End Game

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TrueDat, Nov 23, 2014.

  1. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Man I just read your posts since march and I’m in tears.

    I’m extra emotional cause of my own shit rn

    So tough to be where we are fighting are hearts out these mental battles to have a human function to fulfill a base need.

    frustrating af.

    hope I’m not coming off negative I’m just at a low rn just MOd 3x in 24 hours with lube and Erections were complete shit, everything was shit. I won’t be having sex with my gf anytime soon either with this and I’m losing faith in the process.

    All I know for sure is porn is the root cause of our issue and we can never look at it again.

    I wish you luck in fighting this battle. But look at me 9 months no porn minimal Os and requiring with a loving partner and I could sexually be more dysfunctional than you are right now.

    so keep your head up. Focus on what’s in front of you and don’t waste anymore time with relapses and focus on your recovery journey
    TrueDat likes this.
  2. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Resisted the temptation to MO again this morning. That chaser effect is so destructive. Like I'm aware I'm not horny but my brain just craved that temporary high.

    On another note. This morning I had news that my boss is leaving the company. He recruited me and truth be told I have not exceeded expectations, only passed them.

    Since I was recently recruited and the company is downsizing I don't have much job security so I have to see this as a wake up call to do more than just "what's needed" if I am to keep my job. Also I'm in a bad position to apply for a new job given my depressive state.

    Some short term goals for this week.
    *Get up in good time, a bit earlier than my official work hours.
    *Study 3 hours in total outside of work to gain some more knowledge in my field.
    *Work out 6 times (did 5 times last w.), this also helps a bit with my depression.
    *Meditate 2 times

    Let's do this, onwards and upwards.
    Last edited: May 3, 2021
  3. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thanks R3balance,
    That means a lot.
    Let's do our best and focus on what we can change. Hope the best for us all, will follow your journey!
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Sorry man. Sounds tough. I hadn’t realized your social anxiety was that bad, to the point where it makes it hard for you to live a normal life. Really sorry man, rooting for you.

    Here’s what comes to my mind after reading your post. As you said, anybody who would have the problems you do would feel bad too, so don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s true that life isn’t fair, but it’s something we have to accept. At the same time, there are plenty of people out there who are probably more miserable than you and me, and who have hard challenges to face too. The way I see it, when we have a problem like ED or inflamed lips, we have to try our best to find a way to get rid of it. Try different things, go see specialists, give it your best shot. And IF it turns out your problem is permanent, the you have to learn to live with it and accept it.

    If your inflamed lips bother you that much, which is totally understandable, go and try to fix the problem. If a low carbs diet is beneficial to you on this, then think about what’s more important for you, the gym or the health of your lips. Go see other specialists too, try different things. And if unfortunately there’s no solution to your problem, then learn to live with it. Therapists really often deal with people who have a chronic disease, or a handicap. From my experience, most of the time when you meet with a therapist, it will be someone who won’t really be able to help you. But there are some good therapists out there, even if they are hard to find. And if you find one of them, you’ll learn to see things differently.

    I encourage you to keep looking for a solution, and always try to improve yourself. Sometimes I also feel that life ain’t fear, and I’m bitter about it in those moments. That’s understandable, I mean, ED, depression, social anxiety, inflamed lips, all these things aren’t fun. But I believe the key is to keep going forward. There’s hope that things can be better. We may be able to fix our problems, or to learn to live with them in a more mature way. In all cases, I believe we should try our best to stay as far as possible from despair and discouragement.

    Good luck, man. Take care.
  5. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thanks Bilbo, I appreciate you taking the time to write that and I fully agree with your logic.
    I have not yet given up and have met with dermatologists, doctors and dentists/dental hygienist the recent years and I think I know the root cause now (periodontitis/inflammation of lips), this is the only diagnosis I have received. However, dentists/doctors say they have not seen it affecting the lips like it has in my case. Either way, I am still looking for solutions and will try to cope better with this. As you say, there are other people living with more serious conditions than I am.

    I am doing what I can it is just that some days I feel out of hope and the flatline is also contributing some.
    Not all bad though in my journey, a minor sign of healing is that my emotions are (once again) coming back more and I actually laughed many times watching the "The Office" today. This usually happens after a month or two away from P for me so it is a step in the right direction.
    Last edited: May 3, 2021
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  6. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    MO'd three times today. Will have to try a new nofap streak, I am progressing with no P though.

    I MO'd five times more the day after. Have to control this better.
    New short term goal: No MO rest of May.
    Last edited: May 7, 2021
  7. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Positives this week:
    *Worked out 6 times
    *Was productive at work
    *Studied for about an hour but could have done more. Did a lot of brain training with some chess though
    *Met up with the guys once so was not isolated all week
    *Meditated once. Try 2 times next week.
    *No porn

    *MO binge, could not control it once I had a small relapse. MO'd 6 times today.. Really have to shut this down, it's always like this for me, there is no moderation.
    *Experienced insomnia, did not sleep more than 4-5 hours per night I feel..
    Last edited: May 10, 2021
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  8. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Procrastinated a lot today before the gym. Ended up MO'3 three times during the afternoon/evening. Went to the gym still but very late.

    Tomorrow I will spend the day with friends so hopefully I can abstain better.
    Will try to find a rubber band so I can put in on my wrist and use it if I get an urge to M. Have to stop it early.
    Crazy how it is so difficult to break that 3 day streak free once you are in a binge.

    I don't feel that bad though and the EQ is a bit better than historically.
    Last edited: May 12, 2021
  9. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Good luck man! You can do do this!
    TrueDat likes this.
  10. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Was a fun day with friends, a lot of alcohol though so I got a headache, had insomnia (slept only 3 hours before work), MO'd twice, texted Russian girl..

    Today is gonna be a battle, I will use the rubber band on wrist technique.
    Luckily I don't drink often nowadays. Just gotta stay strong today and tomorrow will be better.
    Deleted User likes this.
  11. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Positives this week:
    + Could finally sleep well during the weekend
    + Had fun day in the park with friends
    + An old friend called me out of the blue, it was nice to talk
    + I contacted two friends to check whether they wanted to meet up, might happen next week
    + Contacted the dentist again to make sure they get back to me (I am doing my part at least, they have to keep their promises too).

    - Hungover=no work out ("only" 4 days work out this week).
    - Was alone the whole weekend
    - Depression tough to handle at times

    I also checked that I have ruined my progress a lot with M. I have since May 3rd MO'd 22 times (talk about a binge mentality). My life can suck a lot but I am the only one to blame for that so I have to start taking some action and steer my life in the direction I want it. I know I have felt miserable for so long and life should be fun. I have to try and work on a more positive mindset and stop isolating myself.

    Goals for next week:
    -> 6 days work out
    -> Get up early for work
    -> Meditate once
    -> Study 2 hours
    -> Don't spend the weekend alone, talk to the few friends I have to see whether we can do something fun.
    TheYoungOne and Deleted User like this.
  12. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    @TrueDat seems like you’re progressing well! I hope you focus on the positive changes much more than the negatives.
    TrueDat likes this.
  13. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Another week has passed. I have been doing alright for the most part. Following up on my goals:

    -> 6 days work out : FAIL, 5 days work out (1 day hungover and didn't go to the gym).
    -> Get up early for work : PASS
    -> Meditate once : PASS
    -> Study 2 hours : PASS
    -> Don't spend the weekend alone, talk to the few friends I have to see whether we can do something fun: PASS

    I initiated contact with two friends and we had a really fun time on Friday, drinking some beer in the city and then off for a home-party which we set up. Not too much alcohol but some blow, my friend did the hottest girl in the room. A bit jealous ofc but he is a bit better looking and his self confidence and show of intent is second to none. There are things I can learn from him in that regard. I did not have success but I was social at the party and happy so it was still good.

    Have had some trouble not M'ing but have managed to abstain, just have to keep going. I am not horny but I was alone for Saturday & Sunday and the hungover didn't help. Still no libido though and things are pretty boring in flatline. I checked Tinder and wrote to a few girls but I don't get much replies or they delete me from the start so I lost motivation for that quickly. I guess it is best if I just stay away for some time, there is maybe one woman I can meet this week though. It's been soon two months since I last had sex and that is quite a long time for me considering I have had steady fwbs for the past years (not anymore though, now noone). It is not libido that is driving me to meet a girl again, just pure boredom. Don't know if that is good or bad but as long as I stay away from P I will be fine in the end.

    It is good that I am taking action and trying to make the best of my situation, I cannot ask for more. Hope everyone had a good week!
    Last edited: May 23, 2021
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  14. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    80 days no P, 19 days no M/O.
    No sign of libido or morning wood. I would not be able to be with a woman, flatlining bad. However I had that M binge for a while which did not help the recovery and since I am a severe case I am expecting a long reboot. Have to focus on longer periods of no M or O.
    There are some positive signs, some days I am a bit more optimistic and my social anxiety and depression is not as bad anymore.

    Last weekend was actually really good, spent a day with friends and we had so much fun, drank a lot of alcohol the entire day and night though.
    Alcohol is hindering my progress in the gym a bit, I am not able to hit my goal since I am always too hungover. Setting a goal of 6 gym days this week, have not met that goal for a long time now.

    Many of my friends are dating several girls right now while I am feeling so distant and not motivated to date at all. It is a weird feeling hearing about people with normal sex drives, I have not had that for many, many years.
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2021
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  15. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    The weekend was really good, spent it with friends two days at the beach and partied as well. I have been good at initiating contact with my friends now for a few weeks and has managed to meet up with them. One things has dawned on me though, I can't really fill all days of the weekend with activities since I have too few friends. Would like to make new ones after Covid is over, so I am not overly dependent on someone being positive to hanging out.

    Also met up with an old fwb today, an older woman I have met twice I think, one year apart. I guess I was bored and wanted to try sex again, took 25 mg Kamagra and it worked out. Had 1 O and that post-nut-clarity made me realise I am not really attracted to her, I just met her since she let's me do what I want in bed. So I feel it was not really worth it but at least she is a nice woman so all good.

    Maybe it is time to try and set up a date with a good looking girl around my age soon, it's been over half a year since I last was on a date and have not had the drive to date again. This would fill up some evening and since I feel so lethargic/bored I could enjoy some company. I am not very successful on Tinder anymore but maybe if I put in some effort I can score a date.

    Also my calls to the dentist has finally paid off (I never gave up), the dentist apologized for not getting back to me and I will now be reffered to a specialist for my problems. If someone knows the cause and how to treat my problems it should be them so maybe some hope was ignited in me again, we will see how it works out.
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2021
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  16. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    93 days no P. 30 days no M. 6 days no O.

    Over the 90-day hurdle. I am not feeling as depressed anymore and I am taking more contact with friends, significant progress for me. This means I am no longer alone entire weekends so I have already had some really fun nights this summer.

    There are still no relevant progress on the physical side of things, still no morning wood, no libido, dead D and no true drive to meet girls. This is getting quite frustrating, I see so many beautiful girls outside now during summer and I appreciate their beauty objectively but that's about it. Will I go the whole summer without sex? I don't think I would like that approach, I probably will try to have sex a few times. I would have to rely on Kamagra, the only thing is that every O might prolong the flatline so I have to balance the pros/cons of this approach. The feeling I have right now is that it's too depressing to go strict hardmode this time of year.

    Babygirl reached out again (after soon 3 months no contact) so let's see if I will meet her sometime or not.
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  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Congratulations, man. That’s a pretty good streak. Glad to hear you’re feeling better.

    There are so many beautiful girls out there at this time of the year. As you said, it’s not easy to go hard mode in these conditions lol… I have a girlfriend, I’m not trying to meet other women but I still feel that hotness in the air. Back in April when I decided to go hard mode, I thought, I’ll become sexless for 3 months and pretend that women don’t exist. Turns out it’s much harder than I thought in springtime and summer. Lots of pretty women out there :rolleyes:
    TrueDat likes this.
  18. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Could feel some libido and sexual frustration coming back for a couple of days and then I had two wet dreams in the same night. The two days after I MO'd 8 times in total, ending my 2 month no M-streak. I could not handle the chaser effect as usual.
    Luckily I am abstaining from P and will set a goal to abstain from M for longer now (over 2 months).

    Since my last post life has been alright. I have spent time with my friends, having a lot of fun just enjoying summer. Also had intercourse with a new woman (25 mg Kamagra) and met up with babygirl too.

    Still no morning wood but I can feel if I go no O for about 2 weeks or more I have a drive to talk to girls. Also, when I am hungover I feel that horniness that I never have otherwise, so I have to be careful not drinking too much.
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  19. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Well, that’s 4 months without porn, it’s good! Glad to hear you’ve been doing fine, it’s cool. When you binge, it really gets serious, though. 8 times in 2 days :eek:

    Keep it up man! Congratulations on 124 days no porn!
  20. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thanks Bilbo! Yes I am more committed than ever to leave P behind.
    Hehe I know, it's pathetic, I did not even have a boner the last 3 times. Just this compulsory feeling to hit that O-high once more...
    Will do my best to avoid it again.

    Hope you are doing good too, from what I can read from your posts you are doing fine and your streak is very impressive.
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