do, like taking the summer clothes downstairs and finalizing my winter plans. I felt miserable, and continued to feel worse as I continued. I PMO’d. Not surprising.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  17. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 1 (20201213)

    Woke up in the late morning, on the verge of a headache, and chugged some bottled tea to make it go away (it did, eventually). Drove out to the grocery store, you know, the routine. Came home, ate some fast food. Not hungry for the rest of the day, but tried to stuff myself anyway. The usual story. This routine is getting so old. I don’t understand how I get this sluggish every Sunday. I know disliking my job and general depression is a part of it, but Sundays are the only period in my life that the degree of dark depression and dysfunction that I had 10-15 years ago is still present.

    I talked to the parents on the phone. They sounded bored and frustrated. I think most people are bored and frustrated. Dad sent me a few recent photos of mom and the dog. Mom looked remarkably aged. She is an old woman now. She is (according to dad) ill and spending 16 hours a day in bed. I also talked to dad about exercise habits. He asked me if I went to the gym, and mentioned that he misses doing exercises, but can’t do many now (back problems/axial loading). Both of them are nearly 70. I’ve never had a conversation in which they revealed their age so much. I think dad has a good number of years left in him, but at the rate she is going, mom will probably not. This is something I’ve understood over the last 2 or 3 years, but our conversation this evening really drilled it home.

    I was planning on doing a load of laundry tonight, but I thought it would clear my head to take a little drive. I took two laps around the “horror film loop” I created of scary-looking roads and buildings. I tried to create stories in my head while I did it. Over the past year and a few months (approximately), I have become obsessed with horror. I don’t think I’ve watched much else in terms of movies (and I’m usually not a huge movie guy overall). I like the fantasy aspect of horror; for some reason, it seems more plausible to me on some level than something like high fantasy or sci-fi. I think it’s a part of my depression. I am obsessed with horror because it is a really that is far removed from my miserably boring daily life and triggers powerful, primal feelings. I often wish that kind of stuff was real. I was extremely pessimistic when my thoughts drifted towards more “practical” stuff.

    Thinking about the PMO I did yesterday, I feel like I am at a crossroads with this recovery. In 2019, I did excellent work (119 day streak). This year, I have been doing a lot of stagnation. It has been frustrating. I want to move on with my life. Next Monday is the Winter Solstice. I like to think of this day as a time I could look back on the year in contemplation. Something I’ve noticed this year is how much electronics, and especially time on the internet, disrupt that contemplative capacity. I want an electronics-free winter solstice. Not only that, but I also want to have two full days with extremely limited electronics usage (just checking for expected emails and communications, and maybe stuff like looking up phone numbers/addresses, but no browsing/curiosity).

    I’m ready for a new beginning
    . I need to figure out how to do that, and to keep an open mind.

    Weekly goals: No internet browsing/unnecessary zoning-out activity in the two days leading up to winter solstice. Try to get into a contemplative mindset. Be openminded, and don’t just mindlessly follow routines.
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20201214)

    Got less than 3 hours of sleep last night, and I felt it all day. I also lost weight again (only 0.2 lbs this week). It is really hard to keep up with how much activity I am getting when I go to work on Saturday. “Long boring day.” Work felt a bit unreal: Extremely monotonous and easy, yet alienating The level of boredom today was sometimes hard to believe. I was sometimes chattery, as I often am during these low dopamine days. Some tendons in my shoulders and hands felt tight and uncomfortable, which is common for a few days after a relapase (I think it’s the position I usually lay in while I do it).

    Listened to “Mind: The Perpetual Intercourse” by Skinny Puppy today at work. Honestly, I’m not sure why I wanted to. It has always been the bleakest, hardest to enjoy SP album for me. It brings back memories of boredom and loneliness as well. Still, I enjoyed parts of it. This is a band I sometimes forget how much I enjoy.

    Dad texted me today. I forgot to mention from our talk yesterday that I enjoy talking to him a lot more now that he has mellowed out as an old man. He seems like a much better listener. Anyway, he texted me a photo of my old Nintendo 64 that he found in the attic. He asked if I still wanted it. I have been thinking of it on and off for a while. I’d love to play it again, just to beat the games I never had a chance to finish (all of them, I think). That would be an excellent Christmas gift.

    I was thinking more about my need for an “internet diet.” After I got home from the gym, I did not surf the internet nearly as much as I usually do, just not having much interest. I did laundry, which took a while, and ate as much as I could. One thought that occurred to me, that deserves more than one day worth of thought, is whether getting a smartphone was a tipping point in my creative life not being fulfilled anymore. I first got a smartphone in December 2011, I believe. At first, I didn’t browse the internet too much, preferring text pages because of data limitations. Unlimited data browsing is a very new thing for me, which only started when I got my new phone number in summer 2018. I think my initial answer to this question is “yes.”

    Getting only 6h35m of sleep tonight
    . Fail. Very frustrating—but as I’ve said before, the laundry will do it.

    Weekly goals: Getting ready for it. Feeling ready.
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20201215)

    Woke up feeling surprisingly rested today. “Long boring day.” Work day was slow and easy. My back felt bad again—not quite in pain, but tense, like it had been worked in the wrong way. These box squats really aren’t working for me; maybe I’ll just try front squats only. I drank less caffeine at work today, and felt noticeably sluggish this evening.

    At home, I played some videogames (Doom Eternal), which was pretty fun, but I still felt a little bad about using my time that way. I also started the frustratingly difficult process of setting up my new phone. First, I charged it a bit, because it had been sitting in the box. Then, I tried to sync it to iTunes. That didn’t work, because the software on the phone needed to be updated. So I manually set it up, including a new Apple ID (the old Apple ID is not accessible without a text message verification). Then I updated the software, which took a very long time. It was already close to bed time when that process was complete. I tried plugging it into my computer, but nothing happened. (Maybe I have to log into the old Apple ID, or something else.) I will try again tomorrow, but this is a frustratingly long and convoluted process. The last few experiences I’ve had with Apple have made me want to abandon the company wholesale. Sure I’ll keep my laptop and phone for the time being, but I might buy a cheap, slightly outdated Windows laptop and start moving my activities to it, one by one.

    Something I was wondering today was about the minor, weekslong or monthslong interests and hobbies I get for myself. I’ll call them “Short Burst Hobbies.” I get attached to something, usually something that has some kind of aesthetic appeal to me, and get obsessed with researching it, and knowing everything I can about it. I’ve had this for all my life that I can remember, but those periods have gotten shorter and shorter. I wonder if either having Short Burst Hobbies, or indulging them in particular, dampens my creativity. I wonder if indulging these interests is a use of creative energies that could otherwise go towards long-term, meaningful projects.

    Getting about 6h40m sleep tonight
    . Fail. This shouldn’t happen on a Tuesday night.

    Weekly goals: Used my phone less, and enjoyed it. Feeling fresher in the head.
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 4/10
     
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20201216)

    Woke up tired. “Long boring day.” Tired and thirsty for most of the day. When the days are exceptionally easy, does that make them easier or harder to bear? I’ve ask myself this question often in the past few months and I don’t really know. I could go on about how today is worse than normal, but…I get tired of typing these kind of things over and over. Mindnumbing boredom, depression. It latched onto my social failure, how I haven’t had a friend circle in a while, and how much of my life I’ve wasted (common topics, especially the last one). It cleared up a bit around lunch time.

    Boss got everyone in the department a European Cookie Collection in a metal tin as a holiday gift. I guess that’s cool. After work, I went to the gym. Remarkably weak, again. (I think that’s due to the weight I lost.)

    Getting ~6h50m sleep tonight
    . Fail. Again. AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN

    Weekly goals: Tapered mobile usage down a bit, we’ll see how the weekend goes.
    Mood: 1.5/10
    Libido: 2.5/10
     

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