Draining the grotto of my pornographic mind

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Intothewild89, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Great to see you're making the right choices. It's relatively easy to do so while feeling well obviously, but the cravings and inner demons will eventually take your "fortress" under siege for sure . Let's hope your walls and gates (and locks ;)) are strong enough.

    For fun I used to imagine that when I become weak and I can't defend my fortress, walls and gates (my brain, my values and my boundaries) nasty creatures and demons (my cravings and the addiction) will wreak havoc inside (act out - binge) until I manage to kick them out again :)

    However sometimes I'd not only not defend my walls and gates effectively but even help those destructive creatures and demons to enter, by self sabotaging my defenses, thus myself, for example by trying to circumvent any blockers or by exposing myself to triggers. The interesting question for me then was: why would I do that?

    Have a nice weekend :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
    Alfie likes this.
  2. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    I totally get what you mean. Not only do we need to fight against the addiction, we must also fight against ourselves. It's like a game of capture the flag where you've almost gotten your opponents flag but at the last second, your buddy switches teams and you get annihilated by the weight of being out numbered. I'm not sure why that always happens. You become somebody you're not, and it always happens. Gotta fight that guy regardless. No way around it.

    End of day 5 today. Still on the daily dose of CBD oil. The anxiety was mild today and yesterday but still not horrendous like usual after a binge. Maybe this oil is really smoothing things over. Regardless, I had cravings for a video I watched last week but realized I had no logical way to view it with all the blocks up. Decided to write more music and mow the lawn instead. I'm happy about my decision to limit the internet. It seems to be working out well.

    More days ahead. Keep on truckin'.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018
  3. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Today is day 2, but a lot learned about myself and my problems.

    The locks aren't going to work, and I'll need to wait until December 5th until I can remove them completely. In my mind, they're acting as
    some sort of "game" that I can partake in to see if I'm able to beat. It's creating an addiction in itself, manifesting to stave off my boredom which is originally driving my PMO addiction in the first place. It's like when I beat them, I get pmo as a reward. Weird. Shit.

    I've thought long and hard about this and I've come to the conclusion that my issues reside in feelings of inadequacy. When the addiction
    really started to ramp up in 2015, that was the year my wife got the copper IUD implanted. It caused a whole host of issues with my premature ejaculation, reducing my intravaginal latency time to literally less than 10 seconds. This fueled my porn use greatly. I'd watch other men able to please women for 5-10-15 even 30 min. with continuous penetration and wonder why I couldn't when I used to be able to. I would watch for hours and literally wish my wife to want
    other guys so she could continue to experience this. The more this went on, the worse my addiction got. I developed panic attacks, brain
    fog, depersonalization, but worst of all I started getting weekly and sometimes daily migraines.

    Migraines are linked to lower dopamine levels as well as low serotonin. When you experience tension, the trigeminal nerve sends impulses to the brain triggering inflammation. When serotonin is low, your body lacks the ability to stave off that inflammation, resulting in dilated blood vessels causing the migraines. Low dopamine also plays a role in the perception of pain, and the sensitivity to triggers. Loud sounds have always triggered my migraines, but more so
    now even when I clang dishes together while putting them in the wash.

    I've read multiple posts on YBOP where people have fixed their anxiety issues as well as migraines with simply giving up pmo for good. Like some of them, I never experienced any anxiety in my entire life until I turned 30, so I know I'm not just making it up. Never had traumas, never been abused, nothing. It's when I started feeling inadequate that the addiction took hold bad, and now that I've been getting much
    better in the bedroom after my wife got rid of the IUD (lasting 5-10 min. again), I need to deal with the addiction.

    I'm going to try and look at myself as more adequate for now on. Self perception is huge in this thing, and when I stop beating myself for
    feeling like a loser, I think I may just turn this thing around for good. Let's hope.

    Day 2!
     
  4. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    That's it. I'm done. I hate this shit more than anything. I refuse to masturbate with a limp penis and orgasm without an erection. Screw this worthless addiction.

    See you guys on Christmas eve. I'll be clean by then and back to my old self. Day 1 tomorrow, doesn't freaking matter. I'm done counting days. I know a few months away will do me good and I'll be back to talk about the benefits I've experienced by giving up pornorgaphy. Every man has their breaking point of just how much they can tolerate. I've reached mine within the past hour at 2am.

    Good luck friends. We desperately need it.
     
  5. Living

    Living Active Member

    I think the biggest trap of using software to deal with porn is that it becomes easy to rely on it. And if you rely on it, you might work less on more solid approaches to deal with porn. Besides that, a porn blocker means you avoid porn, it doesn't help you deal with porn at all. It works as long as the blocker works (and I guess they can be a great help in getting some momentum going), but you aren't actively learning to deal with porn. To me learning to deal with porn is the only way to get through this.

    It's definitly a healthy thing to avoid a board like this for a while. All this talk about porn doesn't help getting your mind of porn per se. After all, even if you're talking about quiting porn, you're still talking about porn. What helped me while I'm on this board is putting more focus on the direction I want to go (a life I value) instead of the direction I want to get away from (numbing my feelings with porn). Anyway, I hope you do well and that you make good progress during your away-time!
     
  6. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    I really hate that recovery isn’t linear. Today I managed to get back to 7 days, which I haven’t done since the beginning of october. It’s been a rough go at it for a little while, but there’s something kicking me now into doing this that I never thought would. My wife.

    Well, indirectly I guess. Ever since my addiction to porn got bad in 2015, I’ve slowly developed crippling P.E. that I just can’t seem to correct. here and there I do better in stretches, but those sessions really aren’t anything to write home about (maybe an increased minute or 3, but I still can’t control the penetration and I have to try with all my might to hold myself from going to the point where I’m not really enjoying it anymore).

    Anyway, she bought a toy to use during sex, but I know this toy is strictly meant for female use. I’m totally fine with it, but it really shows the writing on the wall that I can’t give her orgasms anymore from penetration. She says she can’t get off during PIV sex anyway, but if sex doesn’t last longer than 2-3 min., how would she know?

    I’m also sick of the anxiety and brain fog. I see guys at gas pumps in the morning with fixed hair cuts and dress clothes, healthy faces and flat stomachs and all I got are sweat pants, tee shirts and a slightly overweight pot belly with no tone on my body whatsoever. I never had this figure until I stopped being involved with friends and playing in bands, and I’m really tired of not taking care of it. I’m back up to 145-150 lbs (I was 135 early in the spring back in February). I think I might do the dopamine challange for 90 days and see if I can just reset everything. No porn, no caffeine, no alcohol, no video games. Who knows if I’ll stick to it though.

    I tried taking Lexapro about 10 days ago but one pill was enough to set me over the edge and I had anxiety attacks all day long. Didn’t even take the second dose and stopped taking them altogether. I still feel weird and porn makes me feel even weirder now than it did before I took the med. isn’t there an easier way? I always feel great after working out but after 3 days of working out I get mad fatigue and brain fog like some sort of adrenal fatigue. I’m assuming my porn addiction is adding to this, and coupled with my wife taking the initiative to pleasure herself, I need to change. I need to do it now.

    So here we go again. Like I said, I hate the non-linear nature of this. I was feeling anxious and weird yesterday morning, then by the afternoon I was great, on top of the world and feeling completely fine. Then this morning and most of the day I’m down again with anxiety for no reason and massive brain fog. Anyone else see these highs and lows by the hour during early withdrawal? Tomorrow will be day 8.

    Back at it brothers. Let’s give this another go around.
     
  7. Londoner

    Londoner Active Member

    How tall are you?
     
  8. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    I’m 5’7, but I’d always been under 125 lbs until I got into my late 20’s.
     
  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I don't know how much you drink, but quitting alcohol will definitely help you to loose weight and, more importantly, abstain from porn. My relapses are almost always indirectly and directly set in motion by alcohol. It just lowers your boundaries too much.

    Don't be too hard on yourself about your performance or how you look in comparison to others. I also suffer from PE. I stopped caring about it and just use my hands more to stimulate my wife. She is OK with it, so why wouldnt I? If you and your wife are both able to enjoy with a toy, then why not? And who knows, maybe it will get better with the brain changes that come with the reboot.

    Definitely at least a part of your mood and anxiety issues are part of the reboot. You're curing from a heavy addiction. Things will get really tough, but the further yiu get, also the easier you get and your perception on yoursrld and how you experience the world will be more positive.

    I would say, keep up the reboot and be careful with alcohol, but enjoy your coffee and videgames. Working out or running, ok, but maybe just once or twice a week? It is important to do this step by step and one day at the time and be patient.

    Good luck!
     
  10. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Thanks man, I think you’re right. It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve had any alcohol. With exercising, I think 2 or 3 times a week is what I should be doing starting out. I think I go into it too hard initially and end up overdoing it multiple days in a row. I think that coupled with porn binges lend to my adrenal fatigue episodes.

    What I hate most is these periods of anxiety that happen for no reason, especially in the mornings after I just wake up. I’m really hoping it’s tied to withdrawal, because on nights where I binge on porn I feel great all the next morning (but then crash HARD the following 4-7 days).

    I’ve been doing deep breathing and meditation the past 3 mornings and I think it’s helping a little, but only for maybe an hour after each session. I know going without porn for 14+ days usually makes me feel back to normal, so I’m working on getting back to that point before working out again.

    Today is day 8. Gonna keep myself busy with music writing and house work. I just finished writing an album and started on the next one last night. I love the natural highs I get from completing tracks. Way better than porn could ever give me.
     
  11. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Day 9 today.

    Yesterday was very nice. I had practically no anxiety or brain fog. I was able to get a lot of stuff done around the house and did Christmas activities with the family. Woke up this morning to some crazy urges. It’s like my anxious energy turns to excitability after a little over a week sober. I really thought last night was going to be a relapse night. Had so much energy from the urges that I slept off and on for about 7 broken hours.

    Hope to occupy myself with football today. Sunday’s always offer a distraction from porn, but I’m going to have to learn how to make my own distractions when the season is over. Going to keep on with this. Praying I make double digit days by tomorrow morning. Head is feeling clearer now. Can only go up from here.
     
  12. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Those broken nights because of urges are the worst. Lack of sleep is an enemy. It increases our need to act out to deal with feeling groggy and lowers our boundaries for acting out. Hope you had a better night after this.
     
  13. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Day 5 today, again. Except this time I have a much better understanding of why things are a bit different for me than everyone else.

    I've been addicted to pmo for a little over 20 years, more so since 2015. What I've learned over these past few years has been inspiring, yet there was one thing I've never been able to share that everyone else has and that's ED. I've never once not been able to get things going with my wife or any person in bed. This stumped me for so long and for a while I thought I wasn't truly addicted to porn. I'm here today to say that I most certainly am.

    Looking at why people get ED from porn, we know that dopamine receptors (specifically d2 receptors) have much to do with the lack of excitement with the real thing. This usually happens as a result of escalating tastes in porn use. The progression happens because we get bored with normal stimulus. Many people start out looking at vanilla porn (cowgirl, missionary, maybe a little interracial here and there), which then escalates when your dopamine response gets tired of the boring stuff. This is where people get low energy, low mood and depression. They notice they can't get erections like they used to. They need more intense stimulation and can often only orgasm and masturbate to certain types of porn.

    I look at myself and I've never escalated past riding videos. It's the genre I've always stayed in, specifically chubby/larger women. I won't delve into my personal life too much, but I've always dated girls that are just like the ones I've seen in porn (just physically, not the way the porn stars act). I've never lost my libido or interest in sex with real women because I watch porn that looks just like these women. To go with this, though, I've suffered worse and worse premature ejaculation in the past few years than I ever have. It's like when I start the sex act, my PONR scale goes from 1-10 in a matter of seconds.

    I've always noticed that when porn started giving me problems, most notably into my 30s, it resembled adrenal fatigue to a T. According to the Pillrs article "101 Porn addiction side effects", they mention number 3 on the list as HPA axis deregulation. Most of us know that adrenal fatigue is more accurately known by HPA axis deregulation. What is the biggest problem with adrenal fatigue/HPA deregulation? Access cortisol. I can watch porn for hours and never escalate to more extreme genres. This means I'm literally on the edge of my seat, for hours, watching the same porn videos I've watched for years, some nights never falling asleep because my dopamine is so jacked that my heart races for hours at a time. It may seem fun, but this is also a form of stress, stress that triggers the fight or flight response. I've been doing this act 2 or 3 times a week, for literally YEARS and YEARS. I'm a fairly skinny guy, but I have a LOT of weight right in my mid section. I get burnt out from even the least amount of exercise, and I have really low body temperature (never above 98) and bad skin (scales all the time) and thin hair. This sounds like classic exposure to too much cortisol, screwing with my thyroid hormones and messing with my ability to sustain any testosterone (I look like a shrimp, no muscle mass, have zero chest hair, basically the complete opposite of a normal guy).

    What happens when cortisol is chronically high? You're body gets low in dopamine and serotonin. You have frequent hormone imbalances. You have a hard time losing weight around your midsection. I think this accurately explains why I never get bored with porn, which in turn keeps my body in an extremely stressful state (hours upon hours of fast beating heart, sweating during pmo, etc.) Half the time I never even orgasm after watching it. This crazed state of continuous adrenaline/dopamine goes on for 12 hours sometimes when I have the house to myself and binge. Some people over masturbate, but I only orgasm once during a binge, if I even orgasm at all.

    Part two of this mystery focuses more so on me being out of shape. I frequent PEGym.com on the premature ejaculation boards. It is common knowledge over there than in order to beat PE, you need to have complete control over your kegal muscles/involuntary kegals. I know my hormones are probably all out of whack from pmo, but my pelvic floor is very suspect, and yesterday I finally put it all together.

    I had the best sex of my life in 2008/2009. Even before those years, I had PE with most of the girls I dated. In 08 and 09, my wife (then fiance) and I had just moved in together out of our parents houses. Sex, like I mentioned, was amazing. I could last literally as long as I wanted (10, 15, 30 minutes). Why? What was so different back then as apposed to my teens and now in my 30's. I was 25 years old. The age didn't seem to matter though. It had to do with where I was working. My job (which I had been working at for roughly 3 or 4 months) was in a warehouse where we lifted heavy boxes and put them on conveyor belts. For 8 hours, I did nothing but squats. I bent down to lift heavy cartons and placed them on moving shelves. Sometimes for 6 days a week. My pelvic floor was practically Superman. As soon as I quit that job a year and a half later, my ability to keep myself from orgasm got worse and worse. I couldn't believe this when I finally realized it this past week. I told my wife and she most certainly agreed that I'm probably wayyyy out of shape down there.

    Anyway, I'm determined now more than ever to quit pmo and porn once and for all. I now know that my chronic use is flooding my body with adrenaline, and in turn, cortisol. The cortisol is draining me of dopamine and serotonin. I also need to work on my pelvic floor like it's my job. Going to buy kettle weights and just squat myself to death after being clean for a while. No more creams, delay sprays. Gotta get my hormones and neurotransmitters in balance as well as my physical self. I have to mediate as much as I was pmo-ing, replace it even. My 34th birthday was just a few weeks ago. I refuse to get halfway through my 30's and still be hung up on this stuff. Here we go!
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  14. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Interesting and very recognizable to me. I have never had ED either, I am also very fast, I have never escalated to other genres, and same sort of binge behaviour. In general very stressed in life. I will give your info on the hormomal another read and some more thought.

    In any way, let's stay away from porn! Looking forward to see more updates.
     
  15. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Yeah man, it's crazy. According to Dr. Romeo Mariano, HPA axis deregulation is a prerequisite for destabilizing mood. Check this out,

    "When one has HPA Axis Dysregulation, the underlying pathophysiology involves problems with the nervous system, endocrine system, immune system, metabolism and nutrition. It is a systemic problem. It has to be approached systematically at several levels. There are numerous vicious signaling circuits that are started, which makes the condition self-perpetuating.

    The nervous system is often shifted to a stressed state - high norepinephrine, low dopamine, low serotonin, low GABA, high histamine, high pro-inflammatory cytokine signaling. Automatic defensive programs are activated in the nervous system, resulting in changes in sleep pattern, loss of energy, loss of motivation, changes in appetite, etc. The shift to a stressed state may be an uncovering of a naturally high stress nervous system or be a compensatory state for problems in the rest of the system. Most doctors don't know how to treat the nervous system because they aren't psychiatrists. One of my observations is that one often cannot optimize endocrine function with bio-identical hormone treatment without also addressing the nervous system when needed with nervous system treatments. "

    All I know is that my normal self compared to my "porn binge" self are two completely different people. If I never watched porn, I would have literally no stress in my life. I'm very fortunate to get along well with my wife (maybe have arguments once or twice a year) and have really well behaved children by nature. It's a self perpetuating cycle of mental illness and feeling like hell all created by my own actions. Time to grow up and accept this as my own. The thought of how good I'm going to feel is what pushes me day by day.

    Day 6 today! Closing in on a week clean.
     
  16. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Day 7 today.

    Man yesterday was bad. My exercise intolerance caught up with me (again) throughout the week and I crashed hard yesterday. I had no energy to do anything and I was feeling constantly stressed out. I have the low floating anxiety that's just hanging around for no reason right now, and I had a bad migraine on Thursday that's still in the post-drome stage. If you look back through my journal in this thread, you'll notice I had a day just like yesterday a few months back. This cycle of idiocy is so predictable, yet I continue to torture my body for no good reason other than to gorge on porn in 8-12 hour binges and write off the remainder of the next 10 days until I feel better enough to binge again. the cycle has got to stop. Anyone else feel like this after relapsing?

    Guess I'll hang out today again in this fog and weird inflammation feeling. In my initial post, I mention I get this weird "balloon in the head" feeling after relapse. It coincides with fatigue, low energy, anxiety and eventually mild depression. Once that weird head feeling goes away, so does my anxiety and depression. I just hate that it takes so long, 2 weeks sometimes. Sometimes if I take Ibuprofen I feel better physically and emotionally, but only for a few hours. Antihistamines also bring some relief. Gotta be inflammation from the binge and excessive exercise when my body just isn't ready for it.

    One week down, again. Will it be my last time going through the initial seven day slog? Let's hope so.
     
  17. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    May be part of the reboot as well. Hang in there!
     
  18. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Relapsed today on purpose. I wanted to see if what I was feeling these past few days was truly from pmo withdrawal, a migraine, or a result of this tong balm I bought for my PE. I put it on last Wednesday night and immediately felt the anxiety and typical migraine-like symptoms within 10 minutes. I'm very sensitive to certain oils, so it was either that or this sudden loud noise I heard earlier that day (whenever I feel my ear drum rattle or distort, I know a migraine is eminent. Heard it earlier that day).

    These past 5 days have been TOUGH. I'll tell you what though, today was really great after binging for a few hours in the morning. My mood, energy and lack of anxiety were in full force. Gilgamesh, looks like you were probably right. Although ever since I put that balm on, I've been getting weird hot flashes in the tops of my feet. Similar things happened when I took CBD oil, so it's possible all oils just dont jive with me.

    We'll see how I feel tomorrow. I really want to go hard at quitting this thing, but I need to know for 100 certainty that's it's truly causing me all of my dire symptoms. (How much is it pmo and how much of it are silent migraines? I rarely get the pain phase but I almost always have anxiety, hot flashes/chills, no appetite, hot ears, the whole hormonal breakdown.

    I'm sure a mess lol. Best keep a low profile the next few days and then take stock of my overall wellbeing. Really trying to make 2018 the last year I watch this garbage.
     
  19. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Back at it today. The pmo that is. I never finished off from yesterday, so I figured I might as well get it over with today after everyone left for the afternoon. Spent about 10 minutes surfing to the "favorite" video and put it to rest. Wayy more anxiety today, back to feeling like I was. It's no fluke that yesterday was the only day all week that I felt good...because I relapsed! Of course I'm going to feel good on that day. It wasn't the lingering? Migraine or tong balm or some weird syndrome, it was porn withdrawal.

    So what follows is 21 days until New Years. Anyone making their silent resolution to quit pmo? I know I have. Today I'm going to work on a callander agenda which should take me into close to next fall. It includes 3 months of rest and meditation/3 months of light yoga and walking/3 months of walking and jogging. 9 months should be good to reset my dopamine/serotonin/norepinepherine system while getting into shape at the same time. My goal is to run a 5k next November. These next 21 days will be filled with activities I should be doing like reading, spending time with family and taking care of the house. No exercise (its just gonna burn myself out until my brain chemistry comes back into alignment), no video games, no coffee (already over a week clean from caffeine) and no alcohol. Is it possible to get back to feeling like I'm 25? Sure gotta find out.

    I know this crap is creating my anxiety, my adrenal fatigue and my premature ejaculation. The worst thing for me is the one thing I just can't seem to kick. Oh well, every relapse is a chance to redeem myself. Like I've always said, time to ride or die. ✌ Day 1 tomorrow!
     

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