Day 32 Any weirdness I have been feeling has gone away. I have kept myself busy with life to even worry. Yesterday something did really bother me that I felt uncomfortable that I had to be in the situation. A client is going through a divorce because of cheating issues and I had to go setup a computer at the wife's home. Super uncomfortable. I just wanted to get out of there fast because she was mad at the world as it was. I thank God that I am not remotely interested. No P or MO for 32 days I think that is a good step. I haven't had much of any urges to watch. I asked my wife the other day if she think we will ever make love again and she said yes and i said cause I miss it and she said believe it or not me too. So maybe there is hope yet but not at the present. She is still huge from fluid but it gradually is going away.
Day 35 Still no MO and P. I had a sex dream for the first time in a long time but I woke up before it finished so to speak. I guess the brain tries to take out frustration some kind of way. I'm sure the body ejects stuff on a regular basis so you don't get backed up even if you don't do it yourself. It's Science.
Day 36 My daughter went to home coming yesterday. She didn't have a date thank God so she went with her friends. Being the over protective dad that I am I told her to text me when they went eat before the dance and when they got to the dance. 2 hours later she texted to come pick her up cause she had enough. So glad she is not a party girl or boy crazy. So I didn't get much sleep at all so today I spend the day resting. Not much cravings for anything today except tacos (the food) and I made with lettuce wraps instead of tortillas. Low carb when you have a craving.
Day 37 Another week, another battle. The urge to MO is back. Time to get busy with the day to keep my mind occupied. First gym then bring my son for a job interview, his first one ever. He doesn't have a drivers license and the place is a half hour away at least so if he get's the job it will throw my schedule out of wack. But whatever God's will is.
Day 40 My streak came to an end. No porn but MO and it was completely my own will and no influences. In the past during ejaculation after abstaining from MO for weeks it did burn and it did burn this time too. Now i'm getting back on the no MO wagon again. Did i regret it yes was in enjoyable no not really. I think the reason I did MO on regular basis was because of the burning feeling after abstaining and doing it regularly help it from not burning.
I have read this journal of yours and really feel for you so much. I feel a sadness when I read you, I empathise. I think a lot of reasons I used to MO was to relax my body and to relax my mind. I found when I went through an injury I was taking lots of morphine to cope with walking; the morphine made my entire body (and mind) relax. Tension doesn't get stored in the body. The point is I could go for a few days very easily without MO back when I used to watch porn as well prior to any efforts to quit PMO. You have a very involved life. I see you as a good father who is trying his best. A good man trying his best. Abstain and try your best. You are doing so well already. You have already come so far. Be a best friend to yourself- I reckon you are MO just to relax your body and mind. I notice when I used to have really quality connection and sex with a partner that I was always 'bubbly and happy' afterwards. Beyond the orgasm, I think it was because there was an entire one hour of loosening up the body in the bed, connecting with someone obviously- but being ultra relaxed and comfortable. Keep going
After i started abstaining for longer and longer periods I started getting a burning sensation when O-ing. I never had that when pmo-ing. One relapse i even got blood in my semen and went to see a doc about it. He said it's something guys sometimes get and it usually just goes away- he was right. After about 2 years of rebooting (with a couple of relapses) i stopped getting the burning sensation. I guess my junk got used to the new situation. MO-ing is also a gamble because it can trigger a lot of addictive pathways.
Day 65 65 days without porn, the urge to watch comes less and less frequent. I did re-laps when it comes to MO'ing but the urge comes less and less frequent as well, i feel i get brainfog and get tired on the days i MO'ing and I have learned not to do it before hitting the gym cause then my workout will be bad.
Today is December 7th 2018. It has been a little over a month and a half since my last post. I'm happy to say that I haven't watched any porn since i started this journal. BUT the urge to do so is still there. But recovery is not a sprint but a marathon and it may take a very long time.
3 years later (as the episodes of spongebob would say), my situation has not improved much at all. I do admit I watch porn occasionally, but it doesn't attract me, i feel blah after looking and I never M while looking at it. Still it's no excuse. I MO maybe a few times a month but I hate doing it, i feel like s**t afterwards. I can't sustain an erection long enough to finish. My desires are through the roof but my body doesn't want to comply with what my brain wants. I had requested a referral to a urologist but now during this pandemic it's hard to get appointments to see what the issue is.
