Draining the grotto of my pornographic mind

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Intothewild89, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    When you do something over and over again expecting different results, and you just aren't getting them, maybe it's your approach? I think this is the case for me, and the fact that I have the ability now to enforce a very, very strict internet situation at the push of a (few) buttons is what's keeping me fairly straight in my pursuit of recovery from this beast. I know if I act out again, I'll get upset over it and enforce all the blocks to the point where I need to reinstall windows in order to get things working again. I don't want to do that, so I'm staying very strict on this quitting idea. My hosts file is beyond polished (tested this the other day against K9, K9 doesn't compare at ALL to what your hosts file can do), and if I reset my router, I'll take a chance of it not working like last time and my wife will know what I did since Comcast has her number to call when the internet isn't connecting properly. The end all to this addiction would be to get a router/modem/gateway that doesn't have a reset button on the back. That coupled with parental controls through my ISP and a Light Phone would force me to be clean for a very, very long time.
     
  2. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    End of day 9.

    Withdrawals are happening all over the place now like they usually do. I'll feel great for an hour or two, then have bad anxiety for an hour, then feel great again. Typical for this point in my reboot. Still though, something different about this time around...feel like it's going to be the "one" reboot I need. I've been reading some accounts of guys that say they haven't experienced benefits until 200 days into no pmo. I feel like I'm going to agree with them. I feel like this isn't going to be over (the withdrawal symptoms) for at least 6-8 months. The long haul is here my friends. Let's journey on.
     
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  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^it’s different for everybody. I guess people who use daily will see more obvious benefits than once-a-weekers, weekend bingers or causal users, but there are always benefits provided we use the new free time constructively, rather than waiting for those superman powers to miraculously just happen. Well done for acknowledgong that the long haul is the only one!
     
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  4. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 4.

    Been recording a lot of music lately, getting ready for the mixing and mastering before May arrives. I've been pouring myself into it, and I've given myself a pretty hellish migraine as a result. Oh well, the first half is complete, and it's sounding stellar.

    I now have no conceivable way to watch porn unless I decide to, A) reinstall windows on both my computers and lose all of my audio project files and kids video games, or B) drive 30 minutes away to my parents house to download pin-finder and reset my iPhone, which I shouldn't be able to do because I've password protected my backup with a random string of characters that I've FutureMe'd myself for 30 days in the future as well as enforced Screen Time with a dummy gmail account and unknown password. I ditched K9 when it started creating problems with my hosts file, but instead bought a 12 month license for a program called FocusMe which allows me to blacklist sites without knowing the password for the blocks. I spent a good 3-6 hours over the weekend trying to beat them, to no avail. FocusMe lets you block the task manager as well as the run command. It prevents uninstalling as well as switching users (like logging in to the Administrator account). I've employed a program called NoSafeMode which lets me select which account can log into safe mode on Windows (safe mode would let me end the FocusMe process as well as change the hosts file). Since I've forced safe search on Google, Bing and YouTube, and have blocked any and all known search engines with FocusMe, I can't look up new porn sites I've never heard of. My hosts file also contains roughly 42k of the most known porn sites, which get blocked automatically. I've blocked myself from using the "cached pages" method of getting around site blocks, and I've added any and all known proxy, torrent, and image sharing sites. If I ever encounter more that I've never heard of, I'll throw them on the blacklist with FocusMe. This is, of course, if I don't binge first, and that's where i'll have to have SOME SORT OF WILLPOWER. If anyone knows how to block proxy sites without K9 (like by category), let me know. Let's see what goes down!! :D;)

    I haven't been feeling all that bad lately. A few weeks ago, I stopped having any and all dairy products. My anxiety has all but disappeared after a week of stopping. My bloating issues are also non-existent now. My brain fog went away like night and day, and my energy levels have completely returned and I'm not getting dizzy when I stand up anymore. My blood pressure is at an all-time low and my fatigue has drastically lessened. I was able to help my father remove some tree stumps last weekend and I never got any of that weird "downer" feeling like my body was struggling for energy. It's been great! My wife was adamant that I've been lactose intolerant for years, but I never really gave it much thought. Guess it doesn't hurt to try new things.

    Day 4 today, but I'm not really feeling bad at all. No urges, no withdrawal symptoms. Absolutely no ED problems and my PE has gotten much, much better since I started going into sex with a different mindset (I don't even try to get an erection anymore and let it come completely natural. When sex starts, I force a light reverse kegal and I'm able to go for 3-5 minutes. Better than the 10-20 seconds I'd been dealing with for years!!)

    I've been away for a bit to record this album, but I have a few days off here to let my next set of strings stretch for a while until the weekend. I'll be catching up on some journals here. Thanks guys. :cool:
     
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  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Great job on shielding yourself from porn. Although a serious topic, it was somehow funny to read :D.

    So, all those problems were due to lactose intolerance :confused:. OMG. This must be such a relieve for you! Actually I also stopped drinking milk after I found out that it was a reason for bad breath and low energy mornings....
     
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hah, at this point you could sell your skills at building a digital anti porn fortress for some cash I feel. The level of expertise your post indicates is so way above my understanding I'm kind of intimidated by it. Skill is something to be proud of, as is dedication, so I'd tip my hat to you if I hadn't lost it somewhere years ago. (Was a good hat, too.)

    I've only recently been looking into your journal, so kindly forgive the question, but does your wife know about all of these struggles yer going through?
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  7. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Thanks man. I know a lot of guys on here downplay blockers, and I totally get where they're coming from. Focusing on self change and wanting to be free from your addiction can only happen with a true awareness of commitment. I've struggled with willpower issues my entire life. I remember in my 20's when a band I was in at the time got signed to a pretty well known record label, but I was so apathetic about applying myself to writing and was smoking so much weed that I eventually quit the band because I felt we weren't getting anyway. I'm sure had I stayed with the guys and put my all into the band, we could have gotten much, much farther than we did. I still struggle with this now, but the project I'm working on currently seems to be picking up steam. I've been in touch with some pretty well known musicians, and it looks like that lack of drive I had back then has reignited with a vengeance. I want this for myself this time. I don't want to leave any part of myself behind and wish to give it my all.

    When it comes to porn though, it's so difficult to stop. You and I discussed this before. The farther out you get from a binge, the better you feel and the more entertaining porn sounds. For me, that time length seems to be 10-12 days. It's a true Jekyll and Hyde situation. Apart from the binges, there really is no part of myself that I want to work on. When it's been nearly two weeks without porn binging, I'm completely back to normal in regards to my headaches and anxiety levels. Even when I'm having the anxiety post-binge, I'm still a very social person and have no problems talking to women and interacting with strangers. To the normal person, they would never know what I'm going through, which brings me to DRDV's point.

    Thanks bro! Yes, my wife knows that I like porn, and she knows that I watch it sometimes, but she has no idea about the problems it causes me when I binge. My migraine and pmo binge symptoms are very, very similar, so it's very easy to blame them on having a migraine. We've had arguments in the past about porn, but she realizes it something I've looked at for nearly 22 years now. It causes no problems within our family and we raise a great family. My symptoms are just under the radar enough to be able to blame them on other things. I'd say she doesn't realize I have an addiction to it. We haven't talked about it in years and I'm not sure how she would react if I said anything about my issues, but I'm sure it wouldn't be good. Regardless, I love our marriage as it is and I love everything else about my life. Our sex life is "amazing" according to her. I know we'll be together for life. The only thing I want is for the porn to be gone, so that's why I resort to these drastic blocking methods. If I could eliminate the access to porn, my life would be in complete harmony. We'll see how this round goes until the end of April when I get the passwords back. I haven't been able to go longer than 15+ days in nearly a year now. I'm hoping this set up will change that.

    In addition to the blacklist, FocusMe also lets me block all the internet on a schedule. Since 98% of my binges happen when everyone else goes to sleep, I have it set to block all internet at 11:30 PM until 7:30 AM. This has worked very well the past 3 nights. I've been getting amazing sleep and I'm not nearly as tired as I usually am. My iPhone has no internet capabilities unless I were to put it into Recovery mode and restore it, but I don't have access to iTunes or the ability to install software, so it would be useless to try and set it up from stock. Despite these circumstances, I'm loving the freedom from social media and endless scrolling. I'm getting so much more done and my head isn't constantly down looking at a screen when I'm not at a computer. My iPhone can only call, text, take pictures and use utilities like e-mail, calculator, weather, etc. Safari and App store is completely blocked. Anyone got a remote cabin with no wifi or electricity they want to let me stay at for a year? :D
     
  8. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This would be great. I always have fantasies of going into the woods and getting away from society. I guess I would need to learn several skills before I did that. For instance, how to hunt, first aid, etc.

    Good to see you back!
     
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  9. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Them's pesky passwords just won't go away!

    ;) Really though, I've spent the last 7 days working on some new blocking methods and programs. I've settled on a mix of Mobicip, FocusMe, and manipulation of the hosts file. Through trial and error, binge and relapse, it's been a wild past 7 days. I jettisoned off my passwords on Saturday afternoon. I found them on my Google Photos app since they backed up my iPhone photos. Since I was using them so much, I had to change them all again to new random characters. I made sure not to save them at all, but only WhenSend them to myself for 7 days from now. If Mobicip allows me to pay all my bills and access all the known websites I need for daily living, then I'll re-WhenSend them for 30 days this coming Saturday. No way in now unless I reinstall Windows. It's surprisingly easy to get my iPhone free of internet. I can't restore it because I have appldnld.apple.com and mesu.apple.com blocked from the router level, which won't let me restore/download firmware needed for restoring. Here's looking toward Saturday!

    I wasn't feeling bad at all really, though. I was binging for days at a time and not really feeling bad physically. Although I had 3 giant slices of pizza on Friday, and an ice cream on Saturday, both dairy items. First dairy I had in two weeks. Got a migraine on Sunday with horrible head pain and anxiety, first anxiety since my last dairy encounter, so do the math. I have no ED or sexual problems whatsoever, so is it the porn or dairy ruining my life? At least I know it's one of the two.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019
  10. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest


    If you are in the United States, I'd recommend not having any dairy for a straight 30 days. There's something in the milk here that many people can't tolerate. It's really really really bad. Doesn't even matter if it's organic. I speak from personal experience and many people who have given up all forms of dairy and have felt exponentially better.
     
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  11. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Thanks man. I am in the US, on the east coast actually. I stopped drinking milk and switched to oat milk when i started putting it together that cows milk was giving me really bad bloating issues. Not just a little bloating, I'm talking 6-7 months pregnant looking bloat. As soon as I cut it out, the top half of my abdomen deflated like a balloon and my wife said she hasn't seen me that flat stomached in years. When I cut dairy entirely around the end of March, the constant anxiety and panic I was blaming on pmo vanished even when I binged on porn for days at a time. I can guarantee that I'm 100% lactose intolerant, but I've heard people curing their panic disorders by quitting dairy. Seems to be helping me as well.
     
  12. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 4.

    Still no conceivable way to watch porn unless I reinstall Windows or buy a new smartphone, and I'm continually blacklisting sites that offer the Windows media creation tool required to reinstall the operating system. My migraine head pain has subsided, but I'm still having pins and needles in my feet and hands along with my typical postdrome symptoms (extreme lethargy, brain fog, fatigue). It should clear up in a few days, but man I feel like a truck ran over me. I got a solid 8 hours sleep and woke up feeling worse than I did going to bed. I did a lot of walking last week and I'm paying for it now. The exercise intolerance is quite real, and I know it's because of porn. I recall the last time I went more than 2 weeks without pmo, I was having the energy of a 16 year old kid. I think I'll need to hold off on exercise until I get back to that point, and more importantly STAY at that point (i.e. don't fucking relapse). I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day when I say these things, because I'm just restating things I've already said in this journal once before. Insanity at it's finest.

    So I was reading that chronic stress, no matter the kind, can induce bodily changes that can include sensitivities to foods you never had previously. I didn't start having these bloating issues from dairy until my late 20's, right around the time I started getting cravings and withdrawal symptoms from porn. I also can't tolerate certain chemicals and additives in personal care products and foods, which is also possible when the body has been in a state of chronic stress. All of this ties into the changes of the HPA axis due to porn, I know it. About 30 min. into a binge I start to notice how badly I'm sweating, and I never hardly sweat even when I'm exercising (I'm always wearing a jacket). When I'm not binging on porn, my body temp is always between 96-97, so I know I'm screwing with some thyroid hormones and other chemical systems. Porn and PMO = Stress, and I'm messing with things I really shouldn't be.

    The bottom line is, regardless of how I look at all of this and continually scrape the internet for answers, I know logically if I stop my porn addiction, all of this will go away. Chronic stress lowers overall serotonin, and low serotonin is linked to migraines. Chronically raised cortisol levels lowers testosterone synthesis, and low testosterone is linked to premature ejaculation among other things. Just knowing I have no conceivable way to access porn unless I really (and I mean really) go out of my way is a comfort I haven't had in a while. Let's hope it stays that way.
     
  13. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 6.

    No porn, no pmo, no way of getting to it without jumping through various hoops and hurdles. My migraine got better by Tuesday, but now the real pmo and porn withdrawal is kicking in. I know it when my face starts to get tight, and my eyes start feeling puffy. I got crazy urges this morning and I had a constant anxiety attack around 5am that wouldn't let up or let me sleep. My body is kinda weird feeling, like I can't stretch far enough and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. Nothing hurts, but I know I'm withdrawing. You always know that feeling. Anxiety is through the roof. Legs are sore but don't really hurt. I have no energy. I'm having trouble putting fluent sentences together and I'm almost studdering sometimes. I had a beer yesterday and I obviously shouldn't have. Dopamine is at an all time low lol. I have to record the rest of this album over the long weekend, so hopefully that'll distract me enough until I start getting into the double digit days.

    Like I said though, I can't even get to porn without reinstalling Windows, and I'm not sure how i'll do that since I've blacklisted all the sites I can find to create the USB stick to do it. No way I can get into it on my iPhone, unless I reinstall Windows and get iTunes back. This is the most I've ever forced myself away from porn in my life. I get the passwords back Saturday, but only to make sure I can access all the sites to pay my bills, then the new day to send them to is May 31st. It'll be 50 days by then. I'm getting excited! This seclusion is the best thing for me.
     
    Merton likes this.
  14. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 7.

    So when I got those passwords back for the one week check, you knew I had to watch porn. You knew it, I knew, everyone knew it. Anyways...

    It's been 7 days now since I watched porn last, which only consisted of maybe 10 minutes before my wife and I had sex that afternoon. Before that, I was 6 days clean. So all in all, 10 minutes of porn in the past 13 days. Not bad.

    You've all heard me go on and on about physical symptoms on this board and on my journal here. I'm taking the time here, on this post, to say that I'm going to stop blaming them on porn/porn withdrawal/anything to do with porn. They aren't because of porn. They're migraines. I have triggers for these symptoms and they happen every time I slip up. My body is 10,000% more calm now that I've given up dairy for nearly a month. I had a sub with cheese on it (unknowingly) a couple days ago and all the anxiety and headaches came back for a few days, which have now resolved since I stopped dairy again. All of this without watching porn in between. It is what it is.

    Now I'm not saying I don't have a porn addiction, because I do. I sent my passwords off until May 31st, so still no possible way to watch it. Feeling how calm I am now compared to how I get when I'm all sped up on porn, I can totally see how it has had an effect on my nervous system. I'm staring to exercise again, but slowly, only 5 minute walks this week. 10 minutes next week. 15 the week after, and so on until I get back up to 30 minutes a day. I've been out of shape for so long that when I jump back into it too fast, I get that stupid exhaustion/fatigue thing. I'm going to be smart about it this time. Feeling great still after 2 days.

    So that's where I'm at. Been really busy with recording this album, which I'm about 85% finished with. Start of week 2. I don't want to watch porn today. I can't be "quitting", I have to be "quit". Let's see how this goes. Don't know how I'd watch it anyway.
     
  15. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 9.

    Feeling better today. A little achy in my joints, but I don't know if it's from not pmo-ing or just aches and pains in general. Anxiety is a little elevated, but the spring allergies always bring on increased migraine, then anxiety, symptoms for me. Ever since the leaves on the trees sprouted, I've been feeling more on edge with nagging headaches. Typical late April/early May stuff. I'm having massive urges now, as is also typical for day 9/10. Still no way of accessing porn that I can think of until the 31st of the month, so it looks like I'm going to make it until then. iPhone is still on lock down and my computers have wayy too much audio work on them to try and reinstall Windows. It's like I just don't care to go through all that just for porn. When it's easily accessible, that's when I fall into it. If it's going to take me more than a few hour to get to it, then I don't really feel like bothering with it. Let's hope I continue to feel this way.
     
    Merton likes this.
  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Congrats on getting up to the double digits. How did the weekend go?
     
  17. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 29 (iPhone).
    Day 11 (PC).

    So I'm coming up on day 30 of no porn/pmo on my iPhone. My diligent search for a successful blocking method has finally paid off. Last weekend, my wife had a conference to go to, which meant I'd be at the house without her for 4 straight days. I used the first night to binge on my desktop PC, and the next 3 days devising a way to truly lock myself away from porn on all of my internet capable devices. I logged 23 hours over those days coming up with a way that works, and I can safely now say that I have. My biggest hurdle was finding a way to block the USB ports so I couldn't reinstall Windows. I managed to achieve this by altering the computer's bios setup and password protecting that. This is all written on the motherboard itself, so if I lose that password (which I've future emailed myself 90 days in the future), I'll have to buy a brand new computer. Seeing as how I have 2 very nice computers, my wife would know that isn't going to happen. Over the last week I've attempted to break through, to no avail. I'm using a combination of hosts file manipulation, blocking the task manager and other admin. functions using a software called FocusMe, and the parental controls of Norton Family which I've set up with an email address I'll never remember the name of. My wife's computer is monitored by her school, and all other devices have been blocked from wifi through my service provider.

    I'm feeling great. I stopped the coffee and alcohol over 10 days ago, and I'm more calm now than I've been since 2017. I think the better I feel as these days go on, the more I just hate porn and not want to use it. If I can possibly feel better than this weeks down the road, I'll have no valid argument for using porn again. Sex is great, my wife and I have finally found a way to beat the PE using rings and sprays (time has gone from 10-20 seconds to 5-10 minutes). Family life is perfect, loving all aspects of my existence. I haven't been here in a while because I wanted to know if this setup would work or not. Seems to be legit. If you want to know my current setup for blocking, let me know. The iPhone setup is 100% full-proof if you do it the way I do, but you'll have to sacrifice all internet and app store accessibilities. Going to need more time to see if my PC setup is full-proof. I'll spend the next few weeks working on a way in, but I'm really thinking there isn't unless Norton closes it's doors and files for bankruptcy lol.

    Have a great day, everyone! :D
     
    Merton likes this.
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    I find when we manage to reach that state of inner calm and balance, this whole fight becomes easier.

    Good constant sleep, no coffee or alcohol excess, eating decent and exercising every now and then are great ways to help ourselves reach that place.

    Glad yo hear you're doing good.
     
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  19. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Glad to see you here! I also have gotten a lot of relief by avoiding caffeine. At times I want to go back to it but my sleep thanks me.
     
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  20. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 39 (iPhone)
    Day 1 (PC)

    Reached 9 days when I came upon a list of my passwords in an old archived Google Photos file that got uploaded to my account before I could delete it two weeks back when I first set the locks into action. Terrible find. I struggled all day with knowing I should have deleted it, but didn't. I was feeling fantastic with no anxiety or fatigue. Led to a relapse.

    On the good side, I'm coming up on 40 days no pmo on my smartphone. It's something I don't have to worry about anymore and I love it. As for my 3 PC computers, I went into all available email accounts and places where the passwords could have been and deleted them. Found a file of them in my Dropbox account!

    I can't remember the last time I drank anything with caffeine, but I'm pretty sure it's close to a month ago. I don't miss it at all. I wake up much easier and I no longer crash around 4pm. I've had 1 beer in the last 3 weeks. Here we go! (again)
     

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