Enough is enough - I'm not going back

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by gladiator, Apr 24, 2012.

  1. gladiator

    gladiator New Member

    I started my journey to giving up porn addiction exactly one month ago after having found YBOP. Within this month i have relapsed many times. The longest i lasted without PMO was 7 days. I can honestly say that i definitely saw a positive difference in those 7 days, but unfortunately i relapsed many times thereafter.

    But Enough is enough!, and i am not going back to this sick life of porn addiction. The depression is killing me, and my social anxiety has hit the roof and i am 100% certain this is due to my PMO, of which i have been a victim for the past 15 years.

    I am an IT professional who works from home, so the temptation is pretty much in my face. I have filters on my computer, such as OpenDNS, and have taken steps to prevent myself from disabling the filters. However i have not been able to throw away the passwords, out of the worry that i might need them incase there is a problem with computer, or if i need to access a website for my work which has been blocked. So the best i am able to do is keep my passwords locked away in my car, but that is still not a safe distance and does not prevent me from relapsing.

    Anyhow, with my new found knowledge from YBOP, i am adamant to stop this wicked and destructive habit, and get my life back. I am 29 years old, and i dont want to waste any more time of my life, locked away at home, as a depressed, moody, socially anxious recluse.

    I am married since 2 years, and my wife has no knowledge of my addiction, but my distance from her when it comes to sex has caused many rifts in our relationship, as i am not able to relate to her emotionally due how messed up my brain has become because of PMO.

    Today, on the start of my journal is my first real step to giving up this ruinous and injurious habit once and for all. I have been reading the journals of others on here and must say they are very inspiring and motivating. I hope over the course of my recovery my journal helps me, but also helps others on their path to recovery. Together we can defeat this menace and reclaim our lives from the clutches of this monster.
     
  2. Hopefully

    Hopefully Guest

    Hi Gladiator,

    welcome on the forum, I wish you the best for your journey!!!

    If you stay strong and really believe in the change, then you can make it. It's for your best and the best for the onces you love!

    Good luck!
     
  3. gladiator

    gladiator New Member

    Thank you Hopefully for your support.

    Day 6

    I have reached Day 6 without PMO, which feels like a great achievement within itself. However i have been experiencing some really strange feelings. Now i am not sure what these feelings are, i.e. whether it is just apathy from my side, or whether it has something to do with the withdrawal.

    Basically the feelings i have had the last couple of days are that i have felt indifference to my progress and effort. Since yesterday my mind has been telling me that its all not worth it, i.e. the effort and the struggle of abstaining. My mind is telling me to just give up the abstention program and go back to PMO, a place where i felt secure, comforted and happy (that was ofcourse until after the PMO, when i felt deflated, guilty and depressed).

    But i am remembering the enjoyment of pre-O, i.e. looking and deriving pleasure P. I know that all this has messed me up for the last 15 years and is the cause of my social anxiety and depression, but i just miss it so much. So far in the past couple of days these thoughts have taken me to the doorstep of PMO twice, where yesterday i viewed P pics for about 2 minutes before saying no, and today for about 5 mins i was browsing pics before i said no.

    I just dont know how to get rid of these feelings and i feel that they are going to lead me to relapse. Please guys any support will be much appreciated. Im off to continue reading the benefits PDF from YBOP to try and get myself re-motivated.

    Thank you guys and keep up this effort. Together we can do this.

    Gladiator
     
  4. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    It's my impression from experience and what I've read on the forum that this is common. Hang in there and keep posting in your journal.
     
  5. gladiator

    gladiator New Member

    RELAPSED

    I have caved in and relapsed after just 6 days. The temptation was just too great. I definitely felt an improvement to my overall mood in the last 6 days, but today i just couldn't hold out any longer and gave in.

    However, i will not let this affect me. I have slipped and fallen, and have hurt myself a little in the process, but i will get back up and continue this marathon, because i MUST reach that finish line (even if it kills me). I need to do this for myself, my wife and those who i love, who deserve much more from me.

    So back to Day 1, and the journey continues...
     
  6. gojoego

    gojoego New Member

    Well done on the 6 days! What positives have you taken from them?
     
  7. tig

    tig Guest

    Hey Gladiator

    Take a picture of yourself that is going to inspire/shock/scare you into not wanting to PMO. Can you imagine something that would make you want to stop what you're doing? Have a good long think about it. To give you an idea, for me the picture would be me crying my eyes out with my dick in my hand.

    Go into paint and use text to write your password dfsdgfjdsfhs on top of that picture of yourself. Save that file somewhere. That way when you go looking for your password to unblock your web filters you'll have to see that picture.
     
  8. gladiator

    gladiator New Member

    gojoego:

    The positives i saw in the 6 days of no PMO were that i could feel myself becoming more confident. For instance yesterday i went out shopping with my wife and we sat in a cafe to have some coffee with each other. I know it might sound strange, but this was almost unthinkable in my PMO ing days. Usually i would have been in a rush to get back home, and always would refuse my wifes request to have a coffee outside, all because of my social anxiety and lack of confidence.

    Another positive i felt, was actually felt during my relapse. The pleasure of O was incredible compared to my previous experiences of O. I think this is definitely due to my brain returning to normality, albeit slowly. Im sure i am still a little way off from the full pleasure to be felt from O, once my full reboot is complete, which strangely gives me encouragement to stay away from PMO for longer, so i can start enjoying sex with my wife, like it should be.

    tig

    Thanks for the advice, i will try it out.

    Although this time i didn't get my passwords to open the filters, but rather relapsed by viewing videos on youtube on my mobile. I have an android phone which has youtube pre-installed as an app. It is not possible to delete it and i dont know how to block it. I wonder if anyone could help me regarding that?

    Thanks guys for your support
     
  9. gojoego

    gojoego New Member

    Thats great to hear, and thats only off 6 days! Imagine what you'll be like after 6weeks! lol
     

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