End Game

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TrueDat, Nov 23, 2014.

  1. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Writing a paper for school today, and I feel that whenever I have trouble writing something good, my hand automatically moves down to my groin. An old habit, I used porn before as a release when I felt uncomfortable about something or for ignoring a problem. I have to quit this old behaviour, no touching at all down there. On the positive side, it is now 85 days since I last masturbated!

    My mood today is not too good. I really have to vent my feelings here or I would go crazy. Really hate the feeling of having a girl AND not being able to have an erection. It takes away some of the excitement and "positive tension" in a relationship. My girl is very sexual so this has now led me to not wanting to sleep over at her place so often. I am not in the mood of pleasing her 5 times a week because the flatline is killing my motivation for things. And I hate the look in her eyes when my dick is as limp as a noodle, it is emasculating. She has the look like she feels sorry for me, "like I am a little child that has fallen down on the pavement". I have told her about my problems with ED and she has accepted this, but it does not really show in her expressions.
  2. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Have had a nice weekend at my girlfriends house, met her family and relatives. My mood is a bit better. Had sex twice (with viagra) this weekend. She had prepared a bath in her jacuzzi, romantic candles and stuff so I didn't want to disappoint again, that's why I used viagra. Then one more time yesterday, also without O, more karezza-style. Will try to avoid O for a while , it drains my energy and puts me into deep flatline. Still can't have sex without viagra, only about 50 % erect.
  3. It's good that you decided not to masturbate anymore. I understand the feeling of being flat-lined even after streaks of abstinence. The rest of the battle happens with your brain. If any half-naked girls appear on your screen, whether on your phone or computer, look away and imagine different thoughts. Don't sexually fantasize at any moment. Those types of thoughts were are meaningless if you think about it. It's great that you are interacting with somebody by they way, but try not to force it.
  4. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement, Yankin My Chain. :)

    Last night I went to her place, used viagra again, felt a little horny. O'ed 2 times (1 night, 1 morning). It felt real good.
    Will sleep alone at home tonight, don't want to overdo this with O now and go straight into another long flatline. Have been feeling a bit more energetic and happy the past three days, hope that the good feelings will stay.

    Oh, and 92 days without M now. Yey! Never done that before! :)
  5. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    Sounds great, congratulations! According to the counter, you've come a long long way. I think, you have all the right to feel proud of yourself. And you had successful sex, man that's f*cking awesome.
  6. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thank Rorymac! :)

    Still feel good. O'ed 2 times (1 night, 1 morning) again. Suffering a bit from PE, but that was expected. I maybe should take it a bit easy, but it's difficult when I am sleeping with my GF and she is super horny. I just don't want to become addicted to Viagra, which I am using when having sex. Maybe should quit viagra now, but then it will take a long while before I am able to have succesful sex again, I think.
  7. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    Do you have a very sharp knife or a razor blade? You could cut the pill to lower the dose each and every time you are having sex. This way you could ensure to get hard and rewire while preparing to get away from ed pills step by step.
  8. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Smart! I will try that.

    Have O'ed two times per night this week. Not feeling horny anymore and had some trouble staying erect last night so I will have to chill a bit now I guess. Will see how it works out tonight though.
  9. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Back into flatline. I could actually sense it coming a few days ago. No horniness and very weak morning wood. Have not achieved erection two nights in a row, with viagra. GF is understanding, she thinks that it has to do with a mental blockage. Just gonna keep rewiring, it has been working out alright so far.
  10. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Still flatlining. No erections this week. Have to wait it out again.
  11. FredSchumacher

    FredSchumacher Doubt is the greatest enemy!

    Im also on the road to recovery, you can do it, best of luck

    once you stop for like 4, 5 days you will start to feel better

    after 2 weeks you will feel on top of the world ;D

    My target is about 2 months, I want to be feeling amazing around Christmas time so I can truly enjoy the great things in life :)
  12. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thanks! Good luck to you too, FredSchumacher!

    Last night I was able to have sex again. Used Viagra and it worked. Sex was really good for once, over half an hour. Still does not feel horny, and I had some flatline symtoms again this morning so I won't force it tonight I think.
  13. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    I am in deep shit now.

    Had a long fight with my girlfriend (or maybe ex-gf now) tonight. She felt as if I do not love her. She wants someone who loves her otherwise she can not go on with the relationship, which I fully understand. Truth is that I have difficulties feeling love, I have never been truly in love, which I told her. I have several times complemented her about her personality, charisma and looks. I really like spending time with her and I don't want to loose her. This is not what she wants, she wants sincere love.

    I want to personally feel back on track regarding sexual confidence, which I do not have (no erection last night again). I believe, that if I feel whole again, and can start loving myself for once, then I can fall in love with another person. I said this, but she does not really have the patience to wait for that.

    So... I fear that this relationship is falling apart now. This was the second big fight in one week. From an egoistic point of view, I am very sad if I loose her, especially since my rewiring will stop, I have actually made some progress (semi-erect from only kissing etc.).

    I try to show her that I like her, but she feels that my actions are not aligned with my expressions. It is true that I am emotionally numbed... I need to heal myself first! And I can't fake love, she would sense that something isn't right, which she already has.
  14. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Met my GF last night, it was a real good evening. She made me dinner and we had sex twice. It was fantastic! We have had a talk and I think we can get trough this. I want her and she wants me. The past week was filled with a few arguments and she cried twice. I felt kind of insensitive.
    Still hoping to have sex without viagra soon.
    JnanaYogiKarmaYogi likes this.
  15. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    I'm happy for you. And I wanted to add something to your second last post. You feel like you don't love her but even through the words you write on this forum I can feel that she means something to you. Love is really hard to define and describe. You maybe have too high expectations of what love really is. And it's impossible to have the excitement of the first week of loving each other for the rest of your life. I don't think you are staying with her for the sake of having someone to have sex with or to rewire or because you are too lazy to end it. Thus, I would highly recommend to try to work it out. Of course, I don't know all the details of your relationship and what causes problems and all but I'm a 100% sure you would regret parting ways with her. And even if it's only for the sake of rewiring, keep her. There are many people on this board who would probably kill to be in your situation and having an understanding gf who you slowly can rewire with. So, don't get crazy about all this, stay level-headed and I see great progress for you and maybe a great relationship as the result!
  16. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thank you RoryMac for the advice :)

    Yea I like her and yesterday was another good evening. We invited my brother and his GF for dinner. It was really nice and we had a good time.

    O'ed again last night and it was good. However, it is still not possible to go again, since my refractory period is almost a day. And this morning I had a semi, but not more, I still need Viagra to get an erection for sex.
  17. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    I took her out for dinner at a nice restaurant last night and we had a good time. I have now told her about my PIED and she promised not to tell anyone about my previous porn-addiction. It felt good to talk about this with her and it also helps explaining my weeks without libido (flatline-weeks). She was very understanding, so now I have truly started trusting her. After all, she really appreciated me being honest about these things. She said that I am so happy and wonderful some weeks (when sex is working) and other weeks (when in flatline) I am a completely different person, more sad and easily irritated.

    Last night was very good anyway, O'ed 3 times (!) with sex, she even came a few times (yey, no PE on my part!)
    I feel that my flatlining weeks are not as frequent as before and they tend to shorten in lenght.

    In a good mood today! The only thing I have to think about is to cut down on Viagra. I have decreased the dosage a little... small steps...
  18. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    I'm so glad for you. Soon enough you can leave all that behind. The finish line is in sight. Take care and continue! 8)
  19. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thanks man! :)

    Used a tiny bit of Viagra last night and it did not work so well, lost the erection a few times, but could have sex (felt kind of exhausted after the intense night before).

    Today I felt a bit horny all of a sudden so I MO'ed to sensation alone. Then once more (chaser effect I guess). Aw well, I won't do it again. Will save my energy for my GF. Managed 121 days no MO, which is great progress for me.
  20. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    The past days have not been so good. Viagra didn't work yesterday either (full dosage). Lost erection before sex and nothing could get it up again. Aw well.. Another week of flatlining then... Seriously might have to abstain completely from O and ED drugs to fix this once and for all (?)

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