Draining the grotto of my pornographic mind

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Intothewild89, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Seriously it is incredible.
     
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  2. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 5.

    It's been a wild month of pmo binges and withdrawal, but I wanted this time away from my journal to truly work on a blocking situation that will work for me. I know many of you guys stick by your guns when you say blockers aren't going to be effective, but I've come to the realization that I do not have the willpower to break this addiction on my own. After much trial and error these past few weeks, I've come up with a situation that works which involves turning off all internet capabilities of my iPhone, using the parental controls of my router, employing the K9 tools as well as manipulating the hosts file of my 2 PCs. I've still got a ways to go, but I'd rather be addicted to locking myself out from porn than being addicted to porn itself. I've also erased my Galaxy S8 smartphone in preparations to sell it. Anyone want a blazingly fast mobile device for $50? It's on the StraightTalk network and less than a year old. Let me know.

    Maybe something good that happened just this past week is that I've cracked the code in regards to my premature ejaculation issues. I've always tried holding a strong kegal as soon as sex begins, which always backfires horribly. I've read accounts on pegym.com where people fix their PE by holding a reverse kegal during the entire ordeal, but I've never gone into it like that because I'm always afraid I won't keep my erection long enough for penetration. Well, on Tuesday afternoon we had an hour with the kids still in school for an episode, so I went into this thing doing a reverse kegal even before we got in the shower together. To my surprise, this thing actually worked! We had continuous penetration for a good 2-3 minutes and I never even felt the need to have an orgasm. My muscles started to give at this point, and I switched over to holding a regular kegal. I had to O within 20-30 seconds after doing so. I never thought this would work, but apparently it does. I need to work some muscle groups in my core in order to be able to hold that reverse kegal longer, but this is obviously a step in the right direction from always have to ruin sex 20-30 seconds into it. My wife was even able to O from the penetration alone, I was stunned! Since the majority of my pmo addiction stems from my inability to last during sex, I'm feeling much, much better about myself. The need/want to watch porn hasn't arisen since that encounter, and I hope to build on this so I get to the point that I never want to binge again. If I'm able to please my wife in that regard, porn becomes pointless and the fantasies should dissipate. Hopefully.

    Big weekend coming up. Wife will be gone away for work 3 straight days. I'm doing some tile work in our bathroom, so I hope to involve myself with that completely to stave off any upcoming urges. That and writing the rest of an album. Here's to an early Spring Renaissance!
     
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  3. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 8.

    Man have I felt like complete shit. I did the tile work on Friday and it threw me into that insane post-exertion malaise thing I get. All of Sat. and Sun. I had high anxiety and complete exhaustion. I still need to do the grouting today and I'm afraid it's going to kill me again like it did on Friday. Does anyone else get this??! This PMO addiction must give me Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or something because I never had this before my addiction got bad. I've read reports on here as well as RebootNation and NoFap of guys getting ME/Fibro/CFS from overdoing PMO, so it isn't out of the realm of possibility. These same people fixed themselves and their conditions simply by giving up Porn. What a concept!!!

    To go along with this, the urges are starting again like they always do around day 10. I guess another week and I should start feeling better, right?? I hate this addiction, hate hate HATE it. Of course the 4 or 5 days after my huge binge LAST weekend I felt freaking phenomenal. It's like the bigger I binge, the harder I fall, the longer it takes to fall. I'll notice if I haven't PMO'd for a week or so, immediately after sex I'll have the post-orgasm symptoms, BUT, if I binge really hard for more than a day or so, the post orgasm symptoms don't hit until 4 or 5 days later. It's like my dopamine high takes nearly a week to come down after big binges, whereas there isn't any dopamine whatsoever left after I've been abstinent and then had sex. This shit is like freaking rocket science and we're the initial subjects because nobody knows what happens in regards to the neuroendocrine "soup" we're creating after big binges. Best I can do is rest, rest, and rest some more!! Oh, and absolutely never watch porn again. That's a given if I want my life back.
     
  4. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Congrats on day 8! I am right along with you, on day 9. It is interesting to me that you seem to have a good mood after PMO for a few days (if I understood correctly). I feel awful and seem not to get better for a few days after PMO.
     
  5. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Thanks bro! See, this is interesting, because I used to be the same way as you. I recall posting on a forum back in early 17'/ late 16' when I thought I had post orgasmic illness syndrome and telling the guys that I always seem to feel better after 5-7 days. Most of the replies I got back then were mixed because they said that THEY were they opposite, that they only got worse as the days would pass. Sure enough, I'm like them now. I think it's because my binges have gotten worse since a year or two ago. Although I will say, I'm feeling pretty well today. I was able to finish my tile work and my anxiety is fairly minimal all afternoon. I'm more alert and clear headed for the first time in days. If I don't relapse, judging on how I feel right now, I bet I'll feel back to normal between days 10 - 14. Let's keep the streak alive my man!
     
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  6. @Intothewild89 Great work man! I'm jealous you are able to at least have sex during this. Did you ever go through a period of ED and not be able to have sex? I'm at the point where i'm at least moderately controller PMO, I want to have sex but have this mental block that is preventing me from making any moves with my wife. I feel like if I could just get past that mental block and successfully have sex, it could lead to more and more confidence to get past the mental block. Just curious how long it took you to get to that point if you were too experiencing ED?
     
  7. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Thanks brother :D I’ve actually never had ED, I’m the opposite where when my wife and I have sex, I can’t last longer than 20-30 seconds. I will mention though that I’ve masturbated with a limp dick before and as soon as I orgasm, I get an erection for half a second and then it’s over. I’ve also gotten the “hourglass” shaped penis which I hear it’s quite common with people addicted to pmo.
     
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  8. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 10.

    The withdrawal is in full force. I’m at that point now where I wake up early in the morning and I can’t go back to bed because my hearts racing and thinking about porn. All of my joints and muscles hurt and I’m experiencing exhaustion to the extreme. I’m also having a hard time focusing on stuff. My attention span is nil and my anxiety is waxing and waining every twenty minutes. I’ll have moments where I feel completely grounded and normal, then half an hour later I get what feels like an anxiety attack that doesn’t go anywhere. Half hour after that I feel normal again. I guess these are “mood swings”?

    I have no desire for sex or anything sexual whatsoever. My downstairs has been completely numbed out, for what I can only describe as the flatline. I’m sure if my wife wanted to do it we could, but I have absolutely no interest in initiating anything. Luckily we agreed to take this week off. I haven’t O’ed in 8 days now.

    I know a lot of this is my post exertional fatigue from doing the tile in my bathroom. I know the only way to stop getting post exertional fatigue and all these cfs/fibro symptoms is to stop watching porn for a few months.

    Months...

    The most I’ve ever gone in at least 15+ years is 24 days. After this weekend, I’m more than ready to go the full life time. My binge 10 days ago went on unabated for nearly 3 days off and on. Biggest binge in at least a year. Two straight days not sleeping. Yesterday I started feeling great again, only to come back down today and feel like complete shit. This is the nature of this thing. This is how serious it is: a guy on rebootnation had post acute withdrawal from porn for 2.5 YEARS!! That means a return to withdrawal symptoms like I’m having now, off and on, until I’m nearly 37. I COULD BE HAVING THESE FEELINGS UNTIL IM ALMOST 40.

    Screw that. I have to act now. Screw all the blockers and all the methods. This addiction is ruining nearly half of my life. My kids will be in middle school by the time I’m back to normal at that rate. A few years from there, the porn actors will be their age. SCARY STUFF.

    Who wants to watch porn when you’re nearly double the actors ages?? Actors who are 18 and soon your kids will be that age. And you’ll still be watching it. Disgusting.

    Change needs to happen now for me to have at least SOME sense of a normal life while my family is still living together. At the end of that 3 day binge my head started feeling weird and “light” like. Ever since then I’ve been having panic attacks when I feel it coming on. It’s been getting better over the last 3 days, but that shit is scary.

    This is the last day 10, because it has to be. I have so many more days ahead of me and I have no idea what the withdrawal will be like during them. I have no other choice.

    Day 10.
     
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I know what you're going through. We all do. When I was pmo free for ~400 days in 2017 I had a period of severe withdrawals even after more than a year (insomnia, extremely low energy, headaches, constant brain fog,...)

    But I think going through this after 2,5 years is really rare. Don't think about it. Think about the time afterwards when you'll feel totally normal again. I'm sure all the struggles will be worth it in the future.

    And like you said: We have to start somewhere. And now is better than tomorrow. Maybe it will last 2 years until we are out out this, but there will be plenty of time to live a good life then.
     
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  10. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    You’re right man. I’m feeling a bit better today, not nearly as much anxiety but my head feels so weird. It’s like a dizziness or something, like when I look around real fast, it feels like my brain has to “catch up” or something. I do feel on edge, like my typical anxiety at stop lights get magnified (I get bad agoraphobia when I’m in a withdrawal).

    Today is day 11 no porn, but it’s also day 11 no coffee/no caffeine. I’m assuming that’s at play here as well. Bit by bit, I’ll stick with this thing. If yesterday was 85% bad, than today was 75% bad. Still garbage, but not as bad garbage. I’ll obviously keep going here.

    @-Luke- , did you ever get post orgasm symptoms when you were heavily addicted? How long did they take to go away during your 400 days clean, if so? I have no idea what sobriety will be like after 24 days because, frankly, I’ve never gotten there. I do remember when I got to that point that I was feeling pretty amazing, but I’m also a guy who never got true ED from pmo. Thanks for the words of encouragement brother, it’s appreciated!!
     
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    After an orgasm without porn and without fantasizing I usually have some brain fog and lower then normal energy for the day after that (at most two day afterwards). Same with a wet dream. A porn relapse is another story. The negative consequences are more severe and last for a longer period.

    But I think we have to distuingish between the negative consequences we feel immerdiately after a relapse and withdrawal symptoms. The former last a few days or weeks for me, the latter can come back suddenly even after long abstinence.
     
  12. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    I agree with the first thing you said, where an orgasm without porn or fantasizing will usually give me a day or two of feeling off. With porn and a heavy binge, I feel absolutely great for 3 or 4 days, then it all comes crashing down for almost a week afterward. It's like I have a protracted reaction, where my dopamine takes a few days to come down, but when it does, it's armageddon on my body.

    My wife just told me a story about a 20 year old girl who died of a heart attack from being bulimic. All that stress on her body from puking most likely wore down her heart. It freaked me out from porn, since we're essentially overriding our reward system and pumping adrenaline/cortisol during those long hour binges. Totally turned me off from porn.
     
  13. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 1.

    Back to square one again. I swear I just spent the past 2 hours compiling a list of search engines to add to my hosts block file when I get my passwords back on the 17th. I'm also compiling a list of proxy sites. With Google, Bing, and YouTube all enforced with safe search, this should make accessing this porn stuff quite difficult. I'm also compiling a list of torrent search engines. In addition, I've blocked Apple's download servers so I can't restore my iPhone back to factory settings and lose my restrictions pass code. I've also looked into password protecting iTunes and any other program that will let me reset the iPhone with an ispw file. I haven't been diligent with this and I need to be. I relapsed with my old Samsung Galaxy I was meaning to sell but haven't yet. Complete unhindered porn access. I'm hard at work today though. I'll be disposing of this thing in the Eco ATM at the mall and locking myself out of porn for good. I'm going to lay low on the forum until I can get back up to 12 days again. While I'm away, I'll be compiling the most comprehensive hosts file imaginable. I've also looked into ordering USB locks so I can't reinstall Windows with a media creation USB drive. It might seem like a lot, but once the hosts file is up to snuff and I buy my Light Phone 2 with the tax return, it should all be set to go on auto pilot. I can't use pmo or porn on my wife's laptop because it's monitored by her grad school. I can and I will successfully block any and all porn from my internet devices. It has to be my life now.

    Hit the ground running!!
     
  14. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 3.

    I sold my Galaxy S8 yesterday at one of those Eco ATMs and used the cash to finally buy a pair of microphones I’ve been meaning to pick up for my upcoming album. Felt incredibly good to see it get gobbled up by the machine. I envisioned it as my addiction getting eaten and chewed up, never to return to my hands.

    Although I know in reality I still own two desktop computers and an iPhone. I logged 3 more hours over the weekend building up my hosts list to block any and all proxy, torrent, and search engine sites. I think I’m well up to 600 websites now in addition to what I used for my hosts list before. When I get my passwords back next Sunday, I’ll throw them on the list. I also need to figure out apples update server url to add to the hosts list so iTunes won’t be able to restore my iPhone and remove the restrictions passcode.

    I’m also buying some usb locks off amazon and putting my router/modem in a lockbox. I don’t care if it slows down my internet. I won’t be able to reset the router parental controls and I won’t be able to reinstall windows with a usb drive.

    No more games. No more excuses. After 12 days clean, I felt on top of the world and happier than I’ve been in nearly a year. Can’t wait to see what’s next.
     
  15. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 4.

    I've logged around 10 hours of blocking proxy, torrent and search engine sites on my hosts list. This is in addition to the over 104K porn sites. I'll be getting my K9 and Administrator passwords back on Sunday, and my iPhone is basically bricked to the point where I need to access iCloud.com in order to reset my restrictions pass-code, and I can't get there unless I use my parents computer 30 miles away. That or a public access computer (although I may try and make my Apple ID a bogus string of random characters so I can't even reset it if I wanted to. We'll see). Do your worst pmo addiction.

    Really though, I know a lot of you guys are against blockers, but I feel like this is the only way I can really, truly get through this. I'm way too addicted at this point to try and beat this thing on sheer will power alone. It'll be 3 years this July since I tried to quit. Why keep wasting my time on trying to will power myself out of porn? I must keep going with these blocking methods. Anything that keeps me away for another day is worth it. I've even found a way to disable my USB ports so I can't reinstall windows. I'm going to be using Bluetooth mice and keyboards. The neat thing is, I haven't really blocked that much of the internet. I can still watch the YouTube videos I like even with safe search locked in the on position, and everything else I enjoy is still able to get through to me. It's just porn that stays away. Let's pray Sunday comes with no more slip ups. If you're interested in following my blocking methods, stay tuned for next week. I'll be updating exactly what I've done. If you want to try it for yourself, you'll need a PC running windows 10 and an iPhone. NO SAMSUNG DEVICES. That is all. :D
     
  16. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Very close to a relapse last night, but sat down and thought about how I would feel within the next hour, next 3 hours, and finally how I would have felt by this morning had I binged the entire night away. Spent the next 30-45 seconds after that just plain old masturbating and the porn urges completely went away after orgasm. Feel completely fine and great this morning. This is how I have to approach it when I feel like I need to go and try to find a way through the blockers. As soon as you finish up, your mind completely switches gears, it's great. Got my recording stuff set up this morning and went to work on some tunes I've been meaning to track. Just do what people have been doing for centuries and you'll be fine. This high speed porn phenomenon is only in it's infancy, and who knows what this stuff is doing to our neuroendocrine systems, let alone our catecholamine and serotonin balances. When in doubt, just rub one out. Always staves off the cravings for at least a few days. Day 5 today.
     
  17. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 7.

    Urges started today again, but I didn't feel like being a zombie piece of shit and just did something else extremely productive and completely better than pmo. My head is back to normal and my anxiety has calmed back to baseline. Feeling pretty amazing again. Gotta stay vigilant, this i when things get hairy in regards to a binge. These past few days seem a little different, though. I'm looking ahead a lot more lately, like I'm envisioning how the binge will go down in my head before I even consider doing it. Just knowing how the next few days will feel is keeping me away. Loving life these past few days. Keeping it going.
     
  18. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 8.

    Feel all jittery today with a headache earlier, don’t know if it’s pmo withdrawal or a migraine starting. I did take my kids to an arcade last night, so that might be the migraine trigger. Sounds weren’t too loud though and I had my earplugs. Oh well, the headache is gone but my jitters are in full force lol. Temp was 98.0 and blood pressure was 124/71 with a pulse of 65. Science says I’m healthy!

    I’m really seeing a difference in how I’m perceiving binges lately. I’m having a whole slew of clairvoyance or something, like I’m adding up the effects of porn binges in my head. It’s nice to have the power of foresight for once. It’s keeping me away from acting out, and I like it. Haven’t thought about the blocks in a couple days even though I have all the passwords back. Maybe I don’t need them? Maybe knowing I have them and can use them is also keeping me away. Time will tell.
     
  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Ya, I understand this approach. In the end we're all faced with a complex problem, and the point is solving it. There are no bonus points for ignoring possible tools. If blockers give you a slight edge, good, use them. I've been headbutting into it with the same set of tools and tactics far too long.
     
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  20. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    When you do something over and over again expecting different results, and you just aren't getting them, maybe it's your approach? I think this is the case for me, and the fact that I have the ability now to enforce a very, very strict internet situation at the push of a (few) buttons is what's keeping me fairly straight in my pursuit of recovery from this beast. I know if I act out again, I'll get upset over it and enforce all the blocks to the point where I need to reinstall windows in order to get things working again. I don't want to do that, so I'm staying very strict on this quitting idea. My hosts file is beyond polished (tested this the other day against K9, K9 doesn't compare at ALL to what your hosts file can do), and if I reset my router, I'll take a chance of it not working like last time and my wife will know what I did since Comcast has her number to call when the internet isn't connecting properly. The end all to this addiction would be to get a router/modem/gateway that doesn't have a reset button on the back. That coupled with parental controls through my ISP and a Light Phone would force me to be clean for a very, very long time.
     

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