End Game

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TrueDat, Nov 23, 2014.

  1. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Sad to say that I have to reset my counter (60 days no P -> 0 days). Watched P yesterday, edging for about 3 hours. Edging is the worst... Also PMO'd 6 times more the day after.
    The only positive thing about yesterday was that I hung out with the guys and met baby girl who stayed over. I had weak Kamagra sex and all my mojo was gone that I had built up. My EQ was very weak so it was forced with help of pills.

    Still tried to have fun but I had to force my smiles etc, it was just a very bad day for me. I had been depressed the whole day. It has to do with my health problems where I have lost all hope of getting better. Hopelessness is a dangerous, you need hope in your life to thrive. In this state I turned to P, even though many times I tried to close it down, I just did not have any fight in me.

    The background for my depression is problems I have had the past 6 years with chronic gum disease + inflamed lips. The dentists have said I am at risk of tooth loss, my gums are receding and nothing I do is making things better and I just look sick as well. I have a very strict cleansing regime as ordered by my dental hygienist which I follow religiously and have spent loads of money during the years on checkups, different toothbrushes, interdental brushes, dental floss + water flosser, mouthwashes, healthy supplements. I also grind my teeth so I have a night guard. The damage is done already though and I can't chew properly anymore, my bite does not fit together and even my speech has changed since my upper and lower jaw does not fit together like it should.

    Nothing is working and I have a hard time accepting that this is how I will look for the rest of my life. If things not get better not even surgery or dental implants could be performed due to receded gums. 6 years of trying new methods, documenting what I do, reading research for different methods/supplements to improve oral healthand things just get worse, there is no cure for periodontal disease, you can just maintain it and if that is not working=you lose your teeth. Spending hours everyday just thinking about it and not trying to look into the mirror too much, it really puts you down. Not helping that I am a thinker by nature.

    I have my next checkup in two weeks but I am calling the dentist first thing Monday morning since I have a tooth that is getting lose. No one in my family have had problems like this so I am just the black sheep, which is weird since I have always taken care of my oral health.

    I know P just makes things worse and I will do my best not to watch it again. I have installed a P-blocker on mobile/laptop. I if can get rid of P I will have one win to celebrate this year at least. Just have a hard time being an optimist these days.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2021
  2. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    PM'd 6 times in the morning. Have to try get up from bed in the morning and not surf the web.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2021
  3. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear this, man. Hope you get back on track soon.
     
  4. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Keep grinding.
     
  5. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thanks guys.
    Had 2 days no P and started to feel a bit better again but fell back into it yesterday evening after a tough work week with a few PMO's. I have to work on my willpower again. Babygirl texted and asked if she could sleep with me and I "said yea sure would be nice but I am also tired just so you know". She said let's take it another time instead. I know she wants to be done right and ofc I am feeling there is no way I can perform sexually right now and she is quite demanding...

    The only positive is that I am going hard in the gym.
     
  6. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Have managed streaks of 2-3 days without P but then I seem to fall back in moments of weakness.
    Will start with cold showers again (stopped doing them when I was sick a few weeks back), hoping they will build my discipline.

    Have also installed a better P blocker, have never really been a believer in those but it is worth trying and could potentially help to get out of this rut now when my willpower is low. Will also try to plan out my days a bit more, so I don't end up bored in bed since it is in those moments by devilish brain tries to trick me into peeking on some adult content.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2021
    Krebs likes this.
  7. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Yesterday was a bad day, MO 5 times. No P since Saturday though and each day without it is a tiny bit better.
     
  8. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    I'm on rock bottom, it has been a struggle just to get up for work this week. Longing for the weekend so I can get some rest from everything. Have done without P for a few days which is good.
     
  9. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    A week no P now, feels good to distance myself from that. No urges to report.
    Was a fun party last night, was good to socialize a bit since I have isolated myself so much. I am not too hungover today, only tired (somehow I only managed to sleep for like 4 hours). No plans for the day except just chill out and watch some Netflix, maybe go for a short walk.
     
  10. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Russian girl texted and wanted to come over. We have not talked in half a year but I guess it could be good for me to socialize a bit. She came over a bit tipsy after some drinks with colleagues. After a while she announced the reason why she had not texted me in a long while, she did not like the karezza (sex, no O) we had done before (I basically had to stop sex before the point of no return). She wanted to meet me again because she liked my size (talk about being objectified here).

    I know I am not good fwb material since my libido is low and I have major problems getting aroused. I used a pill and we could have ok sex after some attempts. 1 O, it was all forced, I slept little and have the Kamagra side effects to deal with today.

    Good to socialize a bit but now I remember why I stopped meeting her, she can be quite annoying.
    She won't be helping my recovery and I think I need no O periods to come out of flatline sometime.
     
  11. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    I met with the guys and had a fun night this weekend. Also hung out with baby girl a bit, took a kamagra pill so we could have karezza, it was alright!

    Trying to see the positive side in everything.
     
  12. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    An old fwb is up for meeting tomorrow but truth be told, at this stage it would probably not benefit my reboot since I don't have that horniness. It is not worth it to use Kamagra and experience those side effects Monday morning. Always feel like a zombie the day after and I have important meetings at work so have to be sharp. I will cancel with her.
    I have a real chance to go no O and will try to pursue hardmode for as long as I feel it's worth it. When that wet dream is getting closer it would be ideal to try to have sex instead. The wet dream sets me back a few days I feel so I would rather time a meet-up with a fwb to get that rewiring in.

    Other than that I am making some progress at the gym and my next short term goal is to work out 6 days next week.
     
  13. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Had a wet dream. Unexpected, have not had libido or anything. Continuing in my flatline state and trying to focus on other things.
     
  14. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Dentist appointment today, my health is not going on the right direction despite all my efforts. No cavities but have bone loss and the other issues with future possible tooth loss. Feeling down.
     
  15. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Have had no urges whatsoever the past month but just wanted to write down that I saw a very good movie "Straight Outta Compton" about rappers Dr Dre etc. There were some nudity and my mind started racing. Just have to remind myself that it is not worth it and stay away so I can heal in the long run.
    Staying vigilant even though I am in a low point of my life.
     
  16. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Had another wet dream, it was unexpected again because I have not had that glimpse of libido which can be a sign something's up.
    Not much more to report but I'm happy that I worked out 6 days last week and aiming for 6 days again.
     
  17. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Have had a few days of extreme fatigue this week. Also a bit of muscle soreness and pain in my shoulder so had to rest from the gym an extra day, still 5 days though..
    No sign of libido or morning wood, my body is in the state of rest/recovery and this will probably go on for a long time. I have not watched P for 42 days and no O for around a month now which is great. Kind of lost my fwbs but it had to happen sometime, you can't keep that going forever.
    Have an opportunity to go hardmode for longer now, which is probably what I need!

    Still battling some mild depression, I know I have to make changes since I have so few friends etc. but my energy is just not there and my self-confidence has been very low this year. Did hang out with some friends last night though which was fun (my only friends I guess)..
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2021
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  18. A good streak is going on! Keep pushing, even one relapse is detrimental for us. Don't throw it away. We will win in the end.
     
    TrueDat likes this.
  19. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Been alone this weekend, me, myself and my thoughts. Not ideal I guess but this is how I spend my weekends now mostly. Feel the need to write a long post just reflecting how awful I feel (this is for me so please don't read if you want to keep your optimistic outlook on life haha!)

    I have been in a rut for many years now and cannot seem to pick myself up. I know I have inner potential to have friends, be passionate about my job, be social and live life to the fullest. It's just that I have developed a social anxiety the past years which also means I practically never contact my few friends, even though I meet with them sometimes on their initiative. Of course it is my fault and I will lose friends if I don't contact them. Also I will soon go back to work and meet with clients etc, just dreading how I will cope with my social anxiety then.

    The reason for my social anxiety is that I have this condition, almost like exfoliative cheilitis (dry, peeling, inflamed lips), also watery/sick eyes, and gum disease which may now lead to tooth loss. I don't like to look myself in the mirror and I can see people reacting to my lips or eyes looking weird.

    I was in the city yesterday, looking to buy some training clothes and I saw myself in the big mirror in the store, I looked so sick, inflamed lips, red/watery eyes and pale skin, almost like I was dying. It is creepy..

    I think the only solution for this is to get specialist help to get my oral health under control and my dentist (while ackowledging all problems, my bleeding gums, my loose tooth + bone loss in my jaw, inlamed lips etc), said she would call me so we can try a new treatment plan or refer me to a specialist since my current plan was not working. It's been two weeks and she has not called so last week I called them but have still not heard from them. My next appointment is in September and I just cannot stand looking like this yet another summer, 6 years of this is enough. I am about to go crazy.

    At the same time it is not good to have a victim mindset and keep my life "on pause" just waiting for me to get better since then I will be miserable (maybe forever?). Still I know this condition was "cured" 6 years ago for a short time so I know there is hope somewhere/somehow (I basically starved myself on no carbs for a few months and the pathogenic bacteria in my mouth could not survive, I lost a lot of weight and muscles even though I ate many healthy fats). My god my face looked so much healthier, my lips cleared up, my gums went from dark red to healthy pink, my eyes looked white and focused again). However I was out of energy and the no carb diet did not work with my hobby for working out hard in the gym. After eating carbs again the problems came back, and I have not been able to go on a LCHF diet again to solve this.

    Life is not fair and never will be, it is just that some people get more tough luck than others. I am almost certain if this happened to someone else that this person would be quite miserable and depressed as well. Just see for example similar conditions that affect one's appearance like severe acne (have had that too) or other people suffering of exfoliative cheilitis, they for sure don't feel too good about themselves and often avoid social interactions.

    In general I like to find solutions to problems but for my condition I have not found it, so I need help, maybe antibiotics that kill the pathogenic bacteria in my mouth, but dentists are very cautious about prescribing that nowadays.

    I am doing things to better myself in other areas like working out (5 days a week, soon in my best shape ever), going no PMO, taking cold showers, reading, playing brain training games.

    Have thought about how to cure this depression and if you look online counselling can work but I just don't see that being worth it for me since my depression is rooted in a physical disease and counselling will not solve that. If I am lucky in about a year I will have had an experienced dental specialist look into my problems/running some tests and maybe we are on or way to solve my condition. Doctors have not been able to help out.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2021
    Krebs and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  20. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    I MO'd once (first O in 5 weeks). It was all a way to escape and it was unneccessary, have not been horny. This will probably prolong my flatline. The only positive was that I have no P urges and used no fantasy.

    Been a bad day, time to go for a walk (have been inside all day).

    Later I MO'd two times more..
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2021

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