Hi. I was a frequent poster in the -19 rewiring league a while back, and I deleted my thread about a month ago. The reason I did it at the time was because I felt that it had too much failure in it, and that I had not actually made any progress. I then many times thought about making a new thread, but I didn't for a couple of reasons. Probably the biggest reason is that I have ocd, and when I posted on my thread in the past, I would then go through my day thinking about things that I can write down, and often think about what people could have said in response to what I wrote. Sometimes I would even just think about how what I wrote could be perceived by others, and these are not thought patterns I want to have. I'm now very much aware of these thought patterns though, and I think that I can work through them, while still having a public (sort of) journal about my addictive behaviors, and benefitting from it! Now, this time around I want to be completely transparent. I don't have PIED. I have P induced fetishes, and I usually only get aroused by those fetishes, but recently (past 3-4 months ish) I've noticed (on and off) that I get very aroused by vanilla fantasies that I see in books and movies. The problem is that #1 the arousal is not consistent. For example, if I try to think about being physically intimate with a beautiful women, <10% of the time I will feel very warm and excited about the thought, and also aroused. The other times, I feel tension in my chest, and I guess anxiety and fear are the most prominent feelings. So I recently found out (a few days ago) that this reaction to anything sexual is the cause of a history of sexual trauma in my family. I love my parents a ton, and they also love me, but they did cause me to have intense anxiety around my sexuality. It's now my responsibility though to move forwards. I visited 2 dom's and 1 escort (1 each year for the past 3 years) with the goal of determining whether or not my fetish fantasies were real or P induced (I thought I had a foot fetish for fucking 10 years). What I learned was that #1 I would of rather cuddled with a girl than had all 3 of those sessions. #2 my fetish is 100% without any doubt an accident and then P amplified the fantasy of it 1000x. #3 what arouses me and who I am are completely incompatible. I've now closed the door on sexually experimenting with sex workers. Now I want to journal out of love. I think that doing things out of fear is powerful, but it never lasts. I think that many times when I tried to journal, I would try to convince myself that PMO is a terrible thing, and that it makes me feel terrible and disconnected from everything, which is true, but I think that my quality of life drastically improves when I instead focus on how much more I love my family, and how much more I love certain things when I don't PMO, when I don't visit escorts, and when I don't fry my brain by edging for 3 hours.