Dudeonthebayou - Journal (again)

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by dudeonthebayou, Aug 19, 2018.

  1. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 9
    Today I have been feeling sick. Allergies acting up and I probably have to make me a dr appointment. No urge to MO or watch P at all today. My wife is still in the hospital but it's getting close to her getting released which is a good thing.
     
  2. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 10
    Welcome in a new double digit day. Going to dr this afternoon and probably get a shot. It's one of those days when it will rain all day long and since I'm still sick
    it won't be too bad cause I don't have the will to do anything else. Cutting down on carbs today cause I don't want to overdo it since I can't go to the gym.
    As the title on this board says the battle to control MO and P is all in your mind.
     
  3. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Just passing on what helped me 5 years ago when my wife was in the hospital, when she was ill, she had a ruptured brain aneurysm, a stroke and nearly died. She did recover fully miraculously. I had just started yoga teachers training, Himalayan tradition, and was beginning to meditate. Meditation helped a lot. It still does. I meditate daily. It helps to take the reins of my brain. It helped during those idle times of waiting, when I could have been worrying I was meditating.
     
    dudeonthebayou and Raskolnikov like this.
  4. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    @a short guy random question on meditation if you don't mind. Can it be done just before falling asleep at night. I find that I either go to bed at the point of collapse, or I go to bed too early and just sit there with racing thoughts that actually are hard to calm down, even as I sleep. If I were to meditate during that time instead, would that provide the same benefits as the person who carves out time in their day for it?
     
    dudeonthebayou likes this.
  5. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 11
    At least it was nothing serious, just a sinus infection. I wanted to make sure I didn't come down with strep throat or something. So I started with antibiotics yesterday and this morning my throat feels better but my nose is way stuffier and I can't sleep so I'm up earlier than normal just trying to breath.
    So my wife came home from the hospital yesterday which I am happy about. She still have ways to go. She still have plenty of fluid buildup left but it is getting better (I hope).
    At the moment I am too tired to even think about MO or P. I will probably spend the day resting so I can get some work done later this week.
     
  6. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Dat 14
    I didn't realize it had been 3 days since my last post. The urge to MO haven't been there at all this week. Same with watching P. These two do go hand in hand.
    I have been recovering from a cold this week and I am finally feeling good again, I am taking the last antibiotics tonight. My wife on the other hand is starting
    with a cold just now. It's a never ending cycle. I was thinking about going eat some Pho today but I think I will wait because it is suppose to rain all day today
    and I don't want to drive far on a wet road. Maybe I just hit the gym instead. It has been quite a few days since I went last.
     
  7. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 15
    It comes a point in your journey when you try to rationalize your problems and tell yourself that it really isn't so bad and that everybody is doing it.
    Well you are not everybody and you do have a problem and give in to temptation won't solve anything.
    So here I am. Day 15 of no P and no MO and I have bad urges today.
    One of the worst thing about P is that it doesn't offer anything but a quick fix. It's like putting a butterfly band aid on a gaping wound. It doesn't
    fix the underlaying problem. What drives you to MO and to watch P. The people on the screen can't offer you anything but will leave you feeling
    empty when the deed is done. Growing up it was the yearning for intimacy but now I think it was more escaping reality just for a few minutes.
    But it's not just yourself that you are hurting it's others as well. P in United States alone gross over 14 billion dollars annually. A industry
    that prey on women. Full of deceases and drugs.
    Like my tag line at the bottom says... "P is a jealous mistress that don't want to let you out of her grasp and keep you want to come back for more."
    If you encounter P.... turn the other way
     
    Raskolnikov likes this.
  8. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 16
    Happy labor day everyone. It has been a rainy day. We are getting a depression from the gulf this week they say. It doesn't worry me. We are used
    to that down here. The urge to MO went away yesterday and have been asleep today and so have the urge to watch P. I spent the day grocery shopping
    and getting my sups from GNC so I've been busy. Not much else to do when it's raining.
     
  9. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I rarely meditate at night, but when I do it doesn't keep me from sleeping, My wife does a very short meditation every night and it helps her to sleep. That's my personal experience, but every teacher has said it's not good to meditate right before sleep, that it's energizing and will keep you awake. Maybe do your own experiment and find out. ZZZZZ
     
    Joshua Shea likes this.
  10. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 17
    Looks like we lucked out with the tropical storm and it's heading to neighboring state. No real urges today. Lately it just feels the urge
    to urinate is more frequent. I experienced that when I did not MO for a long time last time too. Only thing with not MO is that when
    you do have intimacy or would start to MO again it hurts the first time. Not sure why it does that like it dries out or something idk.
    Anyway, on my third week and it is getting better.
     
  11. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 18
    Another day without MO and P. Not much to say today. Have to bring my wife to the doctor today for a follow up after being in the hospital for a week. Hope they will be able to refer her to a kidney doctor soon.
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2018
  12. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 19
    Started the day with hitting the gym and run errands to keep myself busy. No gym bunnies this morning so that was a good thing. Not that i really care about them anyway.
    No real urges today at all. I think things have calmed down a bit.
     
  13. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 21
    Slow Saturday. Got bad urge to MO this morning. If the wife would decide to touch me inappropriately which is a chance of 1 in a trillion I don't think i would last long at all.
    Which is a reason I don't approach or talk to her about it. Just letting her be.

    Anyway, i got stung by a dang wasp yesterday while cutting the grass, and it caused my arm to swell up. Good thing I am not allergic to wasps or i may have been in trouble.
    It's still plenty swollen and feels like it's full of fluid. I know it can take a few days for the swelling to go down.
     
  14. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Ouch! At least you're out in the yard doing stuff. For many of us it's a revelation to get out and do physical labor outside. I'd rather do that than go to the gym anyway.

    This is a good sign. Maybe you can start with some more casual contact and build intimacy that way? It will happen naturally anyway the longer you stay clean. Oxytocin is great replacement for dopamine.
     
    dudeonthebayou likes this.
  15. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Personally i think at this point i crave physical contact more than sex. The kind of feeling you get when you first meet someone, like you float on a cloud all day.
    I know that feeling is hard to come by especially if you have been in a relationship for a long time. But it's not impossible.
     
    Raskolnikov likes this.
  16. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 24
    I survived the weekend. No MO and no P. My arm is finally looking normal again. I bought me a workout bench so I can workout at home.
    Just need to get some free weights or bands. I did have some cravings yesterday to watch nudity but I fought it off. It get's worse the later it
    get at night i think. Especially if you endlessly go through the list of shows on say Netflix and start looking for mature stuff. Then it's time to stop.
    It's easy to fall off the wagon when your defenses are down.
     
    A New Man likes this.
  17. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 25
    Some urges today but not too bad. Today is my daughter's birthday, she is turning 16. She is quite the young lady.
    Of course I am very protective of her. She had asked a guy to homecoming but he turned her down after a week of
    leaving her hanging. I told her to not even worry about it. So she is going with her friends. Of course I will bring her
    and pick her up at the dance. In my eyes she is still too young to have a boyfriend. But that is what being a dad
    is all about.
     
  18. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 26
    I feel depression coming about. The urge to MO is there. But the result and reward of O is not
    worth it. As I wrote in a previous post. After O i feel depressed, cloudy mind and tired.
    That is a feeling I don't want. There is no reward in pleasing yourself. Only temporary pleasure.
    I was out at a client's location working on a computer issue and it really boggled my mind.
    Something I need to do more research about.
     
  19. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Ok, stop. You are now in what is called the pre-lapse. That is the stage where you're headed toward a relapse and the wheels are already turning. Don't give in to the urge. Change up your routine. Depression does not have to equal a trigger. If you relapse, you're going to say you saw it coming and look back to this time period. Fight it. You can do this.
     
    dudeonthebayou likes this.
  20. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 27
    Things have been eating away at me for awhile. What kind of person am I and what kind of person do I want to be for my family. How will I be perceived when I'm gone and how will I be remembers or should I say will I be remembered. I guess that's enough for anyone to be depressed about.
     

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