Dudeonthebayou - Journal (again)

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by dudeonthebayou, Aug 19, 2018.

  1. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Link to old Journal http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/dudeonthebayou-journal.22089/

    Day 1

    I haven't posted for close to 3 years now and it seems like I haven't made any progress at all.
    Maybe that is the whole problem. That I quit posting and thought I didn't need to be held
    accountable any longer. But that is not the case.

    So here goes. I'm turning 46 year this and I still look at porn occasionally. I really hate it.
    It makes me depressed but porn is a drug that makes you aroused but it never delivers
    and once it gets its claws around you it's hard to break free.

    When I was active in this forum I had made headway and I was breaking free but when
    life happened I relapsed and so here I am.
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard again. Looking foward to watching your journey.
    dudeonthebayou likes this.
  3. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Hey Brother welcome back,
    this is way better than every day or every other day so this is progress and must have some benefits to it, your just stumbling over that final hurdle coming back here will help with that.
  4. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    True, it's not often at all. If maybe a few times a month. Sometimes I actually forget about it. But something triggers me, just don't know what yet, and I feel the need to watch.
  5. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 2
    The more I think about not wanting to watch porn the more I feel that I do. It's definitely a internal battle.

    Up early this morning, the wife has a procedure this morning.

    A lot has happened since I stopped posting in 2015. I've moved twice and my wife being a severe diabetic
    had to have one of her legs removed under the knee and she currently fighting with severe fluid buildups.

    So my sex life going from a few times a year has flatlined completely and the relationship has gone from
    husband and wife to care taker and patient. I know it's horrible to say but that is how it feels. The thing is
    that I still love her and want her to get better but this whole thing is very frustrating and I end up saying
    things that I regret later.

    Only way to take the edge off is MO on a daily basis but I try not to. But it's easy to get irritable.

    I just want to be seen as a husband and be wanted. Not just as a care taker and provider.
  6. schmadam

    schmadam New Member

    Hi dude,
    Sorry to hear about the situation with your wife. But welcome back , it sounds like being here was helping you before and I look forward to hearing more.
  7. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 3

    I think the worst time for me is early in the morning when I get up and sit and drink my coffee. I know this morning I felt the urge to look while I was sitting and browsing my FB even though there were nothing on there that was triggering. So I just put my phone away and closed my eyes a few minutes. Another thing that I notice that I experience many times is that when I don't MO on a daily basis I get a increased pressure down in the groin area and it can get quite painful but I know that will go away after a few days.

    Since about a year and a half ago I have been hitting the gym a few times a week to try and better my health and I have been taking some test booster because my T levels were kind of low, my doctor wanted me to get shots but I wanted to try the supplement way first. I am going back next month for semi annual blood work.

    Yesterday didn't go quite as planned. My wife's procedure (spine injections) didn't go as planned. She started vomiting on the way to the hospital and they sent her home to reschedule with her pain doctor. But that's how life goes.
  8. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I was pmo-ing less and less when i discovered YBOP etc (about 3-4 times a month) but it was still too much- my ED was bad and getting worse. Doesn't take much to keep us down there.

    Nice one. Changing up seemingly harmless routines can have a powerful effect. Get that coffee and go drink it in bed or go out for a quick walk. Anything to break up the old habits. The small stuff can have a big cumulative effect.

    Sorry to hear that dude. I hope she's feeling a lot better soon.
    Tomato76 likes this.
  9. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Big problem for me this. Trying to develop a change of mindset to alter my am behaviour when at home alone
  10. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    I agree with you completely. You have to do it a day at a time.
  11. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    So battling with severe fluid retention my wife was finally admitted into the hospital to get rid of the fluid. She will be there a few days at least.
    She really needed to go cause she can barely move around as it was.
  12. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 4
    Up early again. Withdrawal symptoms already after only 4 days of no MO. Have to get out and work today so at least I will be busy.
    I had allowed myself the last few months to see workout pictures on my FB but I can't do that no more cause I feel that it may
    trigger the urge to watch porn so I just keep blocking them out as I see them. This will be a long journey.
  13. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 5
    Good day today, pressure in groin area is slowly going away and the urge to watch porn was not there today. Went visit my wife in the hospital where she is to get fluid taken out of her. She was also diagnosed with kidney decease which is what causing her to retain fluid. So now more doctors has get involved. It's depressing. I don't think I will ever get the woman I married back. But I guess life goes on. I seriously think this whole ordeal has caused me to develop depression which in turn feed my porn addition. I have decided a long time ago that if she happens to pass away I will never get involved with another woman. It is too painful to get rejected by yet another person.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Not to be glib, but we never get that back, anyway. After I fucked up my marriage by cheating a couple of times I didn't see how it would ever be any good. Well, I was wrong. After ditching P and forming a good relationship with myself, I've got a pretty good marriage. Wife and I are good friends and have sex regularly. The power of embracing our real manhood can not be overstated.

    I'm sorry to hear about the ordeal your wife is going through. The greatest gift you can give yourself, and her, is to reclaim your manhood, something that happens easily without PMO in one's life.
  15. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Sure. I agree with that.
  16. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 6
    Up early again. No real desire to watch porn or MO at all. That is a good thing. I'm getting back on my diet, I was able to meet it yesterday so I was happy about that. But every day is a challenge.
    A New Man likes this.
  17. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 7
    A slow Saturday. The urge to MO was there but I try to ignore it.
    Spent some time at the gym and put a new PR on deadlift. I guess I have to direct frustration somewhere. Also went visit the wife at the hospital. Her fluid is going down. She said they got about 8 liters of fluid out of her so far and there is still a lot left. She will more than likely be there a few more days.
  18. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    My wife went through something similar....it's quite the process.
    Do you find the urge to MO much stronger than the urge to look at P? How intertwined are the two?
    dudeonthebayou likes this.
  19. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    At the present time the urge to MO is much greater than to look at P. But that also comes and goes.
    But I know the rush that it brings is only momentary and really not that satisfying.
  20. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Day 8
    I'm annoyed today. I don't feel the hospital is doing enough to help my wife even though they removed a lot of fluid. So they are possibly sending her home tomorrow.
    Even just putting my hands on my lap while idle makes me think of MO. I know it's just a phase that I need to get over. It has only been 8 days.

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