You know, i've always tried to pinpoint some sort of emotional driving force behind this addiction, but i really cant seem to connect anything. Growing up, my mother was an alcoholic and my dad worked hard for not much money. Despite this, my mother was never abusive and my dad was always sorta involved in things my brother and i did/liked. My mom would only binge drink on the weekends, although sometimes she would pick fights with my dad or i. I cant really say it affected me though, i was always into my music or video games i enjoyed. She got sober when i started highschool, but the impact on my life wasnt any different. My dad got higher positions at work and we eventually moved when i was 17. I dont feel like anything they did affected me emotionally. I have a great family now with my wife and 3 kids. I dont ever feel compelled to drink or smoke, and i only do so in very small quanties (maybe 2 or 3 beers a week, never smoke, dont use any drugs). I would say the hugest driver for using porn to me is boredom. I havent worked in 7 years since any salary job i would get would be completely funneled into child care. My wife has a very high paying position, and the fact she works only 3 days a week means we spebd plenty of time with family and each other. This is kinda odd, but it also gets pretty deep here so sorry if it weirds you out. Ive developed very bad PE over the years as youve heard me talk about, but another force in this is that one of my pmo fantasies is having my wife sleep with other men, primarolly those who have much better endurance and lasting time. Im never excited about sex anymore because of my PE issues, its almost a stress for me. With pmo, i can watch as long as possible and never have to worry about PE. Its more enjoyable that way. Ive also actually suggested the other partner thing to her and she was totally against it. I dont understand why she wouldnt want that need met when im completely OK with letting her do that. I dont even want anything in return, i have no want or need to have sex with other women. But again, this plays into my fantasy of her having sex with someone else, a fantasy i completely subscribe to during 90% of my times binging. Its like im looking for videos that i can image other guys doing with her (and not even bad stuff, just regular sex where the girl is loving it, which explains why i watch primarly homemade stuff that couples post). Man im weird, lol. Other than that, i love eberything i occupy my time with. When i go without pmo for 2 weeks straight, all the anxiety and depression melts away and im normal. But then im bored. Then i remember the binges. My kids are almost all in school now, maybe its time to get back to work? All of my binges take place when my wife is at work night shift and all my kids are in bed, which usually happens around midnight until the sun comes up. Maybe i hate sex now because im insecure about my ability to last in bed, i dont know. I should work out more but i dont. I know sitting at home all day probably atrophied all my kegal muscles and i have no control down there. 10 years ago when i worked at a factory and lifted boxes 6 days a week my ability during sex was practically superman-like, but even then i was addicted to porn, albeit not nearly as bad as i am now (sessions usually would last an hour a week tops). I think going from my 20s to 30s also didnt help, which is usually when anxiety disorders and depression come out. Neurotransmiters dont work as well, and hangovers after binges started getting physical. My mother told me her anxiety didnt start until she turned 31. Very much in line with me. I dont have anything to be anxious about though. I think raising kids is incredibly easy, and everyone always tells me i need a break but i just dont feel like i do. They say "dont they stress you out?" And i always seem confused because i dont feel stressed at all. What does stress me out? How i feel after porn binges for nearly two weeks. Since i cant go longer than 2 weekz without watching/binging, it means ive felt like crap for 2+ years now when i felt this thing starting. I think all that post binging feels are what gave me health anxiety. When i had my first panic attack that sent me to the ER in 2016, ive always been on high alert since then. Conversely, when i abstain from porn for 14+ days (only done it twice since the ER trip), i feel back to normal. Like i should. Sorry this was so long. I was glad to get that stuff written down. I know if i beat my PE issues ill have a lot more confidence in bed, and probably have less fantasies about my wife with other men. That combined with working out might pull my health togethrr enough to make me stop having health anxiety, and kicking the pmo forever would fix me altogether. You know, for the whole time i write this i didnt even notice the weird leg numbness or pain. Maybe that too is psycosomatic. I didnt really notice it until i read about Guillian Barre syndrome after my flu shot last month. For me, the less i know about things the better i am. Who knows whats wrong with me physically, probably nothing. My blood pressure yesterday was 121 over 78, its usually 115 over 60-70ish, so im still relatively healthy. All my muscles on the otherhand? Not toned or worked at ALL. Phew! What a mess. Day 1 today. Make of this what you will. Sounds like I have a lot to fix in the meantime.