Day 26 I feel depression coming about. The urge to MO is there. But the result and reward of O is not worth it. As I wrote in a previous post. After O i feel depressed, cloudy mind and tired. That is a feeling I don't want. There is no reward in pleasing yourself. Only temporary pleasure. I was out at a client's location working on a computer issue and it really boggled my mind. Something I need to do more research about.
Ok, stop. You are now in what is called the pre-lapse. That is the stage where you're headed toward a relapse and the wheels are already turning. Don't give in to the urge. Change up your routine. Depression does not have to equal a trigger. If you relapse, you're going to say you saw it coming and look back to this time period. Fight it. You can do this.
Day 27 Things have been eating away at me for awhile. What kind of person am I and what kind of person do I want to be for my family. How will I be perceived when I'm gone and how will I be remembers or should I say will I be remembered. I guess that's enough for anyone to be depressed about.
Day 32 Any weirdness I have been feeling has gone away. I have kept myself busy with life to even worry. Yesterday something did really bother me that I felt uncomfortable that I had to be in the situation. A client is going through a divorce because of cheating issues and I had to go setup a computer at the wife's home. Super uncomfortable. I just wanted to get out of there fast because she was mad at the world as it was. I thank God that I am not remotely interested. No P or MO for 32 days I think that is a good step. I haven't had much of any urges to watch. I asked my wife the other day if she think we will ever make love again and she said yes and i said cause I miss it and she said believe it or not me too. So maybe there is hope yet but not at the present. She is still huge from fluid but it gradually is going away.
