Drop the kid, start living

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Fiddler, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Hi quitpornfoo,

    yes, I do remember you. Glad to hear that you are more advanced into the rewiring and reaping benefits. That gives me some hope, at the very least.

    I did try anti-depressants. All failed. I think my gf keeps a list of all I tried somewhere (7-8 I recall) for me. I've tried them under the advice of two different therapists but all these antidepressants kill my libido, kill all my motivation and basically make me feel like a dumb automa. No good. Even after one month, no progresses. I'd rather keep the depression + some motivation that occasional PMOing gave me back at the time. At least I could do stuff, even in the limited time that the worse moments of depression allowed me to.

    I do cuddle with my girlfriend and we did some light sex, occasionally. It is fine, but I'm not a huge fan of it. I feel like I should be rewired by now, and my ED has long since disappeared. Yet the depression only worsened compared to when I was "less rewired", and I'm baffled to why. If I had rewired for a few months only, I could understand that to counterweight the damage done in years I'd need more time. But it's been 4 years now, and I've never been as hopeless and depressed as in the last weeks. Something is off.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  2. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Got a job interview next week. So far I've been doing only freelancing and earned peanuts so this can open up quite a few possibilities, carreer-wise. If I felt better I would rejoice at this but right now I can only feel boredom and anxiety.

    Truth is, I'm constantly bored, of everything. Last year I enjoyed reading books, managed to read 76 books and felt great. This year I cannot be bothered to read anything. Same with tv series, movies and videogames. I barely play anymore, I must have watched 3 movies in 3 months and 0 tv series. Just not in the mood, ever. If I force to watch any entertainment or playing, I feel ok throughout it and go back to my usual bored immediately after the end.

    I had a good discussion yesterday with my girlfriend and she is starting to feel the same. She is still driven to play videogames and watch Youtube, while I can't anymore. We have a mild sexual interest towards each other but I am starting to feel like it is more to make the other feel good for a few minutes rather than because we really want to have sex. It is not a chore as we have been always open to the idea of not fucking for long periods of time if either of us didn't feel like. But it is getting boring now, and we don't know why.

    Perhaps the restrictions (we are back in lockdown since today) are affecting us more than we would like to admit. Perhaps. Or perhaps the lack of possibilities in life is killing us. We just don't feel like we have enough money to have a family or buy a house or travel the world. Neither seem feasible.

    It is all just quite sad and boring. I look forward only to the moment I am going to bed tonight, as every day since a couple of months. Nothing else excites me throughout the day.
     
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  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your open and honest share. It was very well-written, too.

    I am not sure what it causing your malaise except that you used to be severely depressed and that you're coming out of a years-long addiction. That and you didn't have the best upbringing. Maybe you should look into healing from depression, because that's where I think some of your lack of enjoyment of life is coming from. The other part is addiction and I think you're like me, you're no longer acting out but you haven't rewired to the normal joys of life yet. As for being too poor to start a family, I feel you, but you're very intelligent with computers, you know how to admin and to program, are you capable of getting a full time job in that field? And maybe give the girlfriend flowers and chocolate even if you're not feeling the romance, if only for all of us who don't have girlfriends.
     
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