Doing it out of love.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Ccman123, Aug 18, 2021.

  1. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Hi. I was a frequent poster in the -19 rewiring league a while back, and I deleted my thread about a month ago. The reason I did it at the time was because I felt that it had too much failure in it, and that I had not actually made any progress. I then many times thought about making a new thread, but I didn't for a couple of reasons. Probably the biggest reason is that I have ocd, and when I posted on my thread in the past, I would then go through my day thinking about things that I can write down, and often think about what people could have said in response to what I wrote. Sometimes I would even just think about how what I wrote could be perceived by others, and these are not thought patterns I want to have. I'm now very much aware of these thought patterns though, and I think that I can work through them, while still having a public (sort of) journal about my addictive behaviors, and benefitting from it!

    Now, this time around I want to be completely transparent. I don't have PIED. I have P induced fetishes, and I usually only get aroused by those fetishes, but recently (past 3-4 months ish) I've noticed (on and off) that I get very aroused by vanilla fantasies that I see in books and movies. The problem is that #1 the arousal is not consistent. For example, if I try to think about being physically intimate with a beautiful women, <10% of the time I will feel very warm and excited about the thought, and also aroused. The other times, I feel tension in my chest, and I guess anxiety and fear are the most prominent feelings.

    So I recently found out (a few days ago) that this reaction to anything sexual is the cause of a history of sexual trauma in my family. I love my parents a ton, and they also love me, but they did cause me to have intense anxiety around my sexuality. It's now my responsibility though to move forwards.

    I visited 2 dom's and 1 escort (1 each year for the past 3 years) with the goal of determining whether or not my fetish fantasies were real or P induced (I thought I had a foot fetish for fucking 10 years). What I learned was that #1 I would of rather cuddled with a girl than had all 3 of those sessions. #2 my fetish is 100% without any doubt an accident and then P amplified the fantasy of it 1000x. #3 what arouses me and who I am are completely incompatible. I've now closed the door on sexually experimenting with sex workers.

    Now I want to journal out of love. I think that doing things out of fear is powerful, but it never lasts. I think that many times when I tried to journal, I would try to convince myself that PMO is a terrible thing, and that it makes me feel terrible and disconnected from everything, which is true, but I think that my quality of life drastically improves when I instead focus on how much more I love my family, and how much more I love certain things when I don't PMO, when I don't visit escorts, and when I don't fry my brain by edging for 3 hours.
     
  2. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 1

    My head feels very heavy this morning, and I think it's a combination of a few things, but of course relapsing is 1 of them.
    I was thinking this morning about how I feel so much love towards my family, and I don't think I would feel this way if I never had a sexual problem and went a couple of years trying to overcome it. I remember when I was in high school I never really thought about how amazing my life is, and I instead would feel sorry for myself. Although I can't have a sexual relationship, my life is pretty awesome sometimes. I'm incredibly grateful for having a family who cares about me.
     
  3. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 2

    I feel very groggy. My eyes are kind of out of focus as well. I'm pretty sure it's because I ate a bunch of carbs before going to sleep, which probably wasn't the best idea. I feel appreciative of my mom and my dog this morning. I watched some videos of people travelling in different beautiful ocean areas, and it made me excited to potentially visit those places at some point in my life.
     
  4. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 3

    I feel much better this morning. I found some music yesterday that I really enjoy, and it will probably keep me happy for a while. I did isolate myself from my friends over the last couple of weeks because I wanted to focus on some other things, and today is one of the days where I don't feel very lonely. I'm looking forward to reading my book later today.
     
  5. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 5

    I'm home alone again for a little while and I have been having some urges but I know that it won't lead to any feelings of fulfilment or happiness. I'm tired of failing to quit, I refuse to fail again. I felt a little rough when I woke up but after reading a little and drinking water I feel much better. There are some things I'm nervous about that I have to do but I'm going to do them anyways. Feeding my cat this morning made me happy.
     
  6. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    I almost relapsed today. I think I'm depressed, and it's making this whole thing a lot more difficult. I struggle to get out of bed again, and I want to quit my job but I can't because I told them I was willing to work while going to school and they're short staffed. I stopped talking to most of my friends because I don't really feel much desire to reach out, and everything seems pointless. I started school today and I'm dreading doing a lot of the work, but there are a few pieces of my school that have me a little excited. I'm going to go have a cold shower now and talk to myself out loud to try and sort out all of these negative feelings. I hate focusing on the negative because I feel like I should be happy. I want to be happy. I told myself that I would become the happiest person on this planet. I think part of the reason why I almost relapsed today (I did slip up) was because I have been so isolated so I haven't seen any healthy relationships. Usually it's seeing happy relationships (even in tv shows and books) that remind me of how much I want to recover, and leave femdom in the past forever.

    I'm glad I took the time to write here, and I'm grateful that a place where I can vent out my feelings exists. I feel a little better now.
     
  7. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    I still have porn + escort related urges but they don't seem to resonate very strongly when they appear. It feels almost like the urge is outside my body and is therefore much easier to simply recognize and not act upon. I felt much better yesterday as oppose to when I wrote my last entry. I'm going to keep moving forwards because I really want to have a loving relationship in the future. I absolutely don't want my past sexual urges to be a part of my life anymore.
     

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