Document the Victory

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by realness, Jul 7, 2020.

  1. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Those minutes everyday for years become years themselves wasted, delivered, like a slave. It saddens me to think of it but also gives me strength to stop.

    Great reading you, keep it up!
    realness and Old Tom Bombadil like this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Today is a great day for new results! :)
    realness likes this.
  3. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Great words Wolf333. Yes I too bitterly regret the time wasted, the self loathing, the depression and shame. Turning these negatives into positives by stopping porn is the best thing ever.
    realness and Wolf333 like this.
  4. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your wisdom and encouragement. I've been grinding my gears for a week, on and off PMO. Yesterday was the most disappointing. The weather was beautiful and I kept active using my favorite tools for being healthy. Bike ride school pickup, yard work, etc. But I still PMO'd when my wife took the kids out for a few hours. It was my choice to be unhealthy and it was a bad one.

    It's a new day. And there are new morning mercies. And I'm not alone. I'm thankful that I get to be a part of other journeys here on YBR.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No, you're not alone.

    Me too!
    realness and Old Tom Bombadil like this.
  6. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    you are not alone. this is the most difficult, but not impossible because like the badger i will never quit, addiction for me to rein in. like you said it is a choice. easier said than done. except that our brains have been trained that when we are alone in the house, tired, angry, happy, you fill in the blank, we turn to our "friend" who is always there. we can always count for it to give us 5 seconds of pleasure. but at what price. for me decades of misery, hiding, and a filthy shameful existence. today i think before partaking. i play the whole tape through, not just the good part. also, i have other activities in place when one of these situations, alone in the house, etc arises. planning ahead beats on the spot, spontaneous knee-jerk responses. just my 2 cents worth. hang in there. praying for you, my brother
  7. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    I'm so grateful for the insight and care from you guys. I'm on a kick of growing relationships with those older than me at 41 years. It's awesome to have it here online, and I'm doing it face to face as well at least every two weeks.

    I'm struggling to deal with the anxiety of vasectomy recovery. It's been 5 weeks now, and I still get minor aches and pressure, especially on my right side. It has only slightly limited my activity but it's bothersome and cranks up my worries. It's probably just the backpressure of sperm as my body slowly learns to absorb it faster now that there's no release possible. But I get worked up in fear that it won't go away or it will get worse. Those fears have helped push me to PMO as that's been my traditional unhealthy way to cope, with an extra bonus of feeling good and confirming that things still work down there. I do feel better for a few hours after PMO, but the ache is back the next day. Perhaps edging and PMO are prolonging this recovery and I have to be aware of that too.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, I think you're right, but if the pain doesn't start subsiding soon, you should have it checked out. I remember having discomfort for quite some time after my vasectomy. That was 20 years ago, which means I was no doubt still PMO'ing a lot, so it sure didn't help me heal quickly. Yes, since stopping edging and PMO'ing is why you're here, you have yet another reason to do so! Good luck, realness.
    realness likes this.
  9. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Mozenjo ! You have encouraged me and supported me here during some hard times in my journey. I really appreciate it. I'd be really interested in your vasectomy recovery. I was surprised when after the real obvious superficial healing was complete after a few days that I started to get off and on aches and jolts from my balls. It's seems to be so slowly getting better. Now it just feels like occasional twinges and bouts of pressure. Probably backpressure, could be scar tissue, the vas still healing, hard to tell. I wouldn't even call it pain, just discomfort that is unsettling.

    Doing much better. Today marks a solid week of no PMO. Sex with the wife yesterday. She's on board to help me fill the sample cup later this week to confirm that the vasectomy is effective. It's new as we've never done hand jobs before, and this could be a bridge into better sexual sanity and involving her in what I'm feeling and even what I need sexually. As @Saville has warned I'm on watch to not let that become a crutch or a substitute for a healthy sex life between us though.

    I'm finishing up an epic backyard overhaul and it feels great. Last year I built a great patio and retaining wall and left one side of the yard unfinished where I need to have a ramp for bikes and lawn equipment and the ramp needs to be closed in by a smaller retaining wall and then some basic landscaping. So it's been challenging and rewarding to have the bones of that completed over the last few weeks. The smaller retaining wall is made out of wooden railroad ties. It feels good to be active moving them around, drilling holes and pounding rebar in place. I got to know a neighbor better too after asking for his help.
    Rudolf Geyse, Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Great report, realness. Sounds like you've got your head on straight, and filling your time with productive endeavors, like real sex and some good, honest physical labor. Awesome!
    forlorn likes this.
  11. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Hope you've had a positive week Realness. I echo what Moz said - your backyard overhaul project sounds impressive and I can imagine it must have felt rewarding.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There's nothing like having a project to take us out of our heads. I like the fatigue that comes doing manual labor. It's a real sense off tiredness, not the bored kind of fatigue we often feel when we are doing "busy" work. I think a person is less likely to engage in PMO if they're truly tired at the end of the day. Great job on your yard!
  13. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Been away from here for too long. So much going on. Most importantly, my mom passed from COVID after a 4 week struggle from early April to early May. It was hard but bittersweet in many ways. I was able to get back east by myself and be with my immediate family on the night she passed. We were a team mourning together and also handling the sad logistics of it all. Most importantly we looked out for my Dad and took care of him. I'm heading back east with my whole family for a long visit starting next week. Other than hauling 4 young kids on the flight, it should make for a wonderful time with cousins playing together and lots of fun visits. Little kids make things easy sometimes. All you need is a kiddie pool and some squirt guns, or a creek or something. We'll be able to visit with some friends we haven't seen in years.

    But going back to where I grew up also brings up sad memories, issues and failures. I really dove into PMO in high school. I was struggling with things then and was horribly impulsive. I didn't think things through. I rushed things. A good example of that is all the times I backed into something as a new driver while I was still living at home. The garage door that was still closed when I backed up leaving early one morning. My best friend's car in the driveway. My parent's car. My family brings these things up sometimes. Not abusively or with malice, but because it is kind of funny. It's hard not to feel humiliated and to just shrug it off. There's other examples too of my impulsiveness or foolishness that my family brings up sometimes. In some ways I left that stuff in the past by moving pretty far away, where I can't be reminded of it so often. But coming back brings it up again sometimes. But bringing my family is evidence of how things still turned out just fine. A great wife and beautiful children. I turned out to be a pretty good driver and now I back up cars with great discipline! Those times of youthful foolishness were not a prediction of how I would turn out. Or a confirmation of my worth, intelligence or character. Things change. And despite some bad memories and foolish choices I've made, I'm loved and valuable and capable of great things.

    Like other significant life events, I had hoped that this would be a big mile marker where I really changed my relationship with PMO. But sadly in the last few weeks I chose it as an escape or just wanted to feel the thrill for the short term and suffer the long term consequences. It's foolish to hope for miracles or quick fixes for PMO without being willing to do the work. I believe that doing the work is the most likely way out of PMO. And doing "the work" has changed for me into a lifestyle of recovery. And I like a lot of it! Sure, denying myself when I want to binge and there's a good opportunity to do it is no fun and really hard. Remembering and processing some of my biggest failures with PMO is really challenging. It's hard to forgive myself sometimes. But getting to bed early to read, I like that. Going to Celebrate Recovery on Tues nights and hearing other people share, sharing my story and status, and laughing with those guys, I like that! Going out on a limb and sharing my struggle with PMO with a friend over coffee or lunch is rewarding. And it's nice sometimes when I'm doing well to celebrate how stable and present I am with my family, as a husband and as a father.
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    That was a really reflective post Realness. Revisiting the places where we grew up can indeed stir up some uncomfortable memories - but as you say, you (and your driving) turned out just fine :) I hope you can continue working towards self forgiveness and move forward. As long as you're progressing overall, that's what matters. Really sorry to hear about your mother passing away.
    realness and Saville like this.
  15. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Thanks @forlorn . I still haven't done well over the last month. I'm back here as part of my desire to get traction again. PMO is not a way of life. As a family we went back east for a big family visit and celebrated my mom's life. It was rewarding, exhausting, wonderful and too long all at the same time. Last night I had dreams fueled by anxiety about my role in the family. I had hoped to get together with my mentor from back home while I was there but the details and logistics of schedules and distance made that too difficult. I haven't heard from him since and may have angered him in the process. That adds to senses of isolation and failure. Also, I'm still dealing with low level pain and congestion from my vasectomy that was done in March. This cranks up the anxiety that the pain may persist or get worse and I may need to reverse it in the future.

    So I've been escaping all of that with deep dives into PMO binges. Predictable results. I'm turning course and addressing these worries and anxieties head on.
  16. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Making some connections and climbing out of this. PMO has been fueled by my anxieties concerning my mom passing, my vasectomy recovery, and some other worries about work. Plus the stresses of family life. It's been an accelerating cycle and I've been blind to it. PMO just makes it all works and fuels the anxieties which then fuel the PMO (if I allow it).

    I've had a few dreams about my family and my role in it, which showed me that subconsciously I am still processing all of that. It's been good to talk more with my sister after all that's happened. I still am startled at times with the realization that my mom is gone and although we were not super close, there is no longer the chance to talk with her.

    Vasectomy recovery is at 4 months now. No major pains. Often there is a minor feeling of discomfort and fullness. If I bend down or move in a way that squeezes my balls it hurts and I'm reminded of the increased sensitivity. This is enough to get my anxiety going with the thoughts that there's congestive buildup happening down there and fears that it will get worse. That drives googling and searches on Reddit of these symptoms which can lead to mixed emotions. Reassurance that lingering symptoms are normal but also fears from the testimonies of guys who never felt the same. Then I wonder if I'll need to contemplate a reversal at 10 or 12 months after the procedure. I don't know why I have no confidence that my body will adapt to the changes, no gratefulness that I've had a pretty good recovery overall with no major pains. Instead the fears and anxiety take over. So I'm processing that.

    Work is normally pretty smooth for me but I've been letting my grief and anxiety drive me to PMO, which takes a lot away from my commitment and dedication to work. It's outright neglect and that creates shame and negative feelings, not to mention that guilt from procrastination and trying to catch up.

    It's likely that the more I distance myself from PMO and the bad feelings that come with it, the better off I will be in these areas and the cycle will stop.
    forlorn likes this.
  17. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Wouldn't you know it I'm sleeping better and experiencing much less anxiety with some distance from PMO. I'm focused on turning my energies towards my wife as my urges build instead of short circuiting with PMO or MO. So that needs to be good listening, hugs and closeness, and any other more subtle intimacies. This is where my sexual energy SHOULD be focused and the only healthy outlet for it.

    With that in mind, not PMO'ing is also the best thing for me mentally.
    Saville likes this.
  18. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Even though you said you weren't especially close to your mother I can imagine it being a difficult time - take your time to process the loss. Don't allow it to drag you down - you have the inner resources to deal with it. It's good that you were able to speak with your sister. Hopefully you can be there to support one another.
    realness and Saville like this.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hey @realness,

    wow a lot happened in your life. My condolences with the passing of your mother. Considering what you wrote about your relationship with her, that must have stirred up a lot of feelings that need time to settle. I really hope that you find room to process this according to your needs.

    About the vasectomy: I also had one done in June. I think everything went well, but I am also feeling some pain and discomfort every now and then. That is to be expected, but I definitely understand you and I am also worried when I feel pain down there. However, I had the same kind of pain and discomfort after a hernia operation in my groin. That was in 2019 and for quite a while I felt pain on unexpected moments. But the last year or so I haven't felt anything anymore. I actually think that with these kinds of things it is just the healing of the tissues that give the pain and discomfort.

    Well, I hope you're doing well. Hope to read an update from you soon!
  20. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    thanks so much @Gil79 . I really appreciate your encouragement and sharing about your vasectomy recovery. My vasectomy added to my anxieties and struggles over the summer when I didn't completely heal in the advertised time of 3-5 days. Thankfully things are better and I haven't had any concerns or pain in over a week. I just hit 5 months since the vasectomy so perhaps it did just take that long for tissue to heal and my body to reach equilibrium with producing and absorbing sperm. My pain felt very much like congestion of sperm with no where to go.

    I have been in a terrible mental place with PMO. I escalated things last week and bought a cheap device to hide and use to PMO late last week, over the weekend and today. Today is the end of a multi-day binge. I have locked myself in a room to "work" and used the lack of accountability with my job to PMO for hours. I will probably do good over the next few days as I regain presence in life and distance myself from PMO, but the choice will again come up later this week or next. Do I choose to PMO again with the time and opportunity to do so? There is great advise on other journals about each day being a great day to reject PMO and embrace real life. I know that PMO is no way to live.
    Gil79 likes this.

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