Escape from purgatory: The sprint!

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ereignis, Jul 4, 2020.

  1. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    This isn’t day 1 because I relapsed. It’s day 1 because I want it to be. I want a new streak not based on my bad habits, but based on a positive new vision and set of habits, and I felt different enough today to warrant marking a new era.

    I feel like I have so much energy today. I feel like I’ve been liberated from a lot of false ideas—both negative ones and positive ones. Among the negative ones, I realized that, given my age and lack of relationship experience, I have more than sexual dysfunction to worry about. Getting back to living a normal life with healthy relationships will not be a matter of “snapping out of it” once and having everything fall into place. I am aware that everything that needs to be fixed will take a lot of work. Overall, I just feel more clarity than I have in any time I can clearly remember. Making efforts in the last few weeks to diminish two personal addictions, caffeine and internet surfing (while at work) has contributed to that greatly.

    My previous thread was called “Escape from purgatory.” There, I started with a little summary of how 2019 was going. So I guess I will include that information here. 2020 has not been as distressing to me as 2019 was, but it has been a negative experience overall. I have had a number of frustrating relapses, which are particularly hard, coming off of what was by far the best streak in my life last year (119 days). The year has been uneventful. I have had the energy and desire to get out and start mixing up the schedule more, but the year’s chaotic events (coronavirus lockdowns, riots) have stifled those attempts. In a broader sense, I have just felt a frustrating stagnation.

    Day 1 (20200618)

    Woke up really depressed today. It was more or less the regular stuff, but with a lot more clarity: Thinking about the vast expanse of failed and meaningless years, not succeeding at anything that is meaningful to me in my recent memory, and so on. I’ve discussed this kind of stuff before. But as I said, I felt cleansed of a lot of bad energy and bad ideas, and ready to move forward with my life. My emotions were vastly sharper and more relevant than usual. It was truly and extraordinary feeling, and I don’t remember feeling quite like this before. “Long boring day.” I had very close to zero caffeine today (just a few sips of Ito-En bottled tea), and, for the most part, benefitted from it. At around 9:11, I felt like I got a natural high—a rush of energy, motivation and positivity that I usually only experience with caffeine. That’s a great feeling, and I wonder if I could experience that more frequently if I continue living in a way that isn’t constant dopamine abuse.

    At about 10:47, I was sitting in the bathroom stall, and decided to pull out my phone, not to look at the internet, but to look at the headlines on the NEWSSTAND app. Even then, within a minute or two, I noticed my sense of being present and calm energy start to dissipate, so I put it away. It is pivotal to understand how this dynamic works. Surf = brain fog.

    I scheduled an ENT doctor appointment for Tuesday. It will be my first doctor appointment living in this state. I want to talk to him about that deviated septum surgery I was discussing about 5 years (!) ago.

    I forgot to post about this yesterday, but I set up an OKCupid profile. I made that profile for the purpose of making friends (no, really). I remember that it was a really easy interface to use a few years ago, but it seems almost dead now that they have the “match” system. Other people online have made similar comments. If I don’t see enough communication after a week or two, I’ll go ahead and delete my profile.

    I have 6 weeks and 3 days left of my 20’s. I will turn 30 after that. I don’t really know if there’s anything worth doing in that time to “celebrate my youth.” I don’t have any friends in my area. Life is pretty boring without friends. It’s hard to make anything memorable.

    Yesterday, I made a post about my lack of energy in the evenings, and how I should make plans with this in mind. Well, I should add something, because it’s a little more complicated that that. While I have a drop in energy in the evenings, I often have a rush of energy at night. I am a night owl, and nothing could ever truly change that. A lot of—perhaps most—of my greatest creative efforts have come at night. That is a final nail in the coffin of me being productive on a 9-5 schedule. It explains two things I’ve been wondering about: Why I have trouble getting to sleep on time, and why I have had trouble with creative output in my recent past. While it’s an obstacle at the moment, this is a perfect revelation for me, because it makes what I need in life even clearer.

    This evening was busy: Another load of laundry, plus a music lesson. Despite that, I did get distracted and wanted to surf the web a lot at the very end of the day. Overall, today was an extremely productive day in terms of organizing my life, even if there was that sag in the evening.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) no (maybe tomorrow)
    Mood: 4.5/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 2 (20200619)

    Woke up pretty tired. I did not get 7+ hours of sleep last night, due to the self improvement-related creative rush I expressed in yesterday’s entry. “Long boring day.” Headaches were minimal, but disorientation was still present. I lacked focus (which is probably partially informed by the caffeine withdrawal, but this is something that happens frequently regardless). Overall, I was not quite as contemplative or focused as yesterday, but I suppose this should not be surprising: Can’t have very important thoughts or breakthroughs occur every day. Towards the end of the day, I started experiencing major disorientation and demotivation, probably the worst of the whole week. Right after I got home, I spent about an hour on my bed, doing nothing before moving on with the next part of my schedule.

    Ended up going to bed a little later than normal for a Friday night (1:40ish) despite doing nothing significant for the last few hours.

    Internet surfing habits at home still need to be sorted out
    . At work, I failed at my weekly goal to not do any internet surfing on the mobile. I didn’t do anything for extended periods, and didn’t find anything that really captured my interest, but I did surf a bit, a handful of times (on my personal phone).

    Have a ton of things I have to do tomorrow, will have to make choices
    . Tomorrow is the summer solstice, so I’ll be getting a new haircut.

    Weekly goals: 1) fail 2) no
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  3. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 3 (20200620)

    Summer Solstice


    Woke up in the late morning, roughly 8 hours of sleep. Felt pretty good. I ended up walking a few doors down to get a haircut at a place I’ve never visited before; there are many places to get my hair cut in walking distance, but this will be the last time at this one (loud TV’s and $30 for a buzz cut). I decided on a buzz cut. Part of me wanted to get a longer cut, which would look better, but I’m just tired of having a lot of hair, and removing (nearly) all of my hair is fitting for a new start at something. I ended up wasting a lot of time after that, but eventually headed out to run a few errands, including going to the used video store to pick out three DVD’s of John Carpenter films (Vampires, In the Mouth of Madness, The Fog) that I haven’t seen before, part of my goal of seeing all of his films.

    I made a trip to a grocery store that I’ve never been to before on my way home. As I was leaving, I removed the sunglasses that I’d been wearing for most of the day. All the sudden, the strip mall and surrounding suburban land started to look…beautiful. It was like I was seeing them in a level of detail I had never noticed before. I noticed how many shiny and clean surfaces there were, and how it compared favorably to some of the uglier suburban corners. If a strip mall can be beautiful, what couldn’t? This is certainly not something I would feel in normal circumstances. My mind was in a different place.

    When I got home, it was raining heavily. The rain might have been the heaviest I’ve ever seen in this state, although it didn’t last long. I did some thinking about the solstice, and my goals, but not as much as I would have liked to. I rented and watched Gone Girl, which is something I’ve been meaning to see for a while, because I heard it was a pretty interesting pscyh profile kind of movie. Not really, but it was a great film. Something that jumped out at me was seeing an scene of an adult man playing video games in the film. I couldn’t help but feel that that was kind of pathetic, like an adult should have better things to do with his time. Right now, I feel that, once I finish the games I’ve already acquired, I might only really be interested in playing classics from my childhood. This whole gaming stint that I’ve been in for the past 9-ish months has been a great blast from the past, a truly refreshing way to let loose, but an increasing part of me feels like it’s just nostalgia, and too time-consuming for someone like me, who has a lot of intellectual and physical and personal goals that are not being acted upon. Sort of tired of watching movies during the weekend, too. I need to make some friends.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 5.5/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  4. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 4 (20200621)

    Late morning Sunday wake up groceries fast food unpack, grr…hate it. The power of this routine is stronger on Sundays than on any other day.

    During the day, while casually stretching on my bed, I managed to do a few dragon flags. The first one was an accident, then I did it a few more times to make sure it wasn’t a fluke. I could do even one of these a few years ago, and this wasn’t even hard! I sometimes get reminded of how much stronger I’ve become in the most unexpected times.

    The evening devolved into…what it always devolves into. Procrastination, forgetting what I mean to do, all of that. I don’t think I need to repeat the details here. What I will say is that I am doing new things during most of the week, and I need to figure out a way to carry that over to Sundays, lest this part of my schedule drag me into ruin.

    Weekly goals:
    1) Continue avoiding mobile phone use while at work.
    2) Use internet permissions list again, and shut down laptop at night.
    3) Update YBR, creating a new thread for recent developments.
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  5. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 5 (20200622)

    Woke up very sleepy. Monday. “Long boring day.” Today felt especially slow. Was falling asleep after lunch. Tendons in wrists are beat up phone and computer usage—again.

    Listened to three old Cradle of Filth albums, two of which I haven’t listened to in a long time. CoF used to be a band which I would listen to obsessively for a month or so, once a year. I haven’t done that in a while, but I do think they’re worth it. They’re a band that has a real storytelling approach to their music, rather than just running through popular music formulas. I miss being enthusiastic about this kind of music. Today, I had a few very brief flashes of deep nostalgia. I think I’m going to start using that term, deep nostalgia, to mean memories that could be felt, rather than just recalled.

    After work, I went straight to bed, as I’ve done for the previous 2 or 3 weeks on Monday. I had a disoriented experience when I woke up at 19:30, saw the clock, and thought it was 7:30 the next morning, and I was late to work. (This used to happen often when I’d try to nap as a teenager.) Evening wasn’t bad, but I spent too long (3+ hours) on dinner. It wasn’t even that I took a long time eating, I just finished eating, and then stalled. I do this after dinner all the time. Why? Why? Why?

    OKCupid still sucks. Not having any luck making friends. Things have changed so much since the older days of online dating sites. Plan to delete my profile if I don’t see many changes. But something more specific occurred to me: I am one of the very few users who only have one photo. I don’t have more than one photo of myself to post (well I have a few from a single event, the wedding in December, but they look nearly the same). If I had more friends and went to social events, I would have more photos, I suppose.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) yes 3) not yet
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  6. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 6 (20200623)

    Woke up well rested. “NOT A long NOT PARTICULARLY boring day.” That’s because I left work at 11:30 to go to an appointment, and only came back at 14:00, so I was at work for a total of 6 hours. This break in the middle of the day made the day feel dramatically shorter. I brought my personal phone to work, which I normally do not do on Tuesdays, just in case I got a call from the doctor. As a result, after getting the urge to surf the web just a bit at the very beginning of the day. This completely threw my head into a spin. The effect was greater than even I would imagine, and I can’t emphasize this enough: Just a touch of surfing the web can transform my mindset for the worse, for hours if not a full day. I can’t even fully understand how much I have to change/gain by overcoming this habit. Once I put my phone away in the desk drawer, I was hyper-conscious of it, almost obsessing over it being there. My internet surfing addiction is a true addiction, not just a habit.

    The ENT doctor was helpful today. He put this weird medicated gauze up my nostrils, which made my tongue numb but showed that turbinates, not the septum, are primarily responsible for my nasal blockage. He prescribed me something to try before we talk again about a procedure, if we do. I’m glad he didn’t spend the whole time asking open-ended questions (“And how does that make you feel?” “How much does it affect you?”), and instead focused on useful information. More doctors should be like that. It was an unusually productive and informative visit.

    During dinner, I noticed that the tendons in my right elbow/wrist were really bothering me. It’s just accumulated from the previous days, I guess, despite not spending a huge amount of time using my hands. I will have to spend the rest of the week being deliberately careful so it doesn’t get worse.

    Weekly goals: 1) not at first 2) I think so 3) not yet
    Mood: 4.25/10
    Libido: 1.75/10
     
  7. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 7 (20200624)

    Woke up feeling very tired, and felt slightly better after two big glasses of water. I’ve been waking up very dehydrated over the past few days, not sure exactly why. I guess I haven’t been drinking as much at night, and just haven’t noticed the difference. “Long boring day.” Boy, was it long, and boy, was it boring. Longest-feeling day in a long time. I was yawning a lot, all day long.

    Listened to a few more Cradle of Filth albums that I used to be really into. I enjoyed them again, but not quite as much as I used to when I would go on those one-month CoF binges. I think the real reason is just that I have listened to them so much, I’ve burned every note of them into my memory, and the thrill of the new experience is completely gone. I’ve done this with most of my favorite music. It’s sad, because it becomes harder and harder to find music that does the same for me, the more I listen to. Cradle of Filth was the first extreme metal band I ever heard, and they’re the band that changed music from a curiosity to a life-changing love affair. I’ve been avoiding relistening to The Principle of Evil Made Flesh, though, just to preserve the nostalgia, since that one has such good atmosphere and is associated with such a particular time in my life, I don’t want to dilute the effect. Save that one for a rainy night.

    For the wrist/elbow irritation I’ve been mentioning, it occurred to me today that overwork on the computer/mobile is probably not responsible, but rather, something I’ve done on the ab wheel exercise where I bend my right wrist briefly during the concentric phase. I think that’s it. I did that just an hour or two before the pain started yesterday, and I think it was similar last week.

    I spent some time looking at paintings today. I want to get a few prints to decorate with. I like Caspar David Friedrich and Carl Gustav Carus. I never realized the latter was a student of the former! I like a few that are of forests, especially with the moonlight behind trees. I definitely want something like that, because it seems to stimulate creativity. There are a few icy seaside paintings that are good as well.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes, for the most part. 2) no, got distracted 3) not yet
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  8. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 8 (20200625)

    Getting back in bed after turning in my first alarm, I bonked my head against the wall pretty hard, in a compressive way to my neck. I had a headache/neckache through much of the morning. This sounds pretty banal, but it is very out of character for me. Perhaps that dehydration is involved. Before I arrived at the worksite, I was already dreading the incessant chatter I could expect from my coworker. “Long boring day.” Quite a long day today.

    A concept that floated around my head for much of the day was that I was living, somehow, an “inversion life”
    : When I try to leave early for work, I arrive a little late (but not too much), and when I expect to leave late, I arrive early (but barely). Same with bedtime. Whatever weekly goals I have which are not very limited and finite don’t get done, often on every single day I intend to do them. The more I say I’m going to take charge of my time during the weekends, the more it stays the same. It’s all so tiresome. It is like living in a simulation, like living in purgatory. Today, I said I’d finally get a chance to get to bed early and have a very well rested Friday; instead, I’ll go to bed even later than normal: It’s 23:16 and I’m still working on my daily journal entry. I haven’t even meditated yet. (And don’t imagine for a single second I can use this to my advantage with reverse psychology; that never works.)

    Had a meeting with the boss and a few others today. He’s reasonably happy with my work, but has proposed a few ideas for…I will be doing more work. My workday will be less relaxed than it has been recently.

    I have an adjustable sitting/standing desk setup in the office. At the beginning of the year, I was still accustomed to standing/walking around all day. I’ve noticed over the last few months, I have slowly been standing less and less. I think it’s just habit, path of least resistance kind of stuff. I should really make it a habit to stand more, though, just for my health.

    I didn’t spend any time surfing the web on my mobile phone today, but I did spend a lot of time looking at paintings on the desktop. I do plan on getting a few prints to decorate the apartment with, so it is not superfluous surfing, but I think it was a dopamine drip. It definitely decreased the discomfort of not surfing the web on the mobile, so I will avoid this activity tomorrow.

    I really wish I had more time to read
    . I want to feed my brain more information. I think it would help me get out of my rut (recent or current), to read more. It would probably stimulate creativity as well. I need to figure out a way to have more reading time throughout the day.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes, with the above caveat 2) yes 3) yes
    Mood: 3.25/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  9. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 9 (20200626)

    Woke up pretty well-rested. “Long boring day,” which felt much longer than usual. I had a lot of stuff to work on today, but had trouble motivating myself for most of the day. For the first two hours of the day, I did next to nothing, just drifting off. It felt like the hours were just ticking by, and I was helpless to do anything about it. After a bit of mobile browsing, my head was spinning, so I did a 3-minute meditation session, extended to 11 minutes, which felt fantastic, very grounding. I should do this more often. It’s a healthy habit in general.

    At 11:16, I had a pretty detailed (but brief) flashback to P-material I once watched. Haven’t had a lot of that recently. I’ve felt very hungry for most of the day, like a dopamine-draining kind of hunger. This will disrupt my ability to continue my schedule in the evening.

    I had a feeling of dread today, thinking about Sunday evening, and the process of wasting time and going to bed late before starting another week. I usually start to feel this on midday or afternoon Saturday. This might have been the first time I’ve experienced it around noon on a Friday during a normal schedule.

    I saw a headline online about the 11th anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death coming up. I can’t believe it has been that long. I remember summer 2009 very clearly. It was one of the only two happy and memorable periods of my life. I was at a friend’s house, who played drums in the band I played one show with on August 1st. I almost can’t understand how that was 11 years ago. I guess that was the beginning of the slow end of my social life.

    After an abbreviated exercise session this afternoon, I tried doing a few gymnastic planche progression exercises to see if I could. Surprisingly hard, couldn’t do a full planche tuck on parallettes. Maybe it was because I was already sore. I might try and work up to a few gymnastic exercises, they might be more fulfilling than the repetitive exercises I’ve been doing.

    The blinds are broken in the kitchen, so it will be very bright in the living room tomorrow morning, so I will sleep in my normal bed tonight. I don’t like doing it because I’ve ingrained a habit of waking up early there, but I am going to bed a little earlier than normal, so perhaps that will help me sleep in.

    Weekly goals: 1) FAIL 2) fail 3) not yet
    Mood: [not entered the date of post -me]
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  10. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 10 (20200627)

    Woke up in my normal bed (where I sleep on weekdays) after less than 7 hours of sleep. This was expected, but still very frustrating. I laid in bed, alternately trying to get back to sleep and surfing the web on my phone. I think starting the day in that way disrupted me for much of the day. I felt abnormally listless. Yesterday’s fear about arriving at the end of the weekend disappointed seemed to be arriving a lot faster than I had expected.

    My landlord dropped by unexpectedly to look at the blinds that had come down in the kitchen. He made a measurement, and told me he’d text me when he was ready to come back. I expected him to come back today, but he didn’t, so I will be sleeping in the weekday bed again tonight.

    Today was not a total bust: I took some time to register a Wordpress site for my personal blogging. It will not be dedicated to daily entries, like this thread, but rather my thoughts on society, politics, philosophy, art, whatever I really want to talk about. It will be random thoughts and tangents that occur to me, not things that are directly related to my personal life and daily activities. I feel accomplished because this is something I have been putting off for a long time: For years, I thought of having a blog with long, detailed entries to share my thoughts, but gave up on that due to my lack of discipline. For years, I wondered how I could share my thoughts on these topics without involved without blogging. Then I decided, I will just blog without involved, disciplined posts or output rates! Seems like the perfect compromise.

    Today’s evening/night was pretty boring before I watched John Carpenter’s In the Mouth of Madness. I grabbed it from the used video store a week or two ago as part of my watch-all-Carpenter-films project. It was a fun film, and I would say it’s worthy of 80’s Carpenter, despite coming out in 1995. Lovecraft-inspired-Carpenter, what’s not to like? I expect to watch it again.

    Part of my problem each weekend is that I just can’t get out, other than mundane things. I am getting very tired of this lockdown.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 1.5/10
     
  11. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 11 (20200628)

    Pretty normal Sunday, despite the bed I woke up on. Woke up with a headache, started the routine.

    One thing good that did happen was that the landlord dropped by and fixed the blinds in the kitchen, replacing both of them instead of keeping the one that was still working. They’re better quality blinds, blocking out more light when they’re dropped, so that’s good. Also, he gave me permission to put some nails in the wall for paintings, so no problem there.

    In the evening, I had that same Sunday malaise. I just could not force myself to be more active and do something. I don’t understand it.

    I guess the dread that had been building up since Friday was as bad as ever. In fact, I think it was worse. A few hours ago, I was telling myself that “at least” I would be getting to bed a little earlier than usual for a Sunday night. Instead, I’m going to bed 30+ minutes later than ever…

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  12. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Eyes wretch open
    Monday again
    Already late, with a headache no coffee could cure
    Eyes dry, neck stiff
    Defeated by a thousand burdens I didn’t even know I was facing.
    Heart shrinks, stomach moans
    Fingertips do their morbid dance across the keyboard.
    Facing a thousand problems I didn’t even know I had
    Defeated by them.
    Monday again.
    If I was actually in hell, at least I’d have…
    I don’t really know.
    Defeated by a thousand burdens I didn’t even know I was facing.
    Monday again.

    Day 12 (20200629)

    Woke up after just under 2 hours of sleep, worst ever Sunday/Monday. Tired all day, falling asleep for brief periods in the late morning and early afternoon. Arrived late to work. “Long boring day.” Had a weekly Monday meeting again, and preparing for that was most of the work I did all day.

    Listened to an old podcast, as well as Pure Holocaust by Immortal. PH is a classic album that I spent a lot of time looking for (before internet commerce was where it is now), but I never really gave it much time when I acquired it. According to iTunes, I haven’t listened to most of this album since 2011. I don’t understand why, the album rips. Easily one of the most iconic black metal releases of all time. I suspect I’ll have a lot more listens by the end of the week. Great riffs, solid drumming, fantastic atmosphere, great all around. Reminds me of why I’ve always loved black metal.

    I wrote a poem, which I included above. I thought of a few lines while walking around, but forgot them before I got back to my desk, so it was originally supposed to be a bit longer. Nonetheless, I think it sounds sincere and relevant, moreso than most of the stuff I’ve written.

    After I got home, I went straight to bed. I woke up around 23:30, and am going to bed again at 3:00. I shaved dinner down from 4 hours to 3.5…baby steps.

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 3/10
    Libido: 1.25/10
     
  13. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    There were two things I meant to mention yesterday but forgot. I figure I should put them here.

    First, something that had occurred to me yesterday, but had been occurring to me more and more lately, is that I might be coming to terms with a life of solitude. I have always liked to think that, one day, I’d find people to have a rich and peopled life of social connections. But with every year, it becomes less probable, more difficult to do. I still want a wife, a circle of friends, and so on. But the truth is that it is getting harder and harder, and I have failed to make any significant progress on that front. I just have to be honest.

    Taking the trash out last night, I noticed the smell of grass after recent rain. It brought back a lot of nostalgia from various points of my life. I need to get outside more. I sometimes forget that I could enjoy the outdoors, that I ever have enjoyed the outdoors.

    Day 13 (20200630)

    Woke up well-rested today. “Long boring day.” Did a bit of browsing on my mobile today, before stopping myself. Did a brief meditation session, which felt good.

    I think I need to watch the language I use in my head when I talk to myself. Vulgarity has a way of showing itself when you let your guard down. I tend to be an unusually honest person, and can have less of a filter than I want. Not a good combination.

    I really monitored how much time I was spending through dinner/the evening. It’s too much, I waste too much of that time. I think I’m gradually getting better, staying more aware of what I’m doing.

    My bedroom is disgustingly hot. It feels much hotter than the 81 that my apartment was measured at in the kitchen.. I am just stewing here, sitting on my bed typing this.

    It seems that I always forget one little thing in the night routine, and it all falls apart. Today, I was on track to go to bed early, but I forgot to do this update, as well as putting some things away. Ergo, there goes my early bedtime. It is so frustrating. Nothing changes, despite my best efforts.

    Weekly goals: N/A (no weekly goals this week)
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
  14. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 14 (20200701)

    Woke up pretty tired. ~6 hours of sleep last night, or a little more. I’m not sure if the heat of my room is causing sleep disturbances, but I kept my fan on last night. (My apartment has inched up a degree or two in temperature over the past day as well.) “Long boring day.” Today was a really pessimistic day for me. I felt really down on myself, especially at the beginning of the day. My life failures were crystal clear to me, and I had no illusions about them. Every meaningful goal I had felt more distant than ever before, and I had no doubt that pulling myself out of this position will take a lot of work. I’m almost 30 years old, and have created virtually nothing of value in my life. I am lame and inexperienced, an man who will likely reach old age with no stories worth telling. These are all familiar feelings, but they were particularly clear today, which I can be grateful for.

    I am grateful for these sad feelings
    .

    They make me focused like nothing else can. And they feel so much better than the neverending numbness that I often feel. Today, I wished I had more chances to be vulnerable. If only anyone cared.

    I’ve realized something serious, which I would be reluctant to admit to in person, but this is the internet, so whatever. I have constant, brief fantasies about intimacy, contact, etc., overwhelmingly with fictional figures I make up in my head. This sort of “blends in” to the landscape of my mind, since I am always imagining something, but it is a common feature. I like to imagine what it would be like to have a wife often. Foreplay, romance, having understanding conversations, and feeling appreciated are common themes. I notice that, when these fantasies are not present, for reasons I do not fully understand, the negative state of my life is clearer. I have more desperation to get better. But that sinks back down, and I’m back in my elaborate fantasy world. I lose focus.

    I don’t know what to do about that. But I need to think about it more, because I am sure it matters.

    Towards the end of the day, I experienced major brain fog, and enough trouble being focused to be irritating, but I could manage to force myself to be productive for an hour or two. I am still getting mild headaches from caffeine withdrawal, even though my intake is very, very low at this point (under 20mg, surely). I think my head is starting to clear up, though. I am feeling more focused and positive than before, and that’s probably part of it.

    4 weeks and 4 days before I turn thirty. I am so sad.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 4/10
    Libido: 2/10
     
  15. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 15 (20200702)

    Woke up reasonably well-rested, albeit after less sleep than I had wanted. “Long boring day.” I ended up spending more time surfing the web (mostly Twitter) on my work mobile than I had in a while. I was worried about losing that focused, goals-oriented mentality I had experienced for the past 15 days, since it is so closely linked to avoiding my addictions. I felt pretty pessimistic too, possibly because of the depressing news stories I was reading. Still getting mild headaches from caffeine withdrawal.

    Tried a new habit to disrupt my recent lazy habits: 15 minutes sitting at the desk, then an hour standing, repeat. Standing for long periods has become irritating, but I think I will get used to it fairly quickly.

    Have tomorrow off because of the Saturday holiday. I had meant to go to bed early to not disrupt the schedule to much but…you know how these things go.

    Weekly goals: N/A
    Mood: 2/10
    Libido: 3.25/10
     
  16. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 16 (20200703)

    Friday, work holiday due to July 4th. Woke up in my weekday bed with around 7.5 hours (had set my alarm for 9). Munched on some food for a bit, then did a few exercises with the Iron Maiden Live After Death DVD playing. I felt pretty low energy for those exercises, possibly due to not having eaten as much as I would of by this time of day during a normal workday. Plus, I tried adding lateral lunges to my routine for the first time. They were a lot harder than expected, and made me quite sore.

    After a few hours of wasting time, I went out to Target to get a new inflatable mattress. The customer service people said I would have to call the company to check on the warranty, and I didn’t want to bother, so I just threw it away and bought a new one. (A little wasteful, I know.) I am hoping that if I let some air out after each use, it will last longer than the 3 months or so that the previous one did.

    Didn’t really do anything important this evening. Talked to some buddies on Discord, stayed up pretty late, and finally posted this new YBR thread. All day long, I had this mild anxiety and lack of focus that made it difficult to do anything productive.

    Weekly goals: TBA
    Mood: 2.75/10
    Libido: 2.25/10
     
  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I really like the spirit of your first post on here. It's inspiring.
     
  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Thanks.

    I sometimes get worried when I feel really inspired. I worry about losing that inspiration and falling back down into all of the old habits/dysfunctions. It has happened before. As a result, I feel like there's some performative aspect of inspiration, and that if you don't do it well enough, the inspiration disappears. I don't know if I'm disciplined enough to do it. I want my days to be as full of insight as possible.
     
  19. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 18 (20200705)

    Woke up past noon (later than usual for a Sunday), started the usual routine. Felt worse than usual, perhaps just because of the lack of sleep.

    Tonight was another one of those Sunday nights where I was hyperconscious of the time I was wasting, and my desire to go to bed early, but I just could bring myself to do it. Again, I just don’t really have an answer for this.

    I came across a video on Youtube about growing up in the area I grew up in. It didn’t hit on any particularly deep points, but it did touch on a few things I hadn’t thought of in a wihle. I got a little depressed for the night after experiencing a kind of negative nostalgia.

    I MO’d last night
    . Traditionally, this has been a sign of a PMO binge to come, but, since I have been feeling different since the beginning of this streak, I remain hopeful. I will have to make a particular effort to sustain healthy habits online.

    So today was basically a predictable, shitty Sunday. I think I will be better off going forward this week, due to the ambitious weekly goal I’m starting (really longer than a weekly goal, though).

    Weekly goals:
    1) I’M NOT GOING TO USE ANY UNNECESSARY/BROWSING/SURFING RELATED WEBSITE FROM NOW UNTIL I HAVE FINISHED WRITING AND RECORDING A FEW SONGS. I am ashamed of myself for how long I have put off this goal. I have let so many distractions into my life for so long, I have lost any tangible progress I have made on establishing a life where I spend most of my free time doing things that are meaningful to me. See internet self permissions addendum 1.0.
    2) Post on YBR each night (I admit that I have struggled with this for multiple weeks).
    Mood: 1.75/10
    Libido: 3/10
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  20. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    Day 19 (20200706)

    Roughly two hours of sleep. Even by my standards…Sunday night/Monday morning…and all that. After a few cups of water to hydrate, I wasn’t feeling quite as trashed as I had expected I would. “Long boring day.” Weekly meeting was cancelled, so I did minimal work today, and was drifting in and out of sleep during the late morning and afternoon. I was worried about getting caught. I should have stood at my desk to avoid falling asleep, but my sleepy brain convinced me not to. I listened to a new podcast throughout much of the day, which probably kept me a little more alert than I would be otherwise. I had numerous flashbacks to PMO-related imagery at work today. They weren’t particularly intense, but it has been a while since I’ve experienced that. It could either be a part of recovery, like I experienced last year, or a result of MO’ing yesterday.

    Coming home, after a brief delay, I went straight to bed to start my nap. I had the big fan aimed at me, but my bedroom was still uncomfortably hot, so I had trouble sleeping, despite being very tired. I think this is something I’m going to be dealing with for the remainder of the summer. I did cut my dinner down from 3.5 hours to 2.25, which is a big improvement. Having less internet distractions surely helped. I think I can do even better.

    Weekly goals: 1) yes 2) yes
    Mood: 3.5/10
    Libido: 3.5/10
     

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