EasternPromise Journal - 34m, trying to reboot for 2+ years

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by EasternPromise, Dec 8, 2013.

  1. Hey folks.
    Giving this another shot. Am pretty motivated and feel that Ii'm at the right time in my life. I've got all the reasons to, and just need to execute.

    Along with contributions to the forum in general, I'm looking for an accountability partner with a similar profile to mine.

    My story:

    Fap/Sexual history
    Hypersexual as a child, teenager, and adult. Masturbating since I was 5 or 6, and to porn for most of my life.
    Experienced some ED issues in the past but learned to ‘get over them’ through manual stimulation and some help with mental imagery. Typically would make out w/ a girl to get hard, but once I got there my unit ‘locked in’ and I could maintain an erection
    Until two years ago would have sex several times a week, but masturbate (with porn) almost as much. Porn had been gravitating into weirdness (I’ve always had some kinks/fetishes, but noticed some HOCD stuff – and I have zero homoerotic impulse).
    Used marijuana frequently to enhance the experience

    Onset
    About two years ago I experienced a weird ‘injury’ where a bunch of dry skin sloughed off my glans and left me with a raw frenulum. Dry skin had come/gone in the past, but with no consequence
    Frenulum had cracks across it and felt very raw – right in the ‘hinge’ and pleasure zone. This left my unit feeling ‘scrambly’ as if I had disrupted a nerve or something. Sex/fapping didn’t feel good, yet I continued to fap/porn at least a couple of times a week

    After a couple of months of not healing my Dr. had diagnosed ‘dermatitis’ and prescribed a steroid cream for a month
    Symptoms have largely healed and frenulum strengthened but some symptoms remain – mild ‘scrambly’ sensation, and sometimes feel a weird pang/response in my back, leg and foot (all on left side where the frenulum was irritated/cut)
    This led to ED:

    ED
    Although I could still get erections (if I manually stimulated myself or look at porn) they just wouldn't ‘lock-in’ and go down right away if I stop stimulating. There didn't seem to be the same kind of connection/response when I get hard.
    I could keep myself semi-hard by either continuing to look at porn or by exercising mind-control (I’ve gotten really good at this to stay hard during intercourse), but was a stretch and not very enjoyable (for me anyway)
    Orgasms stopped feeling the same. Not entirely pleasant and almost ‘too intense’

    Recovery
    Been attempting NoFap for over two years with varying degrees of success
    Got into 45-60 day ranges with great results, albeit almost inevitably always relapsed again
    All relapses come with same symptoms, initially super strong erections which start to fade; major mood problems, lack of attention span, irritability, brain fog, all that shit

    Triggers and Addiction
    The most challenging part has been the feeling of helplessness. When a trigger grips me, my rational brain shuts down completely and I'm in auto-pilot. I forget about all else and follow the urge to PMO or even worse - an escort (no intercourse, just kink). The dopamine rush experienced is like nothing I have ever felt before, and I've experimented with numerous drugs in the past. The only thing I can compare it to is being very VERY high on cocaine. Go dopamine.

    What's next?
    I'm in a place in my life where I can no longer wait another day. I need to turn my life around and stop the addiction cycle. I'm in a good place in a lot of ways, but feel hollow on the inside. My career, my relationships, my wife, my health all suffer due to my paralyzing addiction to PMO. My wife and I want to have kids in the next couple of years and I want to make sure we are both in a very good place before that happens. Healthy, loving, stress free and just ourselves.

    My plan is as follows:
    I've mapped out my 5 year life vision and am diligently executing on it
    I'm on a physical/mental health kick which includes regular exercise, yoga and meditation
    I like stats, and have started a spreadsheet. Welcome comments, questions (and TIPS!!) on managing your own records

    More than anything - I'm looking for an accountability partner, and/or perhaps a (non-faith based) support group of some kind to deal with this affliction. I'm in Toronto, Canada.

    Please feel free to reach out with any comments/questions. I'm very happy to correspond and feel I have a lot to give back to this community.
    Best of luck!
    EP
     
  2. sambob99

    sambob99 New Member

    Hey EP, nice intro, i'm a wee bit younger than yourself but i would just like to say that your goal is one of the greatest you can have. I too am hoping to one day be ready to father a child, but i'm like you in the sense that it just wouldn't feel right till i have my shit straight so to speak.

    Look forward to seeing your updates

    Peace
     
  3. Thanks for the support.

    First days of a reboot are generally mired with irritability and heavy brain fog. This time is no different. Keeping to task with work and other goals generally help. Hoping for a a subdued flatline on this go round. I find the emotional instability and moodiness to be really tough.
     
  4. Tough break today.

    Too much privacy at work today was on youtube doing work-stuff but it led me down a dark hole... ended up on Tumblr looking at all the hard stuff again.

    Feeling in a haze. Only five minutes but my head got spun around.

    Pretty pissed off at letting that happen.

    *sigh*
     
  5. My brain has been a fucking mess ever since yesterday. Despite knowing, rationalizing, and being acutely aware of the self-harm - all I want to do is look at porn and PMO.

    The dopamine rush is leaving me in a cocaine-like haze; I'm unable to focus on anything for more than a few moments, let alone achieve any clarity of thought.

    Hoping to get some time to myself and meditate over the coming few days but it's not in the cards.

    I hate who I become around others when I feel like this. Bitchy, irritable, distant. Itake it out on my family without knowing how to stop.

    Fuck...
     
  6. Me_vs_P

    Me_vs_P Guest

    PMO changes us into a completely different person than what we were meant to be.
    What you describe sounds so familiar. I read somewhere that PMO changes our life in such a way that it fits perfectly to our addiction. We become irritable, unpleasant people, all we want is to be by ourselves so we can indulge in our addiction without someone bothering us.
    Ugh, just the thought that I lived like that for ten years.
    Let's change.
     
  7. Left alone in the office at work yesterday and PM'd for at least an hour before finally heading home. I've got K9s installed on home computers so I'm generally safe there.

    Had an epic anxiety/panic attack at home, had to isolate myself for the whole evening; wife thought I was going crazy. I kind of was... Having a hard time talking to her about this. She trivializes and patronizes my problems, especially when they deal with behavioural addiction. Doesn't understand how hard of a mindfuck porn really is.

    So... back to square one. Hoping to take this day by day.

    I crossposted elsewhere, but if anyone knows of any groups that deal with this issue in Toronto - or anyone I could at least talk to about accountability, it'd be much appreciated.

    Cheers,
     
  8. Re: EasternPromise Journal - 35m, trying to reboot for 2+ years

    Back again, another year - another reboot. 21 days in and over the flatline hump.

    Feel like it's gonna be different this time. I have more willpower, more perseverence and even more reason to give up the nasty for good.

    I've been reading a bunch of Gabor Mate's work lately and frankly, it's brilliant. He really breaks down what addiction is and how it affects people. It allowed me to approach myself with more empathy instead of beating myself up when I failed. I understood the root causes of my addiction better how to short circuit the cravings, relapses and shame spirals. He does Ayuhuasca retreats in South America and I'm very tempted to go sometime. It's opening up Pandora's Box, but I think I'm ready.

    Back here on earth, I've been on a pretty good streak and am feeling good effects. My wife and I have both been down and out without much time for each other lately. I've been sick with bronchitis for three weeks, and she's in her first trimester of pregnancy. We've both been exhausted and not in the mood.

    Today we were able to sleep in, take it easy and spend the day together. It was great. One very motivating part of re-balancing is that it makes me more aware of beautiful my wife is. It feels great to be turned on by her again; I feel my sense become more open and I'm able to tune in to physical intimacy much more. We had a romp today and it was fantastic.

    On the darker side of things, I slipped up later in the day and ended up down an internet rabbit hole. Rather unexpected, but it tripped a lot of my major triggers.

    One of the fetish issues I've been dealing with is cross-dressing. It's something I've had all my life - so I know it wasn't porn induced, but porn pushed it WAY over the edge. I got pretty heavily into femme/sissy hypno stuff and it just warped my brain. Undoing all that is taking some real conscious work. I've been on a good stretch in not even thinking about that stuff (as if it doesn't exist) until today. It was like a cloudy storm rolled back in. I was cruising e-bay for some thermal underwear (have a couple of snowboarding trips coming up), and I took a wrong turn somewhere. I ended up on a few pages of sellers with pages and pages of lingerie, specifically designed and altered for men wanting to do the femme/sissy thing. My brain just binged on this shit. 20 minutes of nothing but scrollllllllllling until I physically stood up just to shake myself out of the haze. It reminded me of zombie mode on the Tumblr sites. What a fucking trap. My head's been a bit amiss for the balance of the afternoon (to the point of random thoughts of my favourite Tumblr sites just popping in my head - damn you scumbag brain!!!)

    Anyway, all is well. I don't feel it was a legit relapse given how mild the content was, but nonetheless a good wake-up call.

    Tomorrow is Monday and the weekdays are generally easier to deal with. Meditation at lunch, and hopefully I can keep my balance.

    All the best to you peeps. If anyone wants to chat about my experience to date, pls post here or PM me. I wish I could have given myself a good shake even 5 years ago, let alone 10. I wish these resources were available back then. We should count ourselves lucky now.
     
  9. Keeping up the streak and about to hit 28 days. Feel that I have built up better defences than in the past. I've been drawing on some cognitive tricks (cooling down hot thoughts; if/then scenarios) that have been effective at keeping my head straight and away from peeking distractions. I would love to hear from others with similar experiences...

    On past reboots I had allowed myself to browse/peek through dominatrix advertisements. I justified it in that it wasn't as bad a PMO because I would actually see and engage with some of these women. Amazing what your brain can rationalize just to get a fix. I see it for what it is now, and have been clean on this reboot. Feeling like I'm making much more progress, but with that come other challenges.

    I haven't had too much trouble with anxiety in the past, but this week has been a mess. I've been feeling grumpy and anti-social. Constant runaway thoughts; make me feel like ADD. I spent the morning alone with my wife at work and my mother in law (visiting to attend a course) also out all day. Had the stir crazies all morning; and couldn't settle down. Ended up meditating for a half hour, doing yoga for a hour and meditating for another half. Felt great. Really helped to chill things out... until more or less the evening.

    Had sex w/ the wife once this week. Frequency is down because she's pregnant and tired all the time. Felt great though, and little trouble getting hard. Tough refractory period though and a very scattered morning after. Chased the chaser away with some Aneros prostate massage (felt divine) and a nap. Hope I have similar discipline in the future...
     
  10. back to work this week and my thoughts and feelings have been a mess. Constant cravings, fetish ridden fantasies, runaway thoughts, and general scatterbrain. Tried meditating last two nights but thoughts escape to fantasy land and my cock gets hard. Can't calm myself at night well enough to sleep. Wife has been making me herbal tea - special concoction to get me to sleep, plus blowjobs. Bless her. Coming has been the only thing helping me settle down but I crash in a big way. Not a viable long term solution...

    Just cracked 30 days - committed to turn another. Peeked at some stuff on my phone today. Gotta cancel the newsletter from the sexclub my wife and I used to go to. Too many temptations abound. I also work around a whole bunch of minxy little sexpots. Their outfits and shoes just drive me up the wall. Can't fucking concentrate with all these distractions... once the thoughts grip me - I'm lost until I come again.
     
  11. Well, I relapsed. Saw this one coming (no pun intended) from a mile away but was still helpless when it finally hit me.

    With every relapse I feel like I learn something new about myself. I've had a few days of peeking now, and constant thoughts of fetish/fantasy. I have a business trip coming up soon and have been very tempted to see a backpage fetish girl. Spent some time browsing ads and getting to know 'the scene' in the city. Even posted an ad to see if any local girls were interested telling myself that even if someone responded, I wouldn't go through with it. It's all so ritualistic and predictable...

    Today was the day that all the wrong things lined up. Had a terrible day at work and felt like shit. Couldn't focus, and spent most of the day o n my blackberry flicking around between ads, stocks, news sites, e-bay and distractions. Standard dopamine fuelling garbage. My brain felt like it was eating itself and I couldn't concentrate, let alone be productive. Mid afternoon I couldn't take it anymore and went home. Thought I would sleep it off and feel better...

    Well, my wife was out until 8pm so the first thing I did was get into bed and try on lingerie I just bought off e-bay. I have an issue with cross dressing and have all my life. It's not PMO induced, but just like the foot/nylon fetish which I've also had all my life - porn just makes it worse. Next thing you know; I'm firing up porn and in zombie mode. Way too late to stop at that point. I barged all through my rational thoughts and mental stopgaps I had set for myself. The dopamine is flooding and I feel like I'm on top of the world! One hour later I'm curled up in a fetal position realizing that my wife is about to come home and I'm wearing cuban heel stockings in bed. WTF. Way to go scumbag brain, way to go...

    I realized today... that when I recognize that I'm heading down that path, I'm better off to just MO and give my head a shake rather than continue to escalate and end up at P. Call it harm reduction if you will, but if I can 'sober up' like that in crisis mode, it beats edging and/or PMO. I can also channel that into sex with my wife, which is ideal. Less realistic on a Friday at 2pm, but something to consider...

    Trying not to beat myself up too much about this... have been trying to quit for years and while im still not clean, my frequency is way down. I used to PMO up to 10 times per week. In the last 12 months it was less than 10 times in total. Maybe that will be the only time in 2015!

    Signing off; good luck everyone...
     
  12. Fucking hell...

    Relapse twice more, twice in a day - three times in a week. At work. In my office with the door closed... jerking off while scrolling through Tumblr on my smartphone.

    Not really sure whats up next, and what my strategy is going to be. The sobering thought I had today was the fact that PMO-ing actively destroys braincells. Thinking about that actually hurts. The brain fog and ache after a PMO session being the result of actual brain cell loss.

    Everyone is differnt, but that's as strong of a motivator as I may ever need. Next time it flies up in my face again - that's all I need to remember.

    Look at porn = fry your brain.
     
  13. Another season, another reboot attempt. How will it be different this time? Will I actually have the strength and willpower to persevere when my brain goes into zombie mode?

    I've been 1-2x per month relapse schedule all year. Different triggers, same result. Sometimes it starts slowly and build over the week. Sometimes it's sudden and I'm in the thick of it before I know it. Results all the same. PMO session, regret, feel like shit and unable to respond emotionally, physically and intimately to my wife. Our relationship has suffered. She understands but doesn't. Sex and intimacy are very important to her and when I'm in the first week of reboot - I'm useless in the sack and feel terrible going through the motions. I don't enjoy it and she can tell...

    What's different? We're expecting our first child in two weeks. A daughter. How will that help? Not sure... I've heard a lot of emotional/chemical changes take place when you have a kid. Perhaps this will help to put things in perspective. Perhaps feeling such intense love for someone will help me avoid numbing myself with porn, and escaping reality. Perhaps I just won't have time and will prioritize family life instead.

    Either way, another reset - wish me luck folks. Maybe this time it's for real.
    EP
     
  14. I got to 65 days before relapsing again. Hard. PMO'd for 3 or 4 days in a row.

    Good news is, feel like I am gaining strength with every relapse/reboot attempt. Results at 65 days were quite encouraging. Great erections, great sex, great mood overall. Lots of ooomph behind arousal, and felt the testosterone surging through my body.

    Felt much better emotionally as well. Fewer roller costers, less anxiety, depression, etc.

    Trigger this time around was major sleep deprivation and sleeping alone. New baby, and wife and I are both exhausted. I've been sleeping on a cot in the living room, and needless to say we've had zero chances at time alone to ourselves. Combination of knowing that I don't stand a chance w/ the wife and sleeping alone led to PMO pretty quickly. Next thing you know I'm having hour+ long PMO sessions and exhausting myself physically well into the night; poisoning and corrupting my psyche with the vilest filth.

    Ah well, clarity now... been trying to get this monkey off my back for almost 5 years now. Will beat this before it beats me.
     
  15. 45 days seems to be a threshold for me. I can manage through the flatline, but avoiding getting intro trouble when the libido surges back is difficult.

    Relapsed again - trying this again.......

    May nee dto try something different before this eats me up. Problems in life and marriage aren't helping. Wish I could be who I have the potential to be.

    Fuck you, brain.
     

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