I'm currently seeing a therapist for phases of depression. It's something I've had as a kid and never paid attention to until recently. So I had this for over 25 years, can you imagine? What you write sounds similar. PMO is a great way to temporarily deal with depression, but it also makes you lethargic. I've wasted many years that could have been productive because I tired myself out with PMO. Last winter I had a depression that lasted months. No flatline, I had regular relapses and couldn't get to 7 days. It was usually a few days then a few days of relapses. And yes, I also thought that miserable version of myself was the 'real me'. So overall I'd say you vision is very clouded right now. Maybe it's the PMO mind trying to trick you into relapsing, to get your 'better life' back. Maybe your current life situation is the cause of your feelings. You're in a relationship that you're really not happy about, but keep for comfort. That fact alone will already cause a lot of stress subconsciously (and probably consciously). Maybe this is a time of assessment. See where you are, try to outline what you want to do. In my case I chose to go to a therapist in the winter and half a year later here I am, which a much changed prospect. Things keep changing in life. Change is the very essence of life. Remind yourself that nothing is set in stone.