Dudeonthebayou - Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by dudeonthebayou, Jun 26, 2014.

  1. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    So i'm new to this website. Let me tell a little about myself. I was born and raised in Sweden, moved to United States when I was 26. Been married 17 years and have two kids. I think my addiction started when i was 12 years old, that's when i started masturbating as well. At my parents summer home by the Swedish coast, a house where relatives used to stay, some magazines was left behind. And lo and behold who would find them. I think at that age back in 1984 i really didn't understand what it was that was happening or what i was seeing. But like with everyone else, it felt GOOD. Never had a girl friend growing up until i met my wife. We married in 1997 and of course our sex life was great. Newly wed and no kids then you get basically get it on anytime you want. But i was having problems keeping it up and always had problems with Premature Ejaculation. Always super sensitive and never go very long. 1999 our son was born and 2002 our daughter. Sex life was slowing down a bit which is natural with taking care of two children. But I never wanted to hang out with anyone, only stay home and in secret watch porn on the internet. I was getting upset with my wife for not wanting sex like she always used to and I know I was being selfish. I felt like why is she not like that. Why can't she be like those women. I just didn't understand. So i started talking to someone on the computer I used to know before i met my wife. I think we talked for little over a year. I was in my mind getting more and more attracted to this person (we never got physical with each other) and less and less to my wife until i stopped feeling love for my wife. I felt completely rejected. I was at the bottom. I could not look her in the eyes and tell her i loved her any longer. I don't know if this has anything really to do with porn but I think it caused the initial twisted view. I had to confess it to my wife and we had a fall out. Lots of screaming and crying. And i really do hate myself for doing this to her and i will have to live with it. I thought all this would be simple, i would tell her, we would split and i would be happy. WRONG. Not only did i break her heart but also my own. I could not bare the though of leaving her once I had told her. I would not had blamed her for running a blade through me if she wanted to cause I deserved it. But by God's grace she didn't. We spent the next few days airing everything out and put everything on the table. My love for my wife is stronger now than ever before. Since this my wife has been diagnosed with various illnesses (diabetes, neuropathy, hyperthiroidism etc) so she is hurting all the time, so sex is really not a daily thing. So i have been "comforting" myself on daily basis in the shower. But my addiction to porn was not gone. It has been steady coming back and even in my mind i know i was addicted i kept trying to fight it off. But it has made a come back. A week or so ago I told my wife that i watch it occasionally and she lovingly asked me to quit. She has since last year quit smoking so she knows had bad addictions are. So from today on. I pledge to quit watching porn and quit masturbating and be only for my wife. For whenever or whatever she feels like doing. Thanks. Please hold me accountable.
  2. Sidd

    Sidd Guest

    Hi Dude OTB and welcome,
    This is a grest place to get support, understanding and comfort from guys who are all pretty much in the same boat. Usually we have the same or simillar histories and common triggers that cause us to seek relief, and comfort from stress, anxiety , worry, loneliness, boredom. Keep coming, keep reading and keep posting. Time will change how you feel and this addiction can be overcome.
  3. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Agree with Sidd.

    Come here often. This addiction can be beaten but it's a hard road… worth taking of course, and support is necessary. If you haven't already, check out Your Brain On Porn website. Welcome.
  4. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Thanks guys, I will report my progress. Fixing on going to bed. Work tomorrow. I think this is one of the hardest times for anyone. And when most is likely to fall for the temptations.
  5. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    There is a saying. That if you do something every day for 60 days it is called a habit. Then it becomes part of your life no matter if you do it every day or not. It's still there. Like a big pink elephant that no one wants to talk about. I have to own my habit and deal with it. My wife and the kids are on vacation this week so it makes this even more difficult even more tempting. So this is the morning after.
  6. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Almost the end of day 1. I had a few desires today to look at porn and a few desires to MO but tried to refocus my mind instead. So far its ok. After MO almost once or twice a day for years its hard to change this habit or addiction. I really never PMO lately or at least it has been a long time since. But if doing to to memory then yes.
  7. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    DAY 2 of no P and MO
    Sitting this morning and make a powerpoint for something I need tomorrow, my mind started to wander. My urges tell me that I rather look at porn right now then do this work. Have to finish this up and get out the house for awhile. I find I am waking up earlier in the morning restless, woke up at 4am this morning making myself go back to sleep.
  8. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    I wanted to share this that was shared on my facebook just a little while ago by www.xxxchurch.com.

    Original URL http://www.xxxchurch.com/thehaps/does-porn-shrink-your-brain.html

    Does Porn Shrink Your Brain?
    by Craig Gross on June 28 2014

    If you have followed our ministry for any period of time or tracked news stories on pornography addiction then you most likely have heard the argument that porn alters you brain. You might even say “damages” it.

    The idea of pornography exposure actually affecting one’s brain is certainly a compelling argument for what we have always contended … porn is not healthy for you. But the question has often been this.

    Is it true?

    Does porn really damage or alter your brain?

    The results of a recent clinical investigation out of Germany seem to indicate yes.

    In May the “JAMA Pscychiatry” journal published findings from a study of 64 men, who’s brains were scanned in an MRI. The study found that men who viewed porn frequently had smaller striatums (an important part of your brain’s rewards system) and displayed less active rewards system activity when watching sexual imagery inside an MRI machine.

    What really caught my attention was a quote I found from the actual study. It said the following:

    “We found a significant negative association between reported pornography hours per week and gray matter volume in the right caudate (P < .001, corrected for multiple comparisons) as well as with functional activity during a sexual cue–reactivity paradigm in the left putamen (P < .001). Functional connectivity of the right caudate to the left dorsolateral prefrontal cortex was negatively associated with hours of pornography consumption.”

    In other words, your brain gets smaller and you become more difficult to get aroused. (You can read about the full study here http://archpsyc.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1874574#Results if you like that academic sort of stuff.)

    Now admittedly, 64 men is a small sample and the cause-effect relationship of these factors is not entirely certain. BUT, the arguments this study puts forward are very convincing.

    Ultimately, if you look at porn and wonder if it’s good for you then all you really need to do is ask yourself:

    1. Has porn made it more difficult for me to get turned on by things that used to do the trick?
    2. Has porn made it more difficult for my marriage?
    3. Has porn become something that I just can’t seem to stop looking at even if I wanted to?
    4. Other than a quick fix, does porn really add any value to my sex life of romantic relationships?

    The reality is this. It doesn’t matter what a study says. The best person that can determine if porn is good for you or bad for you is you

    And if after thinking about it you come to the conclusion that porn is hurting you then we are here to help.

    IMHO any damage we do our own bodies leave some form of permanent damage, may it be big or small damage.
  9. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Having thought through what perhaps some of my triggers for porn would be is maybe not directly "hey lets go look at online porn when no one is home". But trying spice things up in the bedroom the few times it actually happens due to my wife's conditions being in pain all the time, going look for massage oils or sexy lingerie or toys or whatever. I know it might sound inconsiderate of me. But this is how things usually start. Then my imagination take hold and it usually brings me to some Porn video site. But I don't spend hours watching, i think its to get the quick fix and get out. I never masturbate watching porn directly. But to the memory.

    A few years ago I had throw out all porn DVD's and tapes I had in my closet because I was trying to get this out of my life. But it seems to creep back from other places.

    In the beginning of my marriage I had trouble maintaining an erection making love to my wife. I had to concentrate and imagine someone else like a porn star or whatever in her place. It really made me upset with myself. That I could not be turned on by my wife.

    This is what years of porn and daily masturbation does. It screws up your mind and your body. It disconnects your true desires for your spouse from sex and connects sex with porn, climax with porn, erection with porn, erection with masturbation. And where does it connect your spouse to... i think it shorts the circuit and leaves it unplugged. Restoring your mind is a bit like restoring your computer to the last date you had a problem. And just like it, there will always have somethings left that will come back and haunt you. I have very slight memories from my child hood, bits and pieces. I don't remember what my parents looked like when I was little. So I hope maybe years from now the memories of porn might be gone from my mind as well. I could only hope.
  10. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 3

    It's 1:40am on day 3 and I can't sleep. Been tossing and turning just can't relax. I don't have anxiety just restless. I'm tired. :-[

    Don't know if this causes it or my diet but I've been suffering with constipation too and it makes things even more uncomfortable. Maybe I'm just getting old.

    Close to 5 am have to get up and get ready for church. I'm wide awake from hardly sleeping anything. Like I have some kind of extra energy and my body doesn't know what to do with it. If I still have trouble sleeping tonight it will take some Benedryl. On another exciting note. My wife and kids are coming back home tonight from vacation. Still P and MO free as of this point. But it's getting harder.
  11. sdlekr

    sdlekr Free


    Go easy on yourself but don't forget these words.
  12. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    I hear ya 651. Its easy for the smallest thing to throw off your daily routine. I will finally able to get some sleep this afternoon.
  13. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Yes, porn does screw up your brain, but it can all be reversed, healed, but it takes time, and it takes not using porn. Stay porn-free and you can work on the rest.
  14. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Yes sir. So far so good.
  15. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Almost the end of day 3.

    Thinking what is it attracts a person to watch porn. What makes it exciting. Why is it addicting. What makes a person sit hours on end watching porn and pleasure themselves and probably feel pretty crappy afterwards. From reading many journals which I really enjoy what people have shared so openly, I think porn is much like any other addiction. It sucks you in and traps you. I never told anyone this, but years ago I was working for a small computer company as the only employee and the owner was never there. Only time I saw him was at payroll time. Things was slow and i probably spent days on end watching porn online while waiting on phone calls. It didn't do anything for me except cause problem in my relationship with my wife. I don't know why I was watching it, boredom i suppose, one of the many triggers that i read from the journals. Things never did pickup and I was laid off a few years later from lack of work. I tried to kick the porn habit at that time as I started a new job which lasted a little over 2 years. I implemented a content filter at that company (which I had admin rights to), but the porn was calling. Just a password would disable the filter. It was harder to watch it now cause there were always people around so it really didn't happen very often. About a year or so in i had enough and did not watch porn until about a months ago with about 2 years clean, but i never stopped MO to the images in my head.

    At the beginning of this month the kids was off at camp for a week and me and the wife was messing around in the shower and as excited as I was I could not get it up for anything and it freaked me out. I felt I wasn't good enough that I had lost my manhood. I started getting depressed. Due to my wife's medical condition sex might happen once every few weeks to every few months. She was in a car accident last year which caused her more pain and we didn't have sex for over 6 months. During this time she was suffering with pain and YI's due to stress. Poor thing she was like a living pincushion with all the doctor visits. The insurance and lawyer is still not finished with the accident so it really stresses her out. I always joke with her and tell her that sex is a stress reliever. She usually just roll her eyes at me and smiles. Anyway so not being able to get it up really messed me up and I have been trying to understand why. But I never connected porn and masturbation to it as the cause. I think since joining this site I learned much about the addiction and though its a long struggle I think its a struggle worth fighting.

    Thanks for reading and responding to my posts.
  16. ravensrock

    ravensrock New Member

    Welcome dudeonthebayou! Your story is similar to many guys on here including my own. I'm impressed that you made it through without PMO while your wife and kids were away. That would have been a real challenge for me. As others have said, keep coming back on here. Read others journals and post every day. Stay strong!
  17. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 4

    Monday morning back at work. Everyone was so tired coming home so late. I managed to get some hours of sleep but still a bit restless. Still doing OK, have thought about MO. I was trying to rationalize to myself why I should. Kind of like having the devil and the angel on each shoulder going back and forth. It's been 5 weeks since me and the wife had sex so another 56 days would be no different I think.
  18. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    I think its been awhile, probably since before I married my wife that I would feel some stirring down there just sitting by her. MO'ing every day seemed to have really desensitized my desires. But last night it was different sitting by her even though nothing happened. I didn't get an erection but I definitely felt something. I also have been waking up more often with erections during the night for the last few days which I haven't had for i don't know how long. I think during sex it has been a more forced kind with a lot of concentration for a long time.
  19. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    That is a very sad story, that you actually got to the point of feeling like you would not care if you left your wife.
    That is porn no doubt, when in the grip of the addiction my partner seems unattractive to me, I feel like 'I can do better' and hate myself for it. I lost a relationship a few years back because of this, i feel a lot of sadness about that, and it was horrible for her... The guilt can be painful even though it is in the past and I am married now, so I felt relief when I got to the end of your story and you did not lose your wife.

    For me I would write down resolutions not to go to porn sites and then look later that day. That stopped when I found this site and I 'only' look every two weeks or sometimes go a month without peeking... I know I need to focus and go the whole 90 days. For me... the porn addiction was with my vivid imagination I would conjure up a scene... and porn got so advanced that almost anything I could think off I could see in front of my eyes... As I got addicted I started to not take care of myself as much, the online girls didn't care if I had food stains on my shirt or a growing belly....

    I hope you can beat this. I'm very sorry to hear about the pain your wife experiences and it would be a wonderful thing if you could beat this and be 100% there for her. Good luck.
  20. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Thanks Beowulf. I will do my best.

    It's the end of day 4. I tried to keep busy all day long and then getting some large papers scanned at a office supply store. Today has been pretty good never really had any desires to look at porn. I think knowing that I will be held accountable helps too.

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