End Game

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by TrueDat, Nov 23, 2014.

  1. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Hello everyone! :)

    I have followed this forum for about half year already but never signed up. After this night I forced myself to register so I can motivate myself to abstain from MO in a better way (I relapsed with MO because i couldn't sleep).

    Background info:
    I have been struggling with PIED all my life. Started watching porn at age 12, around 2 times a day. Escalation until last year sometime, when i watched really weird porn just so I could get a boner. Edging was normal for me during the past years and PMO'ing maybe 4 times a day was standard. I'm a severe case. I have never had "successful" sex, my best try was 2 months ago when i could get a 70% hard-on so I could have sex with this girl for like a minute or so before I lost the erection.

    Have always been an outgoing and social person, but have been single like forever because of this addiction which drained me of my energy. My single friends who like to party a lot and hook up with girls always wanted me to join them, but when I hooked up with girls I wouldn't get an erection. The "constant failing" with girls, which I didn't mention to my friends, led me to isolate myself more and more from partying.

    I feel ashamed of my addiction and really want to be healthy. I have a spreadsheet tracking my progress since last year and things are better now, although I dont feel libido yet and I need a long PMO-free period. Have been in a flatline for like 90 days and I need to get out of it.

    On the positive side: After a year of trying to stop this addiction I am finally on 120 days since I last watched porn but I have masturbated maybe twice every month the past 4 months (my personal record without masturbation is 60 days which was pretty recently).

    I will update this journal from time to time but I mainly write for motivational purposes. Feel free to ask questions if you have any! :)

    EatMySleazyPancakes33 likes this.
  2. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Oh so I relapsed with MO 3 times this morning. I went partying with a few friends last night and we all got very drunk. I didn't feel any horniness as usual when I'm drunk. Made out with a milf at the club but didn't take her home or anything because of PIED. So this morning I woke up and had a terrible headache, it was really bad. I felt a little horny cuz of all the testosterone trying to normalise its levels after all the alcohol. Then I MO'd and the headache disappeared for about 5 minutes. After that I MO'd 2 times more. SHIT.

    I often relapse when I'm hungover so from now on I'm gonna stay away from alcohol!!!
  3. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Short update: Been feeling very low and easily irritated the past couple of days. I'm pretty sure this is connected to the relapse because I recognize a pattern, I have always been in a bad state after a relapse before. My solution: The gym! It's my paradise right now, it feels great to get some pump!

    Have a feeling of disgust for what problems this has caused me. I want to have true libido! So determined to fix this now! My life is just passing by and I don't really "feel alive", freaking flatline still! :eek:
  4. Mobc1990

    Mobc1990 Beat my old habit and start new habit

    you have got a nice story,but can you tell me during the past 4 months where you only masturbated twice every month,how is your mood??and also how is your anxiety level,is there difference between PMO and with no PMO??
  5. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    My mood has been good in general. Of course I'm getting frustrated with the time it takes. But that's my own fault for now going hard-mode instantly.

    No PMO has given me a new energy, I dont't have any anxiety, feel more in control now. I'm not afraid to speak up now, something that I didn't always have the courage to do.

    So there's a lot of positive sides to not use porn!

    I have noticed that my mood is more extreme/volatile now than before, the ups and downs are frequent and very noticable.
  6. mhodgman50red

    mhodgman50red The time is now.

    Hey man, how long did it take you to notice the new energy from cutting out PMO? Specifically the less anxiety. In the last few years, my anxiety has gone through the roof and I'm curious (and hoping) to see a difference after a while cutting out the PMO.
  7. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Hey! :) I was a nervous wreck the first 2-3 weeks after cutting out PMO, had trouble thinking of other things. But after that initial period I started to believe that I was gonna get through this and suddenly positive effects started "popping up".

    Abstaining from PMO gave me less anxiety and after about a month I actually enjoyed just talking to random people, and nothing made me nervous. That is a huge difference from my PMO-period when I felt like an introvert most of the time. I'm still feeling confident in myself and I guess this shows because I can totally see that more people enjoy being in my company now. I don't feel this good everyday of course, some days I feel like shit. But I guess that's just part of life and the "emotional rollercoaster" caused by the flatline.
  8. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Days are so different. Some days I wake up with morning wood (maybe 70-80% erection) and some days there's no activity at all down there. My plan is to try and find a girl to rewire with after new years some time, because I'm not really in the mood for it now, still flatlining.
    I already screwed up with the girl I met a few times this summer because of PIED. Worst feeling in the world, not being able to perform. Of course I made her orgasm in other ways.

    Anyway, just wanted to write something here because one thing annoys me so fucking much. That sex is everywhere, in the media, in songs, articles, everybody talks about it all the time. It's just a sad reminder for me that I cant perform. IT SUCKS.
    Today they discussed "number of sex-partners" on the radio and a random girl said that she had sex with 40 guys the past couple of years. Damn I also want to have sex! It's fucking frustrating. When I was a teenager I never thought I would have this kind of problem. :-\
  9. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Over 2 weeks MO-free. Feels alright. No life down there during days, but some nights I get a pretty strong erection. Just have to keep on truckin'.
  10. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Sitting here thinking about when I will experience true libido. I can't remember when I wanted to hook up with girls and have sex with them the last time. I haven't had that feeling for about 5 years or so. Sometimes (in the club) I try to pick up girls just to keep my social skills on top, but I never bring them home. It's pathetic when I think about it, but what can one do :eek: I have had numerous chances with girls but my ED has fucked it up everytime, or I would just pass them up because I was to afraid to take the chance. Guess I only could get aroused from pornstars. Then about 4 years ago I stopped trying, didn't want to chase any girls because I thought I'd never get it up anyway. So continued to PMO. I know so much about this now, just wish I'd known about this a long time ago.

    Well, I don't have any problem abstaining from P, I have kicked that urge. I'm gonna fight for a long MO-free period now, because I want to get out of this terrible flatine. Didn't even have any MW the past week.

    Then after a long MO-free period (60 days or so) I'm gonna try to find a girl I can rewire with. And maybe get my hands on some Viagra, because I am pretty sure that my problem must be a mix of PIED and Performance Anxiety. I just need to get used to real girls, cuddle with them more and then after a while, I hope everything will work out :)
  11. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Relapsed with MO one time today. :-\ Got super-drunk yesterday so I have a really bad hangover today. I have been lying in bed all day. So I didn't brake my record this time (60 days Mo-free), but I managed 27 days MO-free. I have had several periods around the 30-day mark this year.
    At least I can get like 80% hard now from just stimulation, a year ago I couldn't get an erection without porn. ::)

    Anyway, I'm gonna try again to abstain from MO for a long time again. :mad:
  12. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    I just have to make a quick update. Have been feeling like shit after that MO-relapse yesterday. I really regret it. Feeling low, very depressed.
    Have to try to get going with the ladies soon. I can't stand my life as it is right now, I don't want to live alone for ever.

    Guess the situation that both my brothers are fucking their girlfriends right now in the 2 rooms next to mine is not helping. They have always had girlfriends. I'm not like them, I'm never horny. Fucking hey.

    Ooh alright, time to stop whining now. Next year has to be my year. It just has to be. Otherwise I'm not sure what I can do.
  13. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    MO'd 1 time today. Woke up with MW and felt a little horny. I guess this is because of not having a wet dream for like 10 days. I fought the urge to masturbate but later during the day the urge hit me hard, felt like I was about to jizz in my pants without doing anything, and I relapsed.

    Ok I don't feel down or anything right now, we'll se how I feel the next few days. Just have to try again! At least I never think about P no more which is good! I think it's time for me to rewire when I can find a girl, I have a lot of schoolwork this month, and maybe will start at a new job too so I'll see when I have time to date some girls. 8)
  14. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Ok so I'm here again. I thought I would be able to post a success-story by now... but unfortunately that is not the case. I have not watched porn for about a year, which is good. I have masturbated around once a week at the beginning of this year. Since May I have a positive trend, been without M for long periods of time, usually 40-50 days streaks. Right now I have abstained from M for 76 days, which is personal best for me.

    Now the problem: I still feel like I'm in an endless flatline. I can not remember how it feels to be horny. On the positive side: this year I have managed to have sex with three girls (all with help of Viagra). I have not been able to have "successful sex" without Viagra. The thing is that I can only have sex once per week, then after orgasming through sex (I also suffer a bit from PE) I hit flatline again. I do not feel aroused by any girls easily, I need stimulation + Viagra to get hard enough for sex, but most days, this is not even working. So I pop a Viagra, but it doesn't work :/

    This has messed up so many chances at love for me. Right now I am dating this wonderful girl, sexy and all. She is girlfriend material for sure, and we have been going out for about 3 months now. It is good that I have the opportunity to reboot with her, some days I can get a semi from kissing (never happened before!) and another day it's all dead down there. I feel like she is suffering a bit from having so little sex so I fear that the relationship will end because of this. She says "I don't care too much about sex", but I can see it in her eyes that she is dissapointed. Right now, the flatline is worse than ever, no interest at all for soon 2 weeks!! I am only pleasing her, but it can get a bit boring in the long run, especially if I sleep at her place 5 nights a week. This is killing me!

    She is in the same social circle as me so I guess she tells my other friends, which I have been lying to the past years about this condition (they don't know shit about me not working properly, they only think I have low libido). I have become somewhat of a systematic and professional lier, which frightens me. I don't want my friends to know about my PIED, so I tell my girl that I have low libido and that I have booked an appointment with the doctor (I have already been at the doctor's half a year ago, and the test results were fine in every way). I am convinced that PIED is the case for me, since I could get rock-hard from porn but not without it.

    Anyway, felt like I wanted to share my thoughts, my girl just left and she looked sad (another night of no sex). I tell her it's only because of me, and she accepts that she is not the problem. But anyway.. I thought I would be cured by now!!
    Thanks for reading guys, I feel like I am moving in the right direction, but the progress is awfully slow, which is fucking my life up..
  15. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    Hey Strongman,

    your actual situation and your starting point with PIED, isolating oneself, e.g. sound so similar to mine except you have managed to stay away from porn for such a long time whereas I have just started and I'm a little bit older (I wish, I had detected YBOP and this site earlier...). Therefore, I think, I can only be of little help but to tell you this:

    Years back, I a girlfriend and I had somewhat the same problems you are facing right now. Because of having this massive shame that you apparently have too, I didn't tell her about my problem. I mean, I didn't even know where my ED originated from and ED pills were of little help. So, this relationship was doomed and I was the person to break up because I couldn't take it to fail at sex anymore. I guess, you know this humiliating feel not being able to get it up so sex becomes something threatening. A few months after breaking up, I met her again in a bar and we spend the night talking about all that and somehow I found the courage to tell her of my ED and that I don't know where it originated from and that I don't have any problems while masturbating and all that stuff. She was super understanding and I'm sure, I could have saved that relationship by just being honest about the problem. Of course, I won't encourage you to tell everyone about your problem but if you think, she is girlfriend material and if she is an understanding, caring and patient person who really loves you, this might be a real possibility and opportunity for you here. She probably thinks, you don't find her attractive or something like this. Sometimes, I think, if only I had let her in on this problem, I wouldn't have to deal with all that crap today. She was the one who was super patient and encouraging with me, whereas I didn't want to fail at sex anymore. I can only tell you this much, you have to decide what to do.

    Good luck!
  16. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thanks for your input RoryMac :) I like that you share your own experience, it's quite similar to mine.

    I talked to my girl today, explained that I find her very attractive, sincere and nice. And that I would like to continue too see her, but that I am ashamed of not being able to perform often. She said that she really likes me and cares for me, and that sex was not important, she wanted to be with me anyway. So that's good news so far, I am able to continue to reboot, I think I really need this. I'm gonna hope that I am cured before new years at least!

    I feel I have total control over the addiction, since I have no urges to M. I am just gonna O whenever I can with her and see how that works out the next month.
  17. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    The flatline is real! The only time I have felt some horniness this year is during a four day- period when I had sex with this girl one time per night (about a month ago, with Viagra). Then I entered flatline again, and now it is real bad. Not a single sensation for 2 weeks! Last night I lay beside her in bed, she looked really sexy as usual. Did not feel anything (even with Viagra, which I eat in secret).

    Aww well, guess I have to trust in the process, now not even porn or nothing turns me on (accidently saw a nude girl on facebook and it didn't turn me on at all). So I hope neurological pathways connected to porn have weakened now.

    I think that this "relationship" is screwed, but I will keep on rebooting for as long as she lets me... Worst part is that she has told her friends and family about me, and that a friend told my family about this girl. I wanted to keep this in the dark, but whatever, I guess all soon will know that the relationship is fucked because of my ED.

    It's hard to stay optimistic today, I am having a bad day. I have stayed away from porn and even masturbation for such long periods of time (during a 2-year period) that I am starting to doubt the whole process.
  18. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    Hold on, isn't that actually a good thing, that she has told her relatives about you? I mean, this should give you a confidence boost, it so to say approves of you, doesn't it? You sound very negative, yet there are no signs that she has lost patience with you? So, stay positive and focused, talk to her about it if you feel like it and tell her that you need a little time with all this and that you appreciate her patience.
  19. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Thanks for encouragement. I was having a bad day.

    I am a bit more optimistic today. Had a wet dream tonight, still flatlining hard though. I am going to the gym a lot as usual and studying much right now. Trying to keep my mind of "dead dick-syndrome", hasn't really had any MW this week either. Guess I have to limit O, cuz everytime I O with her, I'm flatlining hard for a week or more after. Just waiting for the flatline to end, it has been waaay to long, I am so frustrated with this haha. If it's not better before new years, then something else is wrong with me. Been at this for around 2 years now.
  20. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Have had no sensation at all down there, for over 2 weeks now. Flatline. No erection at all while kissing or so with the girl last night. Today I saw a video of topless girls on Facebook for just a few secons in my feed, (THE FUCK, WHY ARE THERE NUDITY ON FACEBOOK NOWADAYS??) and I would immediately feel an erection emerging. Guess that means that I am still wired to porn somehow. I thought I was in "no man's land" right now where nothing could turn me on.

    My mood is changing drastically from day to day. Some days I am so depressed and other days I am much more positive. One thing is certain; the flatline is a very tough period to experience, I hope that it will end soon.

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