Draining the grotto of my pornographic mind

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Intothewild89, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Day 4 today. The past few days haven't been too hard actually. I think its because ive been distracted since Sunday with our Kentucky trip. Took my kids to see a state park today. The calmness of the appalachians leaves me awestruck. I just sat there and watched the lake, noticing the hills and valleys rolling without any end in sight. My soul is feeling very right with this being the end of the porn addiction. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

    My anxiety spiked a little on the ride back but I just told myself this is day 4, typical feelings I was expecting to start surfacing. Headaches have been quite prominent, so hopefully we can weather the worst. Not feeling good about tomorrow, but I'll be ready regardless. Definitely not having any cravings. Time to go swimming.
     
  2. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Day 5. Man the anxiety is bad today. I felt it when I first woke up. It's like a pressure in my head that can't get out. I'm sitting on this hotel bed watching video game let's plays and my right jaw is just aching. My legs are extremely restless and I'm not hungry at all. This is it. This is where withdrawal always bites me BAD. I know its withdrawal, its the same feelings I've been feeling 4-5 days after a porn binge for 3 years now. If I just ride it out and not think sexual fantasies or watch porn, they'll go away around the 2 week mark. God this sucks, though. I can't really exercise since I'm on vacation. I might talk the family into going down to the pool, I could swim it out. I really starting getting cravings this morning when a video I watched last binge popped in my head. It's like I want to rush back into the tube site I watched it at and play it over and over. My brain will get high and all of this uncomfortable shit will go away. But I can't! Hahaha, this is it. I have to just wait it out. I've been thinking of rewriting a novel I published, maybe start getting into that. Anything till the initial withdrawal fades. It's like I WANT the porn, though. Why can't we just watch it without getting these withdrawals!? Its not like were injecting poison into our veins or snorting chemicals, it's a fucking SCREEN WE WATCH. How the hell is that possible!? Ughhh, this day is going to suck. I will perservere. I have no other choice until Saturday, and by then I should be feeling slightly better (but when I feel better, my brain always reasons me into binging like it's not bad for you). I'm in the trenches today. Wish me luck!
     
  3. Man that's cool, I guessed you were a writer! Do it, rewrite that novel or write a new one.

    I'm sorry you're going through withdrawal symptoms. Day 5 is solid progress, you're doing well.

    I also know what you mean, why can't we just watch it when we want to, and for it to be benign or even beneficial. Like a leisurely stroll after a good meal.

    The problem is it fucks our minds and body's.

    Just get through your holiday and get to day 7 as planned, that will be a big achievement. Take stock and re-focus when you're on day 7. You can do it man.
     
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  4. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Hahaha, was it that easy to tell? Thanks for your encouragement, friend.

    With that said, I hate to admit but it was another relapse last night. We had to leave vacation early because we forgot to book the final day. Ended up driving 12 straight hours and getting a massive headache from it. Finally got home around midnight and had a few beers just to relax and ended up watching some clips to masturbate to. It wasn't a long session (not nearly as long as last time) but a relapse just the same. Feeling low about it, still trying to pinpoint what it was that put me into that mode and what I can learn from it. If you haven't relasped this week and have been thinking about it, dont do it. The new scenes aren't going to satisfy you (they never do) and you'll just hate yourself after finishing. Stay strong. Like dejavu, gonna start the counter back to day 1 tomorrow (like last week).
     
  5. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    End of day 2 today. Feeling pretty bad. Not sure why the anxiety started immediately after the binge, but I assume its because I O'ed directly after the binge. I typically wait at least a day and then have a release. I also started drinking coffee again for the past 7 days. Regardless of whatever it is, I'm back on the horse and making some changes this time around. I'm still working on those changes, and I hope to post my method here in a day or two to see if anyone else here could benefit if they're having trouble blocking porn from their lives. I know in the past I've said that porn blockers are just an excuse and they dont really work, but today I'm starting to believe that if you can use a tool to get you away from porn for a sufficient amount of time, possibly you could use that energy and level of healing to propel yourself away from porn forever if you've regained proper willpower/brain stability. Only time will tell, but like I said I'll be posting my method in the coming days here. Going to try and meditate a bit, clear my mind of the jargon surrounding my psyche. Sleep well, friends. On to day 3.
     
    Fry2 likes this.
  6. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    End of day 3 today. Started out reallllly bad. My anxiety was through the goddamn roof and my body was so exhausted from being out in the heat yesterday that my wife could tell I was just not having any of it. I was going to taper off the caffeine but decided to just fuck it and not have any. By 3pm I started feeling the anxiety fade a bit. Doing much better right now. I think staying away from coffee for a few months while I reboot is probably gonna be the best course of action.

    Other than that, haven't had one. single. craving whatsoever. Nothing happening downstairs, and basically told my wife that I don't want to have sex this week because I'm feeling so shitty physically. This is probably the worst I've felt in a long time, but my new system is close to being finalized and hopefully I wont be able to access porn for a very, very long time. This is more just a check in than anything. I may take a day or two off here to finish up my "set up" and post back when I'm feeling better. Keep this train rolling on. Looking forward to day 4 tomorrow.
     
  7. Good to hear of the progress, and continued fight. It really sounds like you've put the foundations in place
    for a successful and continues reboot, if you're not already well on the way. Good luck.
     
  8. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Thanks man, although I dont feel like I've made much progress as of late lol. I remember January being my best month this year, as I only had 1 day of binging on the 15th into the 16th. I felt NORMAL that month, like how i felt before all this anxiety and headache crap started. Now I'm back to struggling with 4-5 day stretches, but I think after today I'll have the keys to finally beat this thing for a while. I'll post my method later today and see if it can't be of use to you as well. Itll take some dedication, though, so be warned lol. Hope you're keeping up with sobriety my friend! How many days is it today?
     
  9. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    End of day 4. Hard day. The anxiety was a little less but I got a series of ice pick headaches that led into a migraine. I think being in the 92 degree heat for an hour and a half on Sunday brought it on, but mannn did it fuck with my anxiety and equilibrium today. I'm feeling pretty good right now since the headache subsided around 4pm. Anxiety is low but my appetite still sucks. I just want the days to start rolling now.

    I posted my protocol and will enforce the locks starting tomorrow. It will be day 5, and hopefully itll be my last day 5. Time to start getting into hobbies/projects I've been putting off, I need to replace this horrendous addiction with something positive and now is the time. Sleep well friends! Still no cravings.
     
  10. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Day 5 today. Feeling much better. Migraine has passed and I only have a slight hangover from it. My anxiety has finally settled down and I feel im getting into that stage past the initial withdrawal. I can finally breathe again lol.

    When I engage the locks on my phone and electronic devices, I wont be able to post here from home. My posts will probably start becoming once a week when I can get wifi at a restaurant or a store. I'll update you guys that way and if somehow I find a way to slip up, that means I'll find a way to post here. Nothing in the foreseeable future, so let's try this.

    Thanks everyone here who has watched me struggle and grow with this addiction over the past month. The big climb for 90 days starts now. On the eve of my 34th birthday, I'll hopefully be back to my rebooted self. There is always time to do the things you've always wanted. I think I'm just now starting to feel like I can believe those words. I feel stronger right now to beat this thing than I've felt in a very long time. Here's to what's next.

    Take care, guys!
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2018
    cjm likes this.
  11. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    All the best mate!
     
  12. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hello mate. Good luck with the new strategy. It certainly helps to make the home a secure place.

    I hope you do well. Get yourself to a meeting if you are ready to make the jump. The rewards far outweigh the pain of making that first step.
     
  13. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Well, that was short lived, lol.

    Was about to set the locks and after I did, I forgot to delete one of the emails with all the codes. This led to a massive overnight binge last night until the morning today. Looks like it's back to day 1 tomorrow.

    That's how it goes though. You see your tiny window closing and realize itll be nearly 3 months until you can pmo again. This is why I need to get past the initial withdrawal for a few weeks and see how I feel when the delta fos b wears away. I got all the locks up now and have deleted all evidence of their passcodes. All emails, screen shots, everything. Time to ride or die.

    I also found a way to post here with the locks still up. This is considered either a sex education or sex health site, so I was able to let it through. I'll be back to posting daily.

    Hope you guys are all doing well! Sucks to be back at the beginning, but I'm never the only one. The ladder only goes up from here, and the locks should be incredibly difficult to bypass where they're at now. Let's do this!
     
    cjm and dig deep like this.
  14. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I'm familiar with this pattern. Whenever I tried to lock myself out I would binge beforehand and then frantically try to circumvent the locks. That's why I gave up on that approach.
     
    Intothewild89 likes this.
  15. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Isnt that weird? It's like were all programmed the same way or something. I'm so glad you made mention of this. It really helps to solidify the fact that this is what it is, an addiction through and though.

    I woke up this morning feeling knackered as HELL. It's like my brain feels like it went on the Scrambler ride at some cheap town homey carnival and it can't recalibrate. You know, last week when I gave up all forms of dopamine (no caffeine, alcohol, porn or orgasm), I felt utterly atrocious, but by day 6 and 7, i actually felt like a normal human again. It's this pattern, this cycle of idiocy that is making me feel like I do.

    I went out to lunch with my wife on day 6 and i had no anxiety or headaches, it was freaking incredible. On day 7, i felt a return of the anxious feelings. This really leads me to believe that withdrawal isnt going to be linear, just like Gary Wilson says on YBOP. The ups and downs are going to manifest just like i described them, and I'll need to give myself the reassurance that what I'm feeling can absolutely be correlated to my porn use.

    Day 1, fellas! If today is also your day 1, I challange you to never look back. You've seen that dead end road one too many times already.
     
  16. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    Son of a gun, this addiction is tricky!

    Had another relapse two days ago as I found an unrelated email with my router passcode from June. Of course I went through all the trouble of bringing those locks down, lol. It took about 25 minutes but that's nothing in the realm of "earning" a multi hour binge. Another binge, another sleepless night on Sunday. I forgot my wife had a dentist appointment in another town an hour away Monday that I needed to drive her to after her nightshift on Sunday night. Man that day sucked. I was a living zombie and even went back to having coffee for a day. Since I wasn't actively in withdrawal by that point, I was able to tolerate it quite well and felt a little bit better, but still all around shitty lol.

    Today is day 2. I swear to God i went through every email, every sent email, every deleted notepad file, ANYTHING I could find that contained those pesky passwords. I spent literally an hour searching all accounts and all devices. I'm pretty sure I'm good now. As Fry said, these as merely distractions and they aren't addressing the real cause of my addiction. I agree with him. Still, I hope with this forced time away I can focus on what I need to do when the passwords are emailed back to me in December. By then I'll need to know how I'll end this addiction on my own merit, or else I'll be right back where I started. YOU CANT REBOOT IN A BUBBLE! Need to find this answer deep down in myself. I know it's there somewhere.

    Boredom is one of my leading relapse causes. Because of the addiction, though, nothing else gives me more pleasure than pmo and maybe writing music. Like I said, I hope this forced time away will help bring down my delta fos b and allow me to find the joy in other activities again. I need more purpose in life.

    On a different note, I started taking CBD oil last night before sex in tandem with the Ky duration spray a half hour before sex. I can safely say my PE problems are rapidly fading. I was able to give my wife an orgasm after a few minutes of continuous pentatration even before I felt the need to O myself. These little wins will surely help me beat the pmo addiction. When I lose the need for it, I should logically not crave it. The question remains, why do I feel I need it if my sex life is getting exponentially better by the weeks and months? Gotta meditate on this, I may just find the answer I've been searching for all these years.

    Again, day 2 today. Need more self control if I'm going to perservere. Gotta work on that as well. Maybe I'm not seeing my self worth, I dont know. It's like I have no respect for myself. I see myself as this trash dumpster who's healthy but not worthy of succeeding. It's like I have no drive to do anything productive academically or professionally. When I see myself this way, I'm happy others are doing well in their respective fields, but for most of my life I've just watched these people from the sidelines. I've never actually considered myself able or deserving of striving for greatness. It doesn't sadden me and I'm not depressed, but maybe this view of myself is the critical factor for why I turn to addictions. Long post today in self reflecting. Time for a home cooked breakfast (cooking is something I actually DO take pride in, everyone likes the meals I make).

    Pride is the word. I have no pride in myself. My actions and my decisions lack pride in any form. Could this be related? Only time will tell.
     
  17. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    I wonder if you could throw out all electronic devices and use a dumb phone. This is my end goal in life, when I can have some kind of cash based business that does not require the internet.
     
  18. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    I actually did this for a month and a half in January and February. I was the most calm I'd been in 3 years, it was amazing. I'd love to go back to it but the service was horrible lol. I couldn't ever make calls and calls that did connect always dropped. It's like phone companies force us to use smartphones now. Likewise, I'd love to go back to pre-internet days. So much happier then.
     
  19. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Your recent episode shows how strong the addiction can be. Too bad for the time we loose when acting out.:confused:

    Maybe you could also just set random passwords and if you really need to access something just reset the device / router.

    But the best would really be to ditch electronic devices at all for a while. I remember the time where I put the computer and the router in the cellar. I still relapsed (which is ridiculous), but less frequent then.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
  20. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Member

    End of day 3 today. Feeling pretty great, but I know that the bigger my binge, the longer it takes for withdrawals to set in. This previous binge was bad, so I'm looking forward to a bad day 4 or 5, give or take. I'm not sure though, this CBD oil is making me way more chill than I usually am. I'll continue to take it and see how it affects me.

    My wife went out to lunch today with a girlfriend of hers and I had the house to myself for roughly an hour and a half. Kids were all in school but since I have all the blocks in place and no trace of the passwords, i wrote some new music during a time where in the past I would have binged until my wife pulled back in the driveway. Such a great feeling making something new. Loving the vibe and my brain/soul is rejuvenated as a result. Can't beat it.

    If these locks hold up, I might actually get to 90 days for the first time since my TEEN years. Wouldn't that be something? I know it's wishful thinking, but I'm all ready for what's to come. I know when I stay busy with music I stand a better chance. Who knows, if I make it 3 months I may just share this album with you guys. ;)
     
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