Drop the kid, start living

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Fiddler, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    My story

    Hi everybody.

    I'm a 31 years old kid (don't deserve to be called man, yet), born and living in italy. My father is a shy and reserved person while my mother is pretty extrovert and actually suffer if she can't talk with somebody for a few hours. Why am I mentioning this? Because I've been conditioned, by my parents and relatives, in believing that I'm more similar to my father while I am slowly realizing that I am more probably like my mother.

    Whatever I am, I started being interested in girls from a very young age. 6-7 years old maybe. I became infatuated already at that age. I was also pretty sexual when a little child still; I vividly remember the day when my father scolded me for repeatedly touching my penis in public. Just putting a hand on my crotch, nothing more than that, but now thinking back of it it was pretty unusual for a 8 years old boy. Whatever might have been the reason for this, I didn't start masturbating until I was 12, during the summer. At the end of that, I found myself madly in love with the sister of one of my friends (despite being a very shy boy I managed to keep 3 close friends and from time to time chat with other boys at school). I had no idea how to tell her but she apparently had: she sent his brother to tell me that she was in love with me too. It could have been the start of a normal relationship but we were both so awkward at that that we basically knew to like to the other but we didn't anything to show that. We kept our friendship. I only tried to become more close to her, physically. I used any excuse to grab her arm/hand, to hug her or to even tickle her. I didn't go beyond this, ever. She probably either got bored waiting from a bolder move on my part or got scared by those weird "advanches". Thing is, she became more cold towards me.

    I am telling this episode because it was the beginning of all my problems. I dropped out of school. I had had always issues in going to school, I find it boring and repetitive. My grades had always been great. I was the 2-3 best pupil in class, without even much effort on my part (I used to study at most 1 hour per day and it was enough to retain all concepts). This notwithstanding the many days that I didn't want to go to school and remained at home, for my parents' dismay. Still, as long as I got promoted each year they were ok. But after that summer of 19 years ago, I couldn't bear staying in a class anymore. I didn't go to school for a week, then a nearly a month and in less than 6 months I was practically staying alone at home all day.
    I had never been allowed to go out alone by my parents, thus I had to wait for my friends to come to my door. Which they did, for some time. But the fact that I didn't participate in their outdoor games anymore, didn't go to any school and didn't want to go outside at all unless my parents forced me (which they rarely did), was probably seen as weird by my friends and/or their parents. Result? I spent the next 2 years at home, with my friends more and more rarely paying a visit to me, without ever seeing again my friend's sister and resorting in giving the final exams as a private pupil (which took a great deal of courage to do but I managed to).

    After those final exams, at 14 years of age, I was basically free of doing whatever I wanted. In italy it's ok to drop out of school at that early age so I wasn't forced to continue my studies. I had lost contact with all my friends. I had become, from a shy boy that was quiet and reserved, a scared of everything young guy, that couldn't bear even getting out of his door on the house patio for the fear that the neighbours could see him (crazy, I know). Of course my parents sent me to various therapists that were ready to diagnose me with social anxiety. I took pills. I changed therapists when I felt I was getting nowhere with one. I tried to do the tasks they assigned me but they all where meant to get me outside and I was simply too scared to do that. I became a total recluse. I did went out, occasionally. For buying stuff at a supermarket, clothes at a store; but nothing else. No cinema, no sports, no simply walking around. Nothing. I also never went out without one or, better, two of my parents. Never once.

    Strangely though, I did go on vacation during the summer as we were used to do in the family every years since I was born. I didn't socialize during these vacations but I loved going somewhere else even if only once a year.

    But I was content, albeit not happy. I only had a strong desire to be left alone and not be disturbed, which my relatives quickly understood. Of course I became over time depressed due to the extreme loneliness. I had started to masturbate, occasionally, but without any images. I was probably 14 when I discovered that masturbating with a magazine (no Playboy or softcore, simply a tv guide magazine, a fashion catalogue and very tame things like these) was better and I started doing it more often (once every two days, perhaps). No porn whatsoever until I discovered an hardcore movie on a local tv, at very late night when I was 15 or 16. That was the only time and I quickly returned to magazines for my masturbation sessions.

    Until I bought a pc with an internet connection at 20 and started transposing what I was used to do, masturbate over celebrities and fashion models on magazines and tv, on the web, joining forums on the topic and collecting digital images. I was aware of the softcore and hardcore porn but didn't like the latter much and didn't use the former often, only as a way to reinforce a good wank with celebrities/models. The use of softcore images increased though, slowly, for 4-5 years. Still very little hardcore (let's say once a week).

    So fast forward to 24: celebrities, models, some softcore, the rare hardcore video, masturbation nearly every day, no sexual fantasies but romantic ones (linked to my favourite celebrities). Still lonely and at home, studying a bunch of stuff on my own and going on a vacation, with my parents, every summer. I have now renounced finding a good therapist and am resorting on self-help books and meditation.
    Around that period hardcore porn became more present. Fantasies became more sexual too. I was still a virgin so I couldn't say how my erections were but I had no issues in getting it up with porn and even without was pretty easy. Started wandering in various fetishes (which I won't mention as they may be a trigger but nothing too strange yet).
    This life kept going for 3 years. Thanks to my efforts on myself, I got the courage to stop being a virgin and went to a prostitute while in Germany on a summer vacation. My parents knew that I did it and, while not happy, understood my needs. I had an enormous amount of anxiety at approaching my first prostitute but sexually I did fine, no ED.

    After that first encounter, I planned all my subsequent summer vacation according to where it was easier and cheaper to meet prostitutes. Germany, multiple times, Dominican Republic, Brazil, Spain. Still with my parents at first but already the second time in Germany I choose to go alone, going from being a recluse for nearly 15 years to travelling alone for 4 days. Quite an accomplishment. I don't think I could have done it if wasn't for the objective of getting laid. Sexually it was great, 3-4 prostitutes per day for 4 days, no ED until the very last day (I thought I was tired).

    Next year, 2009, in Dominican Republic I had to take a pill of Cialis to get it up. I had kept watching porn and masturbating, unaware that it was lowering my libido. I linked the lack of erection with too much porn though and told myself that I had to scale down its use. I wish I had followed my own advice!

    The following years, ED became worse. 1 or 2 sessions with prostitutes with a good erection and then I had to take Cialis to continue. In 2010 I realized that I had to stop watching porn if I wanted my erections back, I was even starting to have issues while masturbating. I managed to reduce the hardcore porn but celebrities and models were impossible to completely remove. I didn't even try, I had become a mod of a celebrity forum and wasn't going to drop that role. I thought it impossible.
    That year I went to Dominican Republic again but without the intent to visit prostitutes. There was no internet connection at the hotel so I had to abstain. Socializing was still extremely hard but I felt slightly more relaxed. I actually enjoyed staying among people a bit for the first time in years. Thing is, bad habits are hard to change so soon and I payed 3 times for a mobile internet connection so I could masturbate with porn. I couldn't stay away from prostitutes too and went with them 3 times, the first without Cialis and the others with. No ED this time. Even 1 week without porn did wonder, I suppose.

    Back at home I binge with porn and masturbation for two weeks; this taught me a lesson because then I manage to stay away from PMO for 2 weeks and then, after a relapse, for 20 days. But I couldn't drop the celebrities/model part. In 2011 it's the same, I can abstain from PMO for a few days before relapsing but can't stop watching celebrities and models' images. During the summer vacation of last year I don't pay any visit to prostitutes and don't watch any porn or celebrities for 11 days. Longest stretch for me ever. Last day, after frustrating experiences in trying to socialize, I give in to the prostitutes call again. No ED and no Cialis. Depressed by my social failures, I give in to PMO again, for 1 month.

    This year then I managed finally to drop completely any visual stimulation, no hardcore, no softcore and no celebrities/models for nearly 2 weeks thanks to the fact that my father became ill and me and my mother accompanied him in Milan to be cured. I did go to prostitutes though, twice, and the last has been such a bad experience that I vowed to myself to never pay for sex again. It made me feel very depressed though and I masturbated with PMO twice after it, while waiting for my father to get well. Now I'm back home and back at PMOing, one day I do and another I can abstain. Yet I'm more and more convinced that removing PMO for a pretty long time will immensely help me. While in Milan I felt the best I ever felt in my life, I started not caring what other people could think of me, chatted with other people at the hospital (briefly), accompanied my mother through all the city, felt pretty positive about my future for the first time in ages. I had my bad moments too, as my mother can testify (unfortunately for her).

    So what now? After more than 2 years struggling to give up PMO, after countless relapses, I feel ready to give up it once and for good. Objective: getting to Christmas porn-free. Intermediate steps will be at the end of every month. It's time to finally become a man and not being a kid forever.

    P.S.= sorry for my english. Feel free to correct me whenever you find it appropriate.
  2. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Current status

    Day 1, no strong urges, daily morning woods (that's been the case since a few months already), libido at 5/10, less depressed than in the past (when I felt basically suicidal every day)
  3. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Urges are back. Strongly. Trigger was the pretty neighbour that went on the balcony in front of mine basically wearing just a bikini. On one hand I am glad that I'm being attracted by real women so strongly when before only P could do it; on the other hand, if this leads to PMO then it's not really an improvement...
  4. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Ok, relapse. Back at day 0. There was no O, just PM but unfortunately lots of both. I think my issue right now is more M than P, I can't stop touching myself after 2-3 days being clean and this invariably leads to needing more stimulation and then P. It's like I don't want to miss out a great feeling that is free and available at all times, as masturbation is. Staying at home doesn't help, clearly. Also as a developer I have to stay at the pc most of the day and the temptation is too strong when sister is away and I'm alone (parents are usually downstairs and rarely go up where I sleep and study).

    So I should work on accepting that I have to renounce M for a few weeks and ignoring the feeling of being free to do what I want when my sister is away (luckily, not that often). I am convinced that when I'll accept that I can live without M and to divert my thoughts to study when I'm completely alone, I will finally be back on track. Because currently it doesn't feel like I am, 1-2 days and then a relapse aren't much of an accomplishment.
  5. nofaptillbrooklyn

    nofaptillbrooklyn New Member

    Hey Fiddler!

    Thanks for sharing your story. You have my support. By the way, your written English is a lot better than many native speakers'. Congratulations!
  6. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Thanks "No Fap". I think this is the time I'll succeed, finally after 2 years of struggle. I am feeling ready.

    Now, if my parents would stop watching a tv show with 6 semi-naked girls dancing every evening during dinner I could have less fantasies... ::)
    But hey, it could be a test; if I really want to reboot I should be able to resist that visual assault every evening. A kid wouldn't, a man would. And I am aiming to become a man. :)
  7. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Re: Drop the kid, start living [Day 1]

    Day 1 went smoothly. Some urges in the morning when my sister went out (again!). I managed to stop myself telling me that I wasn't going to fuck it up yet again. Rest of the morning/afternoon I was busy looking for new components for my dying pc so I didn't even think about P at all.
    Had one hell of a headache and had to take a nap to let it subside. Overall feeling pretty ok. I'm fearing the next days when my brain will surely try to lure me into relapsing.

    As during the evening I am not online, usually, I can say 1 down, many more to go :)
  8. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Damn, relapsed again at day 3 (which is now day 0 then). The problem is always that when my sister is out I'm alone and free to do what I want and of course PMO is the first thing that comes to mind. It's not exactly the need to masturbate per se, it's like a moment all for me, where I can indulge in what I like the most, and unfortunately it's porn.

    This feeling of freedom comes from the many years I spent, and still do, locked inside my house, always in the company of my family. Their presence, notwithstanding their love for me, has become a burden and a nuisance, something that I resent more than love back. Could have this been due to porn too? I don't know. Thing is, whenever somebody of my family goes out, I feel a little more free to do as I want and not as I should, like a little child left alone at home for the first time. When it's my sister that's away, the one that lives in the same room as me, the feeling it's the strongest and the urge to masturbate with porn is the most powerful.
    Clearly this is another problem I have to address before I can reboot but I don't really know how, I need to feel free after all these years at home and I don't really think I can bring my mind into thinking that I am not free to do as I want in those moments. It's hard :-\

    Also, another thing I noticed: most of the times I masturbate I don't do it for the pleasure or to ejaculate. Indeed, I already aim at not orgasming at all right from the beginning. What drives me to masturbation is now, more than porn, the feeling of power, the feeling of being sexually strong and capable. Having a good erection is more important for me than orgasming or watching porn. I use porn to have that great erection, because unfortunately I have come to the point where without it I can't have a proper erection. But the objective is feeling the erection, not the pleasure (which is great too but not worth the pain that will inevitably follow).
    Anybody else masturbate(d) for this reason?
  9. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Yeah but the problem with that is that I live in a really shitty area, on the outskirts of a big city, and there are no internet cafes where I can work with my laptop at. Zero. Wifi isn't something that is considered needed around here. Not being able to drive means also that I can't go where I want, when I want and there's no direct connection between here and city centre by train/bus. I'm pretty much isolated.

    Plus, I have to deal with depression and social anxiety and spending all the day outside would be too stressful for my mind. I'd end up returning in the afternoon, more stressed than when I left, and the urge to watch porn would be increased by the stress.

    I have to beat this addiction here, now, where I am. Moving somewhere else, even temporarily, isn't going to work, I've already seen this right this summer when I spent nearly 1 month in Milan but now that I'm back at home I can't stop relapsing every few days. More time away could be helpful, like 2-3 months, but I am a programmer, how can I work without internet connection for so long? And trust me, knowing that it's an internet cafè or an hotel wifi doesn't stop me from watching porn (been there, done that...).
  10. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Day 2. Foggy brain at the moment. Resisted the urge to escalate from the news on an online newspaper about a sextape of a spanish PM. Those newspapers here are triggers-ridden, there's always a huge sidebar with gossip/celebrity news/hot videos with plenty of images that calls to my brain "look at me!". Yes, I'm not talking about third-level newspapers, even the 2 biggest selling ones here in italy have it. Luckily I already get most of my news via RSS feeds.

    Anyway, a friend of my sister is coming today. There will be then more people around in the house so the risk of relapsing is lower. I'll have to be on guard though.
  11. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Day 4

    Can't believe I've surpassed day 3! It may seem little but I hadn't been able to reach the fourth day for the last 2 weeks so I'm pretty happy about it.
    Currently the mood is low though. Not depressed but lacking motivation to do nearly anything. Listened to some good music this morning to get through the bad moment, which partly worked. Can't focus on anything for more than 20 seconds so studying is practically unfruitful. I'm ok with that as long as it doesn't last for whole weeks. I have come to terms with my perfectionism and am accepting that there will be totally wasted days during the reboot but I won't have to take them as really wasted but as necessary steps to overcome this addiction. Any clean day counts.

    I'm also planning to make a list of all the little things that I can do at home when the urges will return in full force. Like cleaning the bookshelves or tidying up the garden. Nothing fancy. Simple stuff that can pull me away from the pc when I can't stop thinking about porn.
  12. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    I've been through a couple of awful days. Depression, crying, feeling suicidal (actually, even planning the suicide). I just saw (and partly still see) no hope for me whatsoever. I'm unemployed, never got a diploma, without friends and a girlfriend, with zero social contact. And it has been like this for nearly 20 years. It's not possible to overcome my problems with just a reboot and, what is worse now, it's not possible to reboot with these problems still going strong.

    Yes, of course I relapsed. For the millionth time. It's a never ending cycle because depression, social anxiety and what not, feeds on PMO and PMO starts when my problems become too big to handle. It's the only thing that can give me a respite. Without friends nor support, I have nowhere to go in search of help. Parents/relatives are useless. Yesterday I cried for 2 hours in the middle of the house, in plain sight and my mother only asked if the pc was fine (I am having issues with it) and if the stomach still gave me troubles (I probably suffered a mild indigestion on Sunday). That was it. For 2 hours. Not a word from my father nor my sister.

    Can you imagine how it feels to cry for 2 hours and not even your parents care? I hope you can't because it's terrible.

    So given this situation, what are the chances I can reboot? They are close to zero. But I need to reboot to feel better, I now can't even imagine myself going out and being around people while when I was in Milan last month, after 2 weeks of no PMO, I actually craved being outside. It does help. And I so need that help, it's the only I can hope to receive. Yet I'm not financially strong enough to go living somewhere else, away from the pc and my relatives. I have to beat this thing right here, regardless of the pressure, the depression, the neglecting parents, the triggers on tv, the loneliness, the total lack of a friend voice that from time to time can pat me on the shoulder and comfort me that it'll get better. Just some kind words that have never been said from my parents in 31 years.

    But I don't believe I can reboot any more. After 2 years where I managed at most a few days without PMO. Where is the progress? Ok, I can be fairly sure that keeping fighting will, eventually, lead me to success. But I can't afford succeeding "eventually". I need it now. I should go to school and get that damn diploma but in this status I can't even study. "Eventually" it's too late for me. Another couple of weeks and I won't be even allowed to sign up for the school, thus wasting yet another year.

    Sorry for being an extremely sad update. I needed to tell somebody. Even if it probably won't help much. Ok, day 1 again...
  13. makebelieve

    makebelieve Member

    Hey fiddler,

    I have been just quickly reading your journal. I can see that you are relapsing a lot, and I recognize that state of mind.

    I have experienced that I can only get through the 1st days and weeks by making sure there is no access to porn. Ask yourself the question: how can I boot porn further away.

    The you already have a filter? Did you already change the places where you look at porn? I can assure you that these things are essential to me, so I hope they will help you to.

    Good luck, keep on looking forward, people moving! You are on the right path.
  14. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Hi makebelieve,

    I have some filters. Multiple ones. At a time I used to modify the hosts file, add a few firewall rules, blocking porn sites via opendns and a Firefox addon. Problem is, I am a developer and sysadmin, I know how to circumvent any filter. The usefulness of them is thus only in delaying the time I access porn when the urge arises. Once it worked better, I usually was able to reaffirm some control on my brain in those few seconds needed to disable the filters. Now it doesn't work anymore. I may need even 5 minutes to disable all the filters but it's not enough to make me stop and think about what I'm close to do.

    Plus, I've taken the bad habit to look for porn when I do my workout, on the smartphone. I bring it with me to listen to music while I exercise but I am noticing I'm using it sometimes to quickly access to porn. I have installed a filter there too, which I circumvent all the time of course. I could stop listening to music while exercising, that's ok, but the porn on the pc issue remains (and it's much bigger than the smartphone's).
  15. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Yes, that's something I've often thought about. It sounds like a great idea. There are some problems though:

    1) I'll be without pc for many weeks. While this is perfect for rebooting, it's awful for my job; I work with pcs and without one I'm basically postponing any study/work until I have access to one again
    2) I suffer from severe depression most of the time. The simple thought of staying away from home, among strangers, scares me like nothing else. My plan was managing to stay PMO clean all this month and then in October decide between a temporary job away from computers and going back to school. Clearly, it's not gonna happen. Until I am not depressed any more, I can't decide, anything looks impossible.
    3) Even if I move away somewhere else, without computers, how much time do I need to be sure I'll have beaten this addiction? I've been on vacations for more than 1 month and when I returned home I was back to PMO. Even binging. How can I be sure that this won't happen yet again? Because it would be just another waste of time.
    4) If I decide to go to work somewhere away from home, it'll mean that I'll have lost yet another year of school because I have to sign up this month or they won't accept me until next year. This could be the lesser of two evils but still saddens me.
  16. makebelieve

    makebelieve Member

    If you know a lot about computers, of course it is difficult to find a way to control yourself with a filter.

    But I guess you're smart enough too to think of a way how to control yourself anyway. Program your router with open DNS and throw away the password, or hide it, or give it to a friend. The same can be done with K9.

    If you still feel that it's possible to get around it, you could consider to get a special provider for a couple months.

    I was always afraid to do things like that, because I thought I couldn't do my work like I should, or that there will be other problems. But now I understand that the knowledge that it would take me 15 min. to get around my filters is exactly what makes the big change for me.

    Apart from that I can assure you that after a couple of weeks your habits start to change, and it becomes less and less difficult not to think about the possibility of watching porn.

    Use your smartness! Good luck.
  17. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    I can change dns with my provider's, that are unfiltered and I have no power to configure. I can kill the K9 process every time I need, or even modify the boot process as to not even make it boot. Or switch OS altogether, if it is too cumbersome (I actually use Linux and K9 isn't available for this OS).
    Matter is, anything can be disabled/circumvented. I have to rely on my will force for now.

    What do you mean? I haven't heard of anything like that before.

    I am aware of that. I hoped to reach at least 10 days to gain momentum and be able to overcome urges better. But I'm still in the 1-2 days range atm :(

    Anyway, apropos of smartness, I thought that if I keep staying in front of a pc leads to be weaker against urges but I can't stop using a computer for months, why not finding a way to stay at the pc that will not make so hard to give in to PMO? For me it means standing. When seated my hand goes too quickly, and unnoticed, to the crotch and I start rubbing my penis even without porn. This increases the desire to watch porn and as soon as I start rubbing it becomes much harder not give in. It's a terrible habit that I have learned in my youth to masturbate even in a room with other people, because I lacked (and still lack) my own room.
    Therefore I've just hacked, with some print paper sheets and a unused cd case, a standing desk that will permit me to work at the computer without having to sit down. Regardless of the health benefits (more calories burned, better posture, less focusing on the computer and more aware of the environment), it will make much harder to rub my penis, because it'll be more noticeable, and it'll become much easier to simply walk away when the urge to watch porn is unbearable. The simple act to get up is what often kills my good intentions. I hope this way to gain some more days and recover some optimism. Even if feet and legs are gonna hurt after a whole day standing :)
  18. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member


    I was listening to some music while doing my friday workout. Album was Kid A from Radiohead (a great one). It's only day 1 for me (but day 6 of no O) and while listening to a song I had what I'd call a "musical orgasm": totally in the moment, listening to the notes, singing along the singer and overall feeling pretty happy. It's very rare for me to have such an experience while it was pretty common years ago, before all the hardcore porn messed up my brain. It was awesome. Like having an orgasm after weeks of abstinence.

    Which made me think: WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why on earth should me or anybody else exchange hours of useless fapping, of average to good pleasure levels, with tons of brief, "orgasmical" moments like enjoying a song no... "feeling" it, something that captures both mind and soul at the same time, enveloping yourself much better than porn would ever do. And I can only imagine how it could feel to make love with your girlfriend when completely clean of any addiction and having a moment like the one I just had this evening. Much, much, much better than anything I've ever experienced and more than I can even begin to grasp. A single moment like the one with Radiohead music but with a woman is worth more than 10 years of fapping to porn, no mistakes.

    Why should I trade that moment, or even just the hope to have it, for another, useless, fapping to porn? I say: KILL THIS ADDICTION, KILL IT WITH FIRE!

    I'm so sick of this. It's now or never.
  19. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    I've come to realize that I'm such a mess of a guy that I can't really reboot alone while suffering from depression too. I have social phobia/anxiety, very severe, and I can manage to stay among people only when I'm pretty happy/relaxed, which is only when I PMO. But then I get depression, which I have no power on because nobody cares about me, I can't simply get out to let it pass nor pills help. Rebooting for me means passing many, many days on the bed crying alone. I think this is the reason why I keep relapsing. The pain that rebooting involves is still too scary to be accepted. Rationally I know that is little compared to what I have been feeling all these years but thing is, even if I manage to go through rebooting and the pain it involves, I'll still be a guy without job, friend and girlfriend. It's a lot of suffering for just the chance to access things that most guys take as granted in life.

    It's too much right now. Without some support from my family it'll be impossible, that much I've comprehended.

    That's why I called myself a "mess of a guy". Depression over social anxiety over PMO over lack of support over lack of somebody to speak to when needed over total lack of hopes for the future and on and on. Every piece is connected to another and all together are a huge, scary barrier that I don't even have a clue where to start dismantling. PMO was the most obvious choice but it's not going to happen. I've been trying to reboot for 2.5 years now, which is around 130 weeks. Calculating that I've at most, but for one single stretch of 20 days, reached 3-4 days, it means that I've relapsed around 250/260 times since I discovered YBOP. Depressing. One must try and fail again but when you have failed all the fucking time it means it can't be done. Not by me, at least.

    Is there somebody with social anxiety that barely leaves his house that has managed to reboot? Is it possible to reboot without any connection with people?

    My reasoning is that porn plays an important role for people like me that have really no one to speak with. It's a trick and it's damaging for the brain but I believe it's a defensive method implemented, on a subconscious level, by the brain to not go totally mad. I truly think that I wouldn't be here if I hadn't watched porn throughout these years. Yes I want to stop. But I have to give something in exchange for it to my brain or I'm going to relapse forever. Or, worse, I might feel doing things that I'll not even have the chance to regret...
  20. Fiddler

    Fiddler Active Member

    Bad moment. It's very probable that I'll have to go to Milan again in a few days to accompany my father to the hospital. It'll be a long staying so I have practically lost another school's year. As you can imagine, this news has destroyed my mood, without going to school I'll have no way to occupy the days in the following months. Boredom will be aplenty and this invariably led to PMO in the past.

    What most enrages me is that no one of my relatives has asked my opinion about going back to Milan. Nobody thought that I am going to lose another year of school. I'm probably a lost cause for them. I can understand this point of view but it's exactly this that is hurting me the most, when nobody trusts in you and your chances of success and you have already a pretty low self confidence, it's impossible to stay concentrated on the right path. Because nobody cares if you are or not on it.

    And it's not even a matter or life or death, my father could be cured at our home town too. Only it'll take more time because doctors here are lazy. But it can be done without going to Milan again. It would be much better for me. But nobody seems to care enough to even think about this solution. :(

    On the bright side, being in Milan for 4-5 weeks will mean that I'll not have easy access to porn. Good. Not good enough to reboot though, as I already have seen this summer when I was back to PMO upon my return at home. I guess the best I can do right now is staying clean as much as possible so to get to Milan in acceptable mental conditions.

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