Draining the grotto of my pornographic mind

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Intothewild89, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    You know, i've always tried to pinpoint some sort of emotional driving force behind this addiction, but i really cant seem to connect anything. Growing up, my mother was an alcoholic and my dad worked hard for not much money. Despite this, my mother was never abusive and my dad was always sorta involved in things my brother and i did/liked. My mom would only binge drink on the weekends, although sometimes she would pick fights with my dad or i. I cant really say it affected me though, i was always into my music or video games i enjoyed. She got sober when i started highschool, but the impact on my life wasnt any different. My dad got higher positions at work and we eventually moved when i was 17.

    I dont feel like anything they did affected me emotionally. I have a great family now with my wife and 3 kids. I dont ever feel compelled to drink or smoke, and i only do so in very small quanties (maybe 2 or 3 beers a week, never smoke, dont use any drugs). I would say the hugest driver for using porn to me is boredom. I havent worked in 7 years since any salary job i would get would be completely funneled into child care. My wife has a very high paying position, and the fact she works only 3 days a week means we spebd plenty of time with family and each other.

    This is kinda odd, but it also gets pretty deep here so sorry if it weirds you out. Ive developed very bad PE over the years as youve heard me talk about, but another force in this is that one of my pmo fantasies is having my wife sleep with other men, primarolly those who have much better endurance and lasting time. Im never excited about sex anymore because of my PE issues, its almost a stress for me. With pmo, i can watch as long as possible and never have to worry about PE. Its more enjoyable that way. Ive also actually suggested the other partner thing to her and she was totally against it. I dont understand why she wouldnt want that need met when im completely OK with letting her do that. I dont even want anything in return, i have no want or need to have sex with other women. But again, this plays into my fantasy of her having sex with someone else, a fantasy i completely subscribe to during 90% of my times binging. Its like im looking for videos that i can image other guys doing with her (and not even bad stuff, just regular sex where the girl is loving it, which explains why i watch primarly homemade stuff that couples post).

    Man im weird, lol. Other than that, i love eberything i occupy my time with. When i go without pmo for 2 weeks straight, all the anxiety and depression melts away and im normal. But then im bored. Then i remember the binges. My kids are almost all in school now, maybe its time to get back to work? All of my binges take place when my wife is at work night shift and all my kids are in bed, which usually happens around midnight until the sun comes up.

    Maybe i hate sex now because im insecure about my ability to last in bed, i dont know. I should work out more but i dont. I know sitting at home all day probably atrophied all my kegal muscles and i have no control down there. 10 years ago when i worked at a factory and lifted boxes 6 days a week my ability during sex was practically superman-like, but even then i was addicted to porn, albeit not nearly as bad as i am now (sessions usually would last an hour a week tops). I think going from my 20s to 30s also didnt help, which is usually when anxiety disorders and depression come out. Neurotransmiters dont work as well, and hangovers after binges started getting physical. My mother told me her anxiety didnt start until she turned 31. Very much in line with me. I dont have anything to be anxious about though. I think raising kids is incredibly easy, and everyone always tells me i need a break but i just dont feel like i do. They say "dont they stress you out?" And i always seem confused because i dont feel stressed at all. What does stress me out? How i feel after porn binges for nearly two weeks. Since i cant go longer than 2 weekz without watching/binging, it means ive felt like crap for 2+ years now when i felt this thing starting.

    I think all that post binging feels are what gave me health anxiety. When i had my first panic attack that sent me to the ER in 2016, ive always been on high alert since then. Conversely, when i abstain from porn for 14+ days (only done it twice since the ER trip), i feel back to normal. Like i should.

    Sorry this was so long. I was glad to get that stuff written down. I know if i beat my PE issues ill have a lot more confidence in bed, and probably have less fantasies about my wife with other men. That combined with working out might pull my health togethrr enough to make me stop having health anxiety, and kicking the pmo forever would fix me altogether. You know, for the whole time i write this i didnt even notice the weird leg numbness or pain. Maybe that too is psycosomatic. I didnt really notice it until i read about Guillian Barre syndrome after my flu shot last month. For me, the less i know about things the better i am. Who knows whats wrong with me physically, probably nothing. My blood pressure yesterday was 121 over 78, its usually 115 over 60-70ish, so im still relatively healthy. All my muscles on the otherhand? Not toned or worked at ALL.

    Phew! What a mess. Day 1 today. Make of this what you will. Sounds like I have a lot to fix in the meantime. ;)
     
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  2. Merton

    Merton Member

    I can relate to having a hard time associating PMO with emotional pain. I was confused about this for a long time and only recently realized that with me, PMO might be a way to escape my personality and the structure I put on life. When I am watching porn I get this feeling like the rules don’t apply, and I can make things as extreme as I want in this little time window. I keep wanting to extend the time of the session until I have to go back to normal life. Do you ever get a feeling like that? I think for me, in the alternative land where rules don’t apply, I also do not have to follow all the rules I set up for myself to deal with anxiety (ocd type behaviors and so on) and I feel more free. Do you feel like increased PMO in the recent past is a reaction to anxiety in this way? Just some thoughts. These things are very hard to figure out, if you are not obviously abused or something.
     
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  3. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    I like what you said about using pmo to escape your personality. I feel like this to an extent. I most certainly like my personality, but there are things i wish i could be better at. I have bad procrastination periods and i feel like ive never really been motivated to do much of anything in life. I have some odd ocd at times. With pmo though, i find a switch is lifted into the on position. During the binge, i find myself actually unable to stop sometimes, its scary. Like 5am will roll around and i know logically if i dont sleep now for a few hours ill feel like shit that day, but i keep going with the porn. Just another hour, and then another. Theres literally like a part of me that gets blunted in the moment and im physically unable to see what im doing wrong. I hate that. When you talk about having progressively longer binge periods, im not sure why i do that, but i think it has to do with dopamine and delta fos b. When we binge we add a little bit more delta fos b to our mix, and it knows we need more to get the feeling out of the porn to bring our dopamine to where it should be naturally. When i had that 13 day streak earlier this month, i found that my relapse didnt really affect me, but now that ive relapsed again 4 days later, the physical symptoms are hitting me HARD. I know it was too soon but did it anyway. Realistically? If i watched porn for a few hours once a month on the same day each month, id probably be A LOT better physically and emotionally. With porn i can forget about my PE issues and see myself as a normal, sexual human. Am i using porn to escape my own flaws? Yes, clearly, but i dont think im doing it because i dont like myself, my character and personality. I like those things just fine, i just wish my inner workings worked better below the belt, and thats where i get down and like to self medicate with pmo. Did the porn cause my PE? Ill probably never know until one of two things happen. 1)quit porn or 2)tone my kegal muscles. Are they both mutually exclusive? Only one way to find out, and that answer should also solve my other problems or atleast give me a better idea of what may or may not be causing them in the first place.
     
  4. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Also, to answer your question, am i using pmo progressively longer in relation to increased anxiety? I dont think so, in fact a lot of times ill watch and pmo only after my anxiety periods have ended. Most times when im having this anxiety, im waiting for it tk go away to binge again, because it always goes away within a week to two weeks. Sometimes ill slip and pmo before the anxiety ends and i think thats just a quality of the addiction at work. Like i said before, nothing gives me anxiety except porn binges. I never even knew what anxiety was until it got started at age 30 and progressed to where it is now. When i had the panic attack in 2016 i literally thought it was because i crooked my neck earlier in the week and thought i was suffocating to death. My experience with stress and anxiety before this experience was literally when my wife got benzos perscribed in 2014 and me thinking "why would someone need pills to help them not be scared of something?" - really, because i didnt even know what anxiety FELT LIKE. i was 29 then. Now i know what it feels like, and i know ive never felt it before turning 30. I had a ct scan of my head and neck done in 2016 and everything was normal, so it really was anxiety when this shit started, and its always gotten worse as my pmo addiction got worse. When i think about it? It started when HD porn started coming out. It felt like it got more real and i would get shakey just watching it. Vile, evil stuff this is. Its changes you man. Thanks for the reply. :)
     
  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Awesome posts man. Thanks for sharing. My tendency after relapse is always to hide out. You are stepping forward now and dare to have a look inside yourself. That takes a lot of strength.

    You may think that you wrote down weird stuff or have a lot to fix, but believe me that this is totally human. It is just not the stuff we share at the coffee table.

    For myself it is more clear where my problems came from, but still in terms of acting I found that the process of recognizing and changing my behaviour (accept my feelings instead of trying to change them with porn) was more important than actually focusing on the issues themselves. It is more that knowing where the problems arise from helps me to recognize patterns and build-up of tension that eventually lead to acting out behaviour.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2018
  6. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Thanks brother! It was good to analyze all that and see what's really going on underneath all the layers. I had sex with the wife this morning and we actually just kinda had fun with it, poking fun at the PE and just being close. It was really enjoyable and we had fun. I'm starting to realize that since my view of sexuality is stuck in porn, I'm thinking the wrong things of what a real woman probably wants. Funny, dedicated and supportive are way better traits in a husband than a guy who can last long and nothing else. I'm making sex bigger than it needs be, and I think when I stop doing that, I'll realize how much damage I've done with this addiction. You're right when you say I should be focusing on my behavior rather than actually worrying about the issues themselves. That's the only way I'm going to make real change. Recognize what is leading me to relapse and address that first. Perhaps it really IS my emotional side, my need to hide from sex with porn. I need to put things together and use my time more wisely. More for my wife than myself. Getting better for the both of us rather than one person in particular.

    The pains in my legs got bad once again and I woke with unbearable tinnitus and sweating feet again. Looking back at the Lexapro I took and how protracted these symptoms are from when I stopped, it's the most likely culprit now. Hopefully the paws won't last long. When I quit Celexa back in 2016, I had a 4 month period where I itched like CRAZY. I only took that med for 3 days! This has got to be it. Can't let it interfere with my streak this time. Take it for what it is and just push forward, no matter how hard everything gets.

    It's New Year's Eve! Today is the end of day 2. Let's make it a 367 day "no pmo" year. Good luck my friends!
     
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  7. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    End of day 3. First day of no coffee and alcohol.

    I was unbelievably calm today and i dont know why. It feels like my leg pain is waining again and i was pain free since lunch. This is usually the day where my withdrawal is the worst for pmo, maybe tomorrow it will hit me. This is my new norm. I have to keep telling myself that. My old self is done. This is who i want to be. I have to keep reminding myself this. Feeling great, hope i can squeak by the crap i know is ahead of ne.
     
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  8. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    No pmo: day 1
    No alcohol/caffeine: day 6

    Man this was a rough week without beer and coffee. About 2 and a half days in I got the most hellish headache/migraine that lasted for about 3 days. Head is much better now, but dizzyness and depersonalization is at a peak with no artificial dopamine. Just wanted to feel something good for once this week, so a relapse took place of pmo for a few hours. It wasnt my full on binge, i still slept good, but I definitely feel the increase in anxiety today. During the binge, though, i was feeling great! :D:(

    Anyway, i posted on a lexapro recovery board to see if what im feeling is from that one pill. Was basically told it cant be and must be having other issues I need to talk to my doctor about. Fair enough, but i cant help wondering if what im feeling is because i have these insane 8-12 hour porn binge periods every few days. Anxiety hasnt been an issue much lately, more so brain fog/fatigue/muscle pain. My legs are feeling much, much better now, so i guess thats a positive. Feet still sweat profusely even though they never did before that one lexapro pill. I will never take mood alterating medication or substances ever again. (But i still pmo like its nothing?)

    I got deep into another users journal today by the name of ThouShallNotPorn I believe? His journey was awesome to read about. Really makes me think that these 7-10 day stretches arent really doing much to help my brain chemistry. I have no depression or life problems aside from the fear of sex because of my PE. If i didnt have these damn symptoms, id be loving all that life has to offer!

    Here we go again. Atleast those evil headaches have passed. No urges to drink coffee or alcohol whatsoever. Gotta stay positive.
     
  9. Merton

    Merton Member

    I know how you feel about long porn binges. In the past, when I was PMOing every day, my sessions were usually no longer than 30 min. These days, if I relapse, then it is not uncommon for the session to be over 3-4 hours. I feel at the time that I have to see everything I missed out on. It is really crazy, and the consequences seem to just fly out the window. I keep telling myself "I'll get 7 hours of sleep if I go to bed now. Now 6 hours. Well, I can sleep in my office tomorrow ..." After these sessions I get really bad muscle pains and brain fog, as you mentioned. One particularly bad time, I got back from a trip and had PMOed that day. When I got home, I left my car door open for hours. I had no idea that I had not closed it. What on earth was I thinking??
     
  10. Neilk

    Neilk New Member

    I read your whole post and almost thought I wrote it. I found porn when i was a early teen and had a great sex life in my late teens early 20s. After my accident i used porm more and more to escape life to escape depression. I craved it more than sex. It was a rush to see all these women. I developed desensitization along with some ED quit pmo for a short while and when my dick seemed to work again fell back in to the trap. Over and over. Hours long a night binging. Started with sweating and body odor. Fight or flight syndrome when wife would want sex. Headaches \ migranes after pmo, then came ed and pe. For over 10 years id been dealing with this. Im going strong fighting every urge to want to look since the new year. I haven't pmo since. Had a few shaky irritatable nights but fought through it. Im almost at 10 days. Its a struggle every day but I will beat this addiction. Best of luck to you
     
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  11. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    This is me to a T brother. I will agree that my muscles pains and brain fog do peak at those times after i binge, and by day 7-10 im feeling better again. The cycle of addiction, i believe this is called? :p Do you get real cravings? Like when youve been without porn for over a week or two, do you get these instant shots of dopamine that last for a fraction of a second, similar to the feeling you get when youre watching it? Thats how i know im addicted, because nothing else gives me these random shots of dopamine. I always think im a special case, but im just like any other addicted. I want to add that i didnt start getting these random shots of dopamine before i had post orgasmic symptoms. Obviously related.

    Dude, im so glad you posted this. This is like reading a page straight out of my own journal. Do you get post orgasmic symptoms a few days after sex too? I wouldnt be surprised if you did. For about a year i thought i had post orgasmic illness syndrome, but these symptoms only started after my pmo addiction got out of hand. I also get fight or flight during sex, like when the clothes come off my heart starts racing AND I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. This is surely conditioned from the porn as i feel the same way when i watch it. Porn is probably causing my PE. Thanks for following my journey!

    No Caffeine/Alcohol: day 10
    No pmo: day 5

    I had three sips of my wifes coffee yesterday because she wanted me to try this new flavor our local coffee house started brewing, so im not considering that a relapse. I didnt even feel any of the effects of the caffeine. Its been surprising easy to stay off all three of these things, because ive found my panacea, its....

    EXERCISE!!!

    After my last porn binge i was feeling so low on myself, so i said "screw this, you want to feel like garbage all the time? Youre going to do it while working out everyday, might as well feel the same way physically because you already feel like shit." My blood pressure was 130/78 that day which is high for me, so away i went on the tredmil for 4 days.

    Holy cow my anxiety is nonexistent now. Depression gone. People underestimate the power of MOVING YOUR BODY! No more mood meds for me, ever. Been playing with my kids a lot more, being interested in things not the internet now, not feeling like i have to stalk this board now. I dont even want to pmo (obviously the urges will come, but not even a trace of them are on the horizon). If youre having problems with anxiety, get it cleared with your doctor if you should exercise. Im on top of the world right now. No headaches, no pins and needles, no nothing weird. Lets get life like weve been suppose to, like humans have for thousands of years before the internet. Itll do you wonders.
     
  12. Merton

    Merton Member

    I know exactly what you mean here. I almost never got this before trying to quit. I usually describe this time as "critical moment," or the time where your decision really matters. If you manage to get through it, you get stronger, and if you don't, you step back in recovery. It is a very intense moment, and usually comes when I have been slightly entertaining ideas to use. Then some scene will come into my head, and I will think about it vividly. At this point, my heart starts beating strongly in my chest, my mouth dries, and I feel like I have to go to the bathroom (that part is weird but I think related to the connection between GI system and chemical response). If I do not act on it, after a few minutes it dies down.
     
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  13. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Yup, this all happens to me too. Talking about the bathroom thing (which isnt weird because i get it), when im not watching porn or pmo for a few days, i get extremely constipated. Once i make that decision to relapse, i get extremely...gassy? Freaking weird. Ill get an hour into a binge and once the dopamine has been pumping for a while, all the constipation will go away. This garbage is truly messing with my body!! Its like my physical digestive system has grown accustomed to function better while on porn. Freaky stuff.
     
  14. Neilk

    Neilk New Member

    I haven't had sex in over a year. We have fooled around and got a bj a few times. I feel normal after doing sexual stuff with her. No real symtoms like with pmo. Except usually im horny for the next few days and i have to fight through the urges. For instance just before new years we got intimate for the first time in over a year. 2 hour massage for her follwed by using a toy on her bringing her to orgasm since i knew i probably would be able to. She then gave me a bj. Next day i was on a high. Tried doing the same thing but i couldn't get her off we were also both really drunk from.cocktails as it was nye. Spent the next 4 to 5 days thinking about sex fighting urges to pmo now im on day 10 i think. I will have to keep better track of my symptoms as we are trying to get out of our year slump and be intimate again
     
  15. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    I hear you. I would prefer NOT to have sex right now, but i cant tell my wife no or she'll ask why (has no idea about my pmo addiction and would be furious if she did). You said you had pe as well as ed before from pmo. Have you ever tried to masturbate and been completely flaccid, and right before you orgasm, you get erect for maybe one second? Ive never had ed to the point where i couldnt have sex, but ive had this happen to me before and figured i was on a slippery slope to full blown pied. Freaked me out and then quit porn for like 2 weeks. Never happened to me again, but i feel like its creeping in that direction again. Gotta be careful!
     
  16. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    No caffeine: day 1
    No alcohol: day 11
    No pmo: day 6

    So i slipped up yesterday evening and had a coffee with my wife. We bought my favorute french vanillia kind a local shop here in town brews. Its infinitely better than any store bought bag, but when i drank it it didnt taste as good as id remembered it. I also didnt eat very well and today my joints and leg muscles hurt and im on edge again. This happens where ill drink coffee sometimes after i havnt pmo'ed in a while and itll affect my negatively. Ive also quoted Gary Wilson on this forum as saying that withdrawal from porn and pmo will cause an inability to process stimulants. This rings true, as when i try to drink coffee after withdrawling from porn for a few days, it seems like the caffeine buzz lingers into the next day. Maybe if i ever want to drink coffee again, ill have to be a few months removed from porn. Worth a shot.

    I also didnt exercise yesterday, so i think it was a perfect storm to create an anxious state. Gonna make a smoothie with 4 different fruits for lunch with some lean turkey and hop on the tredmil. No urges at all to watch porn or pmo, so thats making things easier. Live and learn.
     
  17. Neilk

    Neilk New Member

    Yes sometimes i can maintain a erection during M for a few minutes sometimes 10 or 15 with stimulation but that is usually when i haven't M for a few days. There have been alot of times ive beat off limp until I get a boner the last minute before cumming.
     
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  18. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    So I know this is primarily a board for pmo and pornography addiction, but I came across something today that I feel applies to something I've been dealing with, something pmo and my addiction might have in common.

    Ever since my pmo/porn addiction got bad in 2015, I noticed my ability to handle caffeine has seriously waned. I used to be able to drink 3 huge cups a day, sometimes 4 if I went out and bought a large from DD or Starbucks. I use to guzzle this stuff, but now half a cup makes me crazy pants full of anxiety. I know getting older has it's drawbacks when it comes to our brains ability to do things we once were able to (drinking lots of beer and never getting bad hangovers, running around all day and night without any repercussions). When it comes to caffeine, though, I thought my transition from guzzler to dropper drinker happened overnight. It is noticeably worse when I'm withdrawing from pmo/porn, but why? What's making me so inept at metabolizing this stuff?

    Well it turns out our bodies metabolize caffeine through a liver enzyme called CYP1A2. It's from a class of liver enzymes called P450, and if I remember correctly, I saw this mentioned about a year ago on cure-erectile-dysfunction.org (Dr. Richards site, many know him, Gary Wilson thinks his claims of sexual exhaustion are actually symptoms of adrenal fatigue). I dug deeper today and found out that people with low CYP1A2 have a hard time metabolizing caffeine, in turn making them very anxious and sensitive to it's effects. On the other hand, if you have a lot of CYP1A2, the effects of caffeine won't affect you much.

    A seperate problem I'd been having since 2015 is that I'm extremely sensative to the effects of acetaminophen (Tylenol). I never take it anymore because it makes me crazy anxious and it gives me incredible amounts of energy. Reading the CYP1A2 wiki today, I came across this...

    "The enzyme's endogenous substrate is unknown; however, it is able to metabolize some PAHs to carcinogenic intermediates. Other xenobiotic substrates for this enzyme include caffeine, aflatoxin B1, and paracetamol(acetaminophen)."

    Ah-Ha! So liver enzyme CYP1A2 is responsible for metabolizing caffeine as well as Tylenol! This explains why I can't handle either of those substances in any amount any longer. But why? What changed about me? Does the constant flow of adrenaline for hours on end alter the workings of liver enzymes? Another inducer of CYP1A2 is insulin. I get insulin resistance after binges sometimes. Is my pmo addiction screwing with my bodies ability to accurately use insulin, leading to liver enzyme CYP1A2 not functioning correctly? It's known that chronic stress can alter the function of a variety of organ systems, but is that enough to change the way you metabolize drugs? Could all be nothing, but you have to wonder!

     
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  19. Neilk

    Neilk New Member

    Interesting. I love coffee and drink 2 to 3 large cups a norning to get me going. I have a hard time getting going if I dont get it. I also find myself being fairly stressed out almost daily. But life has kicked my ass this past 2 years. I moved back home from across the country after moving away for 2 years for a job that didn't pan out. Had a kid after i got home. Got a new job company went bankrupt after i worked there 10 months. Days after i signed the papers on our house. Forcing the wife to go back to work full time while i searched for a job. I ended up starting a lawn care business due to needing flexibility with child care. Daycare was not an option for us. Cost and personal reasons. So i became a stay at home dad and worked on weekends to bring in some cash for us. Leaving me alot of time with our kid. My ability to handle stress went out the window. Im almost constantly on edge i feel at times my anxiety makes my heart feel like its goinf to explose on inside. I attributed this anxiety to all my external stressors while it may only be a part of the reason
     
  20. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Man we're pretty similar in regards to our life circumstances. I'm also a stay at home parent, except I have 3 children and have done this rodeo now for about 9 years. I know it's negatively impacted my physical body and shape. I used to be able to have sex for as long as I wanted with my wife before we had kids. I was working hard physical factory jobs at that point, and my body was in the best shape it's ever been. Fast forward 9 years and I'm in my mid 30's in the worst shape of my life because I'm in my house all day. I have no lasting time during sex and my PE is through the roof. My pelvic floor is like swiss cheese and I have no tone anywhere on my body.

    I'm really not sure why I can't drink coffee like I used to, but I know that this happens to some people and it figures it's happened to me. I can analyze it any way I want, but it doesn't change the fact. Back in September I was back to drinking a cup of day with no issues and it was great. I tried taking Lexapro the week before Thanksgiving and it gave me panic feelings all day, and ever since my body has not been the same. I'm always stressed out again, I can't drink any coffee and my body hurts all the time. After taking ONE PILL! What the hell is that? I just want to feel like a normal person again like I used to for 29 years of my life before I turned 30. Been feeling like this for 3 or 4 years now. I hate it. BUT, it started when my porn addiction got to the point where I started getting cravings, real cravings, like spikes of random dopamine and porn enters my mind. Has to be the reason I'm so messed up mentally now. Only one way to find out, and I haven't been able to go past 25 days since I started feeling like this. My counter says 13 days but it's really day 5 today since I relapsed almost a week ago. Here we go (again).
     
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