Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Fiddler, Sep 1, 2012.
You might want to get your blood tested for vitamin and mineral deficiencies.
I'm going to take a test for thyroid problems. Perhaps it was this all along. I took a blood test a couple of months ago and results were in the norm, no specific dietary deficiencies. I do have anxiety.
What is funny is that before, when I was addicted to PMO, having sex would make me feel extremely good afterwards. It was like a super-fix of dopamine. Which makes sense. Now I haven't watched porn nor masturbated since the moment you see in the counter and am having regular sex with my girlfriend. Yet I am feeling worse and worse after every sexual act. At first it was like always, I felt good; now it is starting to become nice still during the act but then I feel grumpy, sleepy and without motivation. It's dragging me down.
Perhaps my problem was just orgasming. Not porn. Perhaps I should stop having any intercourse or masturbate forever, like a monk. But I don't really like to live a life this way. I wouldn't consider it a worthy life.
Since when do you have a girlfriend? Tell us about her
Maybe you are not rebooted yet; in other accounts I read you need up to 2 years with only 1 orgasm per mont. Even if you achieve that it could still be that you have dopamine deficiancy and would need supplements or medicine like Wellbutrin for instance. Don't know what you're taking right now but maybe it's the wrong drug.
Regarding orgasms it could be that your O frequency is simply to high for the time being. You don't have to live like a monk, but you could try not to O every time you have sex..
You seem to be a man of extremes Fiddler. Black or white. Have all the sex you want or live like a monk. But in life there are wonderful shades of grey.
The girlfriend is the same girl of last February, the virgin one. She isn't a virgin anymore as you can guess.
I took a few pills that my girlfriend is taking too. She is also depressed but improving. I had no effect with most of the pills but for some tranquilizer that made me feel sleepy for like 36 hours :/ I am planning to visit a psychiatrist to get some prescription but honestly I haven't got any spare moments these days and am postponing the visit since weeks. My fault, I know.
I am trying to not O extremely often. Last 2 weeks we kept an average of 3 times. Whether the frequency is too high or not, a sane man shouldn't feel that bad after sex, it's not supposed to happen. There is something still wrong in me but I can't know why. I glimpsed at P the other day after months and it didn't gave me any erection nor sparked any interest. At all. I'm bored by it now.
What is worrying me the most right now is that my girlfriend is very depressed. Like I was in the worst days. Not like me now, that I'm mostly suicidal but calm. She is crying a lot and feels desperate, not finding the strength to do anything but laying in bed all day. I must work most of the day so I can't stay with her, and it is dragging me down emotionally. I wish I could give her the help that I hadn't had when I was a kid but I am unable to be present when she needs me. I fear she may resent this.
It's all so sad these days...
Just eating a few pills from your gf won't do Fiddler. These kind of meds kick in after weeks or months and it is not uncommon to feel worse for a few days. In any case you should go to a professional and seek his/her advice on prescription meds and take them only under supervision. Maybe it is really time for you to do things properly. Not having time is the lamest excuse ever. What is more important than your health? Call in sick or quit your job if you have to. Go back to Italy if you don't like it in Poland.
Also I highly doubt if a highly depressivd gf who you don't love is the right companion for you.
Fiddler you have the power to shape your life to a certain degree and if what you're currently doing is not working for you it's time to try something new. And maybe it's time to do what it takes to succeed.
I saw my neighbour the other day for the first time in a while. He was loading boxes and belongings into a van at the bottom of the building. I asked if he was moving out and he said no, that it was his ex-girlfriend's stuff.
They used to have huge screaming arguments, to the extent that other neighbours and myself had called the police. She would be screaming like a demon and I could hear him pleading "I'm just trying to help". There would be thuds and bumps as if someone was being hit or knocked around. The poor guy always looked like he was walking on eggshells, like his nerves were on edge.
Anyway, as he was loading the van with her stuff he looked about 10 years younger and 500% healthier.
I get what you're saying guys. I don't have the guts to do what it is right for me. I'm struggling to go on. And in case you're wondering, yes, I've already planned to dump my girlfriend some time in the future. She is not for me, that is absolutely clear. I'm, in all honesty, using her for sex and saving money on rent and bills. I did try to love her but I can't love anybody these days.
It is just that I can't dump her now. It's way too soon. I got to have some return of my investment, so to say, which sounds awful and cruel, I know. Perhaps life made me a cruel man. I don't care about the others, not even my girlfriend, enough to not hurt them, even if I'm aware I'm hurting them. Perhaps I'm an evil person that is deserving of what is experiencing. Perhaps it is just this.
Yep, definitely this - a couple of pills here and there will achieve nothing. You need to be put on a proper course, which, if it's anything like mine, will probably make you feel worse at first and need 4-6 weeks to improve and stabilise.
Well, without judging, just be aware that whatever habits you exhibit, are the traits you develop.
While you may see using your gf as a return on investment, you're actually putting your life on hold since she is a dead end to you. Every day you spend on using her could be used to move towards the place you actually want to be.
Can you define a clear end point when you want to dump her? Is it after a specific time?
I think it's easier for you to believe this than it is to take any kind of action. That's the voice of fear.
im sorry that things are not going so well for you man
im pleased that you are considering getting professional help, but just taking meds isn't the whole answer in my opinion, even if you take them properly
I had given up posting in this thread as i felt like every suggestion i made was met with some defensiveness, but it seems like you are starting to take on board peoples point of view on here, which is great. I think there are a lot of decent people on this board and all this feedback will surely give you a good and mixed perspective on stuff
good luck dude
Thanks for the support guys, it's appreciated much more than I put into words, trust me
To answer Thebeg question, I'll dump my gf once I feel I am sociable and capable of approaching better girls. This won't be before the next autumn, as it wouldn't make sense to move in with her and leave after 1-2 months only. It wouldn't be a good investment that soon, so to say. Practically, around September-October I'll start thinking about my situation and if I'm able to get a better girlfriend in a few weeks. If yes, I'll dump her. If not, the decision will be postponed to the beginning of the new year
LOL why do you constantly move in with girls you don't love and want to break up with? There's a subconscious pattern working against you here man
What is your gf currently assuming, that everything is going well in your relationship?
What is your plan on this? You need to build up confidence and social skills, which takes time, work and effort. Are you going to schedule time to practice this, to become more sociable to better girls? How are you going to tell your gf about this? Do you have a clear endpoint in mind when you're ready to leave your gf? (e.g. approach a certain number of better girls in a week?)
I've seen this happen often enough. Two people in a relationship discovering that they don't fit once they move in with eachother. It only makes sense to take the hit asap.
You handle the whole situation by ratio, speaking in terms of investment. But what do your feelings say? It feels like you've disconnected yourself from your emotions and your empathy (since you don't care that you're hurting your gf this way).
If your reason for moving in with your gf is because you want comfort, wouldn't that mean you're building a sort of prison for yourself, a comfort-prison? I've seen this happen and made the person complacent with a situation that is doing more harm than good.
Clearly there's a pattern in me, sure. As I don't feel I have the social skills to attract the girls I really like, the first girl that is available for sex becomes my girlfriend, thus gaining unlimited access to cuddles and sex for a prolonged amount of time. Moving in with them is only a way to be more comfortable (a comfort-prison, yeah).
I don't have a clear plan on when I'll dump her. Just that I'll do it when I'll feel that I can live without her for a long time and crave again the company of other people, which I don't at the moment. Social skills will come through repeated interaction with people and I'm good looking enough to attract good looking girls, if I have enough balls to approach them.
As you can imagine though, my girl is sensing something and is becoming more protective of me. It's nice to feel so desired but it can become a nightmare in the future. I spoke to her a little bit about this last evening, and it seems to have understood.
I want the "PMO me" back. I was better then. I used to do so much more that's embarassing how little I'm doing these days
I used to read 5-6 books per year. Nowadays I haven't finished a book in 2 years.
I didn't go out when I was into PMO. Now I haven't been going out with friends since February
I used to code nearly daily up until 2 years ago. Now I haven't coded anything in many months
And it's not about lacking time because now I have an office work. Do you want to know how I spent this weekend?
Friday night I bought groceries, cooked something and watched stupid tv channels till going to bed
Saturday I felt miserable all morning, tooks some sun in the early afternoon (on the balcony), then went shopping for 3 hours so to have an excuse to not go for a beer with a friend, then watched football in the evening
Sunday I looked for some flights for the summer holidays, failing to book anything, then went for an ice cream out with my girlfriend, then came back, felt sleepy, and slept 2 more hours plus the 8 I already had during the night. Now I'm looking for other flight offers and writing this post. Later I'll cook and go to bed
Did I do anything that would improve my situation? A side project, studying, socializing? No. Not even going to the gym, which I regularly did until the beginning of this year. And I can assure you that it's not just this weekend but all of them since this year. I am not doing anything anymore in life and have never felt so much suicidal and depressed.
It could be a phase until the dopamine levels finally stabylize but it's lasting months. Anybody has had this bad for months, despite not being in a flatline nor craving any porn? I'm starting to think that this is the real me, without PMO, and I'm hating it
You may be dopamine deficient by nature (your genes) Fiddler. This would explain why you felt better when using porn, because porn acts as a stimulant jacking up dopamine levels. Imo you should seek medical advice. Maybe a medication could improve your quality of life.
I'm currently seeing a therapist for phases of depression. It's something I've had as a kid and never paid attention to until recently. So I had this for over 25 years, can you imagine? What you write sounds similar. PMO is a great way to temporarily deal with depression, but it also makes you lethargic. I've wasted many years that could have been productive because I tired myself out with PMO.
Last winter I had a depression that lasted months. No flatline, I had regular relapses and couldn't get to 7 days. It was usually a few days then a few days of relapses.
And yes, I also thought that miserable version of myself was the 'real me'.
So overall I'd say you vision is very clouded right now. Maybe it's the PMO mind trying to trick you into relapsing, to get your 'better life' back. Maybe your current life situation is the cause of your feelings. You're in a relationship that you're really not happy about, but keep for comfort. That fact alone will already cause a lot of stress subconsciously (and probably consciously).
Maybe this is a time of assessment. See where you are, try to outline what you want to do. In my case I chose to go to a therapist in the winter and half a year later here I am, which a much changed prospect. Things keep changing in life. Change is the very essence of life. Remind yourself that nothing is set in stone.
Thanks Thebeg, great food for thought and sound advice.
I'm slightly more positive these last 2 weeks. The relationship doesn't sound that bad, I'm starting to feel real love for my girl but at the same time I'm losing libido. Who knows why, perhaps the 2 things are connected or perhaps not.
Either way, I'm going on a long vacation soon. Beach and sun. I am in need of that and will surely take this time to reflect, all on my own, about the last period of my life and what I want to do in the next weeks.
I think they are. If you manage to stay away from PMO your hormone system will adjust and as a result you will feel more positive emotions towards people, and you gf in particular. She may not be that bad after all Losing libido can be part of the unwiring/rewiring process. So you're unwiring from the PMO but at the same time you're not fully rewired to real sex yet. And this process can take a long time, depending on the streak, etc.
With my current gf I kept seeing improvements in libido and erection quality all the time. Last week I relapsed twice, so I'm kind of curious to see if that set me back again the next time we have sex.
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