My story Hi everybody. I'm a 31 years old kid (don't deserve to be called man, yet), born and living in italy. My father is a shy and reserved person while my mother is pretty extrovert and actually suffer if she can't talk with somebody for a few hours. Why am I mentioning this? Because I've been conditioned, by my parents and relatives, in believing that I'm more similar to my father while I am slowly realizing that I am more probably like my mother. Whatever I am, I started being interested in girls from a very young age. 6-7 years old maybe. I became infatuated already at that age. I was also pretty sexual when a little child still; I vividly remember the day when my father scolded me for repeatedly touching my penis in public. Just putting a hand on my crotch, nothing more than that, but now thinking back of it it was pretty unusual for a 8 years old boy. Whatever might have been the reason for this, I didn't start masturbating until I was 12, during the summer. At the end of that, I found myself madly in love with the sister of one of my friends (despite being a very shy boy I managed to keep 3 close friends and from time to time chat with other boys at school). I had no idea how to tell her but she apparently had: she sent his brother to tell me that she was in love with me too. It could have been the start of a normal relationship but we were both so awkward at that that we basically knew to like to the other but we didn't anything to show that. We kept our friendship. I only tried to become more close to her, physically. I used any excuse to grab her arm/hand, to hug her or to even tickle her. I didn't go beyond this, ever. She probably either got bored waiting from a bolder move on my part or got scared by those weird "advanches". Thing is, she became more cold towards me. I am telling this episode because it was the beginning of all my problems. I dropped out of school. I had had always issues in going to school, I find it boring and repetitive. My grades had always been great. I was the 2-3 best pupil in class, without even much effort on my part (I used to study at most 1 hour per day and it was enough to retain all concepts). This notwithstanding the many days that I didn't want to go to school and remained at home, for my parents' dismay. Still, as long as I got promoted each year they were ok. But after that summer of 19 years ago, I couldn't bear staying in a class anymore. I didn't go to school for a week, then a nearly a month and in less than 6 months I was practically staying alone at home all day. I had never been allowed to go out alone by my parents, thus I had to wait for my friends to come to my door. Which they did, for some time. But the fact that I didn't participate in their outdoor games anymore, didn't go to any school and didn't want to go outside at all unless my parents forced me (which they rarely did), was probably seen as weird by my friends and/or their parents. Result? I spent the next 2 years at home, with my friends more and more rarely paying a visit to me, without ever seeing again my friend's sister and resorting in giving the final exams as a private pupil (which took a great deal of courage to do but I managed to). After those final exams, at 14 years of age, I was basically free of doing whatever I wanted. In italy it's ok to drop out of school at that early age so I wasn't forced to continue my studies. I had lost contact with all my friends. I had become, from a shy boy that was quiet and reserved, a scared of everything young guy, that couldn't bear even getting out of his door on the house patio for the fear that the neighbours could see him (crazy, I know). Of course my parents sent me to various therapists that were ready to diagnose me with social anxiety. I took pills. I changed therapists when I felt I was getting nowhere with one. I tried to do the tasks they assigned me but they all where meant to get me outside and I was simply too scared to do that. I became a total recluse. I did went out, occasionally. For buying stuff at a supermarket, clothes at a store; but nothing else. No cinema, no sports, no simply walking around. Nothing. I also never went out without one or, better, two of my parents. Never once. Strangely though, I did go on vacation during the summer as we were used to do in the family every years since I was born. I didn't socialize during these vacations but I loved going somewhere else even if only once a year. But I was content, albeit not happy. I only had a strong desire to be left alone and not be disturbed, which my relatives quickly understood. Of course I became over time depressed due to the extreme loneliness. I had started to masturbate, occasionally, but without any images. I was probably 14 when I discovered that masturbating with a magazine (no Playboy or softcore, simply a tv guide magazine, a fashion catalogue and very tame things like these) was better and I started doing it more often (once every two days, perhaps). No porn whatsoever until I discovered an hardcore movie on a local tv, at very late night when I was 15 or 16. That was the only time and I quickly returned to magazines for my masturbation sessions. Until I bought a pc with an internet connection at 20 and started transposing what I was used to do, masturbate over celebrities and fashion models on magazines and tv, on the web, joining forums on the topic and collecting digital images. I was aware of the softcore and hardcore porn but didn't like the latter much and didn't use the former often, only as a way to reinforce a good wank with celebrities/models. The use of softcore images increased though, slowly, for 4-5 years. Still very little hardcore (let's say once a week). So fast forward to 24: celebrities, models, some softcore, the rare hardcore video, masturbation nearly every day, no sexual fantasies but romantic ones (linked to my favourite celebrities). Still lonely and at home, studying a bunch of stuff on my own and going on a vacation, with my parents, every summer. I have now renounced finding a good therapist and am resorting on self-help books and meditation. Around that period hardcore porn became more present. Fantasies became more sexual too. I was still a virgin so I couldn't say how my erections were but I had no issues in getting it up with porn and even without was pretty easy. Started wandering in various fetishes (which I won't mention as they may be a trigger but nothing too strange yet). This life kept going for 3 years. Thanks to my efforts on myself, I got the courage to stop being a virgin and went to a prostitute while in Germany on a summer vacation. My parents knew that I did it and, while not happy, understood my needs. I had an enormous amount of anxiety at approaching my first prostitute but sexually I did fine, no ED. After that first encounter, I planned all my subsequent summer vacation according to where it was easier and cheaper to meet prostitutes. Germany, multiple times, Dominican Republic, Brazil, Spain. Still with my parents at first but already the second time in Germany I choose to go alone, going from being a recluse for nearly 15 years to travelling alone for 4 days. Quite an accomplishment. I don't think I could have done it if wasn't for the objective of getting laid. Sexually it was great, 3-4 prostitutes per day for 4 days, no ED until the very last day (I thought I was tired). Next year, 2009, in Dominican Republic I had to take a pill of Cialis to get it up. I had kept watching porn and masturbating, unaware that it was lowering my libido. I linked the lack of erection with too much porn though and told myself that I had to scale down its use. I wish I had followed my own advice! The following years, ED became worse. 1 or 2 sessions with prostitutes with a good erection and then I had to take Cialis to continue. In 2010 I realized that I had to stop watching porn if I wanted my erections back, I was even starting to have issues while masturbating. I managed to reduce the hardcore porn but celebrities and models were impossible to completely remove. I didn't even try, I had become a mod of a celebrity forum and wasn't going to drop that role. I thought it impossible. That year I went to Dominican Republic again but without the intent to visit prostitutes. There was no internet connection at the hotel so I had to abstain. Socializing was still extremely hard but I felt slightly more relaxed. I actually enjoyed staying among people a bit for the first time in years. Thing is, bad habits are hard to change so soon and I payed 3 times for a mobile internet connection so I could masturbate with porn. I couldn't stay away from prostitutes too and went with them 3 times, the first without Cialis and the others with. No ED this time. Even 1 week without porn did wonder, I suppose. Back at home I binge with porn and masturbation for two weeks; this taught me a lesson because then I manage to stay away from PMO for 2 weeks and then, after a relapse, for 20 days. But I couldn't drop the celebrities/model part. In 2011 it's the same, I can abstain from PMO for a few days before relapsing but can't stop watching celebrities and models' images. During the summer vacation of last year I don't pay any visit to prostitutes and don't watch any porn or celebrities for 11 days. Longest stretch for me ever. Last day, after frustrating experiences in trying to socialize, I give in to the prostitutes call again. No ED and no Cialis. Depressed by my social failures, I give in to PMO again, for 1 month. This year then I managed finally to drop completely any visual stimulation, no hardcore, no softcore and no celebrities/models for nearly 2 weeks thanks to the fact that my father became ill and me and my mother accompanied him in Milan to be cured. I did go to prostitutes though, twice, and the last has been such a bad experience that I vowed to myself to never pay for sex again. It made me feel very depressed though and I masturbated with PMO twice after it, while waiting for my father to get well. Now I'm back home and back at PMOing, one day I do and another I can abstain. Yet I'm more and more convinced that removing PMO for a pretty long time will immensely help me. While in Milan I felt the best I ever felt in my life, I started not caring what other people could think of me, chatted with other people at the hospital (briefly), accompanied my mother through all the city, felt pretty positive about my future for the first time in ages. I had my bad moments too, as my mother can testify (unfortunately for her). So what now? After more than 2 years struggling to give up PMO, after countless relapses, I feel ready to give up it once and for good. Objective: getting to Christmas porn-free. Intermediate steps will be at the end of every month. It's time to finally become a man and not being a kid forever. P.S.= sorry for my english. Feel free to correct me whenever you find it appropriate.