Encounter with a TS escort left me in extreme guilt and regret

Hi, this is my first post on here. I discovered porn when I was about 9, and i used to watch it all the time cause i was addicted, i didn't realize it back then but now I do. I started masturbating when i was about 13, and since then it has just gotten worse and worse.

I was never really good with women growing up so never really had a girlfriend or anything. The more and more i masturbated i started watching crazier and crazier shit and the normal stuff wasn't enough. I started dabbling with trans porn when i was about 17, but i want watching it very often.

I have tried to stop masturbating before because I knew that porn wasn't good for me. But every time I fail i fall into a even deeper rabbit hole.

In middle school and highschool i had absolutely no female friends. In highschool i was in a class with all boys. I never went to any parties or anything like that. then i graduated and started working. In late November to December 2020, i had completely convinced myself that i was never going to loose my virginity. So I went online and looked for escorts.

That is something I was reluctant to do because I swore to myself that i would never do that. Yet i did end up meeting one and had sex for the first time. It was terrible, And totally crushed me inside. I didn't like it at all. Just like with porn it didn't fulfil the hole in my heart. And it left me even more broken. I wasn't even able to orgasm.

Despite hating my experience, i continued seing escorts. I taught that if i saw a different girl maybe the experience would be better. There where brief moments when i enjoyed the sex. But after every time I left feeling disgusted by myself. 90 percent of the time i had to finish myself off and i don't know why that is.

Throughout all this time I'm still masturbating and ejaculating to porn. My addition to trans porn started getting worse and worse. I was constantly tying to do no fap, but i always failed. Sometimes i lasted a week, 2 weeks, 3 days but after every relapse i just got even worse. It eventually came to the point where is started looking at ads for TS escorts.

This leads me to today. I was supposed to meet a regular female escort, but i had trouble setting up a time. Then when i was still outside i just decided to make an appointment with a trans woman.

When i arrived at her door i was extremely nervous, and everything in my mind said gtfo. But i couldn't. There were times where I told here i was gonna leave but i didn't and i still went through with it. I was extremely uncomfortable trough out the prosess.

I had anal sex with her with a condom and received oral. After i was finished i immediately felt the regret and I left straight away, and i don't know how I'm going to deal with the emotions I'm currently having right now. And I'm scared that i might have and std or something despite using a condom

I have hit so many lows this year, but this was officially rock bottom. How do I recover from this. How to i deal with the guilt and the disgust if feel about myself. I have come to the point where I believe the only way to solve this problem is to castrate myself.

Please help me guys. I don't know what to do

 

I also received oral sex from a shemale a few years back. I was heavy on drugs and not in my right mind but I’ve always been scarred by it since. The only way to get into a good head space is completely get rid of porn and escorts take a look at your life and decide where and who you want to be and everyday push yourself to get there. Also finding healthy hobbies and relationships is great. As far as what you did you’ll probably always regret it but it’s power can be non existent over you.