Draining the grotto of my pornographic mind

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Intothewild89, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    End of day 6.

    Yesterday was bad. I mean real bad. I was having high anxiety for maybe 8 straight hours for no reason. I dont think I could have left the house if I wanted to. Luckily it was Sunday. Took a break from the caffeine today and felt worlds of magnitude better. No anxiety at all today. Gary Wilson was right, the body has an inability to process stimulants while in active withdrawal. Always happens to me around these times.

    I know its from the porn. This is exactly how I felt last pre-binge to make sure it was the porn and I was right. Its contributing to all that is wrong in my life. Hating porn more each day now.

    One week down tomorrow! Glad the anxiety is lifting. Cruise control time. String up those days!
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Congrats on the 1 week! It is really crazy that porn induced anxiety can be so severe. I hope that even when times are bad during this reboot you will stay aware that ponr only makes things worse. Long term satisfaction above instant gratification. Still doing the squats? Great you stay away from coffee. I should too.
  3. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    End of day 8.

    All of my anxiety is completely gone. Since quitting caffeine 3 days ago, I'm feeling as mellow and calm as I've been in nearly a year. This is also when the cravings hit hard because I know I'm feeling better.
    Thanks man. I actually haven't been doing much in the PE department, really just trying to get over the addiction first. I actually have absolutely no desire for sex right now (but would totally entertain a pmo relapse, sadly). Gotta be part if the process. It's actually been 7 days since my last O, which is really long for me. Partly why I'm feeling so balanced I think. This streak has to he my last, meaning I can't ever go back. I'll just have to start over again and feel worse about myself. Anytime I think it's a good idea, I just remember back to Sunday night and how bad my anxiety and hot flashes were. Loving life right now, been playing a lot of music. Hope my wife doesn't ask to do it, really not in the mood this week. Knowing it only lasts for a few minutes puts me off anyway.

    Looking forward to tomorrow and double digit days beyond.
  4. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    End of day 9.

    Had that sex I was not looking forward to with my wife this morning, but it actually turned out alright. Like clockwork, I didn't last any respectable time, but after the O I was still hard, so we kept going and she actually had a vaginal orgasm for the first time in forever! It was pretty awesome. I wonder if quitting pmo and walking each day has helped me retain my erection a bit better after O. I hadn't had a release in over a week, so maybe that helped as well.

    Like I always do since getting this addiction, I had a return to anxiety after the O. It was very, very mild though and cleared up within a few hours. It usually takes a few days for it to happen after a pmo binge, so I wonder if it's because my brain chemistry has a chance to down regulate over a period of 72 hours. The last time I did this and got near 10 days, I always experience the anxiety very shortly after, within hours. On pmo binges, I dont feel it for a couple days like I said. Perhaps my neurotransmitter levels are already low while I'm withdrawing, signaling the cascade much earlier than during binge periods. All I know is that I'm feeling great now, so we'll see what happens in a few days. A few testimonials on YBOP say they've had post orgasm anxiety after sex for roughly 6 months after quitting pmo, so I know I'm in for the long haul.

    Time to ditch the single digit days. Yourbrainrebalanced record tomorrow, can he do it?? (Yes, he will). :D
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Happy for you man. You are the one who is inspiring!
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  6. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Man I got some bad anxiety today. This most certainly is tied to the O during sex yesterday. Quoted from a guy rebooting, he writes-

    "Hey all, so after realizing that my porn watching habits were causing my ED issues, I decided it was time to stop completely. After stopping, for the first week I was very irritable, fidgity, etc. I made it to 25 days and ended up having sex with my wife. I had some performance anxiety but nothing too bad, I was able to get through it, and we had a some good old solid sex. About 15-20 minutes. Didn't even come close to losing my erection, which had been happening a lot before. Here is the thing though, the next morning I felt like crap. Before we had had sex I had been feeling pretty amazing. Very sharp, positive, happy, and energetic. And my mild social anxiety had really declined. However the next morning I felt pretty crappy. I was foggy, tired, and I felt like all the positive feelings and energy I had built up was gone. Also, over the 25 days w/o PMO I had started notice my "manhood" had become much more sensitive. But the next day I notice that increased sensitivity was gone. It felt like I had just "M"ed to porn. It was weird. Then last night we tried to have sex again and while I was super hard before we started having sex, right as it was time to enter, I lost it. So my question is can having an orgasm, even from sex with a real woman, set back a reboot? Thanks guys. Need some help here."

    This guy has nearly double the amount of days pmo-free than I do and still got withdrawal symptoms after conventional sex, so I know this is part of the process. I've just never gotten this far without pmo-ing before sex. Like, my habits go pmo/sex/pmo/sex in a biweekly fashion. Now without the pmo, it's like my brain is using the sex orgasm and treating it like pmo. I've read more reports than the one I've quoted above and one guy said he had this for roughly SIX MONTHS post-quitting pmo before it got better. This just made the game that much more important.

    Thanks for your support, guys! Ending day 10 on a positive. The anxiety has lifted a bit since the afternoon, still there lingering but I know it'll fade in a few days. I now have a new phenomenon to measure for the first time in 2 and a half years: how long will it take to come down from normal orgasm without pmo, and subsequent O's beyond? Time to get out the excel sheet and get to work.

    Day 11 tomorrow.
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Getting through day 11 and finally having massive urges. Been thinking about a relapse most of the day, so I thought I'd come here and list my withdrawal symptoms through 11 days. That way I can read back when I feel a moment of weakness and stay the course.

    1) Anxiety (biggest one, usually starts 3-4 days since my last binge and gets bad until day 9 where it levels off)
    2) Headaches/Migraines (the pain is usually on and off around my temples. I sometimes get a weird pressure feeling in my eyes and forehead, like my head is full of water. Feels like my face is inflamed and I need a antihistamine. Usually happens 3-4 days in as well.
    3) Depersonalization (this happens usually a week in when the anxiety fades a bit and I get low on dopamine. It's a feeling you can't really understand unless you've experienced it. It's like feeling like a character in a first person shooter game and someone else is looking out your eyes. Very weird feeling that used to give me anxiety but doesn't anymore.
    4) Depression (get this off and on starting post binge. It's like periods of nothing, like I can't be happy. Its physically impossible, it's really weird. My wife always can tell when I get it, like theres a block in my brain that doesn't let me experience happiness. I dont mind it as much as anxiety but still sucks nonetheless.)
    5) Hot Flashes (I get this as soon as I stop watching the porn, and I think it has to do with the adrenal fatigue I get after long binges. My ears will get hot and I'll feel my body start to prepare for something that never happens.)
    6) Body cramps and Pains (about a week in I'll start getting muscle cramps and pains. Today my legs felt like they were run over by a dump truck. They ached for 2 straight hours earlier this afternoon but now they dont hurt at all. Weird.)

    That's it so far. Anxiety has severely lessened since yesterday. If it stays this way, I'll know (hopefully) that each subsequent O after my last binge should get better and better with each passing week. Going to watch the big ravens/chargers game tonight. Feeling those urges going away as we speak. Moving on from this garbage. Here we go.
  8. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Just wanted to add a few other symptoms I'm experiencing before I forget. Tingling extremities are a big one, happening off and on each day the longer i get away from the last binge. Also, indigestion like you would never believe. I have heartburn literally all the time. Another one would be ringing ears. I get it off and on after I've been a few days away from pmo. Just all these little annoyances that seem to add up. It's the nature of this thing, where I can liken some of the symptoms to that of caffeine withdraw. Had a coffee this morning, so I know it's the porn. Gotta go through it! o_O
  9. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    End of day 12.

    Watched the steelers/saints game today over at my parents house. Took the family with me, had a great pre-christmas dinner and just chilled. This time around I'm really not giving in to the urges. It's like the longer I go, the worse giving in will be. I'm essentially scared to have to start over again from the beginning since the last time i got to 13 days was in JANUARY. Maybe it's a good thing?

    Time to hit the teens running. My personal best is 24 days, which I did last year in the fall. Before that, I hadn't gone 24 days without porn in over 20 years. Time for a change.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It is terrible that you have such severe withdrawal symptoms. Is that only with withdrawal or did you have those problems chronically while acting out frequently?

    I think I know what you mean with the depersonalization. Experienced that (or similar) often after using hallucinogenic mushrooms. Generally just interesting but also once it felt very scary. To me this confirms how much porn can screw the brain and how far we are away of functioning normally. Actually I think most people in western society are not functioning normally. Many people have their addictions. Sorry, rambling now.

    Anyway, you're doing great! Stay as strong as you are now!
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  11. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    While using porn actively, I dont get any of these symptoms for at least 3 or 4 days. If I dont relapse by then, the cascade of symptoms start. You also have to realize I've had one 3 oz. Cup of coffee in nearly 2 weeks, so that's also playing a factor. It's like I'm detoxing from 2 drugs. My anxiety is much, much less these past few days. The last O I had with my wife seems to be giving me much less hardship than I thought it would, only a day and a half of anxiety and now I'm close to being back to normal again. This thing will probably take at least 3-4 months before I start feeling better. I talked with a guy in Norway who was a massive porn addict and he got rid of his POIS (post orgasmic illness syndrome) symptoms by abstaining from porn, but he told me "I had the same exact symptoms as you. It took between 6-12 months before they went away. Closer to a year." - This is me. I've watched porn like this for nearly 10 years when high speed porn became available. I know everything I'm experiencing is from the addiction. Mostly the anxiety is gone, my main problem now is sore muscles, bad fatigue and off and on depression. Ocasional insomnia as well. All from sluggish dopamine and a wrecked hpa axis.

    I dont think people here realize how badly I binge when I do. I've had some binges last 9-12 hours straight watching porn. Most seem to watch for an hour or two. I had horrible sleep last night because the urges were waking me up every 2 hours. This stuff is the real deal. Thanks for the support man! I hope you're back on the wagon as well.

    Day 13 today!
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2018
  12. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Back to 0.

    I was feeling so lethargic today. I couldn't tell if it was the porn making my muscles and whole body hurt or the lack of caffeine. After some hours of binging, I'm still feeling body ache. Pretty sure it's the caffeine withdrawal.

    Gonna give another go at this. I think one of my biggest triggers is actually not knowing if what I'm feeling is from pmo withdrawal or something else I either do or dont know. That feeling scares me into testing myself, seeing if I can recreate the feeling of being on top of the world. After this most recent binge however, I haven't been able to. These symptoms, the numbness/ears ringing/muscle and body ache, they've happened to me before when quitting caffeine for 7 months back In Late 2016. I wish I would have made a journal back then. Oh well.

    It's been almost a month since no alcohol, so I think I can rule that out. Maybe I should give the caffeine withdrawal another few weeks before quitting this pmo thing entirely. It's like I don't even want to watch it, I'm just doing it to make sure what I'm feeling is from that source of addiction. Man I'm so messed up lol.

    A new day awaits. Would be kinda cool to finally beat the pmo habit on Christmas day. :D
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Back to day zero of your current streak, ok. But don't confuse that with being back to 0. Reading what you went through and the lessons you have learned from yourself, the last weeks were amazing progress. Learn from this and make it part of tje progress.

    A while ago I also stopped with coffee. After a week the headaches cleared up and I felt more relaxed in general. I generally felt really slow and down though for a long time. Actually until I started drinking coffee again. I want to give it another try soon. I didnt give up black tea though. Maybe to really feel better caffeine-wise and get feeling energized again I should cut out all caffeine.
    Intothewild89 and Merton like this.
  14. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I definitely second the comments about not being back to a full zero. I always try to remember that I only fail if I stop trying.

    I have not yet followed your caffeine withdrawal. I stopped all caffeine 16 months ago and tapered down. It led to only a few days of misery in the end. When I started I was having 2 coffees per day. Then I switched for a week to a coffee and a black tea. Then a week with coffee and green tea. Then a week with coffee and herbal tea. Next a week with black tea and herbal tea, a week of green tea and herbal tea, and finally two herbal teas. When I got down to only herbal teas I had a few days of headaches but it was over quickly. In the years prior to giving it up I had been up to 4-5 coffees per day.

    Anyway good luck!!
    Intothewild89 and Gil79 like this.
  15. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Day 4.

    Thanks for the comments guys. Merton is right, i dont think quitting coffee would give me this much grief given how much i was drinking, which wasnt a lot. The more likely culprit which ive come to figure is a pill of Lexapro my doctor wanted me to try and get on back in the end of November. It has a really long half life, so it was in my body for about 5 or 6 days. Since taking that one pill, ive had extreme sweating in my feet, the off and on ears ringing, pins and needles feeling, and about 12 days after that one pill cleared my body, an intermittent, hot burning sensation on the top of my left foot that refuses to go away. Then again, one pill doesnt even have time to build up in the body and theoretically should cause no symptoms whatsoever. Ugh.

    And then again, since the Christmas binge, ive been drinking coffee and beer again and ive been feeling the best ive felt in weeks. Ive been having one cup of coffee in the morning and a 12 oz. Bottle of beer at night before bed. Thought these things might be why im feeling better, but today the anxiety and discomfort have begun because its been 4 days since my pmo binge. I guess the timing was perfect though, as we visited a ton of family in the last few days and i was able to ride the feel good brain chemistry of the binge until now. The wife goes back to work this weekend and all the relatives have left. Time to shut in for the weekend and get past the initial anxiety push till day 10 where it levels off again.

    I re-read back through my journal today and realized i binged on Christmas morning because i was worried about feeling so lethargic and sore muscled. I should have known this was a trap. According to Husband Help Haven' 12 week porn withdrawl timeline (http://husbandhelphaven.com/porn-addiction-withdrawal-walkthrough/), I should have expected this for the next two months. They write,

    "Zombie-like State – Because your brain has been deprived of its regular Dopamine highs, it’s common for abstainers to enter a sluggish, zombie-like state. Expect low energy levels to last anywhere from two weeks to two months."

    Im a heavy user as well, so closer to two months sounds likely for me. The sore legs have completely vanished ever since my binge. Im also having ZERO libido during those days, which is also mentioned there. The author of the article said his symptoms didnt turn the corner for atleast 4 months. I also noticed that he wrote the anxiety tends to start around day 3 and can last for almost 3 months, yet tends to taper off significantly by 1-3 weeks in. All my symptoms to a T.

    So im in this for the long haul now. Giving myself two more months to be conservative, i can expect to feel back to normal by the start of Summer here in the states. Who knows why i feel the way i do with all the symptoms. Caffeine withdrawal, alcohol, that Lexapro crap, or even the pmo addiction (which seems to treat me the worst), going cold turkey off all those dopamine rides should give me a clear answer by the time I break out the athletic shorts and T's. Atleast by then, I wont be able to blame these substances anymore.

    I think over the next 4 days ill recoup from the coffee and beers and hit New Years with a renewed purpose. Ill be at a week free of pmo by then, and ill be just getting started with my new life decisions. Here we go.
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I also hear you about the lexapro. I used to take a similar drug for around 9 years. When I got off of it, it really changed my life. These drugs have the potential to make substantial changes to our lives. Learning to live and cope without the medicine has been a struggle during the past few years, but I have slowly been learning.
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  17. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Back to zero again.

    I think it's interesting how this addiction is so hard to kick, yet in a matter of 2-3 weeks of abstaining, I always feel on top of the world. For how much it's plagued me in the past 2 and a half years, you'd think I'd stick out half a month of feeling like crap to get back to my normal self. The weird ear ringing and numb extremities are still happening, which kinda sorta led to the relapse. Remember all that garbage I blamed it on? Pretty sure I know what it is now, and of course I didn't put 2 and 2 together until my binge ended this morning early around 7am (yup, pulled an all nighter. It's 9:11PM and I haven't slept since the night previous.)

    So what is it you say? I started diffusing lavender oil pretty much 'round the clock about 3-4 weeks ago. When I'd run it at night before bed, I'd notice my ankles feeling VERY sore and my legs basically like jelly every morning, where they get better by evening and then do the same thing the next day. Well, on some days I was diffusing that stuff for nearly 8 hours during the day as well, and on THOSE days I would get these terrible, terrible leg cramps. I hadn't diffused it in nearly a week during the day and saw a reduction in symptoms. Wife got me a new diffuser for Christmas and went back to running it during the day. Return of horrible leg cramps and sore joints/ringing ears/weird numbness yesterday.

    This isn't the first time oils have bitten me. I tried doing CBD oil back in the summer and it went well at first, but then I started getting numb hands and feet after a week or two of continuous daily use. I think this is similar. No more oils I guess.

    Anyway, none of this excuses the binge. I need something I can turn to in times of temptation, like a list of reasons why it will affect me negatively after I do it or something uplifting like a play list of instrumental guitar tracks I dig. At any rate, I'm still on point to meet my New Year's resolution. No more pmo, no more alcohol, and a morning coffee on occasion if I'm feeling up to it. I don't think that's too bad, and certainly better than how I'm managing now.

    Time for bed.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not back to zero, but an experience richer I would say. Though it is shitty to get to senses realizing that there's probably quite a hangover ahead of you. Know all about it.

    What makes this addiction so complicated is that there's not just the physiological aspect of the addiction (dopamine/ reboot stuff), but also A) the general memory/ habit of your body and mind that easily makes you fall back into patterns that you are used to for many years, and B) the use of porn to avoid physical and emotional pain.

    In 'recoverynation' it is very well explained how for the last process there's always a balance between your need to act out and the willingness to accept the consequences of acting out. Further away from your last session the negative consequences seem more trivial and easier to accept, whereas the chance for a situation that makes you want to act out increases.

    I notice that you largely focus on the physiological/physical side of the addicition. Could it be that you are underestimating the emotional aspect of it? Are there certain specific emotions or situations that you're avoiding by acting out at present but also in the past when you started using porn?

    My apologies if I come across intense. Just speaking from my own experience and very well aware that I am always projecting when I write in the journals of others.

    In any way, you're doing a great job here. A relapse us not a big deal in the bigger picture. Keep going!
    Intothewild89 and Merton like this.
  19. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    You know, i've always tried to pinpoint some sort of emotional driving force behind this addiction, but i really cant seem to connect anything. Growing up, my mother was an alcoholic and my dad worked hard for not much money. Despite this, my mother was never abusive and my dad was always sorta involved in things my brother and i did/liked. My mom would only binge drink on the weekends, although sometimes she would pick fights with my dad or i. I cant really say it affected me though, i was always into my music or video games i enjoyed. She got sober when i started highschool, but the impact on my life wasnt any different. My dad got higher positions at work and we eventually moved when i was 17.

    I dont feel like anything they did affected me emotionally. I have a great family now with my wife and 3 kids. I dont ever feel compelled to drink or smoke, and i only do so in very small quanties (maybe 2 or 3 beers a week, never smoke, dont use any drugs). I would say the hugest driver for using porn to me is boredom. I havent worked in 7 years since any salary job i would get would be completely funneled into child care. My wife has a very high paying position, and the fact she works only 3 days a week means we spebd plenty of time with family and each other.

    This is kinda odd, but it also gets pretty deep here so sorry if it weirds you out. Ive developed very bad PE over the years as youve heard me talk about, but another force in this is that one of my pmo fantasies is having my wife sleep with other men, primarolly those who have much better endurance and lasting time. Im never excited about sex anymore because of my PE issues, its almost a stress for me. With pmo, i can watch as long as possible and never have to worry about PE. Its more enjoyable that way. Ive also actually suggested the other partner thing to her and she was totally against it. I dont understand why she wouldnt want that need met when im completely OK with letting her do that. I dont even want anything in return, i have no want or need to have sex with other women. But again, this plays into my fantasy of her having sex with someone else, a fantasy i completely subscribe to during 90% of my times binging. Its like im looking for videos that i can image other guys doing with her (and not even bad stuff, just regular sex where the girl is loving it, which explains why i watch primarly homemade stuff that couples post).

    Man im weird, lol. Other than that, i love eberything i occupy my time with. When i go without pmo for 2 weeks straight, all the anxiety and depression melts away and im normal. But then im bored. Then i remember the binges. My kids are almost all in school now, maybe its time to get back to work? All of my binges take place when my wife is at work night shift and all my kids are in bed, which usually happens around midnight until the sun comes up.

    Maybe i hate sex now because im insecure about my ability to last in bed, i dont know. I should work out more but i dont. I know sitting at home all day probably atrophied all my kegal muscles and i have no control down there. 10 years ago when i worked at a factory and lifted boxes 6 days a week my ability during sex was practically superman-like, but even then i was addicted to porn, albeit not nearly as bad as i am now (sessions usually would last an hour a week tops). I think going from my 20s to 30s also didnt help, which is usually when anxiety disorders and depression come out. Neurotransmiters dont work as well, and hangovers after binges started getting physical. My mother told me her anxiety didnt start until she turned 31. Very much in line with me. I dont have anything to be anxious about though. I think raising kids is incredibly easy, and everyone always tells me i need a break but i just dont feel like i do. They say "dont they stress you out?" And i always seem confused because i dont feel stressed at all. What does stress me out? How i feel after porn binges for nearly two weeks. Since i cant go longer than 2 weekz without watching/binging, it means ive felt like crap for 2+ years now when i felt this thing starting.

    I think all that post binging feels are what gave me health anxiety. When i had my first panic attack that sent me to the ER in 2016, ive always been on high alert since then. Conversely, when i abstain from porn for 14+ days (only done it twice since the ER trip), i feel back to normal. Like i should.

    Sorry this was so long. I was glad to get that stuff written down. I know if i beat my PE issues ill have a lot more confidence in bed, and probably have less fantasies about my wife with other men. That combined with working out might pull my health togethrr enough to make me stop having health anxiety, and kicking the pmo forever would fix me altogether. You know, for the whole time i write this i didnt even notice the weird leg numbness or pain. Maybe that too is psycosomatic. I didnt really notice it until i read about Guillian Barre syndrome after my flu shot last month. For me, the less i know about things the better i am. Who knows whats wrong with me physically, probably nothing. My blood pressure yesterday was 121 over 78, its usually 115 over 60-70ish, so im still relatively healthy. All my muscles on the otherhand? Not toned or worked at ALL.

    Phew! What a mess. Day 1 today. Make of this what you will. Sounds like I have a lot to fix in the meantime. ;)
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I can relate to having a hard time associating PMO with emotional pain. I was confused about this for a long time and only recently realized that with me, PMO might be a way to escape my personality and the structure I put on life. When I am watching porn I get this feeling like the rules don’t apply, and I can make things as extreme as I want in this little time window. I keep wanting to extend the time of the session until I have to go back to normal life. Do you ever get a feeling like that? I think for me, in the alternative land where rules don’t apply, I also do not have to follow all the rules I set up for myself to deal with anxiety (ocd type behaviors and so on) and I feel more free. Do you feel like increased PMO in the recent past is a reaction to anxiety in this way? Just some thoughts. These things are very hard to figure out, if you are not obviously abused or something.
    Gil79 likes this.

Share This Page